France

Migrant traffickers awarded government Brexit ferry contract

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An Iranian based start up company has been awarded a lucrative Brexit ferry contract to cover the contingency of a No Deal exit from the EU on 29 March .

ShahBourne Freight Limited was incorporated at Companies House on 31 December 2018 with £1 paid-up share capital and with an Iranian swimmer and a Scouser disclosed as persons with significant control.

Transport Minister Chris Grayling announced the £14m contract whilst everyone was pissed on Christmas Eve. But he makes no apologies, he said:

‘I make no apologises, though I had hoped that no one would notice.

‘Despite the fact that the company was not formed until a week after we gave them the cash and that they have no published accounts or business plan, it is only right in this time of national crisis that we support British based start-up companies with no track record, even before they actually start up.

‘My department’s due diligence team has assured me that these are the people for the job. These entrepreneurs have been active in profitably ferrying “product” into the U.K. for a number of years, often in unseaworthy vessels far smaller than the ships that hope that they will be able to source by the end of March, or early July at the latest, or possibly September.

‘As a backup if ShahBourne Freight go under we can always call on the Royal Navy, they’ve got nothing else to do anyway’

ShahBourne director Mohammad Shah, 13, has been in the import-import business for over fifteen years, he said:

‘With the £14m contract from the Conservative party we hope to be able to provide some inflatable life jackets and provide pre-flight drinks for our customers in Calais. I trust that the French authorities will continue their support in getting our customers into British territorial waters as quickly as possible.’

Some cynical MPs suspect that the government may be using the incompetent Grayling and his ludicrous plans to terrorise them into voting for the PM’s Brexit Deal next week in the interests of public safety.

Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:

‘San Diego’s nice at this time of year isn’t it.’

Ed: What has this all got to do with Lichfield?!

FS: Nothing, but it’s never stopped the Lichfield Mercury.

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