Lichfield’s Night Watch crack down on “West Midlands filth” breaching the Wall via the Cross City line.
Staffordshire Police have responded in support of Lichfield’s self-styled Watchers on the Wall to rid the city of West Midland migrant youths pouring into Lichfield City train station and causing havoc in the town.
Lichfield’s Watchers, the provisional wing of Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS), have made a number of “citizen’s arrests” in an ongoing operation to stop the young male troublemakers flocking into Lichfield from the West Midlands conurbation.
Lichfield retained control of its borders by opting out the Shenstone Zone Agreement which permits free movement of people within the West Midlands. However over the summer there have been an increasing number of troubling incidents, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Sidney Sprite, 103, said:
‘There have been a number of incidents of violence, sexual assault and burglary in the last month all involving young males from the Birmingham area entering the City via the Cross City train line. In the evening Lichfield City station is effectively an open sewer spewing West Midlands filth out onto the streets of our City.
‘We have been working very closely and sharing intelligence with British Transport Police and West Midlands Police with the aim to resolve this issue.This includes the setting up of external Lichfield border controls in Shenstone.’
Shenstone residents are not impressed, local IT consultant Paul Mycock, 33, said:
‘I’m not impressed. Setting up border controls in Shenstone merely shifts what is essentially a Lichfield problem onto the streets of our village. Brummies have started to set up a makeshift camp in the grounds of UAV Engines. It’s like a jungle out there.’
‘This is the perfect solution to the migrant crisis and, more importantly, Shenstone is not in my constituency. I will be taking the matter up directly with the Transport minister.’
The Boundary Commission has drawn up plans to move Whittington and Streethay from the Lichfield constituency into the neighbouring Tamworth electoral area.
The proposal was branded as “excellent news” by Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant.
‘This will considerably reduce my workload. It will, at a stroke, remove all of those Whittington golfers whinging on about HS2 carving through their clubhouse and golf course. In addition I will no longer have to pretend to be interested in the local objections to the new residential and commercial developments in Streethay and its associated traffic problems. What’s not to like?’
Tamworth Conservative MP Chris Pincher says that the changes will bolster his parliamentary majority. He commented:
‘I welcome all former Lichfield Conservative voters into our Birmingham sink town constituency. I am sure that my objections to HS2 in 2010 that were instrumental in shifting the route out from Hopwas and Mile Oak and straight through Whittington Heath Golf Club have long since been forgotten.’
Less impressed is Robert Past, leader of Whittington’s Amish community and current chair of the so-called Green Party’s Lichfield and Burntwood branch. Speaking from the Tree House at the bottom of his parents’ garden the 15 year old firebrand said:
‘The Boundary Commission’s plan to remove Whittington from the Lichfield constituency is mindless and insensitive. Our weekly journey for essential provisions by pony and trap will take an extra three hours if we have to shop with the peasants at Tamworth Asda. This will be a real burden on our women folk especially in winter.’
Another consequence of the boundary changes will be the loss of Lichfield Trent Valley station from the constituency. MP Mr Fabricant has been taking up the matter of disabled access to the split level platforms with ministers for a number of years, he said:
‘Thank goodness I won’t be held responsible for this project when it’s kicked into the long grass again for another ten years. But as a regular rail traveller who is becoming increasingly infirm this is a real concern for Lichfield constituents. I will certainly be lobbying the MP responsible, Chris Pincher of Tamworth, to hold ministers to account.’
Mr Fabricant is widely expected to stand down as Conservative candidate for Lichfield MP before the next election in favour of his long term friend, West Midland’s Mayor Andy Street.
People have until December 5 to give their views on the proposed boundary changes via the online consultation website.
Andy Street, former managing director of John Lewis Partnership, launched his political career amid speculation that he is being groomed to become the Conservative Party candidate for Lichfield at the next general election.
Current incumbent Michael Fabricant is widely expected to step aside, by popular demand, in favour of his long term friend in that election which is scheduled to take place in May 2020.
The start of Mr Street’s political career will be his coronation as the Conservative Party candidate for West Midlands mayor on 29 September, ahead of the Conservative Party conference where Mr Street will welcome Prime Minister Theresa May and the party faithful to Birmingham on October 2.
Lichfield Conservative Party chairman, Fr. Jonathan Hall welcomed the anointment he said:
‘Andy has done brilliantly well, he was the only candidate with the vision to submit his application for West Midlands mayor in an unannounced and secretive selection process before nominations closed on 31 August. And he’s a close friend of Michael’s, what could possibly go wrong?’
A spokesman for John Lewis said:
‘We wish Andy well in his bid to become West Midlands Mayor. We would also like to thank the Conservative party for keeping the selection process as covert and undemocratic as possible, thereby protecting the John Lewis group from exposure to the commercial risks that would have resulted from a correctly procured selection process. We thank Andy for his prompt resignation and no, he will not be welcome back when he fails to get elected.’
The West Midlands mayoral election will take place in May 2017 with the successful candidate being in place for three years, which will coincide with the next scheduled general election in 2012.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant said:
‘My long standing friendship with Andy Street is well documented in my previous interviews with the Daily Mail and Pink News, but I deny that I had any influence in the selection process for mayor. However I fully endorse Andy as my worthy successor to the crown of Lichfield in 2020. I need to retire whilst I’m still on top but I’m running dry on the Twitter nob gags.
‘Lichfield deserves a seamless succession and with Andy as MP that’s what it will get, after all he is strong advocate for HS2 and a Remainer in the Brexit referendum. Oh, hang on a minute….’
For further information…
Conservative leadership candidate Theresa May has pleaded with Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant not to declare support for her campaign.
The battle to succeed David Cameron at Number 10 has seen a number of MPs benefiting from the endorsement of the Lichfield incumbent. Before any candidates had declared, Mr Fabricant was first out of the trap to declare that he was firmly behind fellow clown Boris Johnson’s claim to the throne.
He announced on Twitter:
But following a tip-off in the early hours of Thursday morning that Blair-cuckold Rupert Murdoch had ordered the political assassination of Mr Johnson, the Lichfield member immediately switched his allegiance to someone who looked like a winner.
Unwittingly he opted for Justice Secretary Michael Gove, a self-styled egotist powered by a vortex of schoolboy inadequacy, haunted by the fear that his wife was punching below her weight. Mr Gove said:
‘I did almost everything not to be a candidate for the leadership of this party. I was so very reluctant because I know my limitations. Whatever charisma is, I don’t have it, whatever glamour may be, I don’t think anyone could ever associate me with it.’
Prior to the public announcement by Boris of his own demise, Mr Fabricant in a Saul-to-Paul-like conversion declared that Mr Gove was the only credible candidate for the PM’s job. He said:
With support for Mr Grove dramatically dwindling going into the weekend, Mrs May’s team became increasingly concerned that Mr Fabricant would switch support to the Home Secretary. In a late night telephone call to the Lichfield MP Mrs May said:
‘Michael you’re a buffoon, but if I can rely on you to lend your support to Julie Andrews tribute act Andrea Leadsom, I can promise you a Cabinet roll.’
Sandwiches are also available at Cabinet meetings.
Controversy has hit Lichfield’s Garrick theatre as it emerged that its ‘enhanced ticketing protocol’ was inadvertently invoked for the recent sell-out concert by Sir Tom Jones.
Thousands of people attended the LichVegas event in Beacon Park which was marred by ticketing problems that saw multiple duplicate tickets issued by the Garrick which was running the box office for events organiser TinyCOW.
Lichfield based Lee O’Hanlon of TinyCOW commented:
‘Confusion and delays on the door were caused when it became apparent that duplicate tickets had been issued. Fans were disappointed to have their “keepsake” tickets confiscated as we had to retain them as evidence against the Garrick.
‘We’ve been pressing the Garrick for an explanation but so far none has been forthcoming.’
However 5SL has been contacted by a disgruntled Garrick employee with an axe to grind who wishes to remain anonymous. Box office manager Paul Mycock disclosed:
‘This was a cock-up by the Garrick. It was clear from the outset that Tom’s concert would be a sell-out but someone here inadvertently initiated the ‘enhanced ticketing protocol’ in the box office software.’
Mr Mycock explained:
‘It is well known that The Garrick has traditionally been the venue of choice for third-rate acts and productions.
‘The nadir was ‘An Evening with Michael Fabricant’ when it became apparent that only a handful of Jonathan Hall’s immediate family would actually buy a ticket. The protocol was created – all tickets bought would generate ten duplicate free tickets. These were left on tables in The Malt and stuck in copies of The Big Issue by local salesman Gobby Scouse. This produced a respectable turnout, albeit an audience comprised of drunks and vagabonds.
‘This ticketing protocol was mistakenly invoked for Sir Tom and chaos ensued.’
Garrick head of marketing Alex Lloyd refused to comment on this specific case as it was in the hands of their solicitors, but he did say:
‘Multiple ticketing can work well for some unpopular events. Almost twenty members of the audience are now paying for their seats at the monthly Comedy 42 events.’
Sir Tom Jones has been made aware of the controversy but after surviving decades of industry scams he commented :
‘It’s not unusual.’
Lichfield constituents will now have to go online to book an appointment with their MP Michael Fabricant through the National Rail Enquiries website.
Previously only available by written application penned with a swan’s quill on the finest vellum and handed to a barista at Caffe Nero, these surgery appointments have proven to be rather too bothersome. Mr Fabricant explained:
‘It was proving just too popular, some weeks I’d have see up to three plebeians pleading their worthless causes. It was outrageous, turning up to interrupt my long-weekend break with moans and groans about trivial parochial issues – no health provision in Burntwood; appalling social housing conditions in the Dimbles; or, best of all, the sell-off of the Friary Library, what a joke, they can’t even read.
‘Well, local issues affecting people who don’t vote for me are of no interest and frankly it’s an unwelcome distraction from my camp Twitter innuendo sessions with a piping hot grande Americano.’
Our local member expects that the new booking arrangements, managed by National Rail Enquiries, will ensure that only issues relating to rail travel to and from London Euston on a Thursday afternoon and a Sunday evening will be raised. Mr Fabricant elaborated:
‘Constituents can go online, type in their West Coast Mainline or HS2 concerns and National Rail will book a reservation with me on the London/Lichfield line. But remember, it’s first come first served – there’s only one 2 minute slot available per journey. And at a ticket price of £250 I think that’s real value for money.’
Mr Fabricant regularly challenges @LondonMidland on matters of grave concern to his constituents, he has tweeted:
“Is vaping allowed on @LondonMidland trains? On Sunday, there were thick white fumes in my part of the train. Ugghhh!”
“Intensely irritating getting the message that @LondonMidland 14.46 EUS > Crewe is boarding then left on platform!”
The Lichfield MP has also called for a new HS2 station to be located by his home on The Close and for the new line to link up with Eurostar. The vociferous Brexit campaigner commented:
‘HS2 ought to have a complete rethink. The route is completely flawed. If it joined up with Eurostar we could deport migrants much more efficiently. What you have to ask is, if he had been in charge what would Hitler have done?’
Local damp and mould campaigner Bessy Banks from the neighbouring Bromford Housing settlement in Lichfield North said:
‘We just don’t need these pretend camp-lite sites in our area. If you’re looking for break with all the comforts of home, then stay at home. If you’re looking for a real-life back-to-nature outdoor experience come and spend a night in my house.
‘We grow mushrooms in our bedrooms you know. Stick that in your vape and smoke it.’
Objections have also been raised by Dr Nathaniel Braun, principal of the Maple Hayes Dilysxea School which adjoins the proposed hippy commune. He said:
‘It’s not the ridiculous beards and smug arrogance of these affluent, middle-class, white, politically-progressive, artisan food-loving millennials that’s the problem.
‘It’s the fact that “glamping” isn’t even a real word. Here at Maple Hayes we have enough problems with real words without struggling with invented ones.’
Lichfield Police have expressed concerns about the integration of hipster teenagers into the local community. Recently re-elected Staffordshire Police and Crime Commissioner Clyde Ellis said:
‘Hipster families can cause real problems when they move into an area. Unlike normal travellers they refuse to use the local fields and watercourses for washing and defecation, preferring to migrate into town to ablute in our pubs and restaurants. This puts a real strain on local facilities; the disabled toilet at The Malt is particularly vulnerable especially in warm weather.
‘Public order issues are also worrying. Hipster youngsters wandering around Beacon Park with their books, floppy hair and wispy facial hair are just asking for a thump in the throat, admittedly a traditional Lichfield greeting invented by our MP, but unwelcome nonetheless.’
Charity shops expect to be overwhelmed as the visitors arrive in search of trendy retro tweeds and floral dresses. Charity shop manager Paul Mycock said:
‘These families swarming around the shops can cause real obstacles for the elderly charity workers as they shuffle and dither about the place trying to look busy.’
The owner of the field Farmer Ted said:
‘The land has previously been rented out for grazing, but a change to subsidies and an opportunity for me to cash in on the hipster market means the local livestock owners can just feck right off.
‘And you’d all better not object to the application, Plan B is a sale to the Staffordshire Gypsies’
The planning application can be viewed at https://planning.lichfielddc.gov.uk/online-applications/applicationDetails.do?activeTab=summary&keyVal=O68HOZJE0FV00