Month: May 2014

Lichfield MP’s appearance in Burntwood blamed on GPS malfunction

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BURNTWOOD residents were astonished to find their local Member of Parliament, Michael Fabricant, was in their town this week.

Local hair technician Britney Singleton commented:

‘We was pushing the babbies back home from the “Sue Woodward Memorial Swing Theme Park” when I spotted an elderly gentleman with a blonde hair enhancement staggering down the street in a confused state. It was almost eleven o’clock in the morning so I naturally assumed that he was pissed.’

Britney’s mum Pauline was with her at the time. The 35 year-old mother of five said:

‘I couldn’t believe my eyes. Britney is too young to remember, but there in front of my very eyes was the fabled Member.  In all the years since he was elected in 1992 we’ve hoped and prayed that there would be visitation by the mythical Fabricunt to lend his support to our local struggles and deliver us from this socialist tyranny. And there he was in the flesh – a real disappointment to be honest.’

Burntwood pharmacist Sukhwinder Singh said:

‘We get many mentally challenged locals in here every day. And frankly, to most of them I have to say – sorry I cant help you, try Bargain Booze down the road, it’s the shop with the boarded up windows following an attack by drunks.

‘But, although I tend to the needs of these badlands, I actually I live within the Wall and I’m hoping one day to be allowed into the Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS). I recognised the clown instantly. My assistant took him into the back of the shop whilst I secured the entrance. They were baying like wolves at the door for a sight of the legendary Fabricunt, saviour of the East.’

Mr Singh’s assistant, Pam Larlor continued:

‘Fabricuntio was  clearly confused and disoriented when he came into the shop. He said that he’d  been on his way to a college reunion in Oxford, when I know for a fact that he got a Desmond in Running and Jumping from the University of Laughborough.’

Mrs Larlor added:

‘He was rambling on about being a high-ranking member of the Conservative Party and having an urgent appointment with the PM at Chequers to discuss his proposed response to recent UKIP advances.

‘I’m stupid and have no idea what he was talking about but he clearly needed medical attention. If only he had lobbied for that new Burntwood medical centre we were promised. As it was Mr Singh just drove him back to the Cathedral City on his way home.’

Mr Singh explained:

‘As we approached the City and the spires of the Cathedral came into view Mr Fabricunt’s condition improved markedly. By the time I’d shown my passport and driven beyond the Wall he was back to his old self, tweeting knob gags on his phone before skipping off in the direction of the Close.’

Any residents of Burntwood who would like to see their local MP again before the 2015 General Election are advised to be prepared for a disappointment.




Lichfield City Councillors dress up for a political party

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CIVIC guests and dignitaries gathered at the Guildhall on Monday evening for Lichfield City Council’s annual meeting, at which the City’s new chief chain-wearers and ribbon-cutters were elected and installed in traditional fancy dress.

The new Mayor is Mrs Nora Bacon.

Nora is an advisor to local firm Packington Pork and represents the Curborough ward which comprises a collection of fields and a crap craft centre.

She is no stranger to eating and drinking, talking to groups of dullards and smiling scarily at the camera – she has previously been Mayor in 2005, and Sheriff in 2008.

Nora is a member of Lichfield District Council.

Her husband, Brian, will be the Mayor’s “Denis”. Brian is a part-time taxi driver from Burntwood.

Brian is a member of Lichfield District Council

The new Deputy Mayor is Andy Smith, a popular children’s entertainer and an expert on the X-Box.

Andy is a member of Lichfield District Council. He is responsible for cleaning streets and the public toilets.

His wife, Sallyanne, will be the Deputy Mayor’s Lady and hopes to become a member of Lichfield District Council when she leaves school.

Completing the civic team is Bob Awty, last year’s Mayor, who now becomes Sheriff of the City. Best known for his role as Dr Legg in EastEnders, he was born and bred in Lichfield

Bob is a member of Lichfield District Council.

His wife, Eileen, will be the Sheriff’s Lady and is eagerly awaiting this year’s Sheriff’s Ride.

The evening concluded with the Mayor’s Banquet, at which the Very Reverend John Philip, gave a toast to Richard Dawkins.

Anyone who would like to find out more about Lichfield City Council and then question why it still exists when most of its functions and staff could be absorbed by the District Council, should contact City Council Leader Terry Finn at Staffordshire County Council.



Lichfield residents wholeheartedly support rise in councillors’ allowances

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THE DECISION by Lichfield District Councillors to vote themselves an increase in their allowances has been met with universal approval by Lichfield and Burntwood council tax payers.

Council director Rich Dicking explained:

‘Councillors voted to increase the basic member allowance by one per cent to bring them more in line with other politically naive local representatives in the area.’

Dimbles mum-of-five Ashley Crouch, on her return from the Emmanuel Christian Centre food bank in Netherstowe, said:

‘It’s only fair that our local councillors should get an increase in their allowances, afterall it’s so hard to make ends meet these days. We are getting a 1.99% increase in our council tax this year, so  yes, why not give half to the district councillors, to be honest, they deserve it.

‘And do you know what, if that council tax increase had been 0.01 per cent higher they would have been forced to hold  a local referendum. Now I’ve got five kids by six different fathers to bring up, I don’t have time for no frigging referendum.’

Local cabbie Gurjit Chahal agreed ;

‘When I heard that the Independent Remuneration Panel, set up by the District Council its very self, had recommended that our hard-working members should forgo any rise because of continuing constraints on public expenditure in general and district council financial stringency in particular, well I can tell you, I was fucking annoyed.

‘Who do they think they are, these so-called Independent Remuneration panelists, telling our hard-working members to forgo any increase in their meagre life-sustaining allowances. Bastards, I don’t remember voting for any of you!’

Panel chairman Mr Ringam commented:

‘I only ever wanted  a quiet life after retirement, I knew that a freeze on councillors allowances would be a very unpopular with the rate payers. We all know how hard-working all the councillors are, many of them actually attend meetings and some even read the agenda documents before hand. And that number will rise as their reading lessons progress.’

Council director Mr Dicking, displaying no sign of his vigorously pursued voluntary redundancy application explained:

‘In real terms this increase represents a mere £30 a year more for each councillor.’

Local naturalist Bill Oddly campaigns for endangered species and is fully behind the increase, he said:

‘For just £3 per month you could save a financially distressed councillor. A gift of just £3 per month- that’s just 10p a day- could make such a vital difference. For every £1 donated £1 goes directly into a councillor’s pocket.’

So incensed by the IRP’s recommendation is local Big Issue seller Pete ‘Big Gob’ Biggins that he has pledged to discard his magazines and collect full time for disadvantaged hard-working councillors. His mate Paul from The Malt commented:

‘Pete was incensed when he heard about the IRP’s decision, he stormed in here, emptied his days takings of £500 in coins on the bar as usual, picked up a wad of notes in exchange and sped off in his BMW 5 Series without a word.’


Anyone who wishes to read the inflammatory report can do so here