Lichfield residents have been advised to set fire to their own homes well before 8pm if they are hoping for a response from Lichfield’s firefighters. Lichfield Fire Station manager Damian “Stretch” Armstrong said:
‘Lichfield Community Fire Station & Crèche is staffed throughout the day between 8am and 8pm. Any emergency calls outside of those hours may be covered by on-call firefighters from somewhere else in Staffordshire. So if you’re planning to torch the house or cause a major RTA for goodness sake do so well before 8pm.
‘Oh and try to avoid weekends and public holidays. And any particularly cold or wet days. Or any time during school holidays or major sporting events for that matter.’
Concern about lack of adequate cover for Lichfield has been highlighted by a delay of almost half an hour by fire crews responding to a 10.21pm alarm at David Garrick Gardens retirement homes. Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service said the nearest available crews were at a Christmas party in Rugeley at the time.
Local MP Michael Fabricant is not impressed, he said:
‘With any local issue my first question is “What does this mean to me?” Well my grace and favour luxury chambers in Cathedral Close are particularly vulnerable to fire, so I wrote to my office, made an appointment and raised my concerns with myself.
‘I have deep misgivings that the totally inadequate fire cover in Lichfield is entirely due to management incompetence and nothing whatsoever to do with my Government’s £5 million funding cuts.’
The Conservative Police & Crime Commissioner, Matthew Ellis agrees, he commented:
‘I should take control of the Fire service management as I’m looking to considerably enhance my already enormous salary. I’ve heard many people say “Fire Police & Crime Commissioner” in support of my proposal. I think that’s what they mean anyway.’
David Garrick Gardens resident Steve Applecox, 75, confessed that he had caused the fire scare, he explained:
‘I’d been drinking in the Dr Johnson pub since 5pm celebrating a goal by Lichfield FC. I staggered home about 10pm and fired up the deep fat fryer. Next thing I know the kitchen is alight and the alarm is blaring out, woke me up it did. And the lazy bastards didn’t turn up for half an hour.
‘I’ll be sure to get home pissed well before 8pm next weekend.’
Anyone wishing to organise an event at Lichfield Community Fire Station & Crèche should call 01785 898040
Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.
The MP said:
‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.
‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’
Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:
‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.
‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’
‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’
Mr Fabricant responded:
‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.
‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’
FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant has taken to wearing a blindfold when out in public in order to reduce any possible contact with his constituents
Mr Fabricant has had a hearing problem for many years, turning a deaf ear to any local issues that do not interest him. In a candid interview with 5SL the MP said:
‘Unless something is likely to impact on my travel arrangements to London, or there is an opportunity to take credit for the successful outcome for a campaign that I have not been involved with, or I can promote of the activities of the West Midlands mayor; then quite frankly I’m not interested.
‘One of the major drawbacks of returning to LichVegas is that my taxpayer-funded long weekends are often disrupted by constituents coming up to me in cafe Nero asking me to do my job.
‘Look, I’ve sorted out Burntwood health centre, I’ve saved the MIU at Samuel Johnson hospital, I’ve secured M&S as anchor tenant for Friarsgate and I will shortly be announcing how I single handedly obtained funding for the Lichfield Southern Bypass. What more do you want?
‘All I ask is that I be allowed to walk unmolested from my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close in search of a skinny latte. If the only way to do that is to remove my hearing aid and wear a blindfold when out in public, then so be it.’
Local plumber and Labour activist Paul Mycock is unimpressed, he said:
‘I’m unimpressed. If it isn’t bad enough that he has no interest in his constituents, he adds insult to injury by doing a very poor impersonation of David Bowie’s Lazarus.
‘Talk about raising the dead, he’ll need to start practicing the art of necromancy just to keep his majority with the average age of Lichfield Conservative voters now topping 98.’
Any constituents who have been unable to contact their MP will be able to see him by tuning in to Celebrity First Date on Channel 4 on Thursday 2 November at 10pm.
A record number of racists are expected to gather in Beacon Park for Proms in the Park on Saturday (September 2) evening. Organisers are confident that there will be a good turnout for Lichfield District Council’s free outdoor rally.
The City of Lichfield Concert Band will play popular music from 5.30pm, warming up the elderly white middle class crowd as they settle down for an alcohol-fuelled evening of benign xenophobia. The band will perform numbers from the movies including favourites from The Dam Busters, Lawrence of Arabia, The Battle of Britain and Bridge over the River Kwai.
War veteran and BSARA chairman Sidney Sprite, 109, is too infirm to attend the event this year, he said:
‘I can’t come along but will be listening through the open windows of my drawing room whilst the new Mrs Sprite, 35, unfurls Jack up the flagpole in our garden.’
The main concert will feature the British Police Symphony Orchestra and classically trained singers performing a varied musical pogrom from 7.30pm.
Local MP Michael Fabricant is unable to attend the event this year due to global holiday commitments, he commented:
‘I really enjoy the casual jingoism of the Lichfield Proms. Although I can’t listen to that much Wagner, I keep getting the urge to invade Poundland.’
London Midland has confirmed that the incoming Cross City train service will not be stopping at Aston or Erdington from 10am on Saturday. Police Inspector Paul Mycock welcomed the decision, he commented:
‘All are welcome to attend this free event but the Erdington Defense League are not really the sort of racists that we encourage to visit the City.’
Inspector Mycock went on to defend his force’s decision not to kit out its officers in nationalistic paraphernalia nor to drive around in a Union flag liveried patrol car to support the popular white middle class event. He said:
‘That would be a ridiculous waste of valuable police resources and totally undermine the impartiality and professionalism of the force. Whoever would seriously think that would be a good idea?’
Lichfield Women’s Institute chair Mrs Crystal Knight is a Proms regular, she said:
‘I’ve been coming here with my wealthy insurance-funded widowed lady friends for years. We sing along to to those lovely xenophobic anthems whilst waving our flags and holding our flaming torches aloft.
‘But what we’re really looking forward to this year is the Wicker Man burning to accompany the firework finale. Colonel Knight would have approved.’
Lichfield District Council Planning Committee has approved plans this evening (21 August) for a new shopping trolley bay in the middle of the bus station car park.
Local supermarket shopper Pawelek Mycock welcomed the decision, he said:
‘I welcome the decision, many a time I have had to struggle down from Tesco to catch the bus with half a dozen carrier bags stuffed with discounted loaves on a Sunday afternoon. I’ll be able to take a trolley now and park it in the new bay. It’ll work great with bags full of rancid fruit and vege on the night as well.’
The planning application was submitted by Friarsgate virtual developer U+I Group, its deputy CEO and Leader of Lichfield District Council Richard Upton commented:
‘We could see an immediate need to support the local community and provide a safe drop off point for stolen supermarket trollies where your Erdington grooming gangs could deposit unconscious Lichfield girls before catching the train home.
‘Anyone who suggests that this planning application is a cynical move to give the impression that we are pressing ahead with our development plans is mistaken. We already did that when we closed Tempest Ford, threw 24 workers out of a job prematurely and created a derelict site at the City gateway.
‘And just to be on the safe side we’ve submitted another application to move around some parking spaces.’
Friarsgate Shopping Center is expected to open to the public in Spring 2030.
Former Burntwood Town Council leader Cllr Richard Mosson has admitted that it was probably a mistake for the Council to commit local taxpayers to a property development vanity project.
The Council offices moved from it’s convenient cost-effective location at Burntwood library to the Old Mining College Centre in 2015. Cllr Mosson said:
‘It was a great opportunity, what could possibly go wrong, signing up to a 35 year full repairing lease of a dilapidated building?’
A meeting of the Town Council’s policy and resources committee last week to considered plans to address the state of the building, including replacement of wooden framed sash windows at a cost of £20,000 and the relaying of floors. The total cost of repairs and refurbishments is currently estimated at over £55,000.
Paul Mycock, an officer in Lichfield District Council’s Legal, Property and Democratic Services department did not want to be identified. He said:
‘I can barely contain myself,’ he laughed, ‘even with the District Council’s resources and proven track record in successful property development projects, we could never make the Old Mining College commercially viable. But we were saddled with a 35 year full repairing lease from the landlord, Staffordshire County Council. We told them we wanted to surrender the lease and they said “fcuk off”.
‘Thinking that maybe they had been a little harsh, the CC came back to us to say that they would take a surrender but only if we could find some other mug to take it on on the same debilitating terms.
‘There was a knock on the door and who should be there but former Burntwood Town Councillor Steve Norman. And the rest, as they say, is history.’
The Town Council meeting considered various solutions to the dilemma. Cllr Sue Woodward suggested approaching the producers of DIY SOS or the Restoration Project. Unelected leader of the Council “Cllr” Norman Baker responded:
‘Don’t be so ridiculous Sue, after all it was you and your husband that got us into this mess. No, what I propose is that we spent £5,000 on flowers and a new lawn and introduce a mini crazy golf course. And we should invest in photo’s of Town Council Chairmen past and present to adorn the stairway and the charge local taxpayers who want to view. We could announce these innovative plans on a new £1,000 message board.
‘Sorted. Now where’s my cab? Has anyone seen Brian? The old fool.’
Richard Upton, Deputy CEO of Friarsgate developer U+I Group, has confirmed that he will be taking up the post of Leader of the Council effective from 1 August 2017. Mr Upton said:
‘I am delighted to accept my generous demand of the Council and I’m looking forward to taking up my new post on 1 August. I will be continuing in my role as Deputy CEO of U+I as I understand that the position of Leader traditionally entails the expenditure of very little time, talent or effort.’
Outgoing Leader Cllr Mike Wiltcox commented:
‘I am delighted that Richard has decided to accept his offer to sack me as Leader, although I will continue to fulfill my role as Conservative councillor for Fradley as this also entails the expenditure of very little time, talent or effort.’
Richard Dicking, Lichfield’s strategic director of democratic, development and legal added:
‘Mr Upton has appointed the best man for the job. This will complete U+I’s takeover of all Council business and ensure the smooth running of the Cabinet and all Committees. We will no longer have to waste time submitting Council meeting Agendas to U+I’s “Commercial Sensitivity and Financial Viability Committee” for prior approval. Richard Upton will exercise delegated powers from U+I to control all aspects of Lichfield business.’
There has been increasing disquiet at the number of occasions where the public has been excluded from parts of Council meetings on the grounds of “commercial sensitivity”. Commentators have been left wondering what can possibly be commercially sensitive about Council car parking charges or the location of the Tourist Information office.
Mr Upton said:
‘I can’t comment on individual agenda items that have been discussed in secret, other than to say that they related to commercially sensitive matters for U+I that could affect the financial viability of U+I.
‘However I will be addressing these concerns directly as soon as I take office.
‘In future there will be no prior publication of Agendas or briefing notes, all Council meetings will be held in secret and no minutes will be kept. Now fuck off out of my office.’
LibDem Cllr Paul Ray welcomed the announcement, he said:
‘If all Council business is conducted in camera, as we lawyers like to say, that’ll give me the perfect excuse not to attend any meetings. No change there then at least.’
Five Spires Live has not bothered to contact anyone for comment.