Month: October 2015

Friarsgate development traffic congestion solved by designating access roads as car parks

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The new Friarsgate development will not add to congestion in Lichfield, it has been claimed.+

On road car parks proposed
On road car parks proposed

In a joint statement Lichfield District Council leader Mike Chuckle and joint venture partners LegoLand and Bang Olufsen chief executive Jorgen Turdskorp said:

‘We are in the process of piecing together the final blocks of this exciting new development. Central to the design strategy will be the need to improve congestion in the City.

‘Our proposal is for Birmingham Road, St John Street and Upper St John Street to be converted into permanent car park facilities, The space previously earmarked for a multi-story car park could then be more profitably utilised.’

Local self-styled councillors-in-exile, BSTARDS, based in Beacon Street, welcomed the plans. Interferer-in-chief, 87 year-old Sidney Sprite commented:

‘BSTARDS welcomes any innovative solution to the city’s problems that don’t involve Beacon Street.

‘Converting City Centre roads into car parks is a no brainer. Most people won’t notice the difference as traffic is stationary on these roads for the best part of the day anyway.’

One suggestion for the top deck of the newly available multi-storey car park has come from local ambulance chief Andy Lance he said: helic

‘I propose that the Midlands Air Ambulance be permanently stationed on the top deck of the car park site. This will save vital minutes in helicopter deployment to scoop up victims of road carnage which is a daily event on the A38 around the City.’

The possible release of the proposed site for alternative uses has also attracted the attention of local God-botherers. The Burntwood Church of the Inexplicable having taken on that town’s defunct No.7 Club (now the rebranded  No.Heaven Club) Pastor Sandy and his sister and wife Liz have turned their attention to the City.

Pastor Sandy said:
‘As the lightning flashes from west to east so shall be the coming of Jesus to smite the moneylenders and fornicators within the Wall.

‘Coffee mornings Wednesday at 10.30, all welcome.’

Cllr Chuckle added:

‘This has been a momentous week in local politics, not only have we solved the traffic flow problems through the City centre by declaring all former access roads to be car parks, but by rejecting the invitation of the Socialist Militant Trotskyist Corbynista Councils to join the West Midland Combined Authority, we have jettisoned all hope of inward investment in local transport and economic development for a generation.

‘But on the plus side we’ve still got The Garrick.’

Mike Wilcox
Mike Wilcox
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Handy list of popular fly-tipping sites published by Lichfield District Council

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Lichfield District Council has produced a list of the top 12 most popular rubbish dumping locations in the district, with Chorley coming in first position with no less that five of the top 12 slots.

Burntwood furniture shop
Burntwood furniture shop

Self-employed caravan dweller Mickey O’Connell said:

‘This is great news, so it is. I’ve just recently moved into the area and started up a house and garden clearance business. This Council report has saved me hours of research and a fortune in pink diesel.

‘With the evenings drawing in now it’s really handy to have a carefully selected list of excellent areas where I can drive and dump my load.’

The report entitled “Fly-tipping” has been compiled by council officer J R Hartley for consideration at tonight’s meeting of the Leisure, Parks and Waste Management (Overlook any Scrutiny) Committee.

The Committee will also be considering available options to abandon the Council’s involvement in local Parks and Open Spaces. In a separate F4F (“Fucked for the Foreseeable”) Service Review paper one of the proposals is for the sale of various facilities.

Committee member Cllr Sue Norman said:

‘Whilst wishing to secure a Waste Recycling Site for Burntwood I totally reject the proposal to sell-off Redwood Wildlife Park and Zoo to private waste site operators.’

Local Waste operator Rob Pass disagrees:

‘Redwood is already treated by the locals as a tip so the proposal makes perfect sense. In fact it would be a positive improvement as we wouldn’t accept dog shite and drug addicts.’

Any councillors who can read and wish to consider the reports or any local resident looking to discard that unwanted sofa with impunity should go here .