Staffordshire County Council approved almost £5 million in cuts to health and care services in September this year, which would see £439,000 of the Citizens Advice service’s funding being lost.
As part of the cuts Burntwood’s Citizens Advice Bureau has been closed and it’s elderly volunteers replaced with an Amazon Echo, a voice-activated internet-connected intelligent device that answers to the name of Alexa.
The device will be located on a table behind the Bureau’s front door and can be activated by citizens shouting their problems through the letterbox.
One of Burntwood’s many troubled residents is unemployed life coach Paul Mycock. He said:
‘I’ve been a regular at the CAB since I lost my job, especially during bad weather and the Jeremy Vine show.
‘The problem that I don’t really have this week turns on the correct interpretation of the provisions of The Consumer Contracts (Information, Cancellation and Additional Charges) Regulations 2013.
‘The CAB volunteers are great, particularly Mrs Norman, she’s a lovely old dear, but she hasn’t a clue – not unless it involves organising an online petition.
‘I knew she’d be on the Google for an hour or more before suggesting I see a decent local solicitor in Birmingham. Plenty of time for a brew and a chat by the radiator.’
Paul was shocked to discover the door to the CAB was locked but was intrigued by the instructions to shout through the letterbox. He continued:
‘I called out her name, “Alexa, Alexa are you there?” She said hello, she has a lovely sexy calming voice. I composed myself, placed my hand in my trouser pocket and told her of my 2013 Regulations based problem.
‘Quick as a flash Alexa came back with the answer, “14 days”. No tea, no biscuits and no time to sort myself out. It may be a quick, accurate and cost effective solution to Staffordshire’s financial crisis, but that’s not the point.
‘All I’m after is a bit of company, is that too much to ask?’
Staffordshire County Council refused to comment on the Echo trials although spokesperson Paula Wright did say:
‘There is an 80% chance of rain today.’
Proposals for an “adult café” in Lichfield’s Three Spires Shopping Centre have been submitted to the District Council’s planning department for pre-application consideration.
Modelled on successful businesses in Thailand, such as Dr. BJ’s Salon in Bangkok, Swiss entrepreneur Bradley Charvet hopes to open the UK’s first “fellatio café” in Lichfield. However due to the UK’s strict prostitution laws Charvet has revealed that the oral sex will be performed by ‘erotic cyborgs.’
In support of the application Mr Charvet said:
‘Our research indicates that Lichfield is an ideal location, demographically the city has the highest percentage of jerk jockeys in the UK.
‘A 15-minute oral sex session with a flat white will set punters back just £50. Any patrons who work up an appetite can pay extra for a sausage roll or cheesy panini.
‘The cafe will be home to eight robots dressed in a variety of costumes including nurse, police, student and local councillor.’
Lichfield plumber Paul Mycock commented:
‘As a member of Lichfield Round Table I’m obviously sexually frustrated, but if you’re asking me to pay £50 for a 15-minute sex session with a robot you’ve got to be having a laugh. I’d only last a minute.
‘Although I’ve no objection to robot sex, I imagine it’s much like going at it with my Pauline. Before she ran off with my mate from the Table. I still miss him.’
Any comments on the proposals should be addressed to Jon in Lichfield District Council’s planning department, although the plans are expected to go through on the nod. #OurDay
A Lichfield driver has expressed amazement after his first journey through Streethay for almost four months. The A5127 Burton Road was reopened at the weekend following a four month closure to allow construction works to take place.
‘The road closure has caused havoc with my daily commute, adding over 3,500 miles to my travel over the summer. Imagine my surprise driving through Streethay again today for the first time in months, not a thing has changed.
‘Four months of construction works, miles of diversions and traffic congestion and nothing, absolutely nothing to show for it. At the very least I was expecting to see a new leisure complex complete with a twenty-screen cinema and luxury marina.
‘And it’s not like I could have missed it, I was in stationary traffic for fifteen minutes waiting at the temporary traffic lights.’
For Streethay residents the road closure has provided welcome relief from the constant noise of through traffic. Local resident Frank Angryman said:
‘It has been a peaceful summer, especially as no noticeable construction work has taken place. Now we are looking forward to full scale work getting going on the new housing and industrial developments which will hopefully be completed in time for HS2 works to carve up the county.’
Local MP Michael Fabricant was asked to comment, he said:
The Boundary Commission 2018 boundary change proposals can be found Here
MP Michael Fabricant has invited President-Elect Donald Trump to Lichfield for a masterclass in Wall building.
Following Trump’s shock success in the US presidential election Mr Fabricant sent his congratulations to the Republican usurper. Declaring Trump’s victory in November to be a “Western Spring”. He said:
‘I congratulated Donald on his impressive victory and invited him to Lichfield to show him how a carefully constructed imaginary Wall created in the minds of unwanted sections of a community can be as effective as any actual physical structure.’
Donald Trump wants to build an “impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall” between the US and Mexico. The Republican victor’s big ideas have proven to be small on detail, and the wall is no exception. The US-Mexico border is almost 2,000 miles long and crosses all sorts of terrain from empty, dusty desert to the lush and rugged surroundings of the Rio Grande.
According to Mr Fabricant not only is the physical construction of such a wall a mammoth and costly engineering project, it is also unnecessary. He explained:
‘By vividly describing the wall during the election campaign many lazy Mexicans already believe that the structure exists and, preferring siestas to abseiling, will carry on raping and drug dealing in their own lands. It’s much the same in Burntwood which is itself beyond the Wall.’
Soon to be President Trump drew many parallels with Brexit during his campaign and harnessed the intellectual powers of UKIP’s odious recidivistic leader Nigel Fromage. Mr Trump admitted:
‘Sometimes all that the downtrodden, desperate and disenfranchised masses require is a leader of cunning, a demagogue who reads the waves of resentment and rides them to a popular victory. Well Hello there.’
Lichfield’s MP agreed:
‘Donald is basically a charismatic liar, selling the electorate an elaborate hoax of the utopian benefits of supporting his illusory world view.
‘Much the same was we did with Brexit. I’m the first person to stand up for our fantastic NHS, they’re doing a fantastic job already so do they really need that extra £350m a week? I don’t think so.’
When asked to comment on his invitation to Lichfield Mr Trump said:
‘I’m delighted that my idea of an imaginary wall has been implemented so effectively in Litchfield. I’ve never heard of this Fabricunt guy, but I’ll say this for him, he’s got great hair. Great hair.’
Paul Mycock, 46, was on an all-expenses paid charity fact-finding trip to Tenerife funded by Lichfield Round Table when the incident occurred. His wife Paula spend two days of her all-inclusive holiday at Paul’s hospital bedside, she commented:
‘We’ve been coming to Tenerife for many years, sometimes at our own expense, but we’ve never seen anything like this before.
‘We were sitting in a beach bar watching the usual procession of vagrant Senegalese illegal street traders trying to force their shite on elderly Brits when Paul suddenly grabbed my arm and said “Look, I think someone’s just bought a fake Louis Vuitton handbag from that guy.”
‘Next thing I know, Paul clutches his chest and collapses, taking our table to the ground with him. I was beside myself, a full jug of Sangria into the sand, clumsy bastard.’
Paul has now made a full recovery and is enjoying the last few days of their holiday, he said:
‘It’s been such a stressful few days, no sooner had we arrived in Tenerife than we were alerted by The Daily Express to PANIC in the streets as the volcanic island was set to explode. We had to fight our way through hoards of drunken pensioners sunning themselves, indifferent to the imminent threat of annihilation, to our hotel in the foothills of Mount Teide.
‘Then the next day to be confronted by the sight someone actually voluntarily buying something from one of these beach gypsies, it just blew a valve. I’m lucky to be alive to be honest.
‘The usual custom around here is to politely suggest to the traders that that they just “Vete a la miedra.”’
Lichfield’s Night Watch crack down on “West Midlands filth” breaching the Wall via the Cross City line.
Staffordshire Police have responded in support of Lichfield’s self-styled Watchers on the Wall to rid the city of West Midland migrant youths pouring into Lichfield City train station and causing havoc in the town.
Lichfield’s Watchers, the provisional wing of Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS), have made a number of “citizen’s arrests” in an ongoing operation to stop the young male troublemakers flocking into Lichfield from the West Midlands conurbation.
Lichfield retained control of its borders by opting out the Shenstone Zone Agreement which permits free movement of people within the West Midlands. However over the summer there have been an increasing number of troubling incidents, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Sidney Sprite, 103, said:
‘There have been a number of incidents of violence, sexual assault and burglary in the last month all involving young males from the Birmingham area entering the City via the Cross City train line. In the evening Lichfield City station is effectively an open sewer spewing West Midlands filth out onto the streets of our City.
‘We have been working very closely and sharing intelligence with British Transport Police and West Midlands Police with the aim to resolve this issue.This includes the setting up of external Lichfield border controls in Shenstone.’
Shenstone residents are not impressed, local IT consultant Paul Mycock, 33, said:
‘I’m not impressed. Setting up border controls in Shenstone merely shifts what is essentially a Lichfield problem onto the streets of our village. Brummies have started to set up a makeshift camp in the grounds of UAV Engines. It’s like a jungle out there.’
‘This is the perfect solution to the migrant crisis and, more importantly, Shenstone is not in my constituency. I will be taking the matter up directly with the Transport minister.’
The Boundary Commission has drawn up plans to move Whittington and Streethay from the Lichfield constituency into the neighbouring Tamworth electoral area.
The proposal was branded as “excellent news” by Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant.
‘This will considerably reduce my workload. It will, at a stroke, remove all of those Whittington golfers whinging on about HS2 carving through their clubhouse and golf course. In addition I will no longer have to pretend to be interested in the local objections to the new residential and commercial developments in Streethay and its associated traffic problems. What’s not to like?’
Tamworth Conservative MP Chris Pincher says that the changes will bolster his parliamentary majority. He commented:
‘I welcome all former Lichfield Conservative voters into our Birmingham sink town constituency. I am sure that my objections to HS2 in 2010 that were instrumental in shifting the route out from Hopwas and Mile Oak and straight through Whittington Heath Golf Club have long since been forgotten.’
Less impressed is Robert Past, leader of Whittington’s Amish community and current chair of the so-called Green Party’s Lichfield and Burntwood branch. Speaking from the Tree House at the bottom of his parents’ garden the 15 year old firebrand said:
‘The Boundary Commission’s plan to remove Whittington from the Lichfield constituency is mindless and insensitive. Our weekly journey for essential provisions by pony and trap will take an extra three hours if we have to shop with the peasants at Tamworth Asda. This will be a real burden on our women folk especially in winter.’
Another consequence of the boundary changes will be the loss of Lichfield Trent Valley station from the constituency. MP Mr Fabricant has been taking up the matter of disabled access to the split level platforms with ministers for a number of years, he said:
‘Thank goodness I won’t be held responsible for this project when it’s kicked into the long grass again for another ten years. But as a regular rail traveller who is becoming increasingly infirm this is a real concern for Lichfield constituents. I will certainly be lobbying the MP responsible, Chris Pincher of Tamworth, to hold ministers to account.’
Mr Fabricant is widely expected to stand down as Conservative candidate for Lichfield MP before the next election in favour of his long term friend, West Midland’s Mayor Andy Street.
People have until December 5 to give their views on the proposed boundary changes via the online consultation website.