A spike in recorded greenhouse gas emissions in Lichfield has been attributed to an increase in beery farts in Beerbohm on Tamworth Road during the recent heatwave. The bespoke bar, specialising in craft and continental ales, is frequented predominantly by MPs and bearded obese men with relationship issues.
The popular hostelry was opened in 2015 by Wendy and that bloke she married, she said:
‘Running a craft ale house carries an inherent risk of attack from climate change activists. Admittedly the build-up of greenhouse gases expelled by our crusty-arsed beery farting customers doesn’t help our environmental credentials.
‘But we have tried to mitigate the climate impact of as far as possible – promoting salty seaweed crisps, installing an improved manure collection system and keeping the windows closed in all but the hottest weather.’
Disgraced former Friary School swimming teacher Paul Mycock is a regular, he said:
‘I’m a regular. I retired from teaching in 2009, although for some reason I’m still on the register.
‘I’ve been an admirer of Wendy for many years, following her from Derby, to Stoke and then on to the Duke of York. And, sometimes, I’ve even followed her home.
‘I’m here most days, eating my Greggs meal deal, washed down with three pints of Vedett IPA – a refreshing, hoppy and complex beer with fruity, floral and green aromas underpinned by citrusy flavours, with a mild bitter taste and a long, dry finish.
‘As you can probably smell….Excuse me…’
The bar takes its name from Henry Maximilian Beerbohm who was born in London in 1876. He was an essayist, parodist and caricaturist but really first became known as a drunken misogynist in the 1890’s. Oscar Wilde said of him “The gods have bestowed on Max the gift of perpetual flatulence.” A theme embraced by the regulars of the eponymous bar to this day.
The bar has proven popular with local celebrity and former MP Michael Fabricant, a regular crafty imbiber of Barbar Blonde and Chimay Blue. Wendy said:
‘A guy came in the other evening, he asked “Do you serve Old Peculiar?”, quick as a flash I quipped, “Yes, Mike’s sitting upstairs.”
Wendy is here all week, except for Sundays and Bank Holiday Mondays. She doesn’t like making too much money. Which is just as well as tariffs on the import of continental beers post-Brexit will probably force the bar to close. Cheers Mike!
Lichfield member Michael Fabricant claims that his mobile phone “must have been hacked by sinister forces” as he fails to receive a call from new PM Boris Johnson offering him a high level cabinet position.
Speaking via a clear line on his phone from outside the former Friary Grange Leisure Centre, Mr Fabricant said:
‘I’d arranged to meet a local developer this evening to discuss alternative uses for this derelict pool but I’d left clear contact details with no.10.
‘I have made and received numerous calls today congratulating me on my invaluable sycophancy in securing Boris’s success. But not a thing from Team Boris, there can be only one explanation – a Russian sponsored hack of my phone to intercept vital communications with no.10.
‘I recognise the hand of Putin in this – have I ever mentioned that I was an imaginary agent for MI6 when I was an imaginary entrepreneur selling dodgy radios in the Soviet Union in the 70’s?’
A spokesman for No.10 said:
‘We can confirm that we have made no attempt to contact Mr Fabricant today or any other day. In fact we have a note from a Grant Shapps from years ago saying “Do not resuscitate his career, Fabricant is a buffoon and a fantasist.”
Theresa May was too drunk to comment.
Plans for a luxury aqua park complex in the centre of Lichfield have emerged following the announcement that Friary Grange Leisure Centre is to close in April 2020.
Unicorn and Imaginary (U+I Group plc), the development partner behind the defunct Friarsgate project, have released plans for the new swimming pool facility to be located on the current B&M Bird Street car park.
Provisionally called Friary Minster PoolWorld, the scheme has been welcomed by local residents who will be affected by the closure of the Friary Grange pool next year.
Dimbles bather Paul Mycock said:
‘It’s great news that this imaginary water world will soon be within walking distance of ‘spoons. I was expecting to have to take the kids to Stowe Pool for a bath next summer, but it does get a bit crowded in there in the hot weather. And it’s not very convenient for the air ambulance.’
U+I director and former District Council leader Rich Richman commented:
‘We welcome the opportunity to partner Lichfield District Council again in another flagship development in the city. Our shareholders were delighted with the risk-free profits generated by our involvement with Friarsgate.
‘The decision to turn Friarsgate into a car park and to redevelop the former B&M store and car park will be announced by the Council in September followed by a public consultation in November.’
B&M merchandise display organiser Brittney Singleton,19, has mixed feelings, she said:
‘I have mixed feelings. I’ll love to spend an afternoon with my five kids on the water slides but I will lose my job when the store closes. I’ve been offered a position at the brand new store on Eastern Avenue but the commute from Netherstowe three days a week would kill me.’
B&M spokesman Simon Aurora insisted that the Market Street store will not be closing despite the launch of the new store, he said:
‘The Market Street store is not closing.
‘Well not until Lichfield District Council increases its offer for our lease. That will be announced in September.’
Lichfield David Lloyd members actively support the petition to keep Friary Grange Leisure centre open
Following local media reports that Lichfield District Council has decided to close the Friary Grange Leisure Centre from April 2020, social media users have reacted with fury. David Lloyd Lichfield Health and Racquet club members have come out in full support of the online petition to keep the centre open to the general public.
David Lloyd member Paul Mycock was one of the first to sign up, he said:
‘I was one of the first members to sign up to the plebiscite, closing Friary Grange will be a disaster for the general health and well-being of our members.’ Vigorously towelling-off his genitalia in the changing rooms, he added:
‘Imagine the number of Dimbles internees who will apply for the concessionary three-month introductory package at David Lloyd next summer if they can’t take a bath in the Friary Grange Pool. The members-only club will be ruined. I commend this petition to the membership.’
Objections to the proposed closure were equally vociferous in other parts of the City. Fradley mother of three under two-year-olds, Myfanwy Hertz is “gobsmacked”, she commented:
‘I am gobsmacked. I can’t believe that the swimming pool where I learnt to swim as a child ten years ago is closing down, it’s a disgrace. I’ve never been back there since mind you, but that’s not the point. Its part of our history. And what about Friarsgate and Tempest Ford and all the housing around the Saxon Penny and the canal restoration and the plight of elephants in Asia. The world’s gone raving mad.
‘Did I miss anything? Let me check on the comments section of Lichfield Live and get back to you.’
Local politicians have been more restrained in their reactions.
Local Lib-Dem councillor for the Ward in which Friary Grange is situated, Cllr Paul X-Ray said:
‘Thank you for drawing this to my attention, being absent from most council meetings I am often late to the party unless prompted by social media.’
Concerned Lichfield (and Burntwood) MP Michael Fabricant commented:
‘Not my monkey, not my circus,’ he said, appealing to the local Polish electorate. ‘I never go swimming, for obvious reason, so I have no interest in the closure of the Leisure Centre. But as there is a general election coming I am an active supported of the Abbots Bromley Horn Dancers and commend their commemorative stamps set to the House.’
Recently appointed Conservative Lichfield District Council leader Cllr Red Doug-Pullem has announced that he would like to see £2.4m spent on a new leisure centre rather than patching up Friary Grange. He added:
‘It wasn’t me.’
Cllr Mike Chuckle was unavailable for comment.
Cllr Doug-Pullem’s honeymoon period is due to end in September.
Crematoria throughout the UK are preparing contingency plans to cope with an expected increased body count in the event of the UK delaying its exit from the EU beyond 29 March.
Paul Mycock is the operations manager of Lichfield & District Crematorium, he said: ‘We have been receiving reports from our suppliers in the Nearly Dead industry that the sick and elderly are so depressed by reports that Brexit may be delayed that they are giving up their tenuous hold on life. The old folks are just letting go. Good news for my productivity bonus though.’
Sundowner Nursing Home resident Myfanwy Hertz, 103, is on the Nearly Dead pathway, she commented: ‘I had planned to hold on until Wimbledon but if Article 50 is extended or revoked then I’m just going to end it here and now. I can’t stomach months of endless Brexit news and Andy Murray crying.
‘I have taken out a “Buy Now Die Later” plan with my lovely funeral director. I get a special discount if I kick it in the summer months, but it’s really not worth the wait. I voted Leave and now I’m off!’
The startling statistics have given a new impetus to the Remain camp who are hopeful that the Tory chaos will result in a second referendum. Remain MP Anna Soubry said: ‘If all the elderly Leavers top themselves over the next few weeks then that could swing a new vote in our favour. Now fuck off out of my face you Nazi.’
An Iranian based start up company has been awarded a lucrative Brexit ferry contract to cover the contingency of a No Deal exit from the EU on 29 March .
ShahBourne Freight Limited was incorporated at Companies House on 31 December 2018 with £1 paid-up share capital and with an Iranian swimmer and a Scouser disclosed as persons with significant control.
Transport Minister Chris Grayling announced the £14m contract whilst everyone was pissed on Christmas Eve. But he makes no apologies, he said:
‘I make no apologises, though I had hoped that no one would notice.
‘Despite the fact that the company was not formed until a week after we gave them the cash and that they have no published accounts or business plan, it is only right in this time of national crisis that we support British based start-up companies with no track record, even before they actually start up.
‘My department’s due diligence team has assured me that these are the people for the job. These entrepreneurs have been active in profitably ferrying “product” into the U.K. for a number of years, often in unseaworthy vessels far smaller than the ships that hope that they will be able to source by the end of March, or early July at the latest, or possibly September.
‘As a backup if ShahBourne Freight go under we can always call on the Royal Navy, they’ve got nothing else to do anyway’
ShahBourne director Mohammad Shah, 13, has been in the import-import business for over fifteen years, he said:
‘With the £14m contract from the Conservative party we hope to be able to provide some inflatable life jackets and provide pre-flight drinks for our customers in Calais. I trust that the French authorities will continue their support in getting our customers into British territorial waters as quickly as possible.’
Some cynical MPs suspect that the government may be using the incompetent Grayling and his ludicrous plans to terrorise them into voting for the PM’s Brexit Deal next week in the interests of public safety.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:
‘San Diego’s nice at this time of year isn’t it.’
Ed: What has this all got to do with Lichfield?!
FS: Nothing, but it’s never stopped the Lichfield Mercury.
Following Prime Minister Theresa May’s drive to garner support for her defunct Brexit Withdrawal Agreement by bestowing honours on potential supporters, Lichfield voters are petitioning for their MP to be made a Lord as soon as possible.
Burntwood health service worker Paul Mycock started the movement, he explained:
‘After the death this week of Conservative peer Baroness Trumpton and the knighthood of Tamworth MP Christopher “Bottom” Pincher, I conceived a plan that would rid us of our truculent member, a plan that his ego would find irresistible.
‘If we could persuade the PM offer him a peerage in return for his vote Fabricant would be unable to resist then he’d have to resign as our MP. Result. What a win win solution for all concerned.’
Not everyone is so enthusiastic about the premature ejaculation of Mr Fabricant into the upper echelons of British society. Long-time friend Andy Street is West Midlands Mayor. He said:
‘The plan was that when my term as Mayor ends in 2020, it would be general election time under the fixed term Parliament. Mike would retire and I would stand as candidate for Lichfield MP. Well, that was the plan, who knows when the next election will be now thanks to the incompetence of Mrs May.
‘But one thing’s for sure, if Mike becomes a Lord in the next few months I’m out of the game.
‘And that’s a shame, I’ve had my eye on Mike’s seat for years.’
Mr Fabricant was unavailable for comment as we went to press as he was trapped in a lift by Conservative Whips in a dummy run for 11 December.