A controversial proposal to overcome the Brexit deadlock emerged over the weekend in a Lichfield pub. Regular drunks in the Kings Head came up with the solution late on Saturday night following a wide-ranging debate about the Villa and the unreasonable expectations of their respective wives and girlfriends.
Local plumber Paul Mycock commented: ‘Now I don’t profess to know anything about Brexit, but I do know that Theresa May’s a traitor and that, as it stands, her Withdrawal Agreement is a complete betrayal of the referendum result.
‘When I voted Leave, I voted to abolish free movement of people into our country from India and Pakistan and to take back control of our convenience shops and hospitals. The government needs to deliver on that vote. Do they think we’re all stupid or what?’
Former Birmingham pub-goer Paddy McGuinness explained that the problem with the Withdrawal Agreement relates to the treatment of the Northern Ireland border with the Republic.
He said: ‘The lads weren’t very interested in the detail to be honest until they noticed BBC News reporting a car bomb in what is incorrectly called Londonderry.
‘Then Cocky pipes up “What’s the fecking point of Northern Ireland anyway?” It was like a light had been switched on. Everyone agreed that the solution to the Brexit impasse was to hand over Northern Ireland to the Republic. Border problem sorted.
‘I could barely contain myself, who’d have thought that the Conservative Party would have done more for the Republican cause in two years than Sinn Fein managed in half a century.’
Westgate Medical Practice’s celebrity doctor “Prof” Helen Stokes-Lampard (f) is concerned that the local member’s voting record, in what has been a tumultuous shitfest of a week in British politics, exhibits symptoms of the so-called Schrodinger’s Member Syndrome (SMS).
Dr Hilary said: ’My intimate knowledge of my patient coupled with my bourgeoning media career has given me ample opportunity to observe Michael in his natural habitat in Westminster. SMS is a psychological condition, little-known outside of the Parliamentary estate, enabling a politician to simultaneously hold two contradictory views of reality without any discernible internal conflict.’
On Tuesday evening Mr Fabricant was instrumental in delivering an historically humiliating defeat to his own Tory government when he voted against the Withdrawal Agreement.
On Wednesday evening he joined his fellow Tory raft-clingers and gave his whole-hearted support to the Tory government in a No Confidence vote.
Mr Fabricant commented: ‘On Tuesday evening Mrs May was a treacherous Remainer who is failing to deliver the will of the British people. On Wednesday evening the PM was the most glorious leader this country has seen since Mrs Thatcher during the Falklands War. What’s the problem?
‘And, in common with Westgate, I’ve no idea who this Dr Strobes is. She most certainly has never entered me, nor me her. Obviously.
‘But let’s not confuse my ability to see all sides of an argument as being a symptom of this SMS. Forget Brexit and consider my unequivocal position on HS2 for example – I am a strong supporter of this major infrastructure project that will deliver huge commercial benefits to the whole nation. And I will be lobbying for the cancellation of this vanity project, it’ll never be delivered on time or on budget. What could be clearer?’
Fellow Tory buffoon Jacob Ree-Smogg came to Mr Fabricant’s aid: ‘I see nothing inconsistent in Michael’s position, it is entirely in alignment with my own. I whole heartedly support the PM and will campaign for her to be replaced at the earliest opportunity. More champers Nanny please!’
GP Dr Helen Stokes-Lampard commented: ‘I did perform a digital rectal exam on Mr Fabricant when he presented with symptoms of laryngitis, but I have never publicly disclosed the deterioration in his mental health. However, I guess the cat is out of the bag now. Or the box. If it was ever in there, dead or alive.’
Mr Fabricant has asked that constituents contact him by email or Twitter in future as he will no longer be accepting text messages.
Crematoria throughout the UK are preparing contingency plans to cope with an expected increased body count in the event of the UK delaying its exit from the EU beyond 29 March.
Paul Mycock is the operations manager of Lichfield & District Crematorium, he said: ‘We have been receiving reports from our suppliers in the Nearly Dead industry that the sick and elderly are so depressed by reports that Brexit may be delayed that they are giving up their tenuous hold on life. The old folks are just letting go. Good news for my productivity bonus though.’
Sundowner Nursing Home resident Myfanwy Hertz, 103, is on the Nearly Dead pathway, she commented: ‘I had planned to hold on until Wimbledon but if Article 50 is extended or revoked then I’m just going to end it here and now. I can’t stomach months of endless Brexit news and Andy Murray crying.
‘I have taken out a “Buy Now Die Later” plan with my lovely funeral director. I get a special discount if I kick it in the summer months, but it’s really not worth the wait. I voted Leave and now I’m off!’
The startling statistics have given a new impetus to the Remain camp who are hopeful that the Tory chaos will result in a second referendum. Remain MP Anna Soubry said: ‘If all the elderly Leavers top themselves over the next few weeks then that could swing a new vote in our favour. Now fuck off out of my face you Nazi.’
An Iranian based start up company has been awarded a lucrative Brexit ferry contract to cover the contingency of a No Deal exit from the EU on 29 March .
ShahBourne Freight Limited was incorporated at Companies House on 31 December 2018 with £1 paid-up share capital and with an Iranian swimmer and a Scouser disclosed as persons with significant control.
Transport Minister Chris Grayling announced the £14m contract whilst everyone was pissed on Christmas Eve. But he makes no apologies, he said:
‘I make no apologises, though I had hoped that no one would notice.
‘Despite the fact that the company was not formed until a week after we gave them the cash and that they have no published accounts or business plan, it is only right in this time of national crisis that we support British based start-up companies with no track record, even before they actually start up.
‘My department’s due diligence team has assured me that these are the people for the job. These entrepreneurs have been active in profitably ferrying “product” into the U.K. for a number of years, often in unseaworthy vessels far smaller than the ships that hope that they will be able to source by the end of March, or early July at the latest, or possibly September.
‘As a backup if ShahBourne Freight go under we can always call on the Royal Navy, they’ve got nothing else to do anyway’
ShahBourne director Mohammad Shah, 13, has been in the import-import business for over fifteen years, he said:
‘With the £14m contract from the Conservative party we hope to be able to provide some inflatable life jackets and provide pre-flight drinks for our customers in Calais. I trust that the French authorities will continue their support in getting our customers into British territorial waters as quickly as possible.’
Some cynical MPs suspect that the government may be using the incompetent Grayling and his ludicrous plans to terrorise them into voting for the PM’s Brexit Deal next week in the interests of public safety.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:
‘San Diego’s nice at this time of year isn’t it.’
Ed: What has this all got to do with Lichfield?!
FS: Nothing, but it’s never stopped the Lichfield Mercury.
Following Prime Minister Theresa May’s drive to garner support for her defunct Brexit Withdrawal Agreement by bestowing honours on potential supporters, Lichfield voters are petitioning for their MP to be made a Lord as soon as possible.
Burntwood health service worker Paul Mycock started the movement, he explained:
‘After the death this week of Conservative peer Baroness Trumpton and the knighthood of Tamworth MP Christopher “Bottom” Pincher, I conceived a plan that would rid us of our truculent member, a plan that his ego would find irresistible.
‘If we could persuade the PM offer him a peerage in return for his vote Fabricant would be unable to resist then he’d have to resign as our MP. Result. What a win win solution for all concerned.’
Not everyone is so enthusiastic about the premature ejaculation of Mr Fabricant into the upper echelons of British society. Long-time friend Andy Street is West Midlands Mayor. He said:
‘The plan was that when my term as Mayor ends in 2020, it would be general election time under the fixed term Parliament. Mike would retire and I would stand as candidate for Lichfield MP. Well, that was the plan, who knows when the next election will be now thanks to the incompetence of Mrs May.
‘But one thing’s for sure, if Mike becomes a Lord in the next few months I’m out of the game.
‘And that’s a shame, I’ve had my eye on Mike’s seat for years.’
Mr Fabricant was unavailable for comment as we went to press as he was trapped in a lift by Conservative Whips in a dummy run for 11 December.
Following Scotland Yard revelations that moped-based thieves are being deliberately rammed by police vehicles, Lichfield’s de facto police force, BID Beacon Street Runners, confirm that they are piloting plans to throw drunks into oncoming traffic outside The Brewhouse pub on Friday nights.
Steve Sargent is a volunteer badge seller in the city’s British Heart Foundation outlet during the week but at the weekend is a senior BIDBSR officer he said:
‘We have been very interested in the Met’s summary justice initiative. One of my colleagues is quite good at reading and has researched the background and success rate of the use of lethal force to combat mobile phone and handbag theft.
‘He reports that the tactic has had a big impact, especially if you can get them to bounce off the bonnet and roll under the front wheels of the squad car in front of a dashcam..
The vigilante force hopes that its new fully liveried look-alike police vehicle will be on the road early in the new year. Sergeant Sargent explained:
‘My driving test is booked for 23 January and I’m confident that I will pass, I’ve had plenty of driving experience as this will be my tenth attempt. If all goes well I expect to be driving over perps on Beacon Street well before Easter.’
Lichfield BID Chairman Paul “Mad Dog” Maddox is a former real police officer and sometime publican at Lichfield’s fine dining and drinking emporium The Scales. He often dons a police costume after kicking-out time to give moral support to the BIDBSR team.
‘Typically, I spend Saturday evening getting the local low life pissed and fighty. We encourage the passing trade to come into the bar so that the lads can ply them with drink in the hope of a shag. But I tell you, if the lads aren’t knuckle deep in filth by midnight they start getting a bit feisty so, provided that they’re all spent up, we kick’em out onto the street.
‘And that’s when the trouble starts. I leave the bar, change into my BIDBSR police costume and and join my colleagues on patrol in the city streets. Not all heros have a mask and a cape, but we do all have police replica hi-viz jackets and walkie-talkies.
‘I have a talent, almost a sixth sense, for spotting drunks that have been pouring their kids child support into my tills all night. This city deserves better than this, we need to rid our streets of this scum after closing time (04:00 at weekends). Especially if they’re from Brownhills. That’s why I am supporting this new MPS vigilante initiative.
‘I swear to God, during the festive season any drunks that BIDBSR arrest will be dragged out of town and thrown under the wheels of the nearest white cab being driven by those guys from Wolverhampton.’
Lichfield Late Night Listeners will be providing sweet tea and support for any injured drunks awaiting an ambulance.
In a dramatic move renegade Conservative ex-councilor Joanne Grange is standing in the Stowe ward by-election as her alter ego, the ‘70’s Labour activist Don Palmer.
Ms Granger commented:
‘It’s an open secret in my family that at the weekends I will often don a donkey jacket, pull on a pair of monkey boots and head into town for a chat and a few pints with the local common folk. I’ve found that the lads in Scales and the Angel are more prepared to listen to the rantings of Don, the left wing bloke from the ’70’s than the insane ramblings of a middle-aged, middle-class Tory NIMBY.’
Joe Grange quit the Tory-controlled Lichfield District Council and tore up her Conservative entitlement card after criticising the way planning rules are being applied. Local planning officer Paul Mycock spoke to 5SL off the record, he said:
‘We cracked open a bottle of Newkie Brown in the office when we heard that Cllr Grange-Hill had resigned. She was a typical newly-elected councillor, thinking that she could change decades of institutionalised incompetence overnight. A real pain in the arse to be honest. We didn’t expect it of a Conservative councillor, most of them either don’t turn up or nod through Cabinet decisions or just simply nod-off.’
Acting Council Leader Mike Wilcox has recently returned to “work” after a period of compassionate leave following the untimely death of his own alter ego the Chuckle Brothers, Barry Chuckle.
‘I very much regret that Jo has resigned as councillor, if only she had tried to contact me and opened a dialogue, a meeting or an email would have sufficed. And, if she had, which she didn’t, if only I had replied, then all of this nonsense could have been avoided.
‘I would have explained to her that as a Conservative councillor your job is to turn up (optional), vote for everything I say and collect your expenses. How difficult can that be? I did notice that she appeared at a recent planning meeting after resigning, that is most unwelcome and evidence of mental instability. However I wish Don well in the bi-election.
‘And yes, I miss Barry.’
District Council Labour group leader Cllr Sue Norman was delighted to to discover that candidate Don Palmer is none other than Tory blue rinse Joanne Grange. She said:
‘Does anyone remember that I was a close adviser to Tony Blair back in the day?
‘Back in the day when Labour was a credible, electable, socially liberal and progressive party? Remember that? No, neither do I.
‘Anyway, we are a Broadchurch, if the only way Labour can win an election is to embrace a transitioning Conservative then so be it.
‘If it’s good enough for Dr Who it’s good enough for me.’
The full list of candidates for the 27 September 2018 poll is available somewhere else.