Month: January 2019
A controversial proposal to overcome the Brexit deadlock emerged over the weekend in a Lichfield pub. Regular drunks in the Kings Head came up with the solution late on Saturday night following a wide-ranging debate about the Villa and the unreasonable expectations of their respective wives and girlfriends.
Local plumber Paul Mycock commented: ‘Now I don’t profess to know anything about Brexit, but I do know that Theresa May’s a traitor and that, as it stands, her Withdrawal Agreement is a complete betrayal of the referendum result.
‘When I voted Leave, I voted to abolish free movement of people into our country from India and Pakistan and to take back control of our convenience shops and hospitals. The government needs to deliver on that vote. Do they think we’re all stupid or what?’
Former Birmingham pub-goer Paddy McGuinness explained that the problem with the Withdrawal Agreement relates to the treatment of the Northern Ireland border with the Republic.
He said: ‘The lads weren’t very interested in the detail to be honest until they noticed BBC News reporting a car bomb in what is incorrectly called Londonderry.
‘Then Cocky pipes up “What’s the fecking point of Northern Ireland anyway?” It was like a light had been switched on. Everyone agreed that the solution to the Brexit impasse was to hand over Northern Ireland to the Republic. Border problem sorted.
‘I could barely contain myself, who’d have thought that the Conservative Party would have done more for the Republican cause in two years than Sinn Fein managed in half a century.’
Westgate Medical Practice’s celebrity doctor “Prof” Helen Stokes-Lampard (f) is concerned that the local member’s voting record, in what has been a tumultuous shitfest of a week in British politics, exhibits symptoms of the so-called Schrodinger’s Member Syndrome (SMS).
Dr Hilary said: ’My intimate knowledge of my patient coupled with my bourgeoning media career has given me ample opportunity to observe Michael in his natural habitat in Westminster. SMS is a psychological condition, little-known outside of the Parliamentary estate, enabling a politician to simultaneously hold two contradictory views of reality without any discernible internal conflict.’
On Tuesday evening Mr Fabricant was instrumental in delivering an historically humiliating defeat to his own Tory government when he voted against the Withdrawal Agreement.
On Wednesday evening he joined his fellow Tory raft-clingers and gave his whole-hearted support to the Tory government in a No Confidence vote.
Mr Fabricant commented: ‘On Tuesday evening Mrs May was a treacherous Remainer who is failing to deliver the will of the British people. On Wednesday evening the PM was the most glorious leader this country has seen since Mrs Thatcher during the Falklands War. What’s the problem?
‘And, in common with Westgate, I’ve no idea who this Dr Strobes is. She most certainly has never entered me, nor me her. Obviously.
‘But let’s not confuse my ability to see all sides of an argument as being a symptom of this SMS. Forget Brexit and consider my unequivocal position on HS2 for example – I am a strong supporter of this major infrastructure project that will deliver huge commercial benefits to the whole nation. And I will be lobbying for the cancellation of this vanity project, it’ll never be delivered on time or on budget. What could be clearer?’
Fellow Tory buffoon Jacob Ree-Smogg came to Mr Fabricant’s aid: ‘I see nothing inconsistent in Michael’s position, it is entirely in alignment with my own. I whole heartedly support the PM and will campaign for her to be replaced at the earliest opportunity. More champers Nanny please!’
GP Dr Helen Stokes-Lampard commented: ‘I did perform a digital rectal exam on Mr Fabricant when he presented with symptoms of laryngitis, but I have never publicly disclosed the deterioration in his mental health. However, I guess the cat is out of the bag now. Or the box. If it was ever in there, dead or alive.’
Mr Fabricant has asked that constituents contact him by email or Twitter in future as he will no longer be accepting text messages.
Crematoria throughout the UK are preparing contingency plans to cope with an expected increased body count in the event of the UK delaying its exit from the EU beyond 29 March.
Paul Mycock is the operations manager of Lichfield & District Crematorium, he said: ‘We have been receiving reports from our suppliers in the Nearly Dead industry that the sick and elderly are so depressed by reports that Brexit may be delayed that they are giving up their tenuous hold on life. The old folks are just letting go. Good news for my productivity bonus though.’
Sundowner Nursing Home resident Myfanwy Hertz, 103, is on the Nearly Dead pathway, she commented: ‘I had planned to hold on until Wimbledon but if Article 50 is extended or revoked then I’m just going to end it here and now. I can’t stomach months of endless Brexit news and Andy Murray crying.
‘I have taken out a “Buy Now Die Later” plan with my lovely funeral director. I get a special discount if I kick it in the summer months, but it’s really not worth the wait. I voted Leave and now I’m off!’
The startling statistics have given a new impetus to the Remain camp who are hopeful that the Tory chaos will result in a second referendum. Remain MP Anna Soubry said: ‘If all the elderly Leavers top themselves over the next few weeks then that could swing a new vote in our favour. Now fuck off out of my face you Nazi.’
An Iranian based start up company has been awarded a lucrative Brexit ferry contract to cover the contingency of a No Deal exit from the EU on 29 March .
ShahBourne Freight Limited was incorporated at Companies House on 31 December 2018 with £1 paid-up share capital and with an Iranian swimmer and a Scouser disclosed as persons with significant control.
Transport Minister Chris Grayling announced the £14m contract whilst everyone was pissed on Christmas Eve. But he makes no apologies, he said:
‘I make no apologises, though I had hoped that no one would notice.
‘Despite the fact that the company was not formed until a week after we gave them the cash and that they have no published accounts or business plan, it is only right in this time of national crisis that we support British based start-up companies with no track record, even before they actually start up.
‘My department’s due diligence team has assured me that these are the people for the job. These entrepreneurs have been active in profitably ferrying “product” into the U.K. for a number of years, often in unseaworthy vessels far smaller than the ships that hope that they will be able to source by the end of March, or early July at the latest, or possibly September.
‘As a backup if ShahBourne Freight go under we can always call on the Royal Navy, they’ve got nothing else to do anyway’
ShahBourne director Mohammad Shah, 13, has been in the import-import business for over fifteen years, he said:
‘With the £14m contract from the Conservative party we hope to be able to provide some inflatable life jackets and provide pre-flight drinks for our customers in Calais. I trust that the French authorities will continue their support in getting our customers into British territorial waters as quickly as possible.’
Some cynical MPs suspect that the government may be using the incompetent Grayling and his ludicrous plans to terrorise them into voting for the PM’s Brexit Deal next week in the interests of public safety.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:
‘San Diego’s nice at this time of year isn’t it.’
Ed: What has this all got to do with Lichfield?!
FS: Nothing, but it’s never stopped the Lichfield Mercury.