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Dr. Samuel Johnson of Lichfield adjudicates from the grave on the definition of “twat”

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TWAT

NOUN

VULGAR slang

1. Female genitalia, albeit unfamiliar territory for Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

2. Person regarded as stupid or obnoxious e.g. Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

VERB

BRITISH informal

1. To hit or punch (someone).

“If I was on a discussion programme with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown I’d twat her in the throat” says Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

A volunteer wrote this, say thanks with a coffee, or a punch in the throat

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Brexit creates record number of zero-hour jobs, claims Lichfield MP

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Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.

The MP said:

‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.

‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’

Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:

‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.

‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’

‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’

Mr Fabricant responded:

‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.

‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’

FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.

Homeless Lichfield man seeks Syrian passport in the hope of finding a house

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beach

Local homeless man, Peter Smith, is seeking a Syrian passport in the hope that he will then qualify for a decent house in Lichfield or Burntwood.

Staffordshire County Council has pledged to take in up to 50 Syrian refugee families and is consulting with Lichfield District Council on local numbers.

Mr Smith, a local celebrity “chugger”, sells The Big Issue from his patch outside Boots in the City centre. He explained:

‘I’ve been trying to get a council house for years but I’ve been discriminated against because I own a BMW convertible and a portfolio of stocks and shares.’

With Syrian families expected to arrive early next year Mr Smith believes that he has no alternative but to obtain a Syrian passport at the earliest opportunity. Pete continued:

‘The weather outside is frightful. As I’m homeless and without children that I’m aware of, I often winter abroad. This Christmas I’m planning a trip to Kos to see what I can find washed up on the beach, the Aegean can be quite choppy at this time it year especially if you’re in a packed dingy.’

Mr Smith also plans a stopover in France on the way home.

‘If I have no luck in Kos then I’ll call in on Paris, I’ve heard that French security services have scattered loads of fake Syrian passports all over the city.’

Peter’s only concern about becoming a Syrian refugee is the reaction of local residents. Rob of Burntwood commented:

‘We don’t want swarms of stinking Syrians here, self-detonating all over the place. If Peter Smith becomes a Syrian refugee then that will make him a terrorist and he will not be welcome here in Burntwood. Unless he goes to live with Cllr Sue Woodward who is keen to offer these people accommodation provided that it’s in other people’s homes.’

 

Lichfield City FC fail to win in what proved to be a scintillating opening match of the new season

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Fourteen players and only one can score
Fourteen players and only one can score

With the long-awaited start of the 2015/16 football season, our award-winning  soccer correspondent Ross Hamstring reports:

Lichfield City FC drew 2-2 against Atherstone on Saturday.

Gary Birch’s men started well with Ricardo Richards kicking the ball, missing the goal and straining his groin.

Odane Barnes replaced him, kicked the ball and also missed the goal.

Lichfield’s Tony Clarke kicked the ball and also missed the goal.  

Barnes kicked the ball into the net. Goal.

Atherstone’s Ryan Ball kicked the ball in the opposite direction and scored.

That was the end of a thrilling first half.

Following the break Barnes kicked the ball in the opposite direction and into the net. Another goal.

One of Lichfield’s players tried to catch the ball to keep it out of the goal. He is not the goalie, so penalty.

Atherstone’s Simeon Smith kicked the ball into the goal. Goal.

Lichfield’s Clarke kicked the ball and missed.

Barnes kicked the ball and missed again.

That was the end of the match.

Lichfield return to action tomorrow (August 11) with a home game against Heather St Johns. Kick-off is at 7.45pm if anyone is remotely interested.

Overwhelming public demand forces Lichfield UKIP candidate to agree to a poetry recital

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Lichfield and Burntwood UKIP candidate John Rackham promised local voters a real treat when he announced a series of public readings following his hugely successful appearance at the People InSpired election hustings last Sunday (19 April).

Last orders
Last orders

John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

The city’s favourite barman added:

‘I was delighted that over 300 people packed into the Cathedral to see me and listen to what I had to say. And I can tell you they were stunned into silence by my eloquent reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto.’

The owner of The Kings Head pub in Bird Street can be found manning the UKIP stand in Market Street each Saturday in the run up to the General Election. Accompanied by fellow UKIP members and nightclub bouncers, John hands out leaflets and chats with local white middle-class voters of limited intelligence.

This Saturday (25 April) John will be joining the other parliamentary candidates for a hustings at Speakers’ Corner. John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

He added:

‘Dozens of people have come up to me in the boozer and said “Pint of Pedi please guv’nor” That’s what they call me you know, “The Guv’nor”, like in them gangster movies and Eastenders, ’cause I may be 69-years-old but I’m still fuckin’ ‘ard. And they say to me, “Loved your reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto guv, when can we hear more?”

‘Well there’s much more where that came from I can tell you, join me at the Speakers’ Corner on Saturday.’

At the Cathedral last Sunday John demonstrated his oratory skills as he read segments verbatim from the UKIP manifesto in response to impassioned pleas from the audience for guidance on a wide range of issues. He even threw in an ad-lib in reply to a question on what UKIP would do about climate change. To the delight and amusement of the audience John responded:

‘I’ve just read something about that…oh yes here we are – as you all well know, our position on climate change is “we’ll be keeping an eye on that”.’

After the break in proceedings,during which the congregation were invited to use the toilet facilities in McDonald’s Restaurant, John returned to the stage to apologise for the poor sound quality during the first session. He explained:

‘Apparently I should hold the microphone closer to my mouth, which I find a little bit of an odd suggestion as most of the time I’m talking out of my arse.’

Missing presumed dead
Missing presumed dead

The Kings Head is the oldest pub in Lichfield dating back to 1408 and is the birthplace of The Staffordshire Regiment. In honour of the pub’s military connections John has expressed a wish to expand his public reading repertoire. He explained:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.

‘I plan to find time at the next hustings to give a poetry recital with a military theme.

‘ I had originally considered something by Siegfried Sassoon, but then our UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff pointed out that the guy must be a bloody German, that his middle name was Loraine and that after the War he went on to become a ladies hairdresser. That ticks all the wrong UKIP boxes.

‘So I’ve chosen “Dulce Et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen, he sounds like a good old fashioned  English heterosexual to me, even if his poem does sound a bit French. Here’s a little extract:

“But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,

And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…

Dim, through the misty panes…”

‘Sounds a bit like me on Sunday evening at the Cathedral come to think of it,’  reflected the 69-year-old boozer.

Anyone who wishes to contact Burntwood UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff, who has not been seen in public since his election in 2013, are advised to contact him either at The Kings Head or with the assistance of a medium.

Al Murray was unavailable for comment.

Pizza delivery saves Lichfield Mayor’s bacon

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saxon penny gas

THE Mayor of Lichfield Councillor Nora Bacon was at The Saxon Penny pub on Lichfield’s Darwin Park last week for a VIP tasting night.

Pub manager Steven Baxter,63, said:

‘We’re happy that the pizzas seem to be going down a treat tonight and I’d like to give a special thank you to Domino’s Pizza who have made the pizzas to order before handing them over to local cabbie Councillor Brian Bacon for express delivery to the pub. I think we got away with it.’

Domino’s were delighted to be able to help out. Manager Paul Acne,17,  said:

‘We were able to take the orders by phone, prepare and deliver the pizzas to the Saxon Penny before the the pub staff would normally have taken the customers drinks order.’

Steven added:

‘Not only did the Domino’s delivery improve our service levels but it also meant that we didn’t have to turn on the new pizza oven tonight’

Problems started as soon as the new oven had been installed, once fired up it gave off strong “straight from the factory” odours and the poor ventilation meant that the pub was full of fumes.

 

Local gourmet Richard Richardson recently bought one of the houses opposite which were heavily discounted during the pub’s construction period, he said:

‘I soon got used to the fumes as I’m in here two or three times a day. The kids love it, we don’t mind being corralled into the family eating and play area. The new oven seems to vent into this area, I was a little concerned at first but when I noticed the drowsiness, dizziness, confusion, headache, and fast-approaching unconsciousness I thought “result” – the kids slept right through the night and I didn’t have to drink six pints of Peroni to achieve the same effect.’

Head chef Carl House said:

‘On the whole I think that its been a great success, with some modifications we’re hoping that the level of fumes will reduce before we have to close all the doors and windows for winter.

‘In the meantime, can I recommend our specialty Greek style pizza Hypercapnia with all the potential toppings.’

Manager Steven added:

‘Our new kitchen has certainly added a sense of theatre to the dining occasion. I’m sure that the Mayor enjoyed the experience. She was joined by Cllr Bacon after he finished his driving shift. They each ordered our “This Little Piggy” pizza – ham and mozzarella with extra toppings of smoky bacon and sausage.’

Anyone fancying a Saxon Penny pizza can place an order direct from the Domino’s website http://www.dominos.co.uk

We know what you did last summer

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HOLIDAY in Portugal and Cornwall this summer a long lost memory?

Wondering what’s been happening in the Cathedral City whilst you’ve  been away?

Hanging onto the tail-end of summer before the glorious finale of  ‘Jerusalem’ and the fireworks of Saturday’s Proms in the Park?

Dreading the inevitable mirthless descent towards Christless?

Well don’t worry, we’ve been keeping an eye on things from a suitably tropical distance whilst you’ve had better things to do.

 And here’s some of the best bits:

 

Lichfield District Council in cash-grab from council taxpayers’ bank accounts

cash-grab

LICHFIELD District Council raided local council taxpayers bank accounts on 13 August.

The unscheduled Council Tax direct debit payment at the height of the summer holiday season came as an unexpected knockout blow for many cash-strapped locals.  A council spokesman said at the time:

‘Never mind, payment by direct debit remains the most simple, convenient and safe way for us to steal your money.

‘We would like to thank you for continuing to pay by this method and thereby avoiding that knock on the door by our over-enthusiastic bailiffs. Please enjoy what’s left of your miserable holiday, sorry the kids can’t eat this week.’

If you would like to discuss any of the points raised, please contact the Council Tax Billing Team on 01543 308882/3/4 who will be unable to help you with your account.

 

Unemployed Londoners occupy the roof of a Shenstone factory in random show of support of Palestinians

MEMBERS of the London Palestine Action Group occupied a camp on top of the UAV Engines factory in Shenstone.

The group claimed that the Israeli owned company makes engines for Israeli drones.

The company spokesman said:

‘We have owned this land since we stole it  from the Lammas Land Trust in 1948 as compensation for the atrocities committed against weapons manufacturers throughout our history. The unlawful occupation of the factory roof by these lowlife gentiles threaten the security of the region, their porridge eating and first floor defecating is a cause of great concern to the local commuters who congregate in The Plough each evening to pass judgement on the ‘lowers’ of the village.’

The siege was eventually ended as a police drone helicopter approached menacingly out of the early evening sun from within the Wall. Powered by a UAV engine the drone videoed  the removal of the protesters from the roof by officers on the ground.

drone

Tempted down by a promise of hot pork baguettes and bottles of merlot, ‘Palestinian’ leader Pete ‘Swampy’ Smith commented:

‘By allowing this factory to export drone components to Israel, the UK Government is providing direct support and approval to Israel’s massacres.

‘We demand the permanent closure of the factory and an end to all forms of military trade and co-operation with Israel.

‘But alternatively,if you could just pay for our train fares back to Brighton we’ll be off.’

Outside the factory supporters of the protest massed in their 10’s.

shenstone 10

 

Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:

‘By a quirk of boundaries Shenstone is not within my constituency,  just like Burntwood. But had it have been I would have commented:

‘It is an outrage that the factory roof has been occupied and is a threat to the rest of the premises. I wholeheartedly support the Company should it choose to annihilate those concerned. There will of course be collateral damage to the roof but his can be repaired over the next 20 years by you, the taxpayers, with aid funded by humanitarian appeals on TV for just £3 a month.’

 

Councillor cleans up local wildlife park

CELEBRITY granny, Councillor Sue Woodward spent her summer holiday litter picking in the former Redwood Park.

Following questions from locals asking if the Park had been designated as the new Burntwood Tip Councillor Woodward commented:

‘No, Redwood Park is not the new tip. We have spent the past few weeks collecting old fag packets, crisp wrappers, chip papers, condoms  and the like from the hedgerows. Dog shit has been a significant problem but with the help of JCB from the People’s Republic of Uttoxeter this has also been removed.’

photo (9)

Looking to the future, newly appointed Burntwood Town Council enforcer Steve Lightfoot commented:

‘We are confident that the park will be designated, not as a tip, but as a Wildlife Park, being home, as it is, for all sorts of local wildlife who may find living in a traditional housing a little too challenging.’

 

 

Burntwood MP Michael Fabricant gets a bloody nose

FORMER member for Burntwood, Michael Fabricant  spent the summer Parliamentary recess addressing the pressing concerns of his constituents.

Whilst the lack of a Burntwood Health Centre debacle continued, Mr Fabricant lobbied against the unusual issue of discrimination against gay men in their right to donate blood.

In an article in the Guardian Mr Fabricant said:

‘It’s so unfair, if a promiscuous heterosexual man having unsafe sex is allowed to donate blood why shouldn’t the rules be applied equally to a promiscuous gay man having unsafe sex.’

Local gay Guy D Hiscock commented:

‘To be frank, if you ask me there are far more important discrimination issues that need tackling  than equality in blood donation. But on the other hand, the prospect of feeling a quick prick followed by ten minutes of a rhythmic throbbing is quite appealing now you mention it.’

When not campaigning for the right to donate bodily fluids indiscriminately, the honourable member was upping his campaign for the blood of the cuckolded midget Speaker Bercow.

Alas another campaign of no interest or significance to his loyal Burntwood constituents.

 

‘A’ Level results day ‘just an excuse to perv over teenage girls’

A GROUP of unattractive, unqualified and underemployed Lichfield ladies complained about the media coverage of our local schools’ ‘A’ level results.

Vicky Pearce of Lichfield Ladies Circle said:

‘We all pretend to be friends and entertain ourselves with baking and knitting whilst our ‘men’ are out having fantastic archery and real ale evenings and driving round in their fully-liveried Mitsubishi Priapic RotundTable car.

‘But then every summer, to add insult to injury,  we have to put up with pages of filth in the Lichfield Mercury and that on-line rag ‘Lichfield Died’  following on from ‘A’ Level results day.

‘Page after page of young fit attractive flat-stomached girls jumping in the air, vibrant and full of life, it’s an absolute disgrace.’

volleyballgirls

Lichfield Died’s football correspondent, former celebrity skateboarder Ross Hawkes defended the coverage:

‘Every year we get sent dozens of photographs on results day by our local schools. We just choose to publish the ones where the kids seem to be having the most fun, just so long as it’s a group of flat-stomached well-endowed hotties. Frankly I’m not bothered what grades they’ve  got, as far as I’m concerned everyone’s a winner!

‘The rest I leave for my mate Phil.’

 

Staffordshire Police become online lingerie salesmen

DESIGNER clothes bought by ball-achingly beautiful Lichfield mom Michaela Hutchings were put up for auction on e-Bay by Staffordshire Police.

Ms Hutchings had been innocently sent an unsolicited gift of £50,000 by the financially incompetent Lichfield District Council and then promptly convicted of dishonesty.

Kayla said :

‘Without prejudice, my understanding of the legal position is that under the provisions of the Unsolicited Goods and Services Act 1971 (as amended), any received monies can be retained as an unconditional gift. As the receiver, so to speak, I had no obligation to return the gift… sorted.’

Mickey spent a modest £7,000 of the LDC’s generosity buying luxury goods by Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Ralph Lauren and Dior, amongst other brands. She generously gave £1,000 to her mum before wisely investing £40,000 for the future in a savings account.

The designer clothes were seized and put up for sale on-line by Staffordshire Police in a bid to recoup some of the £51,006.55 confiscation order.

Kayla commented:

‘There really was no need for a confiscation order, as soon as I realised the mistake I agreed to give the money back, but it was tied up in a tax-free ISA with interest penalties for early withdrawal. And that’s not something I’m keen on – early withdrawal, so to speak, to be honest.’

Staffordshire PCC Matthew Ellis said :

‘All of these items were genuine, purchased at full retail price in High Street stores and were seized the day after purchase and I for one am delighted to have been the successful bidder for a nearly-new pair of Paramour panties.’

paramour

 

Labour Parliamentary Candidate gets married

LABOUR Parliamentary Candidate Chris Whoishey got married and went on honeymoon, somewhere.

Chris said:

‘Thanks for asking anyway. Maybe see you again in 2020?’

cw save

 

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