Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.
The MP said:
‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.
‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’
Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:
‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.
‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’
‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’
Mr Fabricant responded:
‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.
‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’
FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant has taken to wearing a blindfold when out in public in order to reduce any possible contact with his constituents
Mr Fabricant has had a hearing problem for many years, turning a deaf ear to any local issues that do not interest him. In a candid interview with 5SL the MP said:
‘Unless something is likely to impact on my travel arrangements to London, or there is an opportunity to take credit for the successful outcome for a campaign that I have not been involved with, or I can promote of the activities of the West Midlands mayor; then quite frankly I’m not interested.
‘One of the major drawbacks of returning to LichVegas is that my taxpayer-funded long weekends are often disrupted by constituents coming up to me in cafe Nero asking me to do my job.
‘Look, I’ve sorted out Burntwood health centre, I’ve saved the MIU at Samuel Johnson hospital, I’ve secured M&S as anchor tenant for Friarsgate and I will shortly be announcing how I single handedly obtained funding for the Lichfield Southern Bypass. What more do you want?
‘All I ask is that I be allowed to walk unmolested from my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close in search of a skinny latte. If the only way to do that is to remove my hearing aid and wear a blindfold when out in public, then so be it.’
Local plumber and Labour activist Paul Mycock is unimpressed, he said:
‘I’m unimpressed. If it isn’t bad enough that he has no interest in his constituents, he adds insult to injury by doing a very poor impersonation of David Bowie’s Lazarus.
‘Talk about raising the dead, he’ll need to start practicing the art of necromancy just to keep his majority with the average age of Lichfield Conservative voters now topping 98.’
Any constituents who have been unable to contact their MP will be able to see him by tuning in to Celebrity First Date on Channel 4 on Thursday 2 November at 10pm.
Local supermarket shopper Pawelek Mycock welcomed the decision, he said:
‘I welcome the decision, many a time I have had to struggle down from Tesco to catch the bus with half a dozen carrier bags stuffed with discounted loaves on a Sunday afternoon. I’ll be able to take a trolley now and park it in the new bay. It’ll work great with bags full of rancid fruit and vege on the night as well.’
The planning application was submitted by Friarsgate virtual developer U+I Group, its deputy CEO and Leader of Lichfield District Council Richard Upton commented:
‘We could see an immediate need to support the local community and provide a safe drop off point for stolen supermarket trollies where your Erdington grooming gangs could deposit unconscious Lichfield girls before catching the train home.
‘Anyone who suggests that this planning application is a cynical move to give the impression that we are pressing ahead with our development plans is mistaken. We already did that when we closed Tempest Ford, threw 24 workers out of a job prematurely and created a derelict site at the City gateway.
‘And just to be on the safe side we’ve submitted another application to move around some parking spaces.’
Friarsgate Shopping Center is expected to open to the public in Spring 2030.
Burntwood Town Council’s foray into amateur property development “probably a mistake” admits councillor
Former Burntwood Town Council leader Cllr Richard Mosson has admitted that it was probably a mistake for the Council to commit local taxpayers to a property development vanity project.
The Council offices moved from it’s convenient cost-effective location at Burntwood library to the Old Mining College Centre in 2015. Cllr Mosson said:
‘It was a great opportunity, what could possibly go wrong, signing up to a 35 year full repairing lease of a dilapidated building?’
A meeting of the Town Council’s policy and resources committee last week to considered plans to address the state of the building, including replacement of wooden framed sash windows at a cost of £20,000 and the relaying of floors. The total cost of repairs and refurbishments is currently estimated at over £55,000.
Paul Mycock, an officer in Lichfield District Council’s Legal, Property and Democratic Services department did not want to be identified. He said:
‘I can barely contain myself,’ he laughed, ‘even with the District Council’s resources and proven track record in successful property development projects, we could never make the Old Mining College commercially viable. But we were saddled with a 35 year full repairing lease from the landlord, Staffordshire County Council. We told them we wanted to surrender the lease and they said “fcuk off”.
‘Thinking that maybe they had been a little harsh, the CC came back to us to say that they would take a surrender but only if we could find some other mug to take it on on the same debilitating terms.
‘There was a knock on the door and who should be there but former Burntwood Town Councillor Steve Norman. And the rest, as they say, is history.’
The Town Council meeting considered various solutions to the dilemma. Cllr Sue Woodward suggested approaching the producers of DIY SOS or the Restoration Project. Unelected leader of the Council “Cllr” Norman Baker responded:
‘Don’t be so ridiculous Sue, after all it was you and your husband that got us into this mess. No, what I propose is that we spent £5,000 on flowers and a new lawn and introduce a mini crazy golf course. And we should invest in photo’s of Town Council Chairmen past and present to adorn the stairway and the charge local taxpayers who want to view. We could announce these innovative plans on a new £1,000 message board.
‘Sorted. Now where’s my cab? Has anyone seen Brian? The old fool.’
The Town Council’s plans can be seen HERE
Staffordshire Police is appealing for the help of the public to trace a District Council from Lichfield.
Lichfield District Council was last seen functioning in the Lichfield area in the run up to local and parliamentary elections in May 2015. It was reported missing to Staffordshire Police after it failed to attend the annual meeting with Bromford Housing Association on February 28.
Former Council leader Cllr. Mike Wilcox said:
‘I have been concerned about the Council’s erratic behaviour for some time, it’s not the first time that it’s gone missing. Like any loving parent I’ve ranted and raved when it’s gone AWOL but it makes no difference. I’ve tried emailing and making appeals on local and social media, but nothing.’
Equally concerned is Lichfield Chain Gang chairman Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd, he said:
‘I was only going to one civic event this year in my council tax payers’ chauffeur driven limousine, imagine my disappointment when the Council snubbed the event. It is with huge regret and a heavy heart that my one and only civic event of the year has had to be cancelled.’
Cllr. Dodd added that he still hoped to raise some money for Free Spirit charity by raffling off prizes that had already been donated.
‘I’m literally flogging a dead horse,’ he exclaimed.
Investigating officer Insp Paul Mycock, based at Lichfield’s virtual reality police station, said:
‘If anyone has seen Lichfield District Council, or has any information which they think could help us to find it, I would urge them to contact us as soon as possible.
‘LDC, if you see this appeal, please get in touch to let us know that you are safe and well.’
The Local Government Boundary Commission was already considering to proposals to reduce the number of district councillors from 47 to 13 to reflect the pathetic extent of councillor engagement in representing their constituents.
FiveSpiresLive has not attempted to contact anyone for comment.
‘Lichfield councillors can barely read briefing papers,’ claims Council’s special educational needs officer.
Lichfield District Council Employment Committee met this evening (Thursday 9 February) to consider a report by officers pleading for elected members to avail themselves of training opportunities.
The annual Learning and Development Needs Analysis form has proven to be too challenging for almost half of Lichfield councillors to complete and return. Human Resources manager Katie Salter was unavailable for comment, she said:
‘At first I thought they were arrogant, egotistical idiots, but now I fear that many members just use bluster and buffoonery as a cover for severe learning disabilities. We are an equal opportunities employer but please, really? Twenty-eight so-called community leaders who can’t fill in a simple form?’
Cllr. Paul Mycock (Lichfield Scales and Spoons), said:
‘Training and continuing education? Give me a break. I wouldn’t need to understand all that rubbish if those ponsey polytechnic losers in the council office did their jobs properly. I enjoy a pies and bars as much as the next guy but I can’t be doing with all these graphs and facts and figures.’
Other councillors claim to have taken full advantage of training opportunities. Burntwood’s celebrity granny Cllr. Sue Norman, she said:
‘As an active member of the Audit Committee I am responsible for overseeing the council’s financial performance. After months of valuable training I am now able to evaluate complex financial reports and recommendations, if they contain graphics in primary colours, are well formatted and run to less than two pages then they get my vote.
‘And IT training has been great, don’t get me started on online petitions! I’ve just knocked one out against HSBC if you’d like to sign up.’
The Lichfield officer’s report on councillor educational needs is available Here
Staffordshire County Council approved almost £5 million in cuts to health and care services in September this year, which would see £439,000 of the Citizens Advice service’s funding being lost.
As part of the cuts Burntwood’s Citizens Advice Bureau has been closed and it’s elderly volunteers replaced with an Amazon Echo, a voice-activated internet-connected intelligent device that answers to the name of Alexa.
The device will be located on a table behind the Bureau’s front door and can be activated by citizens shouting their problems through the letterbox.
One of Burntwood’s many troubled residents is unemployed life coach Paul Mycock. He said:
‘I’ve been a regular at the CAB since I lost my job, especially during bad weather and the Jeremy Vine show.
‘The problem that I don’t really have this week turns on the correct interpretation of the provisions of The Consumer Contracts (Information, Cancellation and Additional Charges) Regulations 2013.
‘The CAB volunteers are great, particularly Mrs Norman, she’s a lovely old dear, but she hasn’t a clue – not unless it involves organising an online petition.
‘I knew she’d be on the Google for an hour or more before suggesting I see a decent local solicitor in Birmingham. Plenty of time for a brew and a chat by the radiator.’
Paul was shocked to discover the door to the CAB was locked but was intrigued by the instructions to shout through the letterbox. He continued:
‘I called out her name, “Alexa, Alexa are you there?” She said hello, she has a lovely sexy calming voice. I composed myself, placed my hand in my trouser pocket and told her of my 2013 Regulations based problem.
‘Quick as a flash Alexa came back with the answer, “14 days”. No tea, no biscuits and no time to sort myself out. It may be a quick, accurate and cost effective solution to Staffordshire’s financial crisis, but that’s not the point.
‘All I’m after is a bit of company, is that too much to ask?’
Staffordshire County Council refused to comment on the Echo trials although spokesperson Paula Wright did say:
‘There is an 80% chance of rain today.’