Month: December 2014

Stephen Sutton Christmas tree desecrated by the Daily Mail (and the Express & Star stringer)

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Furious London based desk jockey journalists on the Daily Mail have slammed a group of Burntwood yobs who, the Mail claim, have vandalised a Christmas tree dedicated to teen cancer hero Stephen Sutton.

Hundreds of yellow ribbons had been tied to The Sacred Tree which was erected in the late teenager’s town of Burntwood, Staffordshire last weekend.

But just days after his proud mother Jane switched on the lights in front of hundreds of supporters, the winter weather combined with poor tethering techniques caused half a dozen  ribbons to be torn mercilessly from the branches of The Sacred Tree.

In response to the Daily Mail’s orchestrated outrage organisers say they may now be forced to erect giant fences around the tree to prevent future attacks by feral youths who had nothing whatsoever to do with the incident and have nothing but respect for the late teen hero .

The yellow ribbons became a nationwide symbol of Stephen’s battle with cancer as he raised £5m for the Teenage Cancer Trust before his death in May. He touched people across the world when a bucket list containing the 46 things he hoped to do before his death went viral.

Stephen died in May aged just 19 after losing his fight with the disease.

His mother, 50, collected her son’s posthumous MBE from the Queen last month.

Family friend and self-publicist Joanne Jarvis, who organised the tree ribbon tribute, said she had been contacted by the Daily Mail and had been left either ‘gutted’ or ‘gob-smacked’ by the incident.

She said:

‘I am absolutely ‘gutted’ and/or ‘gob-smacked’. I have been in tears, how can the local climate be so disrespectful.’

‘Following their in depth London desk based investigative journalism, the Daily Mail told us that it was definately the local, probably Eastern European immigrant, yobs who were responsible. But we now know for certain they were pulled off by the wind, although admittedly the batter mix at Sankey’s Fish Bar may be implicated.

‘I am just disgusted, as I’m sure all Daily Mail feeders will be.’

Ironically Mrs Jarvis came up with the scheme to decorate the tree in yellow bows after noticing that those put up during Stephen’s fight around the town had begun to weather.

Now fellow residents are calling for the culprit to be punished.

Jeremy French, 45, a welder who lives nearby, said:

‘It’s disgusting, there is no way you would imagine something like this should happen. Fucking wind and rain in Burntwood in December, the police need to get looking at CCTV and find these areas of low pressure and punish them as soon as possible.’

Anne Timber, 67, added:

‘You just wonder about some people these days, they can barely read around here but they’re buying the Daily Mail and believing every picture they see. I hope they get what is coming to them. If local residents found out who did this I there would be hell to pay, Stephen was such a shining light for our community I can’t help but think his shining light has contributed to global climate change that resulted in the climatic turbulence that tore five ribbons from The Sacred Tree.’

Burntwood Town Council officer Brian Cooper said it wasn’t the first time the town’s Christmas tree had been targeted by the weather.

He said:

‘In previous years the winter weather has pushed the tree around but we sincerely hoped that with this year, being dedicated to Stephen Sutton, the Winter Gods of Burntwood wouldn’t do it.

‘However, they have knocked a handful of bows off, which we have reattached.’We hope this will be the end of it. But if it does happen again we will not have much choice but to pick them up and reattach them to the sacred tree.’

Local yobs deny any involvement in the desecration. Lead yob DJ Yobbi Yobster commented:

‘Respect to Stephen Sutton, right, he was a real cool dude and sure welcome to join the posse down on Redwood Wildlife Park nights whenever man. Mind out for all the dog shit and human excrement though, know what I’m sayin?

‘Not sure I do, but we’re good guys just looking for a chance to shine. Please…’

Staffordshire Police confirmed they were investigating and that super arch villain, former BBC weatherman  Michael Fish has been arrested and released on police bail pending further enquiries.

The Daily Mail was unavailable for comment as Kim Kardashian has got her arse out again. But not in Burntwood.

Local MP Michael Fabricant was unavailable for comment, safely within the Wall, in Waitrose, so to speak.

burntwood tree

Distraught Lichfield children and parents join “Free Santa” campaign

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Distraught children and parents from the Lichfield area have joined a mounting campaign to “Free Santa”. Campaigners claim that Santa Claus has been kidnapped and is being held hostage by a dissident band of ultra-conservative egos, the self-styled District 250.

Formerly a branch of Round Table of Great Britain and Ireland, a social organisation for middle-aged men with an interest in go-karting and archery, District 250 has, according to concerned local mum Maureen Roberts, gone rogue.

Mother of two, Maureen said:

‘I became suspicious that something was amiss last week at the Lichfield Christmas Lights switch-on. Santa wasn’t driven around the Market Square like he usually is, instead he seemed to be tethered-up outside the George IV pub. When he did appear his beard covered his whole face, it could’ve been anyone!’

Rumours have been spreading throughout the City for some time that Santa had been captured. Publican Paul Pardoe of The Whippet Inn Micropub in Tamworth Street said:

‘The fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero had been abandoned outside my pub for months. Fortunately the pub windows become so misted up with fat boozers’ heavy-breathing and farting that you couldn’t see the car unless you popped out to piss up its tyres. But a few weeks ago Old Bob Brown nipped out to sick-up his pork pie and ale and swore that he could hear a knocking coming from the car’s boot. I ignored the old drunk at the time but now I’m beginning to wonder.’

district250 car

The “Free Santa” campaign was boosted today when FSL was contacted by a man claiming to be a member of District 250. Nick, not his real name, doesn’t  wish to be identified but said:

‘I joined Lichfield Round Table a couple of years ago because I didn’t have a girlfriend but do have a passion for go-karting and archery. But things have now got out of hand. Last Christmas Santa said he wouldn’t be doing the driving-around-the-streets thing again this year, the parents were going to extreme lengths to avoid his visits and, in the wake of the Jimmy Savile scandal, young kids were more likely to phone Childline than sit on his lap.’

Nick added;

‘Santa also said that it was a little incongruous that he, being Santa, the giver-of-gifts, was being driven around the streets begging for cash from the unemployed self-employed.’

Nick says that it was at this point that District 250 realised the serious threat to it’s income stream. Santa was kidnapped, thrown into the boot of the fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero and parked up at various locations around the City for the rest of the year.

The nightly Christmas Santa tour is now well underway, with the discretely shackled Santa visiting different areas of the City every evening. Nick continued:

‘After 12 months Santa was beginning to exhibit signs of Stockholm Syndrome, he seemed to be actively assisting with the money making plans, he created a website http://www.lichfieldsanta.co.uk  even suggesting routes for the tour to take each evening. Now the website has a tracker which show’s Santa’s progress. Ostensibly this is a useful tool,  parents can now time precisely when to switch off all the house lights or drive to Tesco. But if you look a little more closely at the tracker map it tells a different story.’

district250 map

Earlier today District 250 issued a statement:

‘We can confirm that Santa is helping us with our fundraising efforts again this Christmas. We’re expecting to have a very expensive year, what with the credit card bill for the New York trip to pay and plans to visit Belgium, Italy and India next year. Please do all give very generously when we visit your house. If we do not exceed last years target by 24 December then Christmas will be cancelled.’

Maureen has asked children and parents throughout the City to join the protest. She told us:

‘To ensure Santa’s safety we are asking everyone to give generously but please also to take part in a silent protest, holding up “Free Santa” placards as they parade Santa through your streets.’

For more information visit www.lichfieldsanta.co.uk