Burntwood

Dog walker discovers a Garrick theatre advertising hoarding concealed behind a dead body and roadside bushes

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Hoarding garrick

An early morning dog walker was shocked to discover a Garrick theatre advertising hoarding concealed behind trees and undergrowth beside the A51 Upper St John Street today. Confirmed bachelor Paul Mycock was out for his daily 6am walk when he made the discovery, he said:

‘It came as a complete shock, Fudge tore his way through the vegetation revealing, behind the dead body of a drunk, a Garrick theatre billboard. I was gobsmacked, I walk and drive past this site every single day and had no idea that this billboard was here.’

Garrick marketing manager Tobias Marlowe apologised, he said:

‘We apologise unreservedly for any distress that this discovery has caused to Lichfield rate payers who subsidise our extravagances. As soon as we realised the mistake that we had made, buying an advertising hoarding that is invisible to passing traffic, we thought it would be best to just let the shrubbery take its course.’

Speaking by Skype from Lichfield Police fortified head quarters on Eastern Avenue, Acting Sergeant  Blackham confirmed that they were not looking for anyone else in connection with the death of the man in the bush. He explained:

‘The drunk died of shock at the Garrick’s £250,000 subsidy.’

“Friarsgate development will be completed within 10 days,” claim Chinese developers

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Construction begins

A Chinese consortium, led by Wuhan based  Covid Construction Corp, has been appointed to develop Lichfield’s long-awaited Friarsgate shopping and leisure centre.

The scheme was axed in 2018 after Lichfield District Council chiefs voted against funding the development when the previous developer failed to secure private financial backing for the £54 million project.

Covid chief executive Zhang Yue said:

‘This project can be built-out by our skilled immigrant workforce on time and on budget – the time being within two weeks and the budget being 40% of the original estimate.

‘Now that the UK is ignoring EU regulations, we are able to make considerable cost savings – no minimum wages, no health and safety delays and no sustainability or building standards issues.

‘But our workforce will be well looked after; when not working 20 hour days they will spend their free time eating and sleeping at the Ruby and Lee Garden restaurants. There will be plenty of room for our 2000 comrades above the shops.

‘The buildings will be prefabricated in our new facility located on green-belt land around the People’s Province of Burntwood. The units will then be transported along the excellent road network to the Birmingham Road site.’

When slotted together the development is expected to reflect the architectural heritage of the City, as epitomised by the Premier Inn and Friary Car Park, inspired by the Danish Lego movement.

Council leader Cllr Doug Pullem commented:

‘With development funding from Beijing in place there can be an immediate start on site without our previous focus on securing pre-lets of the retail units. However, I can promise that there will be the usual mix of coffee bars, charity shops and hair & nail salons which have proven to be so popular in Lichfield.

‘If all goes well we are hoping to appoint Covid Construction to demolish Friary Grange Leisure Centre and build a state-of-the-art Olympic swimming pool and gym during the May half-term.’

Mr Yue said that in order to recompense local restaurateurs for their hospitality, ‘It is planned that Friarsgate will include a new Oriental food Cash and Carry, incorporating our popular live-animal open market on alternate Fridays.’

 

 

 

Lichfield constituents petition the PM to give Michael Fabricant peerage to get rid of him

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Following Prime Minister Theresa May’s drive to garner support for her defunct Brexit Withdrawal Agreement by bestowing honours on potential supporters, Lichfield voters are petitioning for their MP to be made a Lord as soon as possible.
Lord Lichfield
Burntwood health service worker Paul Mycock started the movement, he explained:

‘After the death this week of Conservative peer Baroness Trumpton and the knighthood of Tamworth MP Christopher “Bottom” Pincher, I conceived a plan that would rid us of our truculent member, a plan that his ego would find irresistible.

‘If we could persuade the PM offer him a peerage in return for his vote Fabricant would be unable to resist then he’d have to resign as our MP. Result. What a win win solution for all concerned.’

Not everyone is so enthusiastic about the premature ejaculation of Mr Fabricant into the upper echelons of British society. Long-time friend Andy Street is West Midlands Mayor. He said:

‘The plan was that when my term as Mayor ends in 2020, it would be general election time under the fixed term Parliament. Mike would retire and I would stand as candidate for Lichfield MP. Well, that was the plan, who knows when the next election will be now thanks to the incompetence of Mrs May.
‘But one thing’s for sure, if Mike becomes a Lord in the next few months I’m out of the game.
‘And that’s a shame, I’ve had my eye on Mike’s seat for years.’

Mr Fabricant was unavailable for comment as we went to press as he was trapped in a lift by Conservative Whips in a dummy run for 11 December.

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Burntwood Wakes 2018 Festival to host “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year” Award

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Burntwood’s annual free festival of family fun and entertainment will be opened by their elusive Conservative MP Michael Fabricant on Saturday 30 June.

Mr Fabricant will be presenting the inaugural “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year Award” at 1pm at Burntwood Leisure Centre.

Early nominations include Mr Fabricant himself, he said:

‘I may have shot myself in the foot with this one, I recently nominated a Burntwood teenage girl who, in my opinion, is a “complete twat”. What was I thinking?

‘I’ve now been accused of using offensive and unprofessional language!

‘To be honest, anyone who wants to engage with me and a bottle of Pinot on Twitter on a sunny afternoon during a bank holiday weekend needs to be robust enough to take a roasting. Man up girl.

‘Now they’re saying that “twat” is a synonym for female genitalia! Well, come on what do I know about female genitalia? That’s not really up my Street.’

Wakes organisers have had to review security arrangements for this year’s Festival in the light of Mr Fabricant’s uncharacteristic attendance. Burntwood Labour councillor Myfanwy Hertz commented:

‘In view of the real threat of disorder during the Member’s controversial visit we have revised our security cover and rather than having the planned five highly trained hi-viz wearing unemployed gypsies on patrol, we’ll now have just the two.’

Nominations for this year’s prestigious award are now open and can be submitted to @fivespireslive #BurntwoodTwat . Nominations close on 14 June 2018 and twitter polls will be open on @fivespireslive until Thursday 28 June.

Dr. Samuel Johnson of Lichfield adjudicates from the grave on the definition of “twat”

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TWAT

NOUN

VULGAR slang

1. Female genitalia, albeit unfamiliar territory for Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

2. Person regarded as stupid or obnoxious e.g. Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

VERB

BRITISH informal

1. To hit or punch (someone).

“If I was on a discussion programme with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown I’d twat her in the throat” says Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

A volunteer wrote this, say thanks with a coffee, or a punch in the throat

Brexit creates record number of zero-hour jobs, claims Lichfield MP

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Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.

The MP said:

‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.

‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’

Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:

‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.

‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’

‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’

Mr Fabricant responded:

‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.

‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’

FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.

Lichfield MP wears a blindfold to avoid contact with constituents 

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Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant has taken to wearing a blindfold when out in public in order to reduce any possible contact with his constituents

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Michael Fabricant avoiding eye contact with constituents

Mr Fabricant has had a hearing problem for many years, turning a deaf ear to any local issues that do not interest him. In a candid interview with 5SL the MP said:

‘Unless something is likely to impact on my travel arrangements to London, or there is an opportunity to take credit for the successful outcome for a campaign that I have not been involved with, or I can promote of the activities of the West Midlands mayor; then quite frankly I’m not interested.

‘One of the major drawbacks of returning to LichVegas is that my taxpayer-funded long weekends are often disrupted by constituents coming up to me in cafe Nero asking me to do my job.

‘Look, I’ve sorted out Burntwood health centre, I’ve saved the MIU at Samuel Johnson hospital, I’ve secured M&S as anchor tenant for Friarsgate and I will shortly be announcing how I single handedly obtained funding for the Lichfield Southern Bypass. What more do you want?

‘All I ask is that I be allowed to walk unmolested from my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close in search of a skinny latte. If the only way to do that is to remove my hearing aid and wear a blindfold when out in public, then so be it.’

Local plumber and Labour activist Paul Mycock is unimpressed, he said:

‘I’m unimpressed. If it isn’t bad enough that he has no interest in his constituents, he adds insult to injury by doing a very poor impersonation of David Bowie’s Lazarus.

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Michael Fabricant tribute act

‘Talk about raising the dead, he’ll need to start practicing the art of necromancy just to keep his majority with the average age of Lichfield Conservative voters now topping 98.’

‘Jesus wept.’

Any constituents who have been unable to contact their MP will be able to see him by tuning in to Celebrity First Date on Channel 4 on Thursday 2 November at 10pm.

 

 

Lichfield Bus Station to get a new shopping trolley bay

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Lichfield District Council Planning Committee has approved plans this evening (21 August) for a new shopping trolley bay in the middle of the bus station car park.

Local supermarket shopper Pawelek Mycock welcomed the decision, he said:

‘I welcome the decision, many a time I have had to struggle down from Tesco to catch the bus with half a dozen carrier bags stuffed with discounted loaves on a Sunday afternoon. I’ll be able to take a trolley now and park it in the new bay. It’ll work great with bags full of rancid fruit and vege on the night as well.’

The planning application was submitted by Friarsgate virtual developer U+I Group, its deputy CEO and Leader of Lichfield District Council Richard Upton commented:

‘We could see an immediate need to support the local community and provide a safe drop off point for stolen supermarket trollies where your Erdington grooming gangs could deposit unconscious Lichfield girls before catching the train home.

‘Anyone who suggests that this planning application is a cynical move to give the impression that we are pressing ahead with our development plans is mistaken. We already did that when we closed Tempest Ford, threw 24 workers out of a job prematurely and created a derelict site at the City gateway.

‘And just to be on the safe side we’ve submitted another application to move around some parking spaces.’

Friarsgate Shopping Center is expected to open to the public in Spring 2030. 

Burntwood Town Council’s foray into amateur property development “probably a mistake” admits councillor

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Old Mining College
Dilapidated former Mining College building. (Courtesy Lichfield Live)

Former Burntwood Town Council leader Cllr Richard Mosson has admitted that it was probably a mistake for the Council to commit local taxpayers to a property development vanity project.

The Council offices moved from it’s convenient cost-effective location at Burntwood library to the Old Mining College Centre in 2015. Cllr Mosson said:

‘It was a great opportunity, what could possibly go wrong, signing up to a 35 year full repairing lease of a dilapidated building?’

Signing lease
Karaoke DJ Cllr Pam Stokes and Cllr “Mad Dog” Mosson signing the 35 year debt agreement

A meeting of the Town Council’s policy and resources committee last week to considered plans to address the state of the building, including replacement of wooden framed sash windows at a cost of £20,000 and the relaying of floors. The total cost of repairs and refurbishments is currently estimated at over £55,000.

Paul Mycock, an officer in Lichfield District Council’s Legal, Property and Democratic Services department did not want to be identified. He said:

‘I can barely contain myself,’ he laughed, ‘even with the District Council’s resources and proven track record in successful property development projects, we could never make the Old Mining College commercially viable.  But we were saddled with a 35 year full repairing lease from the landlord, Staffordshire County Council. We told them we wanted to surrender the lease and they said “fcuk off”.

‘Thinking that maybe they had been a little harsh, the CC came back to us to say that they would take a surrender but only if we could find some other mug to take it on on the same debilitating terms.

‘There was a knock on the door and who should be there but former Burntwood Town Councillor Steve Norman. And the rest, as they say, is history.’

The Town Council meeting considered various solutions to the dilemma.  Cllr Sue Woodward suggested approaching the producers of DIY SOS or the Restoration Project. Unelected leader of the Council “Cllr” Norman Baker responded:

‘Don’t be so ridiculous Sue, after all it was you and your husband that got us into this mess. No, what I propose is that we spent £5,000 on flowers and a new lawn and introduce a mini crazy golf course. And we should invest in photo’s of Town Council Chairmen past and present to adorn the stairway and the charge local taxpayers who want to view. We could announce these innovative plans on a new £1,000 message board.

‘Sorted. Now where’s my cab? Has anyone seen Brian? The old fool.’

The Town Council’s plans can be seen HERE

Roy-Chubby-Brown1
Cllr Norma Bacon picture gallery contribution

 

Police appeal for help to trace missing Lichfield District Council

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Staffordshire Police is appealing for the help of the public to trace a District Council from Lichfield.

Lichfield District Council was last seen functioning in the Lichfield area in the run up to local and parliamentary elections in May 2015. It was reported missing to Staffordshire Police after it failed to attend the annual meeting with Bromford Housing Association on February 28.

Meeting Room
Full Council meeting with Bromford Housing Association

Former Council leader Cllr. Mike Wilcox said:

‘I have been concerned about the Council’s erratic behaviour for some time, it’s not the first time that it’s gone missing. Like any loving parent I’ve ranted and raved when it’s gone AWOL but it makes no difference. I’ve tried emailing and making appeals on local and social media, but nothing.’

Equally concerned is Lichfield Chain Gang chairman Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd, he said:

‘I was only going to one civic event this year in my council tax payers’ chauffeur driven limousine, imagine my disappointment when the Council snubbed the event. It is with huge regret and a heavy heart that my one and only civic event of the year has had to be cancelled.’

Sir Kenneth Dodd
Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd: ‘Is it me?’

Cllr. Dodd added that he still hoped to raise some money for Free Spirit charity by raffling off prizes that had already been donated.

‘I’m literally flogging a dead horse,’ he exclaimed.

Investigating officer Insp Paul Mycock, based at Lichfield’s virtual reality police station, said:

‘If anyone has seen Lichfield District Council, or has any information which they think could help us to find it, I would urge them to contact us as soon as possible.

‘LDC, if you see this appeal, please get in touch to let us know that you are safe and well.’

The Local Government Boundary Commission was already considering to proposals to reduce the number of district councillors from 47 to 13 to reflect the pathetic extent of councillor engagement in representing their constituents.

FiveSpiresLive has not attempted to contact anyone for comment.