Staffordshire

Lichfield Round Table to fold in the wake of Presidents Club scandal?

Posted on

The future of men-only clubs has been called into question following events at the scandal-hit Presidents Club charity evening in London last week.

Revelations that 130 well-paid adult women voluntarily subjected themselves to the drunken, sexually repressed antics of sildenafil-stoked obese rich men at the charity event has called into question the future of men-only clubs like Lichfield Round Table.

Round Table is a Club exclusively for men under the age of 45 who don’t know enough senior police officers to be invited to join the Masons. The Lichfield club meets twice a month to discuss clay pigeon shooting, according to its recruitment literature.

But not everyone is convinced by this facade. Former wife of a Tabler, 28-year-old Myfanwy Hertz is a self-employed business consultant, she explained:

‘I’m self-employed because I’m a successful independent woman who no-one else is prepared to employ.

‘I recommend self-employment to all those young women who will be losing their well paid jobs to satisfy my feminist fundamentalism.’

She believes that the days of men-only clubs are numbered, she said:

‘These enclaves of misogyny and sexism have had their day, it’s no longer acceptable in our free, liberal society for groups of like-minded guys to get together over a pint, claiming to discuss clay pigeon shooting and the most effective way to commit suicide.

‘Does anyone genuinely believe that? No, all they do is get drunk and moan about their wives and girlfriends and snigger about what they would like to do with the barmaid, given half an erection. I find it offensive and Round Table should be closed down.

‘And that bitch behind the bar at the Bowling Green can do one as well.’

Talking to BBC Radio 5Live’s Saturday Breakfast, diminutive local travel agent Richard “Dick” Holland,14, defended the traditions of the men-only Round Table movement, he said:

‘Round Table is a Club for young men under the age of 45, we meet up a couple of times a month to talk about clay pigeon shooting and practice techniques for talking fellow club members down from the roof.

‘It’s all about having a chat and a laugh and relaxing in male company away from the pressures of making the evening meal and putting the kids to bed

‘But it’s not all about us, we have a sister organisation for the girls, called ‘The Ladies Ring’, which is focussed on monthly get togethers to dress in pink and discuss knitting and baking. Nothing sexist about that I think you’ll agree.’

Mx Hertz listened in to the broadcast in the hair salon where she was preparing for a Ladies Night out at Lichfield’s new Cougar Club, she said:

‘Well I’m delighted, Dick makes the Round Table sound so dull I think it’ll die of natural causes without my help.

‘I like mine black with a big one’, she laughed, shouting her coffee order across the salon.

Anyone who would like to hear Richard Holland fall from his high chair during the interview can catch it here for a limited time

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09nvq59

From 43 minutes

Advertisements

“Set fire to your house well before 8pm,” advises Lichfield fire chief

Posted on

Lichfield residents have been advised to set fire to their own homes well before 8pm if they are hoping for a response from Lichfield’s firefighters. Lichfield Fire Station manager Damian “Stretch” Armstrong said:

‘Lichfield Community Fire Station & Crèche is staffed throughout the day between 8am and 8pm. Any emergency calls outside of those hours may be covered by on-call firefighters from somewhere else in Staffordshire. So if you’re planning to torch the house or cause a major RTA for goodness sake do so well before 8pm.

‘Oh and try to avoid weekends and public holidays. And any particularly cold or wet days. Or any time during school holidays or major sporting events for that matter.’

Concern about lack of adequate cover for Lichfield has been highlighted by a delay of almost half an hour by fire crews responding to a 10.21pm alarm at David Garrick Gardens retirement homes. Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service said the nearest available crews were at a Christmas party in Rugeley at the time.

Local MP Michael Fabricant is not impressed, he said:

‘With any local issue my first question is “What does this mean to me?” Well my grace and favour luxury chambers in Cathedral Close are particularly vulnerable to fire, so I wrote to my office, made an appointment and raised my concerns with myself.

‘I have deep misgivings that the totally inadequate fire cover in Lichfield is entirely due to management incompetence and nothing whatsoever to do with my Government’s £5 million funding cuts.’

The Conservative Police & Crime Commissioner, Matthew Ellis agrees, he commented:

‘I should take control of the Fire service management as I’m looking to considerably enhance my already enormous salary. I’ve heard many people say “Fire Police & Crime Commissioner” in support of my proposal. I think that’s what they mean anyway.’

David Garrick Gardens resident Steve Applecox, 75, confessed that he had caused the fire scare, he explained:

‘I’d been drinking in the Dr Johnson pub since 5pm celebrating a goal by Lichfield FC. I staggered home about 10pm and fired up the deep fat fryer. Next thing I know the kitchen is alight and the alarm is blaring out, woke me up it did. And the lazy bastards didn’t turn up for half an hour.

‘I’ll be sure to get home pissed well before 8pm next weekend.’

Anyone wishing to organise an event at Lichfield Community Fire Station & Crèche should call 01785 898040

Friary School parents delighted by proposed parking restrictions on Eastern Avenue

Posted on

Staffordshire County Council proposals to set up of a ‘No Waiting At Any Time Restriction’ on Eastern Avenue between Monday-Friday outside The Friary School has been welcomed by many parents.

Lichfield mum Paulette Mycock spent hours over the Christmas period responding positively to the stealth consultation, she said:

‘This is great news, I need to be at work for 9 every morning so time is short, there’ll be no arguing now when I have to drop the little brat off at Morrisons – he’ll just have to walk the rest of the way.’

Other parents don’t think that the restrictions will have any impact on their school run, local dad Peter Parker said:

‘To be honest, when I’m dropping off the kids I slow down to about 20mph (as the sign suggests) and just push them out. No parking, no waiting. They soon got the hang of it, and the odd twisted ankle is always a good excuse to miss games.’

However young mum Brittany Singleton is in Year 12 and is not impressed, she complained:

‘I live many miles away from school in Weston Road, if uncle can’t take me up any closer than Morrisons then I’ll have to walk the rest of the way. It’s a disgrace, I already have to walk there and back from school at lunchtimes for a fag and to gob-off at the pensioners.’

Head of Friary School Matt Allman has written a letter of objection to the County Council, he said:

‘This is a safety issue. We have a large catchment area and many children live up to half a mile away, how can these morbidly obese pupils be expected to walk to school and back every day?

‘Even for the able-bodied kids, many of them will have to cross through the Dimbles area risking exposure to 19th century diseases and abuse from the self-styled mushroom sellers living on the Bromford sink housing estate. It’s shameful.’

Anyone wishing participate in the consultation can find more information Here

Brexit creates record number of zero-hour jobs, claims Lichfield MP

Posted on

Lichfield member Michael Fabricant credited the Brexit effect with the creation of thousands of unpaid jobs after the number of “unemployed” within his Lichfield constituency fell to 0.9%.

The MP said:

‘I have to say, I completely agreed with the Chancellor Philip Hammond on the Andrew Marr show – there really is no unemployment in our country today. Most of the 0.9% are are accounted for by statistical error and the undeclared benefit fraud deceased relatives.

‘From where I’m sitting, by a raging log fire in the book-lined library of my grace and favour apartment in Cathedral Close, everyone who wants to work can work…now and again perhaps, maybe on short notice or not at all for a week or two. But nevertheless they are all not unemployed and certainly over Christmas in the service industries.’

Local tramp Paul Mycock has been sleeping rough with his partner and three kids in Burntwood’s Redwood Park & Zoo since Michael Fabricant was re-elected in 2015, he said:

‘Fabricant’s a great guy, totally committed to his constituents, especially here in Burntwood. If it wasn’t for his ceaseless campaigning we wouldn’t have a health centre here today.

‘Fab, as we call him, has single handedly reduced unemployment to 0.9% which I applaud. I’m now employed by Amazon in Rugeley – last week I was called in at short notice in the middle of the night to do two three-hour shifts and at the full minimum wage rates, I’m so grateful.’

‘They even lay on the Amazon bus to pick us up, it’s warm and dry and I can get a few minutes kip, I love it and all thanks to the valiant efforts of Mr Fabricant. I’m so pleased I’m not to be one of the 0.9%’s, if I was we’d all really be in the shit.’

Mr Fabricant responded:

‘Although, as a resident of Burntwood, Mr Mycock is not a constituent, I am delighted that he acknowledges that securing six hours work last week at the minimum wage means that he is not unemployed.

‘And anyone who suggests otherwise can expect to receive a writ for defamation. Zero tolerance now, anyone accusing me of repeating what I’ve said in the past will get writ….or a punch in the throat.’

FSL has submitted a FOI request for the statistics relating to fluctuations in benefits claims and calls on food banks by working families during this unprecedented period of 0.9% unemployment period.

Lichfield Bus Station to get a new shopping trolley bay

Posted on


Lichfield District Council Planning Committee has approved plans this evening (21 August) for a new shopping trolley bay in the middle of the bus station car park.

Local supermarket shopper Pawelek Mycock welcomed the decision, he said:

‘I welcome the decision, many a time I have had to struggle down from Tesco to catch the bus with half a dozen carrier bags stuffed with discounted loaves on a Sunday afternoon. I’ll be able to take a trolley now and park it in the new bay. It’ll work great with bags full of rancid fruit and vege on the night as well.’

The planning application was submitted by Friarsgate virtual developer U+I Group, its deputy CEO and Leader of Lichfield District Council Richard Upton commented:

‘We could see an immediate need to support the local community and provide a safe drop off point for stolen supermarket trollies where your Erdington grooming gangs could deposit unconscious Lichfield girls before catching the train home.

‘Anyone who suggests that this planning application is a cynical move to give the impression that we are pressing ahead with our development plans is mistaken. We already did that when we closed Tempest Ford, threw 24 workers out of a job prematurely and created a derelict site at the City gateway.

‘And just to be on the safe side we’ve submitted another application to move around some parking spaces.’

Friarsgate Shopping Center is expected to open to the public in Spring 2030. 

Lichfield MP commends PM’s two year extension to his guaranteed salary 

Posted on

Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant welcomed PM Theresa May’s announcement that the Labour Party will be consigned to history in time for the summer recess. 


Mr Fabricant who was preparing to retire in 2020 now welcomes the opportunity to earn over £76,000 pa plus expenses for an additional two years. He said:

‘I welcome the PM’s bold announcement that was endorsed by a huge majority vote in the Commons. This will undoubtedly secure my place in Lichfield life for another five years. My position is unassailable and no opponent stands a chance, so I say don’t waste your £500 on the deposit, donate it to Lichfield Cathedral and help to keep my rent down.’

Cowed by the colossal Member, only one opponent has so far declared his candidacy. Lib Dem Paul Ray, a long-time loser in the public popularity stakes having chosen to be both a lawyer and a banking specialist, is an early tosser, his hat landing firmly in the ring. Mr Ray, known in District Council circles as X-Ray due to his level of invisibility at Council meetings, said:

‘[BLOCKED]’

The identity of the Labour candidate remains uncertain. Labour’s Mr Chris Whoishey who stood in the 2015 general election refused to be drawn, blaming satnav malfunctions for being unable to visit the constituency from his home somewhere in the Black Country. He said:

‘…………….’

District councillor Sue Woodward has been inundated with emails, texts and tweets urging her to stand as Labour’s candidate. Despite being recently distracted by an irritating burning bush on Gentleshaw Common Mrs Norman has found time to treat herself to a makeover and has become a fluent French speaker. She said:

‘Le Fabricunt! Il est un tas de merde!’


Having yet to be formally selected by his local constituency party, Mr Fabricant expressed concerns about the outcome of the West Midlands Mayoral election on 4 May where his long time chum Andy Street is the Conservative candidate. Mr Fabricant said:

‘The BBC hustings on Thursday evening showed the fraudster Simone Simone to be head and shoulders above the diminutive Andy despite Andy being way ahead on my poll. 

‘If Andy doesn’t get elected on 4 May he’ll be unemployed and I know he’s had his eye on my seat for years.’

Police appeal for help to trace missing Lichfield District Council

Posted on

Staffordshire Police is appealing for the help of the public to trace a District Council from Lichfield.

Lichfield District Council was last seen functioning in the Lichfield area in the run up to local and parliamentary elections in May 2015. It was reported missing to Staffordshire Police after it failed to attend the annual meeting with Bromford Housing Association on February 28.

Meeting Room
Full Council meeting with Bromford Housing Association

Former Council leader Cllr. Mike Wilcox said:

‘I have been concerned about the Council’s erratic behaviour for some time, it’s not the first time that it’s gone missing. Like any loving parent I’ve ranted and raved when it’s gone AWOL but it makes no difference. I’ve tried emailing and making appeals on local and social media, but nothing.’

Equally concerned is Lichfield Chain Gang chairman Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd, he said:

‘I was only going to one civic event this year in my council tax payers’ chauffeur driven limousine, imagine my disappointment when the Council snubbed the event. It is with huge regret and a heavy heart that my one and only civic event of the year has had to be cancelled.’

Sir Kenneth Dodd
Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd: ‘Is it me?’

Cllr. Dodd added that he still hoped to raise some money for Free Spirit charity by raffling off prizes that had already been donated.

‘I’m literally flogging a dead horse,’ he exclaimed.

Investigating officer Insp Paul Mycock, based at Lichfield’s virtual reality police station, said:

‘If anyone has seen Lichfield District Council, or has any information which they think could help us to find it, I would urge them to contact us as soon as possible.

‘LDC, if you see this appeal, please get in touch to let us know that you are safe and well.’

The Local Government Boundary Commission was already considering to proposals to reduce the number of district councillors from 47 to 13 to reflect the pathetic extent of councillor engagement in representing their constituents.

FiveSpiresLive has not attempted to contact anyone for comment.