Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.
The MP said:
‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.
‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’
Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:
‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.
‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’
‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’
Mr Fabricant responded:
‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.
‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’
FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.
Burntwood Town Council’s foray into amateur property development “probably a mistake” admits councillor
Former Burntwood Town Council leader Cllr Richard Mosson has admitted that it was probably a mistake for the Council to commit local taxpayers to a property development vanity project.
The Council offices moved from it’s convenient cost-effective location at Burntwood library to the Old Mining College Centre in 2015. Cllr Mosson said:
‘It was a great opportunity, what could possibly go wrong, signing up to a 35 year full repairing lease of a dilapidated building?’
A meeting of the Town Council’s policy and resources committee last week to considered plans to address the state of the building, including replacement of wooden framed sash windows at a cost of £20,000 and the relaying of floors. The total cost of repairs and refurbishments is currently estimated at over £55,000.
Paul Mycock, an officer in Lichfield District Council’s Legal, Property and Democratic Services department did not want to be identified. He said:
‘I can barely contain myself,’ he laughed, ‘even with the District Council’s resources and proven track record in successful property development projects, we could never make the Old Mining College commercially viable. But we were saddled with a 35 year full repairing lease from the landlord, Staffordshire County Council. We told them we wanted to surrender the lease and they said “fcuk off”.
‘Thinking that maybe they had been a little harsh, the CC came back to us to say that they would take a surrender but only if we could find some other mug to take it on on the same debilitating terms.
‘There was a knock on the door and who should be there but former Burntwood Town Councillor Steve Norman. And the rest, as they say, is history.’
The Town Council meeting considered various solutions to the dilemma. Cllr Sue Woodward suggested approaching the producers of DIY SOS or the Restoration Project. Unelected leader of the Council “Cllr” Norman Baker responded:
‘Don’t be so ridiculous Sue, after all it was you and your husband that got us into this mess. No, what I propose is that we spent £5,000 on flowers and a new lawn and introduce a mini crazy golf course. And we should invest in photo’s of Town Council Chairmen past and present to adorn the stairway and the charge local taxpayers who want to view. We could announce these innovative plans on a new £1,000 message board.
‘Sorted. Now where’s my cab? Has anyone seen Brian? The old fool.’
The Town Council’s plans can be seen HERE
‘Lichfield councillors can barely read briefing papers,’ claims Council’s special educational needs officer.
Lichfield District Council Employment Committee met this evening (Thursday 9 February) to consider a report by officers pleading for elected members to avail themselves of training opportunities.
The annual Learning and Development Needs Analysis form has proven to be too challenging for almost half of Lichfield councillors to complete and return. Human Resources manager Katie Salter was unavailable for comment, she said:
‘At first I thought they were arrogant, egotistical idiots, but now I fear that many members just use bluster and buffoonery as a cover for severe learning disabilities. We are an equal opportunities employer but please, really? Twenty-eight so-called community leaders who can’t fill in a simple form?’
Cllr. Paul Mycock (Lichfield Scales and Spoons), said:
‘Training and continuing education? Give me a break. I wouldn’t need to understand all that rubbish if those ponsey polytechnic losers in the council office did their jobs properly. I enjoy a pies and bars as much as the next guy but I can’t be doing with all these graphs and facts and figures.’
Other councillors claim to have taken full advantage of training opportunities. Burntwood’s celebrity granny Cllr. Sue Norman, she said:
‘As an active member of the Audit Committee I am responsible for overseeing the council’s financial performance. After months of valuable training I am now able to evaluate complex financial reports and recommendations, if they contain graphics in primary colours, are well formatted and run to less than two pages then they get my vote.
‘And IT training has been great, don’t get me started on online petitions! I’ve just knocked one out against HSBC if you’d like to sign up.’
The Lichfield officer’s report on councillor educational needs is available Here
International health club group Virgin Active is expected to bid for Friary Grange and Burntwood Leisure centres following the announcement by Lichfield District Council of plans to abdicate its civic responsibility and off load public assets onto the private sector.
Virgin Active is already operating a successful gym at Wall Island, a health club location that is only accessible by car. General manager Paul Mycock said:
‘Taking on one or both of these leisure facilities would certainly compliment and enhance our local offering. Wall Island caters for the upwardly-mobile, middle class, vigorous penis-towelling, BMW driving pricks on their way to and from their Birmingham offices. Our vision for Friary Grange is that it will be re-branded as a Virgin InActive Centre of Physical Excellence, appealing to local mums who’ve let themselves go after years toiling away in loveless marriages to BMW driving, vigorous penis-towelling husbands.’
Mercifully elected Liberal Democrat Councillor Paul Ray said that any moves to outsource the district’s two leisure centres needed to have proven benefits. The Twitter-blocking, BMW-driving Birmingham banking lawyer, councillor for Chadsmead, commented:
‘I can see some real community benefits in a “Virgin InActive” at the Friary Grange site, Mrs Ray certainly fits the demographic and is always keen to get out of the house, especially when I’m there.’
Councillor Andy Smith, Cabinet member for leisure at Lichfield District Council, said he was committed to ensuring any deal worked for local residents. He is particularly concerned to see that any change to Burntwood Leisure Centre is tailored to meet the special needs of the community.
Virgin’s Paul Mycock is up for the challenge, he commented:
‘For Burntwood we are recommending our “Active Virgins” brand. The emphasis will be on high-intensity interval training. It lasts a matter of minutes, leaving plenty of time for high-intensity enjoyment of the centre’s enhanced restaurant facilities offering a wide selection of deep fat fried filth for those who find themselves between meaningful lives.
‘We will retain the swimming bath of course, but we will shift the emphasis from “bath” to “swimming”, there will a complete ban on shampoo and wet wipes in the pool.’
Former Butcher of Burntwood, Steve Norman, who has recently changed his name by deed poll to “Councillor Steve Norman”, said:
‘It’s a load of old bowlocks, I say bowlocks, there’s not been a successful Virgin in Burntwood since 1952. Isn’t that right my love?’
Cllr Sue Woodward was unavailable for comment. [Ed: Really?]
The future of the £16,000-a-year luxury Jaguar XF chauffeur-driven car used by the chairman of Lichfield District Council was debated at a meeting of the Overlook not Scrutiny committee this week.
Labour group deputy leader-of-four, Councillor Eric Drinkwater said:
‘It’s crazy, it’s obscene.
‘Drink, feck, arse, girls Ted.’
Labour group leader-of-four, Councillor Sue Woodward agreed with the Labour group deputy leader-of- four, she said:
‘All four of us are agreed – whatever the former Labour group leader of more-than-four Steve Norman says, we agree with him. And why not, he thinks I’m as fit as a butcher’s dog. Grrr…
‘We need to look, I say we need to look, at the £50,000-plus a year spent on the civic budget, all the chain gang going dressed up and travelling in chauffeur-driven limousines, having these meals and getting pissed-up with each other – is there any really value?’
A former Lichfield District Council chairman has insisted a chauffeur-driven car is “absolutely essential”. Conservative Councillor David Leytham, who previously wore the chairman’s chains, said:
‘If the chairman is to continue the civic role and continue meeting, greeting and drinking heavily across the county and further afield, my view is that the car is absolutely essential, it’s driven by someone who remains sober and it’s comfortable to sleep in for short periods if necessary. Or overnight.’
Newly elected chairman Councillor Norma Bacon commented:
‘I’ve been looking forward to this for years and just when I’ve made it they’re trying to take away the perks. I’ve been a member of the chain gang for a number of years now, both as Lichfield mayor and bitch of the mayor. But I’ve never had use of the Jaguar XF before.
Conservative Councillor Thomas Marshall said there could be opportunities for a link up with local businesses to provide a suitable vehicle. He said:
‘The chairman’s husband Brian is a cabbie, we could link up with his firm TravelWood of Burntwood to supply the civic transport. Norma and Brian are joined at the hip anyway and the sight of Brian at the helm of a minivan calling to pick up Norma from the Dimbles would hardly raise an eyebrow.
‘But just imagine the sleek black Jaguar XF cruising through the streets of the downtown Zombie Zone. The XF may be the same make as PM David Cameron’s ministerial car but it’s not armoured, it wouldn’t stand a chance.’
Chairman Bacon concedes:
‘It’s horses for courses really, if I’m going to a civic function then the Jaguar XF is just the ticket.
‘But it’s a bit over the top for my gigs as a Roy”Chubby” Brown tribute act.’
Her Tory colleague, self-employed crop protection advisor Councillor Joseph Powell was keen to assure the meeting that chairmen and vice-chairmen were not merely using the vehicle as a perk.
‘It’s important that we make it clear that the car isn’t used for just having drinks and nice meals,’ explained.
‘We use it for lots of very useful meetings with the council, such as visiting homosexual groups. I recommend that we retain the civic transport but make it a little less hard and black and more pink and inviting.’
Councillor Powell is happily married. Mrs Powell declined to comment.
Anyone who is interested in Councillor Powell’s interests can see them here http://www.lichfielddc.gov.uk/downloads/file/4331/powell_joe
Defeated Labour party parliamentary candidate Chris Worsey has blamed leaflet drops to every door in the constituency for his defeat in the general election.
In the wake of the ballot box thrashing which saw incumbent MP Michael Fabricant re-elected with an increased majority on a reduced turn-out following five years of austerity imposed by the Conservative-led coalition government, Mr Worsey gave his in-depth analysis on Twitter, he said:
‘Labour needs to learn these lessons and fast – no more leaflet drops to every door in a constituency.’
Speaking from his home in Walsall, the Sandwell councillor for Great Barr elaborated:
‘It became clear to me, immediately after I failed to get elected and the number of Labour councillors on Lichfield District Council was reduced to four, that the weeks that I spent posting leaflets through Conservative voters’ doors in Yardley had been a complete waste of time.
‘Another key reason for the result was that the Tories spent £100,000 a month on Facebook. That’s ten times as much as Labour did.
‘I recall saying to my mate, paedophile-hunter Tom Watson whilst out canvassing with him in West Bromwich, that I should
spend more time on Twitter. At the time he disagreed, saying that not everyone in Lichfield and Burntwood were Aston Villa fans. But I think he was wrong. Look at the runaway success of the Lichfield Hobbit MP who spent all of his “campaign” tweeting and twanking from Cafe Nero.
‘’Wherever that is?’
Recently appointed Leader of Lichfield District Council’s Sue Woodward was equally disappointed. She said:
‘We clearly failed to connect with our core voters. I understand Chris’ argument, what’s the point in pushing leaflets through the letter boxes of people who can’t read?
‘I will be launching a petition calling for all ballot papers to include photo’s of all of the candidates. Not only would it help identify me as the out-and-about nosey local councillor but it would also frighten away voters who may otherwise have inadvertently voted for LibDem Marion Bland.’
Defeated former Labour Group Leader agreed with his wife, Steve Woodward said:
‘I say Chris is a nice lad, a nice lad I say – I almost met him once. And I agree with his comments on social media – is it really just a coincidence that FiveSpiresLive twitter nonsense is frequently retweeted by Fabricant, ignored by me and Sue and blocked by failed LIbDem Poor Ray? The results speak for themselves.’
Following failed plans for a new health centre, the proposed closure of Children’s Centres and GP surgeries and the demise of Go Bananas, shocked Burntwood residents have now been informed that the town itself could be closed by 2016.
The proposal is being put out to consultation as part of Lichfield District Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Future) in a joint cost-cutting initiative with Staffordshire County Council.
Lichfield District Council acting leader Mike Wilcox (Con) chuckled:
‘This proposal works on so many levels. Rather than shutting the place down piecemeal as we’ve been doing to date, it makes much more sense to ditch it all at once. Not only will it save the good council taxpayers of Lichfield the cost of maintaining what few services do remain in the wild west, but all those Labour councillors will disappear at the same time. This will provide a welcome shift in the balance of power on the Council in 2016 after we lose control in six weeks time.’
Burntwood Councillor and celebrity granny Sue Norman commented:
‘After the consultation process has closed and the representations of the three local residents who will bother to complain have been ignored, I will fight for the survival of this community. Yes, I’ll start another petition.’
Local mum of five under five year-olds Britney Singleton,19, said:
‘I’m absolutely gobsmacked, you don’t expect this sort of thing to happen round here. I thought the closure of the Children’s Centres was bad enough, cheeky bastards expecting me to bring up my own kids and teach ‘em to read and stuff. Forget it, I’m definitely going to sign Granny Sue’s petition – provided it’s online mind.’
Labour group leader and local butcher Steve Woodward is furious:
‘I’m furious, I say furious. Mrs Norman tells me that she won’t take it lying down, I think she meant the town closure, although we were on the way to a late-night caravaners meet on Cannock Chase at the time.
‘But what’s, I say what’s our local Member doing about this I demand to know. I’m going to sign another petition and not only that, I will be making a further Freedom of Information request to establish the Fabricunt’s whereabouts.’
Chair of Lichfield Conservatives and regular God-botherer Jonathan Hall said:
‘Lord Fabricunt is enjoying a period of self-imposed exile in his North Wales Castle, keeping his mouth shut pending his triumphant return to the City for his coronation in May.
‘He sends his best wishes and hopes that his loyal subjects in Burntwood will soon settle down in their new homes in Brownhills. Amen.’
Labour Parliamentary candidate Chris Whoishey was unavailable for comment due to campaigning commitments in Yardley.
Anyone who would like to sign a Burntwood petition can find them all at www.change.org