‘Lichfield councillors can barely read briefing papers,’ claims Council’s special educational needs officer.
Lichfield District Council Employment Committee met this evening (Thursday 9 February) to consider a report by officers pleading for elected members to avail themselves of training opportunities.
The annual Learning and Development Needs Analysis form has proven to be too challenging for almost half of Lichfield councillors to complete and return. Human Resources manager Katie Salter was unavailable for comment, she said:
‘At first I thought they were arrogant, egotistical idiots, but now I fear that many members just use bluster and buffoonery as a cover for severe learning disabilities. We are an equal opportunities employer but please, really? Twenty-eight so-called community leaders who can’t fill in a simple form?’
Cllr. Paul Mycock (Lichfield Scales and Spoons), said:
‘Training and continuing education? Give me a break. I wouldn’t need to understand all that rubbish if those ponsey polytechnic losers in the council office did their jobs properly. I enjoy a pies and bars as much as the next guy but I can’t be doing with all these graphs and facts and figures.’
Other councillors claim to have taken full advantage of training opportunities. Burntwood’s celebrity granny Cllr. Sue Norman, she said:
‘As an active member of the Audit Committee I am responsible for overseeing the council’s financial performance. After months of valuable training I am now able to evaluate complex financial reports and recommendations, if they contain graphics in primary colours, are well formatted and run to less than two pages then they get my vote.
‘And IT training has been great, don’t get me started on online petitions! I’ve just knocked one out against HSBC if you’d like to sign up.’
The Lichfield officer’s report on councillor educational needs is available Here
International health club group Virgin Active is expected to bid for Friary Grange and Burntwood Leisure centres following the announcement by Lichfield District Council of plans to abdicate its civic responsibility and off load public assets onto the private sector.
Virgin Active is already operating a successful gym at Wall Island, a health club location that is only accessible by car. General manager Paul Mycock said:
‘Taking on one or both of these leisure facilities would certainly compliment and enhance our local offering. Wall Island caters for the upwardly-mobile, middle class, vigorous penis-towelling, BMW driving pricks on their way to and from their Birmingham offices. Our vision for Friary Grange is that it will be re-branded as a Virgin InActive Centre of Physical Excellence, appealing to local mums who’ve let themselves go after years toiling away in loveless marriages to BMW driving, vigorous penis-towelling husbands.’
Mercifully elected Liberal Democrat Councillor Paul Ray said that any moves to outsource the district’s two leisure centres needed to have proven benefits. The Twitter-blocking, BMW-driving Birmingham banking lawyer, councillor for Chadsmead, commented:
‘I can see some real community benefits in a “Virgin InActive” at the Friary Grange site, Mrs Ray certainly fits the demographic and is always keen to get out of the house, especially when I’m there.’
Councillor Andy Smith, Cabinet member for leisure at Lichfield District Council, said he was committed to ensuring any deal worked for local residents. He is particularly concerned to see that any change to Burntwood Leisure Centre is tailored to meet the special needs of the community.
Virgin’s Paul Mycock is up for the challenge, he commented:
‘For Burntwood we are recommending our “Active Virgins” brand. The emphasis will be on high-intensity interval training. It lasts a matter of minutes, leaving plenty of time for high-intensity enjoyment of the centre’s enhanced restaurant facilities offering a wide selection of deep fat fried filth for those who find themselves between meaningful lives.
‘We will retain the swimming bath of course, but we will shift the emphasis from “bath” to “swimming”, there will a complete ban on shampoo and wet wipes in the pool.’
Former Butcher of Burntwood, Steve Norman, who has recently changed his name by deed poll to “Councillor Steve Norman”, said:
‘It’s a load of old bowlocks, I say bowlocks, there’s not been a successful Virgin in Burntwood since 1952. Isn’t that right my love?’
Cllr Sue Woodward was unavailable for comment. [Ed: Really?]
The future of the £16,000-a-year luxury Jaguar XF chauffeur-driven car used by the chairman of Lichfield District Council was debated at a meeting of the Overlook not Scrutiny committee this week.
Labour group deputy leader-of-four, Councillor Eric Drinkwater said:
‘It’s crazy, it’s obscene.
‘Drink, feck, arse, girls Ted.’
Labour group leader-of-four, Councillor Sue Woodward agreed with the Labour group deputy leader-of- four, she said:
‘All four of us are agreed – whatever the former Labour group leader of more-than-four Steve Norman says, we agree with him. And why not, he thinks I’m as fit as a butcher’s dog. Grrr…
‘We need to look, I say we need to look, at the £50,000-plus a year spent on the civic budget, all the chain gang going dressed up and travelling in chauffeur-driven limousines, having these meals and getting pissed-up with each other – is there any really value?’
A former Lichfield District Council chairman has insisted a chauffeur-driven car is “absolutely essential”. Conservative Councillor David Leytham, who previously wore the chairman’s chains, said:
‘If the chairman is to continue the civic role and continue meeting, greeting and drinking heavily across the county and further afield, my view is that the car is absolutely essential, it’s driven by someone who remains sober and it’s comfortable to sleep in for short periods if necessary. Or overnight.’
Newly elected chairman Councillor Norma Bacon commented:
‘I’ve been looking forward to this for years and just when I’ve made it they’re trying to take away the perks. I’ve been a member of the chain gang for a number of years now, both as Lichfield mayor and bitch of the mayor. But I’ve never had use of the Jaguar XF before.
Conservative Councillor Thomas Marshall said there could be opportunities for a link up with local businesses to provide a suitable vehicle. He said:
‘The chairman’s husband Brian is a cabbie, we could link up with his firm TravelWood of Burntwood to supply the civic transport. Norma and Brian are joined at the hip anyway and the sight of Brian at the helm of a minivan calling to pick up Norma from the Dimbles would hardly raise an eyebrow.
‘But just imagine the sleek black Jaguar XF cruising through the streets of the downtown Zombie Zone. The XF may be the same make as PM David Cameron’s ministerial car but it’s not armoured, it wouldn’t stand a chance.’
Chairman Bacon concedes:
‘It’s horses for courses really, if I’m going to a civic function then the Jaguar XF is just the ticket.
‘But it’s a bit over the top for my gigs as a Roy”Chubby” Brown tribute act.’
Her Tory colleague, self-employed crop protection advisor Councillor Joseph Powell was keen to assure the meeting that chairmen and vice-chairmen were not merely using the vehicle as a perk.
‘It’s important that we make it clear that the car isn’t used for just having drinks and nice meals,’ explained.
‘We use it for lots of very useful meetings with the council, such as visiting homosexual groups. I recommend that we retain the civic transport but make it a little less hard and black and more pink and inviting.’
Councillor Powell is happily married. Mrs Powell declined to comment.
Anyone who is interested in Councillor Powell’s interests can see them here http://www.lichfielddc.gov.uk/downloads/file/4331/powell_joe
Defeated Labour party parliamentary candidate Chris Worsey has blamed leaflet drops to every door in the constituency for his defeat in the general election.
In the wake of the ballot box thrashing which saw incumbent MP Michael Fabricant re-elected with an increased majority on a reduced turn-out following five years of austerity imposed by the Conservative-led coalition government, Mr Worsey gave his in-depth analysis on Twitter, he said:
‘Labour needs to learn these lessons and fast – no more leaflet drops to every door in a constituency.’
Speaking from his home in Walsall, the Sandwell councillor for Great Barr elaborated:
‘It became clear to me, immediately after I failed to get elected and the number of Labour councillors on Lichfield District Council was reduced to four, that the weeks that I spent posting leaflets through Conservative voters’ doors in Yardley had been a complete waste of time.
‘Another key reason for the result was that the Tories spent £100,000 a month on Facebook. That’s ten times as much as Labour did.
‘I recall saying to my mate, paedophile-hunter Tom Watson whilst out canvassing with him in West Bromwich, that I should
spend more time on Twitter. At the time he disagreed, saying that not everyone in Lichfield and Burntwood were Aston Villa fans. But I think he was wrong. Look at the runaway success of the Lichfield Hobbit MP who spent all of his “campaign” tweeting and twanking from Cafe Nero.
‘’Wherever that is?’
Recently appointed Leader of Lichfield District Council’s Sue Woodward was equally disappointed. She said:
‘We clearly failed to connect with our core voters. I understand Chris’ argument, what’s the point in pushing leaflets through the letter boxes of people who can’t read?
‘I will be launching a petition calling for all ballot papers to include photo’s of all of the candidates. Not only would it help identify me as the out-and-about nosey local councillor but it would also frighten away voters who may otherwise have inadvertently voted for LibDem Marion Bland.’
Defeated former Labour Group Leader agreed with his wife, Steve Woodward said:
‘I say Chris is a nice lad, a nice lad I say – I almost met him once. And I agree with his comments on social media – is it really just a coincidence that FiveSpiresLive twitter nonsense is frequently retweeted by Fabricant, ignored by me and Sue and blocked by failed LIbDem Poor Ray? The results speak for themselves.’
Following failed plans for a new health centre, the proposed closure of Children’s Centres and GP surgeries and the demise of Go Bananas, shocked Burntwood residents have now been informed that the town itself could be closed by 2016.
The proposal is being put out to consultation as part of Lichfield District Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Future) in a joint cost-cutting initiative with Staffordshire County Council.
Lichfield District Council acting leader Mike Wilcox (Con) chuckled:
‘This proposal works on so many levels. Rather than shutting the place down piecemeal as we’ve been doing to date, it makes much more sense to ditch it all at once. Not only will it save the good council taxpayers of Lichfield the cost of maintaining what few services do remain in the wild west, but all those Labour councillors will disappear at the same time. This will provide a welcome shift in the balance of power on the Council in 2016 after we lose control in six weeks time.’
Burntwood Councillor and celebrity granny Sue Norman commented:
‘After the consultation process has closed and the representations of the three local residents who will bother to complain have been ignored, I will fight for the survival of this community. Yes, I’ll start another petition.’
Local mum of five under five year-olds Britney Singleton,19, said:
‘I’m absolutely gobsmacked, you don’t expect this sort of thing to happen round here. I thought the closure of the Children’s Centres was bad enough, cheeky bastards expecting me to bring up my own kids and teach ‘em to read and stuff. Forget it, I’m definitely going to sign Granny Sue’s petition – provided it’s online mind.’
Labour group leader and local butcher Steve Woodward is furious:
‘I’m furious, I say furious. Mrs Norman tells me that she won’t take it lying down, I think she meant the town closure, although we were on the way to a late-night caravaners meet on Cannock Chase at the time.
‘But what’s, I say what’s our local Member doing about this I demand to know. I’m going to sign another petition and not only that, I will be making a further Freedom of Information request to establish the Fabricunt’s whereabouts.’
Chair of Lichfield Conservatives and regular God-botherer Jonathan Hall said:
‘Lord Fabricunt is enjoying a period of self-imposed exile in his North Wales Castle, keeping his mouth shut pending his triumphant return to the City for his coronation in May.
‘He sends his best wishes and hopes that his loyal subjects in Burntwood will soon settle down in their new homes in Brownhills. Amen.’
Labour Parliamentary candidate Chris Whoishey was unavailable for comment due to campaigning commitments in Yardley.
Anyone who would like to sign a Burntwood petition can find them all at www.change.org
The second season of the hit TV drama “The Missing” is to be based in and around Lichfield and Burntwood, the BBC has announced.
The original series starred James Nesbitt as a bereft father searching for his lost son. The second season, with a new cast, follows distraught constituents searching for their lost politicians.
Co-writer Jack Williams commented:
‘We don’t want to give too much away but I was intrigued by reports of local politicians mysteriously disappearing and wanted to weave this into the new drama.’
In the past couple of months Burntwood has experienced the strange disappearance of Conservative town councillors from Council meetings and surgeries.
Celebrity granny and serial local councillor Sue Norman (Labour) commented :
‘There are regular Tory no-shows at Council, I took a picture of their empty chairs at a recent meeting. That went down well I can tell you.’
A spokesman for a Burntwood Conservative who couldn’t be traced responded:
‘That photograph was an absolute disgrace, it suggests that we just hadn’t bothered to turn up, which is absolute rubbish. In fact we had been inadvertently delayed by a gluhwein incident whilst on a fact-finding visit to the Birmingham’s German Market. We complained about the picture because it showed two local voters who actually had made the effort to turn up’
Another Tory no-show at a recent surgery prompted a local resident to complain, Ted Tumbleweed explained:
‘I went along to the surgery at the Library only to be told that no Conservative councillor was available. I have issues with dog fouling outside of my house and I wanted my councillor to look into it. If my dog decides to shit on the public footpath, it’s the council’s problem not mine. They’re useless.
‘I pushed a note complaining about the councillors’ absence through the door of Labour group leader Steve Woodward as I couldn’t find any Conservatives.’
Mystery also surrounds missing Labour Parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood, Mr Chris Whereishey, who has not been seen in the city of Lichfield since his selection in January 2014. At that time he issued a press statement by phone from his living room in Great Barr suggesting that his selection would have incumbent Member Michael Fabricunt “trembling in his boots”.
Mr Whereishey’s agent, Sue Norman said:
‘I remain hopeful that Chris will put in an appearance before the general election. I’ve no idea what’s happened to him, he’s just disappeared. Mysteriously.’
Mrs Norman denied rumours that he is appearing in panto as Dr Seuss’ The Grinch.
Burntwood residents also have concerns for the safety of their beloved MP Michael Fabricunt who went missing from the constituency in May 2010 and has not been seen since. Local hairdresser Bev Francesco said:
‘I voted for him in May 2014 hoping that he would pop along now and again for a haircut, but nothing. It’s like he’s disappeared off the face of the constituency. Mysteriously’
Screenwriter Jack Williams said:
‘There is clearly some evil afoot in the badlands of Burntwood and we will be crafting “The Missing 2” around these real-life events. I dont want to give too much away but we are planning a story set in the near future, a dystopian vision of a small community left alone by their political leaders with fear stalking the streets.’
A teasing trailer for the new series is now available to view on-line and was shown at the end of the final episode of the first season:
A small girl on the new Burntwood Swing, wearing a cheap dove-shaped hair clip recently purchased from Brownhill’s Christmas Market in her hair.
The area is surrounded by a perimeter fence and CCTV cameras, reminiscent of Redwood Wildlife and Safari Park.
A hole in the fence to which is attached a similar/the same dove jewelry; a VW campervan drives off, presumably in the direction of Gentleshaw Common for one of the regular dogging sessions.
Cut to the girl looking through the fence which has a “No Unauthorised Access” (in German for added menace); beyond the fence, military personnel and vehicles, suggesting an upgrading of security measures around the Wall following the election.
Final external shot of a family home, Christmas; inside a toy monkey bashes cymbals before falling off a window ledge – a clear reference to the fate of the UKIPs after the election.
Watch the trailer here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4I1R8RBWp8
THE search is continuing this weekend for Labour Party parliamentary candidate Chris Whereishey who hasn’t been seen in Lichfield since his selection three months ago.
Leading the search is Lichfield Labour activist Ken Redman, he said:
‘Chris disappeared off the City’s political radar shortly after taking off as the Labour Parliamentary candidate back in January. There was a brief fund raising event with his Aunty Jacqui Spliff at an undisclosed location beyond the Wall, but after that… nothing.’
With the assistance of local computer nerd and amateur journalist John Philips, mobile phone records and sporadic re-tweet activity of 17-year-old Mr Whereishey’s Twitter account have been used to create a map showing his possible location to assist with search efforts.
Mr Philips commented:
‘My skills as a technical wizard and amateur journalist have enabled me create this digital map showing a north-south arch of likely locations to the west of the Wall, from Rugeley in the north, through the People’s Republic of Burntwood down to Great Barr in the south.’
Lichfield District Council Labour Group Leader, ‘Butcher of Burntwood’ Norman Steven said:
‘It’s a mystery, I say, it’s a mystery what has happened to our Chris. I fear he may be lost to us forever, lost to us I say, lost to us forever just like those other young chaps Steve Hyden back in 2010, Nigel Gardner further back in 2005 and Marin Machray further further back in 2001. They disappeared, I say disappeared, without trace off of the face of the political earth.’
Not all former Labour candidates have been so easily disposed of. Sue Woodward, who failed to win the seat in 1997, went on to have a fulfilling career as local councillor for potholes, speed-reading and expensive children’s swings.
But in the spirit of cross-party cooperation District Council Leader Mike Wilcox (Con) has put the Fradley Microlight Airborne Division at the disposal of the Labour search party. Wing Commander Michael ‘Mick’ Shea is based at the Roddige Airfield, he commented:
‘We’ve been flying sorties over the northern and southern search arcs for the past two weeks.
‘Earlier today Flying Officer Sandra ‘Sandy’ Sanders spotted debris floating on Chasewater Reservoir, we’ve alerted ground forces. Sandy has done a sterling job despite being a girl.’
Burntwood-on-Sea Coast Guard Search and Rescue leader Dave Kitthoff explained:
‘As soon as we became aware of possible sightings we despatch a couple of windsurfers off to investigate. They returned to base after the wind changed direction three hours later.
‘Unfortunately, all they found were a couple of soiled disposable baby nappies and a floating bag of dog turds. Nothing unusual for Chasewater in fact.’
Meanwhile publicity shy, local pantomime ‘MP’ Michael Fabricant commented:
‘I have nothing against the lad, in fact… I rather wish I had! #sexualinuendo. But I warn him now, I don’t give up my seat easily #sexualgag. Did I just say gag! [Panto face] He’s behind you! Haha ho ho I’m on fire today. Must have been that curry …bum bum!
‘But please remember I am a serious politician, I wore a suit last week in Preston Crown Court. REDACTED-REDACTED-SUB JUDICE-REDACTED. Although, as I’m not a lawyer, the judge was absolutely right to order that I remove my wig in court.’
Meanwhile, the search goes on. Anyone who has any information that could help to trace Mr Whereishey should contact their local Labour councillor . Anyone who could help trace over 17,000 missing voters in time for the next general election is advised to wake up.