Month: June 2014

Lichfield and Burntwood residents must pay to see their local MP

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Burntwood residents will get a rare opportunity to meet their local MP at a specially arranged ‘An Evening with Michael Fabricant’ at the Lichfield Garrick on Friday 27 June at 8.00pm.

Stung into action by the remarks of Labour Group leader ‘Butcher of Burntwood’ Councillor Norman Stephen and celebrity granny Councillor Sue Woodwind, Mr Fabricant has organised a gala surgery for the disenfranchised from beyond the Wall.

The MP commented:

‘Traditional MP’s surgeries deal with the moans and the groans of the frankly rather tedious, ‘Fix My Street’ types who have nothing better to fill their dreary lives with than complaining about the Austerity Project and dog shit.

‘This week at the Garrick my constituents get the fabulous chance to listen to me talk for over 90 minutes about my radical campaigning for self-promotion. Much more entertaining I’m sure you’ll all agree.’

The throbbing member will charge £8.50 per ticket to attend this prestigious event. Mr Fabricant continued:

‘I have no liking for local surgeries of any kind, as everyone with health issues in Burntwood will testify. But charging £8.50 for a ticket will ensure that only the truly deluded will attend.

‘If successful I’ll propose this as a template for appointments to see your local GP, if you can find one. It’ll discourage the time-wasters and of course, the poor and sick.’

Originally aimed at his sycophantic twitterers, the local member will choose the records he would take on a desert island in a show based on Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs

Mr Fabricant is expected to enter stage left to “Rocky’s Theme” and his fans will be disappointed if the Stephen Sondheim classic, “Send in the Clowns” doesn’t feature.

Somewhere in the show the select audience can expect to hear “Talk to the Animals”,an old Rex Harrison number, with a special guest appearance by the ‘Cougar and Dark’s Circus’ Push Me Pull You. The two-faced creature is credited with inspiring  Mr Fabricant’s political stance on most local issues and his unnatural interest in llamas.


Playing Kirsty Young (presenter of BBC Radio 4’s ‘Desert Island Discs’) will be local Conservative Party chairman Jonathan Hall:

‘I’ve enjoyed playing Kirsty Young for many years, my wife is very supportive provided that I don’t go to church dressed like that.’

‘At the end of the show, Michael will take questions. If they are on any serious topics to which he takes exception there could be hilarious consequences,’ joked Mr Hall.

‘Expect a brain haemorrhage or a thump in the throat at the very least,’ he quipped.

Mr Fabricant promised:

‘The evening should be a lot of fun and for each mug that buys a £8.50 ticket  I promise to donate absolutely nothing to a local charity. It’ll sell out fast,” said the MP, desperately trying to fill the remaining third of the small auditorium with just days to go.

‘This will be a first for the Lichfield Garrick, a disastrous political stunt, but that’s nothing new for me,’ added Micky.

No.10 is keeping a low profile on the event but when asked PM David Cameron said:

‘The idiot is a complete embarrassment and I urge all the good citizens of Lichfield and Burntwood to vote for the local Labour lost boy Chris Whoishey if you can find him.’

Anyone who prefers not to mix with the common folk in the cheap seats can always opt for the more prestigious House of Commons Dinner earlier in the week. For a modest £100 per ticket you can join local Tory Boys from Lichfield Round Table at the exclusive event in Westminster.


Diminutive Rounder Dicky Ladman commented :

‘There are still tickets available, I’ll be leaving Lichfield straight after my tanning session on Wednesday afternoon and anyone who needs a lift is welcome to join me in my fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero.’

Rumours abound that the event may be cancelled due to lack of interest.

Anyone who would like to attend either event is advised to book early to ensure disappointment. However it may not be suitable for opinionated Muslim women unless of course they are shopkeepers or nannies.