Conservative Party
Brexit crisis solved by blokes in a Lichfield pub: Ditch Northern Ireland
A controversial proposal to overcome the Brexit deadlock emerged over the weekend in a Lichfield pub. Regular drunks in the Kings Head came up with the solution late on Saturday night following a wide-ranging debate about the Villa and the unreasonable expectations of their respective wives and girlfriends.
Local plumber Paul Mycock commented: ‘Now I don’t profess to know anything about Brexit, but I do know that Theresa May’s a traitor and that, as it stands, her Withdrawal Agreement is a complete betrayal of the referendum result.
‘When I voted Leave, I voted to abolish free movement of people into our country from India and Pakistan and to take back control of our convenience shops and hospitals. The government needs to deliver on that vote. Do they think we’re all stupid or what?’
Former Birmingham pub-goer Paddy McGuinness explained that the problem with the Withdrawal Agreement relates to the treatment of the Northern Ireland border with the Republic.
He said: ‘The lads weren’t very interested in the detail to be honest until they noticed BBC News reporting a car bomb in what is incorrectly called Londonderry.
‘Then Cocky pipes up “What’s the fecking point of Northern Ireland anyway?” It was like a light had been switched on. Everyone agreed that the solution to the Brexit impasse was to hand over Northern Ireland to the Republic. Border problem sorted.
‘I could barely contain myself, who’d have thought that the Conservative Party would have done more for the Republican cause in two years than Sinn Fein managed in half a century.’
Lichfield Crematorium prepares contingency plans as the country becomes “sick to death” of Brexit
Crematoria throughout the UK are preparing contingency plans to cope with an expected increased body count in the event of the UK delaying its exit from the EU beyond 29 March.
Paul Mycock is the operations manager of Lichfield & District Crematorium, he said: ‘We have been receiving reports from our suppliers in the Nearly Dead industry that the sick and elderly are so depressed by reports that Brexit may be delayed that they are giving up their tenuous hold on life. The old folks are just letting go. Good news for my productivity bonus though.’
Sundowner Nursing Home resident Myfanwy Hertz, 103, is on the Nearly Dead pathway, she commented: ‘I had planned to hold on until Wimbledon but if Article 50 is extended or revoked then I’m just going to end it here and now. I can’t stomach months of endless Brexit news and Andy Murray crying.
‘I have taken out a “Buy Now Die Later” plan with my lovely funeral director. I get a special discount if I kick it in the summer months, but it’s really not worth the wait. I voted Leave and now I’m off!’
The startling statistics have given a new impetus to the Remain camp who are hopeful that the Tory chaos will result in a second referendum. Remain MP Anna Soubry said: ‘If all the elderly Leavers top themselves over the next few weeks then that could swing a new vote in our favour. Now fuck off out of my face you Nazi.’
Migrant traffickers awarded government Brexit ferry contract
An Iranian based start up company has been awarded a lucrative Brexit ferry contract to cover the contingency of a No Deal exit from the EU on 29 March .
ShahBourne Freight Limited was incorporated at Companies House on 31 December 2018 with £1 paid-up share capital and with an Iranian swimmer and a Scouser disclosed as persons with significant control.
Transport Minister Chris Grayling announced the £14m contract whilst everyone was pissed on Christmas Eve. But he makes no apologies, he said:
‘I make no apologises, though I had hoped that no one would notice.
‘Despite the fact that the company was not formed until a week after we gave them the cash and that they have no published accounts or business plan, it is only right in this time of national crisis that we support British based start-up companies with no track record, even before they actually start up.
‘My department’s due diligence team has assured me that these are the people for the job. These entrepreneurs have been active in profitably ferrying “product” into the U.K. for a number of years, often in unseaworthy vessels far smaller than the ships that hope that they will be able to source by the end of March, or early July at the latest, or possibly September.
‘As a backup if ShahBourne Freight go under we can always call on the Royal Navy, they’ve got nothing else to do anyway’
ShahBourne director Mohammad Shah, 13, has been in the import-import business for over fifteen years, he said:
‘With the £14m contract from the Conservative party we hope to be able to provide some inflatable life jackets and provide pre-flight drinks for our customers in Calais. I trust that the French authorities will continue their support in getting our customers into British territorial waters as quickly as possible.’
Some cynical MPs suspect that the government may be using the incompetent Grayling and his ludicrous plans to terrorise them into voting for the PM’s Brexit Deal next week in the interests of public safety.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:
‘San Diego’s nice at this time of year isn’t it.’
Ed: What has this all got to do with Lichfield?!
FS: Nothing, but it’s never stopped the Lichfield Mercury.
Burntwood Wakes 2018 Festival to host “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year” Award
Burntwood’s annual free festival of family fun and entertainment will be opened by their elusive Conservative MP Michael Fabricant on Saturday 30 June.
Mr Fabricant will be presenting the inaugural “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year Award” at 1pm at Burntwood Leisure Centre.
Early nominations include Mr Fabricant himself, he said:
‘I may have shot myself in the foot with this one, I recently nominated a Burntwood teenage girl who, in my opinion, is a “complete twat”. What was I thinking?
‘I’ve now been accused of using offensive and unprofessional language!
‘To be honest, anyone who wants to engage with me and a bottle of Pinot on Twitter on a sunny afternoon during a bank holiday weekend needs to be robust enough to take a roasting. Man up girl.
‘Now they’re saying that “twat” is a synonym for female genitalia! Well, come on what do I know about female genitalia? That’s not really up my Street.’
Wakes organisers have had to review security arrangements for this year’s Festival in the light of Mr Fabricant’s uncharacteristic attendance. Burntwood Labour councillor Myfanwy Hertz commented:
‘In view of the real threat of disorder during the Member’s controversial visit we have revised our security cover and rather than having the planned five highly trained hi-viz wearing unemployed gypsies on patrol, we’ll now have just the two.’
Nominations for this year’s prestigious award are now open and can be submitted to @fivespireslive #BurntwoodTwat . Nominations close on 14 June 2018 and twitter polls will be open on @fivespireslive until Thursday 28 June.
Brexit creates record number of zero-hour jobs, claims Lichfield MP
Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.
The MP said:
‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.
‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’
Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:
‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.
‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’
‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’
Mr Fabricant responded:
‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.
‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’
FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.
Lichfield MP urged by Theresa May not to support her campaign
Conservative leadership candidate Theresa May has pleaded with Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant not to declare support for her campaign.
The battle to succeed David Cameron at Number 10 has seen a number of MPs benefiting from the endorsement of the Lichfield incumbent. Before any candidates had declared, Mr Fabricant was first out of the trap to declare that he was firmly behind fellow clown Boris Johnson’s claim to the throne.
He announced on Twitter:
But following a tip-off in the early hours of Thursday morning that Blair-cuckold Rupert Murdoch had ordered the political assassination of Mr Johnson, the Lichfield member immediately switched his allegiance to someone who looked like a winner.
Unwittingly he opted for Justice Secretary Michael Gove, a self-styled egotist powered by a vortex of schoolboy inadequacy, haunted by the fear that his wife was punching below her weight. Mr Gove said:
‘I did almost everything not to be a candidate for the leadership of this party. I was so very reluctant because I know my limitations. Whatever charisma is, I don’t have it, whatever glamour may be, I don’t think anyone could ever associate me with it.’
Prior to the public announcement by Boris of his own demise, Mr Fabricant in a Saul-to-Paul-like conversion declared that Mr Gove was the only credible candidate for the PM’s job. He said:
With support for Mr Grove dramatically dwindling going into the weekend, Mrs May’s team became increasingly concerned that Mr Fabricant would switch support to the Home Secretary. In a late night telephone call to the Lichfield MP Mrs May said:
‘Michael you’re a buffoon, but if I can rely on you to lend your support to Julie Andrews tribute act Andrea Leadsom, I can promise you a Cabinet roll.’
Sandwiches are also available at Cabinet meetings.
By the pricking of my thumbs…
FOLLOWING his successful ‘sacking’ as Conservative Party vice-chairman Michael Fabricant has run away to join another circus. The Lichfield member hasn’t had far to go – during the Parliamentary Easter recess he will be performing in and around the City with the American Circus clown troupe.
The publicity-shy 79 year-old former Tory whip said:
‘I met Party Chairman Grant Schapps and had a very informal meeting. He told me to resign, I told him to fuck off, he told me that I was sacked and we parted the best of friends.
‘This gives me more freedom to tweet and act the buffoon at the taxpayers expense. If you think that I’ve been free and easy in the past you aint seen nothing yet.’
Circus manager Ian Thomas, who also performs as Gingernuts the Clown, said:
‘We are delighted to have been invited back to entertain the citizens of this great historic cathedral city and it is fantastic that Fabricuntio the Clown can join us for a few days.’
Not everyone was impressed, a publicity stunt earlier in the week caused two pounds worth of damage to the newly opened skatepark. Lichfield District Council chief chain-wearer and ribbon-cutter Derek Leytham explained:
‘Within hours of the official skatepark opening the Lichfield Member was seen jumping on another bandwagon, this time in the form of a circus advertising trailer. This was being pushed by a group of his Twitter sycophants in the direction of the Bowling Green. He ran off to his meeting when the trailer careered into one of the skate bowls.’
Shortly afterwards Mr Fabricant was almost ‘mown down’ by a passing motorist whilst crossing the road to the pub. Police are appealing for witnesses who may have seen a red Renault Clio in the vicinity being driven by what a police spokesman described as a ‘Grinch’ like teenager.
Blue Brattle, a former chairman and honorary vice president of Clowns International who performs as Clown Bluey, is in town this weekend and said :
‘There is an image problem for clowns at the moment, some people think we are sinister. It’s not helped by the likes of Fabricuntio. There is even a recognised phobia now called coulrophobia – a fear of clowns being re-elected with an increased majority. It’s a beep-beep disgrace.’
Some locals are also in two-minds about the circus. Charles Holloway, a 53 year-old unfulfilled and disillusioned father of one who suppresses his feelings of abject personal failure by spending time on the BSARA committee told 5SL:
‘My son Will and his mate Jim Nightshade were very excited when the circus appeared from nowhere overnight, they went there on the day and had a great time. But then they went back again last night and came home terrified. I’ll be writing a letter of complaint to Staffordshire County Council and South Staffs Water.’
The promoter of the circus, Cougar & Dark Pandemonium Shadow Shows Limited, dismissed the complaint. The company’s director Susan Cougar, the self-publicist, part-time councillor and deputy Police and Crime Commissioner, said:
‘We try to cater for all tastes so in the evenings our entertainment is a little more edgy and adult-orientated, being a little bit scarey is all part of the fun.’
But Will is not convinced that what he saw was just an illusion, from behind the sofa he said:
‘It was the carousel that really spooked us. That nice clown Fabricuntio got on board and it started going backwards, before our eyes he changed from an old joke into a younger serious well educated politician. He kept on saying “I’ve fooled them all, I’ve fooled them all!” ‘
Local Labour parliamentary candidate Chris Whatshisname was keen to visit the circus but was busy campaigning in Tamworth. He said:
‘I hope to have found my way to Lichfield in time for next year’s circus. I can then ride that carousel fast forwards.
‘I aim to be at least 35 years-old by the time of the General Election,’ added the 17 year-old.
Hat tip to Ray Bradbury
Five Spires Live 