burntwood town council
Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.
The MP said:
‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.
‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’
Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:
‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.
‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’
‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’
Mr Fabricant responded:
‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.
‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’
FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.
Burntwood Town Council’s foray into amateur property development “probably a mistake” admits councillor
Former Burntwood Town Council leader Cllr Richard Mosson has admitted that it was probably a mistake for the Council to commit local taxpayers to a property development vanity project.
The Council offices moved from it’s convenient cost-effective location at Burntwood library to the Old Mining College Centre in 2015. Cllr Mosson said:
‘It was a great opportunity, what could possibly go wrong, signing up to a 35 year full repairing lease of a dilapidated building?’
A meeting of the Town Council’s policy and resources committee last week to considered plans to address the state of the building, including replacement of wooden framed sash windows at a cost of £20,000 and the relaying of floors. The total cost of repairs and refurbishments is currently estimated at over £55,000.
Paul Mycock, an officer in Lichfield District Council’s Legal, Property and Democratic Services department did not want to be identified. He said:
‘I can barely contain myself,’ he laughed, ‘even with the District Council’s resources and proven track record in successful property development projects, we could never make the Old Mining College commercially viable. But we were saddled with a 35 year full repairing lease from the landlord, Staffordshire County Council. We told them we wanted to surrender the lease and they said “fcuk off”.
‘Thinking that maybe they had been a little harsh, the CC came back to us to say that they would take a surrender but only if we could find some other mug to take it on on the same debilitating terms.
‘There was a knock on the door and who should be there but former Burntwood Town Councillor Steve Norman. And the rest, as they say, is history.’
The Town Council meeting considered various solutions to the dilemma. Cllr Sue Woodward suggested approaching the producers of DIY SOS or the Restoration Project. Unelected leader of the Council “Cllr” Norman Baker responded:
‘Don’t be so ridiculous Sue, after all it was you and your husband that got us into this mess. No, what I propose is that we spent £5,000 on flowers and a new lawn and introduce a mini crazy golf course. And we should invest in photo’s of Town Council Chairmen past and present to adorn the stairway and the charge local taxpayers who want to view. We could announce these innovative plans on a new £1,000 message board.
‘Sorted. Now where’s my cab? Has anyone seen Brian? The old fool.’
The Town Council’s plans can be seen HERE
Lichfield District councillor Doug Pullem, Cabinet member for Community and the Blindingly Obvious has been tasked with communicating the blindingly obvious to local residents, councillors and council staff.
The Burntwood councillor has drawn up a Blindingly Obvious Report on the issue of vulnerable children and young adults which will be considered by the Council’s Cabinet at its meeting next month.
Councillor Pullem is no stranger to abuse, he said :
‘Being a livid ginger myself I was mocked as a child and now shunned as a vulnerable adult especially during summer holidays. But I harnessed that hatred to become a qualified barrister, fortunately one of the few professions where it is acceptable to wear a wig to work. Going forward I hope to trade in the horsehair for Michael Fabricunt’s luxuriant merkin as Conservative Parliamentary Candidate in 2020.’
The Blindingly Obvious Report is entitled:
‘If I See Signs of Abuse Should I Report It?’
Cllr Pullem explained:
‘Council staff have a key role to play in preventing abuse, my report of the Blindingly Obvious will provided an essential tool for navigating this minefield.’
A copy of the Blindingly Obvious report is available on the Council website, but for those who are short on time here is the executive summary:
The prolific polymath that is Cllr Pullem has also turned his attention to public safety during the festive season. He explained :
‘I’ve put together an easy to understand calendar of tips to get across important safety messages to the local hard of thinking, primarily aimed at my own constituents in Burntwood.’
The tips include not leaving shopping and presents unattended in the pub car park, not attaching petrol soaked rags to Christmas candles, not sticking fingers in plug sockets whilst bathing, not performing a sex acts with the Boxing Day ham and not taking taxis driven by potential suicide bombers.
The Cabinet member added:
‘The calendar worked well last year at getting across important safety messages to local idiots.
‘From Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service to our own community health teams, lots of experts have contributed to the calendar to give a clear indication of planned dates for industrial action by the Fire Brigades Union and the junior doctors and lots of handy hints for DIY CPR over the Christmas period.’
The calendar is available from Lichfield District Council’s Frog Lane reception and venues across the district. More details are available online.
Lichfield District Council has produced a list of the top 12 most popular rubbish dumping locations in the district, with Chorley coming in first position with no less that five of the top 12 slots.
Self-employed caravan dweller Mickey O’Connell said:
‘This is great news, so it is. I’ve just recently moved into the area and started up a house and garden clearance business. This Council report has saved me hours of research and a fortune in pink diesel.
‘With the evenings drawing in now it’s really handy to have a carefully selected list of excellent areas where I can drive and dump my load.’
The report entitled “Fly-tipping” has been compiled by council officer J R Hartley for consideration at tonight’s meeting of the Leisure, Parks and Waste Management (Overlook any Scrutiny) Committee.
The Committee will also be considering available options to abandon the Council’s involvement in local Parks and Open Spaces. In a separate F4F (“Fucked for the Foreseeable”) Service Review paper one of the proposals is for the sale of various facilities.
Committee member Cllr Sue Norman said:
‘Whilst wishing to secure a Waste Recycling Site for Burntwood I totally reject the proposal to sell-off Redwood Wildlife Park and Zoo to private waste site operators.’
Local Waste operator Rob Pass disagrees:
‘Redwood is already treated by the locals as a tip so the proposal makes perfect sense. In fact it would be a positive improvement as we wouldn’t accept dog shite and drug addicts.’
Any councillors who can read and wish to consider the reports or any local resident looking to discard that unwanted sofa with impunity should go here .
Staffordshire County Council bricked up sections beneath the ramps at the popular park off Cherry Close last month.
Local park dweller Kev Slagson, 19, commented:
‘When we were told the Council were coming to do some brickwork I thought, great, it’s about time we got some walls on these homes. So I left them to it while I went to the methadone clinic.
‘I was gob-smacked when I got back, it was totally bricked up – they’d only gone and forget to put in any bloody doors. So I’ve had to knock through, it’s not vandalism, I was just installing my own doorway. Admittedly I didn’t make a very good job of it, but I blame three years on the crap bricklaying course at Chase Terrace Collage for that.’
Kevin found himself homeless earlier this year after his mother threw him out of the eight bedroomed Bromford Housing home in the Dimbles. Mother of five Greta Slagson said:
‘As soon as the bedroom tax started to bite I had to do something., Kev had to go for a start off, waster that he is, I’ve not even been getting child benefit for him for months. I’ve sublet his room to a travelling salesman, lovely chap, always asks politely before he climbs into my bed after a night out.’
Having been thrown out of his own home Kevin embarked on his journey to the fabled former socialist enclave of Burntwood .
‘It was an arduous journey,’ Kev recalls. ‘Battling through the harsh winter but eventually I happened upon Burntwood, the forgotten outpost beyond the Wall.’
Exhausted and destitute, Kevin was taken in by the local Youth Centre. They provided him with food and an old snooker table for a bed. Former youth worker Barrington Weaver explained:
‘Kev was in a poor way when he arrived on our doorstep. My first thought was to take him to the new Burntwood Health Centre but then I remembered that we don’t have one. So I tried to get him registered with a local GP only to discover that most doctors had already abandoned the town.’
Things went from bad to worse as Kevin was made homeless again when the Youth Centre was closed down by Staffordshire County Council in March 2015.
‘Fortunately the skate park is right next to the Youth Centre and the ramps provide excellent shelter, especially if you can get a fire going down there. Before long I’d settled in and was inviting mates round for beer and drugs parties, the music was awesome, even the local neighbours joined in, throwing shapes and shouting from their bedroom windows. The park is known as a real hot-spot now.’
Not all residents who live near the park, known locally as Dolophine Square, are so enthusiastic. One neighbour Sheila Sparrow who does not want to be identified said:
‘My life is a living hell and having these weirdos in my back garden doesn’t help. The park is attracting drug dealers and I’ve even seen that Pastor Sandy and his sister from 7’s Nightclub wandering around with cans of hot soup, it’s a disgrace. I’d call the police but there aren’t any left in Burntwood these days.’
Publicity shy local County Councillor Sue Norman commented:
‘Youngsters need better facilities in the town. This is a reaction to the county council closing down the youth centres.
‘I’m going to start a petition.’
Mike Lawrence Cabinet Member for Children and Community Safety said
‘It is disappointing that a small group of individuals seem determined to vandalise their new homes and ruin it for all the other young people who will be destitute on the streets when we finalise the closure of Burntwood in 2016.’