Month: November 2018

Lichfield constituents petition the PM to give Michael Fabricant peerage to get rid of him

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Following Prime Minister Theresa May’s drive to garner support for her defunct Brexit Withdrawal Agreement by bestowing honours on potential supporters, Lichfield voters are petitioning for their MP to be made a Lord as soon as possible.
Lord Lichfield
Burntwood health service worker Paul Mycock started the movement, he explained:

‘After the death this week of Conservative peer Baroness Trumpton and the knighthood of Tamworth MP Christopher “Bottom” Pincher, I conceived a plan that would rid us of our truculent member, a plan that his ego would find irresistible.

‘If we could persuade the PM offer him a peerage in return for his vote Fabricant would be unable to resist then he’d have to resign as our MP. Result. What a win win solution for all concerned.’

Not everyone is so enthusiastic about the premature ejaculation of Mr Fabricant into the upper echelons of British society. Long-time friend Andy Street is West Midlands Mayor. He said:

‘The plan was that when my term as Mayor ends in 2020, it would be general election time under the fixed term Parliament. Mike would retire and I would stand as candidate for Lichfield MP. Well, that was the plan, who knows when the next election will be now thanks to the incompetence of Mrs May.
‘But one thing’s for sure, if Mike becomes a Lord in the next few months I’m out of the game.
‘And that’s a shame, I’ve had my eye on Mike’s seat for years.’

Mr Fabricant was unavailable for comment as we went to press as he was trapped in a lift by Conservative Whips in a dummy run for 11 December.

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Lichfield BID Police to throw suspects into oncoming traffic following successful Met trial

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Following Scotland Yard revelations that moped-based thieves are being deliberately rammed by police vehicles, Lichfield’s de facto police force, BID Beacon Street Runners, confirm that they are piloting plans to throw drunks into oncoming traffic outside The Brewhouse pub on Friday nights.

Police car

Steve Sargent is a volunteer badge seller in the city’s British Heart Foundation outlet during the week but at the weekend is a senior BIDBSR officer he said:

‘We have been very interested in the Met’s summary justice initiative. One of my colleagues is quite good at reading and has researched the background and success rate of the use of lethal force to combat mobile phone and handbag theft.

‘He reports that the tactic has had a big impact, especially if you can get them to bounce off the bonnet and roll under the front wheels of the squad car in front of a dashcam..

The vigilante force hopes that its new fully liveried look-alike police vehicle will be on the road early in the new year. Sergeant Sargent explained:

‘My driving test is booked for 23 January and I’m confident that I will pass, I’ve had plenty of driving experience as this will be my tenth attempt. If all goes well I expect to be driving over perps on Beacon Street well before Easter.’

Lichfield BID Chairman Paul “Mad Dog” Maddox is a former real police officer and sometime publican at Lichfield’s fine dining and drinking emporium The Scales. He often dons a police costume after kicking-out time to give moral support to the BIDBSR team.

Mad Dog

He said:

‘Typically, I spend Saturday evening getting the local low life pissed and fighty. We encourage the passing trade to come into the bar so that the lads can ply them with drink in the hope of a shag. But I tell you, if the lads aren’t knuckle deep in filth by midnight they start getting a bit feisty so, provided that they’re all spent up, we kick’em out onto the street.

‘And that’s when the trouble starts. I leave the bar, change into my BIDBSR police costume and and join my colleagues on patrol in the city streets. Not all heros have a mask and a cape, but we do all have police replica hi-viz jackets and walkie-talkies.

‘I have a talent, almost a sixth sense, for spotting drunks that have been pouring their kids child support into my tills all night. This city deserves better than this, we need to rid our streets of this scum after closing time (04:00 at weekends). Especially if they’re from Brownhills. That’s why I am supporting this new MPS vigilante initiative.

‘I swear to God, during the festive season any drunks that BIDBSR arrest will be dragged out of town and thrown under the wheels of the nearest white cab being driven by those guys from Wolverhampton.’

Lichfield Late Night Listeners will be providing sweet tea and support for any injured drunks awaiting an ambulance.