Santa

Lichfield Round Table to fold in the wake of Presidents Club scandal?

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The future of men-only clubs has been called into question following events at the scandal-hit Presidents Club charity evening in London last week.

Revelations that 130 well-paid adult women voluntarily subjected themselves to the drunken, sexually repressed antics of sildenafil-stoked obese rich men at the charity event has called into question the future of men-only clubs like Lichfield Round Table.

Round Table is a Club exclusively for men under the age of 45 who don’t know enough senior police officers to be invited to join the Masons. The Lichfield club meets twice a month to discuss clay pigeon shooting, according to its recruitment literature.

But not everyone is convinced by this facade. Former wife of a Tabler, 28-year-old Myfanwy Hertz is a self-employed business consultant, she explained:

‘I’m self-employed because I’m a successful independent woman who no-one else is prepared to employ.

‘I recommend self-employment to all those young women who will be losing their well paid jobs to satisfy my feminist fundamentalism.’

She believes that the days of men-only clubs are numbered, she said:

‘These enclaves of misogyny and sexism have had their day, it’s no longer acceptable in our free, liberal society for groups of like-minded guys to get together over a pint, claiming to discuss clay pigeon shooting and the most effective way to commit suicide.

‘Does anyone genuinely believe that? No, all they do is get drunk and moan about their wives and girlfriends and snigger about what they would like to do with the barmaid, given half an erection. I find it offensive and Round Table should be closed down.

‘And that bitch behind the bar at the Bowling Green can do one as well.’

Talking to BBC Radio 5Live’s Saturday Breakfast, diminutive local travel agent Richard “Dick” Holland,14, defended the traditions of the men-only Round Table movement, he said:

‘Round Table is a Club for young men under the age of 45, we meet up a couple of times a month to talk about clay pigeon shooting and practice techniques for talking fellow club members down from the roof.

‘It’s all about having a chat and a laugh and relaxing in male company away from the pressures of making the evening meal and putting the kids to bed

‘But it’s not all about us, we have a sister organisation for the girls, called ‘The Ladies Ring’, which is focussed on monthly get togethers to dress in pink and discuss knitting and baking. Nothing sexist about that I think you’ll agree.’

Mx Hertz listened in to the broadcast in the hair salon where she was preparing for a Ladies Night out at Lichfield’s new Cougar Club, she said:

‘Well I’m delighted, Dick makes the Round Table sound so dull I think it’ll die of natural causes without my help.

‘I like mine black with a big one’, she laughed, shouting her coffee order across the salon.

Anyone who would like to hear Richard Holland fall from his high chair during the interview can catch it here for a limited time

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09nvq59

From 43 minutes

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Brexit creates record number of zero-hour jobs, claims Lichfield MP

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Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.

The MP said:

‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.

‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’

Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:

‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.

‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’

‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’

Mr Fabricant responded:

‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.

‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’

FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.

“Christmas is cancelled” declares Lichfield Round Table militants

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kidnapped
Kidnap victim

Lichfield Round Table militant faction, the self-styled District 250, has declared that Christmas is cancelled this year.

Talks between the group and Lichfield District Council to agree this year’s “funding” settlement broke down yesterday (Saturday).

District 250, a dissident band of ultra-right wing egos with relationship issues and an interest in go-karting and archery, has cancelled today’s planned Lichfield Christmas Lights switch on. Spokesman for D250, Dick, his real name, said:

‘We regret that due to the intransigence of the Council we had no alternative but to cancel the Christmas Lights switch on. Our annual running costs have escalated and they will no longer be covered by parading Santa through the streets of Lichfield demanding cash from the poor and feeble-minded.’

It became clear in 2014  that Santa Claus had been kidnapped by the Round Table militants and forced to fund raise for the group each December.

Dick explained:

‘It’s a very expensive time for us, we’ve recently returned from Portugal after a week’s golfing holiday and there are many more foreign jollies in the pipeline that need paying for by the local public. That doesn’t come cheap you know.’

District 250
District 250 Christmas plot hatched abroad

Cllr Christmas Spruce, Cabinet Member for Finance, explained the Council’s position:

spruce
Cllr Spruce

‘As part of the Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Foreseeable) financial strategy we have had to scale back support for local dissident groups. Discussions with some of these groups have become quite heated. A more disagreeable bunch you’re unlikely to encounter, but after Beacon Community Church this District 250 group come a close second.

‘We tried our best to negotiate a settlement to secure Christmas for another year, we even offered up Michael Fabricant in a hostage exchange for Santa, but they were having none of it. Can’t blame them on that score to be fair.’

hostage exchange
Hostage exchange rejected

Dick denied that they were behaving unreasonably:

‘Why would we exchange Santa for Fabricant? It may not be much but at least Santa bothers to get out to meet the community once a year.’

Further talks are expected to take place next week in a final bid to save Christmas.

Distraught Lichfield children and parents join “Free Santa” campaign

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Distraught children and parents from the Lichfield area have joined a mounting campaign to “Free Santa”. Campaigners claim that Santa Claus has been kidnapped and is being held hostage by a dissident band of ultra-conservative egos, the self-styled District 250.

Formerly a branch of Round Table of Great Britain and Ireland, a social organisation for middle-aged men with an interest in go-karting and archery, District 250 has, according to concerned local mum Maureen Roberts, gone rogue.

Mother of two, Maureen said:

‘I became suspicious that something was amiss last week at the Lichfield Christmas Lights switch-on. Santa wasn’t driven around the Market Square like he usually is, instead he seemed to be tethered-up outside the George IV pub. When he did appear his beard covered his whole face, it could’ve been anyone!’

Rumours have been spreading throughout the City for some time that Santa had been captured. Publican Paul Pardoe of The Whippet Inn Micropub in Tamworth Street said:

‘The fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero had been abandoned outside my pub for months. Fortunately the pub windows become so misted up with fat boozers’ heavy-breathing and farting that you couldn’t see the car unless you popped out to piss up its tyres. But a few weeks ago Old Bob Brown nipped out to sick-up his pork pie and ale and swore that he could hear a knocking coming from the car’s boot. I ignored the old drunk at the time but now I’m beginning to wonder.’

district250 car

The “Free Santa” campaign was boosted today when FSL was contacted by a man claiming to be a member of District 250. Nick, not his real name, doesn’t  wish to be identified but said:

‘I joined Lichfield Round Table a couple of years ago because I didn’t have a girlfriend but do have a passion for go-karting and archery. But things have now got out of hand. Last Christmas Santa said he wouldn’t be doing the driving-around-the-streets thing again this year, the parents were going to extreme lengths to avoid his visits and, in the wake of the Jimmy Savile scandal, young kids were more likely to phone Childline than sit on his lap.’

Nick added;

‘Santa also said that it was a little incongruous that he, being Santa, the giver-of-gifts, was being driven around the streets begging for cash from the unemployed self-employed.’

Nick says that it was at this point that District 250 realised the serious threat to it’s income stream. Santa was kidnapped, thrown into the boot of the fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero and parked up at various locations around the City for the rest of the year.

The nightly Christmas Santa tour is now well underway, with the discretely shackled Santa visiting different areas of the City every evening. Nick continued:

‘After 12 months Santa was beginning to exhibit signs of Stockholm Syndrome, he seemed to be actively assisting with the money making plans, he created a website http://www.lichfieldsanta.co.uk  even suggesting routes for the tour to take each evening. Now the website has a tracker which show’s Santa’s progress. Ostensibly this is a useful tool,  parents can now time precisely when to switch off all the house lights or drive to Tesco. But if you look a little more closely at the tracker map it tells a different story.’

district250 map

Earlier today District 250 issued a statement:

‘We can confirm that Santa is helping us with our fundraising efforts again this Christmas. We’re expecting to have a very expensive year, what with the credit card bill for the New York trip to pay and plans to visit Belgium, Italy and India next year. Please do all give very generously when we visit your house. If we do not exceed last years target by 24 December then Christmas will be cancelled.’

Maureen has asked children and parents throughout the City to join the protest. She told us:

‘To ensure Santa’s safety we are asking everyone to give generously but please also to take part in a silent protest, holding up “Free Santa” placards as they parade Santa through your streets.’

For more information visit www.lichfieldsanta.co.uk

Boley Park residents raise £156 to keep Santa away

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A group of neighbours on Lichfield’s Boley Park estate have raised £156 and donated it to Lichfield Round Table for charity.

 

John Smith of Pentire Road explained: “We are delighted with the amount raised. Luckily I saw a tweet yesterday saying that Santa would be in the area on Tuesday night, that gave me just enough time to rally the neighbours.”

 

Sandra Jackson takes up the story :”That’s right, we all agreed, it would be much better to raise the money on the understanding that the Round Table Santa wouldn’t come along our road at all. We’re all busy working parents, I’m out of the house for at least twelve hours a day and when I get home I have to feed and bath the kids and get them into bed. The last thing I need is for a bloody fake Santa to come ‘yo-ho- hoing’ along the road in the middle of Holby City.”

 

Rounder, Pete “Up the Villa” Adams commented:”We’re very grateful to the Pentire residents for this generous donation, it will certainly go some way towards this evenings fuel costs for our fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero.”

 

Others however were a little more circumspect. Tabler stalwart of two years, Mike “I’m a Right Laugh” Collins told us: “A big thank you to the Pentire folks but this cut an hour out of our evening and to be honest that’s the last thing that I need at Christmas. I’ve had more time on my hand than I know what to do with since Vicky left me for that Morris Dancer. It’s no laughing matter.”

 

Santa’s tour of the City streets continues right up to Christmas Eve, so check out his itinerary on  http://www.lichfield.roundtable.co.uk to avoid disappointment by being unexpectedly in.