Month: February 2015

Government minister praises fire union for demonstrating its capacity for job cuts

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Fire chief
Fire chief

WESTMINSTER fire minister Penny Mordaunt praised the Fire Brigades Union today for demonstrating the capacity for further job cuts within the Fire and Rescue Service.

Visiting Lichfield today Ms Mordaunt said:

‘Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service confirmed that they attended just nine incidents during the 24-hour Fire Brigades Union strike, which ended at 7am this morning. There were no incidents of note during the strike. The figures compare to 16 in 2014, 38 in 2013 and 39 in 2012. This clearly shows that by reducing the number of firefighters we are improving public safety.’

Chief Fire Officer Peter Dartford said:

‘Once again we have seen the Fire Brigades Union’s policy of strike action go up in smoke.

‘But I would like to thank local residents and motorists for not setting themselves alight nor deliberately crashing their vehicles when the strike was taking place.’

Local fire crew leader and self-employed plumber Scott Tracy commented:

‘It’s a challenging time for the lads. Job cuts will have a disastrous effect on our businesses and the public will notice a dramatic reduction in fire engine “drive-rounds” that we do in the summer months eyeing up the local talent.’

Scott Tracy

The FBU does however have plenty of support locally. Britney Singleton,19 year-old mother of five under fives from Burntwood said:

‘I’m absolutely gobsmacked, you don’t expect something like this to happen round here. I’ll definitely be supporting the “Tits Out for the Tenders” campaign. And I’ll sign another petition, provided it’s online mind.’

This was the 14th round of strike action to result in dramatic improvements in public safety since the dispute between the FBU and the Government began in September 2013. Minister Penny Mordaunt added:

‘The FBU action has proven to be so successful that when the demolition of the Lichfield Fire Station has been completed I will be recommending that the site be incorporated into the new Friarsgate shopping centre development that I understand is due to start any day now.’

Burntwood to be closed down completely by 2016

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Former Dr Who characters Councillors Mrs S Sontaran and Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart show names and addresses of local agitators
Former Dr Who characters Councillors Mrs S Sontaran and Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart show names and addresses of local agitators

Following failed plans for a new health centre, the proposed closure of Children’s Centres and GP surgeries and the demise of Go Bananas, shocked Burntwood residents have now been informed that the town itself could be closed by 2016.

The proposal is being put out to consultation as part of Lichfield District Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Future) in a joint cost-cutting initiative with Staffordshire County Council.

Lichfield District Council acting leader Mike Wilcox (Con) chuckled:

Mike Wilcox
Mike Wilcox

‘This proposal works on so many levels. Rather than shutting the place down piecemeal as we’ve been doing to date, it makes much more sense to ditch it all at once.  Not only will it save the good council taxpayers of Lichfield the cost of maintaining what few services do remain in the wild west, but all those Labour councillors will disappear at the same time. This will provide a welcome shift in the balance of power on the Council in 2016 after we lose control in six weeks time.’

Burntwood Councillor and celebrity granny Sue Norman commented:

‘After the consultation process has closed and the representations of the three local residents who will bother to complain have been ignored, I will fight for the survival of this community. Yes, I’ll start another petition.’

Local mum of five under five year-olds Britney Singleton,19,  said:

‘I’m absolutely gobsmacked, you don’t expect this sort of thing to happen round here. I thought the closure of the Children’s Centres was bad enough, cheeky bastards expecting me to bring up my own kids and teach ‘em to read and stuff. Forget it, I’m definitely going to sign Granny Sue’s petition – provided it’s online mind.’

Labour group leader and local butcher Steve Woodward is furious:

‘I’m furious, I say furious. Mrs Norman tells me that she won’t take it lying down, I think she meant the town closure, although we were on the way to a late-night caravaners meet on Cannock Chase at the time.

‘But what’s, I say what’s our local Member doing about this I demand to know. I’m going to sign another petition and not only that, I will be making a further Freedom of Information request to establish the Fabricunt’s whereabouts.’

Chair of Lichfield Conservatives and regular God-botherer Jonathan Hall said:

‘Lord Fabricunt is enjoying a period of self-imposed exile in his North Wales Castle, keeping his mouth shut pending his triumphant return to the City for his coronation in May.

‘He sends his best wishes and hopes that his loyal subjects in Burntwood will soon settle down in their new homes in Brownhills. Amen.’

Labour Parliamentary candidate Chris Whoishey was unavailable for comment due to campaigning commitments in Yardley.

Anyone who would like to sign a Burntwood petition can find them all at