Month: June 2015

Burntwood nightclub No.7’s owners warned of deal with Beacon Church by Derek Acorah’s spirit guide

Posted on

Burntwood’s No.7’s Nightclub closed in May after providing a convenient venue for drunken fornication for almost 20 years. Mr Mansell, 78, who has owned the premises for over 40 years, joined forces with co-owner of the business Jennifer Heath, 65, over a couple of bottles of Prosecco in 1987.

Burntwood nightclub
Burntwood nightclub

Trevor said:

‘A 4am licence was granted in the late 1990s for the bar to become a late night venue and Burntwood’s own nightclub was launched. But I’m not getting any younger and I’d recently heard that Burntwood is being closed down in 2016 so we had to make a decision about the future of the business.

‘On Good Friday we opened as usual and the place was packed with family members all looking for easy jobs and free booze. By midnight the drink was flowing down the kid’s necks and the grandson was DJ’ing, cranking up the sound system with a bit of ELO and I turned to Jenny and said “Where did we go wrong?” ‘

Failing to get the Mr Blue Sky reference, Jenny continued:

‘Earlier that day I’d booked tickets to see the truly gifted and genuine psychic Derek Acorah at The Garrick next month. With each internet booking Derek arranges for you to be sent a text message direct from the spirit world. Well, Trevor was dribbling down my cleavage in his ‘70’s reverie when I got this text on my iPhone. Derek’s spirit guide said “Watch out for the pasta.”

Charlatan
Charlatan

‘Well I was absolutely gobsmacked, I’m actually gluten intolerant as you can probably smell. But when I looked up I saw a dark figure approaching us across the dance floor through the dry-ice mist and photo-epileptic strobe lighting.’

Wearing a stetson and cowboy boots the stranger introduced himself to the couple. Trevor recalls:

‘He said “Hi folks, my name is Pastor Sandy of the Beacon Community Church and I’m here to save you.” He sat down at our table and talked to us in his dulcet Scottish tones for the rest of the evening. For the life of me I can’t remember a single word he said, but by the end of the night the club closed and I found myself signing an agreement gifting the Club to the Church.’

Pastor Sandy McMeekin’s mission is to reach out to the community of Burntwood, raise up the community of Burntwood and send out the community of Burntwood to go and live in Brownhills. He explained:

‘Burntwood is dying, it’s vital organs, if you like, are closing down, it’s life-blood is thickening in the town’s arteries. End of Days was foretold in the Bible that I wrote with my sister, sorry, my wife Liz at our kitchen table five years ago. End of Days would be signalled by the triumphant return to the Walled City of the Clown Fabricuntio before the pagan festival of Bower.’

Pastor Sandy and Liz
Pastor Sandy and Liz

According to Pastor Sandy the signs of accelerated descent are all around, citing as examples the recently announced plans to close Chasetown police station and withdraw officers to the safety of new premises that will be built unchallenged in Lichfield’s Green belt; the leaked plans to sell off and close Chasewater and, most symbolically for the young people, the future, of the town, the closure of No.7’s nightclub

The reverend Pastor explained:

‘No.7, so called because of the average number of revellers that it attracted on a Friday and Saturday night, has been dying alongside with the town. These are dark days, I have answered God’s call, me and my sister, sorry my wife Liz together with our Beacon disciples will guide the lost and dislocated into the light.’

The Church has now received planning consent from Lichfield District Council to convert the former nightclub for its own purposes.

Take Me To Church
Take Me To Church

Trevor has no regrets, being a canny business man all his life he added:

‘I may have signed his agreement under the influence of the Pastor’s obvious charisma but what he doesn’t realise is that I transferred the property to my company T.J.M & D. (Burntwood) Limited in February. He’ll have a shock when he puts in for planning to build apartments here next year. Haha.’

Anyone who wants to find out more about the teachings of Pastor Sandy and the Beacon Church will discover very little by visiting their website at http://www.beacon-church.com/pages/

Advertisements

Lichfield District Council demand Cameron-style civic limousine at council tax payers expense

Posted on

The future of the £16,000-a-year luxury Jaguar XF chauffeur-driven car used by the chairman of Lichfield District Council was debated at a meeting of the Overlook not Scrutiny committee this week.

Lichfield District Council Chairman's Car
Lichfield District Council Chairman’s Car

Labour group deputy leader-of-four, Councillor Eric Drinkwater said:

‘It’s crazy, it’s obscene.

‘Drink, feck, arse, girls Ted.’

Labour group leader-of-four, Councillor Sue Woodward agreed with the Labour group deputy leader-of- four, she said:

‘All four of us are agreed – whatever the former Labour group leader of more-than-four Steve Norman says, we agree with him. And why not, he thinks I’m as fit as a butcher’s dog. Grrr…

‘We need to look, I say we need to look, at the £50,000-plus a year spent on the civic budget, all the chain gang going dressed up and travelling in chauffeur-driven limousines, having these meals and getting pissed-up with each other – is there any really value?’

A former Lichfield District Council chairman has insisted a chauffeur-driven car is “absolutely essential”. Conservative Councillor David Leytham, who previously wore the chairman’s chains, said:

‘If the chairman is to continue the civic role and continue meeting, greeting and drinking heavily across the county and further afield, my view is that the car is absolutely essential, it’s driven by someone who remains sober and it’s comfortable to sleep in for short periods if necessary. Or overnight.’

Newly elected chairman Councillor Norma Bacon commented:

‘I’ve been looking forward to this for years and just when I’ve made it they’re trying to take away the perks. I’ve been a member of the chain gang for a number of years now, both as Lichfield mayor and bitch of the mayor. But I’ve never had use of the Jaguar XF before.

Conservative Councillor Thomas Marshall said there could be opportunities for a link up with local businesses to provide a suitable vehicle. He said:

‘The chairman’s husband Brian is a cabbie, we could link up with his firm TravelWood of Burntwood  to supply the civic transport. Norma and Brian are joined at the hip anyway and the sight of Brian at the helm of a minivan calling to pick up Norma from the Dimbles would hardly raise an eyebrow.

‘But just imagine the sleek black Jaguar XF cruising through the streets of the downtown Zombie Zone. The XF may be the same make as PM David Cameron’s ministerial car but it’s not armoured, it wouldn’t stand a chance.’

Chairman Bacon concedes:

Norma Bacon tribute act
Norma Bacon tribute act

‘It’s horses for courses really, if I’m going to a civic function then the Jaguar XF is just the ticket.

‘But it’s a bit over the top for my gigs as a Roy”Chubby” Brown tribute act.’

Joe Powell "Crop Protection Specialist"
Joe Powell “Crop Protection Specialist”

Her Tory colleague, self-employed crop protection advisor Councillor Joseph Powell was keen to assure the meeting that chairmen and vice-chairmen were not merely using the vehicle as a perk.

‘It’s important that we make it clear that the car isn’t used for just having drinks and nice meals,’ explained.
‘We use it for lots of very useful meetings with the council, such as visiting homosexual groups. I recommend that we retain the civic transport but make it a little less hard and black and more pink and inviting.’

Joe Powell's vision of Michael Fabricant in the civic vehicle
Joe Powell’s vision of Michael Fabricant in the civic vehicle

Councillor Powell is happily married. Mrs Powell declined to comment.

Anyone who is interested in Councillor Powell’s interests can see them here  http://www.lichfielddc.gov.uk/downloads/file/4331/powell_joe

“Include more Gingers in Lichfield District Council Cabinet,” says exiled Shadow Council

Posted on Updated on

Lichfield District Council should have included more gingers in the Cabinet, according to chairman of the Beacon Street  Shadow Council in exile, BSTARD.

The controlling Conservative group added two new posts to the Cabinet at the first meeting of the local authority since the elections.

Doug Pullem
Doug Pullem

The new additions saw Councillor Helen Fisher take on responsibility for booking family holidays and with Councillor Doug Pullen looking after community he is the only openly ginger member of the eight person cabinet.

Cllr Mike Wilcox, leader of Lichfield District Council claimed the additions would enable a more folically diverse type of councillor to emerge.

He said:

‘We have to recognise that in our insular community, where dogs will bark at the unexpected sight of a visiting gypsy at Bower, many gingers can find themselves discriminated against.

‘As a result we are creating two new cabinet positions to enable gingers to put themselves in a position to be considered for a senior role.

‘Doug Pullen is startlingly ginger and Helen Fisher has clearly had bit of ginger in her in the past. Helen’s daughter, newly-

Beth Fisher
Beth Fisher

elected former musical theatre star Councillor Connie Fisher, is a natural ginger.’

But BSTARD chairman Sidney Sprite, 86, said he would like to see even more ginger  diversity. From a dank and mouldy corner of his Beacon Street residence, the bitter and twisted, sunlight averse Newcastle United fan hater commented:

‘Mrs Sprite was a beautiful ginger in her day, but she was never able to come to terms with her colouration. “I’m not ginger Sidney,” she’d plead, “I’m auburn, maybe strawberry blonde in a certain light?”

‘That was before before her hair turned grey, she was only 28. I knew that deep down she blamed me for that; sticking my nose into other people’s business, quoting meaningless statistics, commenting on local issues from a self-constructed ivory tower build on sand but never daring to stand for office myself.

‘”You’re draining the very colour from my life,” she’d say. That was her little joke; she was always joking – a common defensive trait of a ginger. She died shortly afterwards, just to get away from me she’d have said. Jokingly, in her typically defensive ginger way. I miss her. Bitch.’

Councillor Pullen has welcomed his appointment to Cabinet. He said:

‘I welcome my appointment to Cabinet, the whole family is delighted.’

Doug’s wife is none other than fellow councillor Natasha Inez Pullen. The Spanish former lingerie model commented:

natasha pullem‘In my country a flame-headed man is every woman’s dream, engorged with passion and virility, a man who drives a woman to the very edge of sensuality and beyond with his physical prowess.

‘Clearly it’s different over here,’ she sighed.

No stranger to punching above his weight, Doug Pullen said:

‘As a cabinet member with responsibility for “community” I am determined to make a difference. Dog mess is a priority and I will be on the streets supporting Cllr Greatrix with as many black bags as he needs.’

Any ginger who has been disturbed by this article is advised to contact the Very Reverend Philip John @lichfieldLive

Philip John