Month: September 2014
SANDWELL Parliamentary candidate Chris Worsey held a press conference at the Labour Party Conference in Manchester earlier this week to explain his sudden change in appearance.
Sporting what appeared to be a manley “full set” beard and moustache, Mr Worsey explained:
‘Since my selection earlier this year I have been ceaselessly campaigning on the streets of Great Barr to overthrow the middle class smug tyranny of the Lichfield incumbent Conservative Mikhail Fabricuntio. But my message has been lost in the curse of our modern age, lost in the hideous cult of my own celebrity.
‘Day after day, at every meeting I have attended, I’ve been swamped by the public, young and old; drunk on the desire for change but so overwhelmed by my personality that core Labour policies are being overlooked. Policies on the deficit and immigration for example, although admittedly easily forgotten.’
Mr Worsey grew his beard over the summer following his wedding to teacher Mrs Worsey, pledging not to shave again until elected to Parliament.
‘With this beard I have, at last, been able to pass amongst you on the streets of the Fabled City unrecognised, promising the earth with the impunity of the unelectable and no one would ever know that I’d bothered to visit the place at all.’
Political commentators have suggested that there may be some symbolism in the facial growth, coming as it does up against the cranial weave of the current member Mr Fabricuntio.
Local political pundit Gary Thompson, formerly of The Malt bar and restaurant said:
‘The symbolism is clear after a couple of Jager bombs – the hair on the chin opposes the hair on the head, the dark opposes the blonde, the real opposes the enhanced. Cheers!’
Lichfield Mercury editor Gary Phelps commented:
‘What I want to know is – what are the implications of Chris Worsey’s facial hair for HS2?
‘Why not write to us with your inane thoughts?
‘Looking to buy or rent a new house, why not trawl through our defunct property pages?’
Mrs Worsey is delighted by her husband’s new look, she said :
‘I think it’s great, now there’s no chance that Chris will be recognised within the Wall. And I don’t care what anyone else says, I love a man with a slightly odd beard.
‘Yes, take me Leonardo DiCaprio, take me hard.’
Beast of Bolsover, Dennis Skinner added:
‘Fuck off, I’m not your father either, you middle class ponce.’
Chris Worsey confidently expects to shave again in 2025.
THE Mayor of Lichfield Councillor Nora Bacon was at The Saxon Penny pub on Lichfield’s Darwin Park last week for a VIP tasting night.
Pub manager Steven Baxter,63, said:
‘We’re happy that the pizzas seem to be going down a treat tonight and I’d like to give a special thank you to Domino’s Pizza who have made the pizzas to order before handing them over to local cabbie Councillor Brian Bacon for express delivery to the pub. I think we got away with it.’
Domino’s were delighted to be able to help out. Manager Paul Acne,17, said:
‘We were able to take the orders by phone, prepare and deliver the pizzas to the Saxon Penny before the the pub staff would normally have taken the customers drinks order.’
‘Not only did the Domino’s delivery improve our service levels but it also meant that we didn’t have to turn on the new pizza oven tonight’
Problems started as soon as the new oven had been installed, once fired up it gave off strong “straight from the factory” odours and the poor ventilation meant that the pub was full of fumes.
Local gourmet Richard Richardson recently bought one of the houses opposite which were heavily discounted during the pub’s construction period, he said:
‘I soon got used to the fumes as I’m in here two or three times a day. The kids love it, we don’t mind being corralled into the family eating and play area. The new oven seems to vent into this area, I was a little concerned at first but when I noticed the drowsiness, dizziness, confusion, headache, and fast-approaching unconsciousness I thought “result” – the kids slept right through the night and I didn’t have to drink six pints of Peroni to achieve the same effect.’
Head chef Carl House said:
‘On the whole I think that its been a great success, with some modifications we’re hoping that the level of fumes will reduce before we have to close all the doors and windows for winter.
‘In the meantime, can I recommend our specialty Greek style pizza Hypercapnia with all the potential toppings.’
Manager Steven added:
‘Our new kitchen has certainly added a sense of theatre to the dining occasion. I’m sure that the Mayor enjoyed the experience. She was joined by Cllr Bacon after he finished his driving shift. They each ordered our “This Little Piggy” pizza – ham and mozzarella with extra toppings of smoky bacon and sausage.’
Anyone fancying a Saxon Penny pizza can place an order direct from the Domino’s website http://www.dominos.co.uk
LICHFIELD commuters have complained to London Midland about the passenger lift at Lichfield City railway station.
Lisa Reilly is a graduate trainee with international accountancy firm Ernst & Young in Birmingham She said:
‘I travel on the Cross City line to and from Birmingham every working day. Some evenings I attend networking events that involve drinking copious amounts of alcohol and by the time I reach Lichfield I’m busting for a wee.’
Toilets at Lichfield City railway station have recently had to be closed because drunks and drug addicts keep leaving them filthy and littered with dangerous needles.
‘Since the station toilets have been closed and the train toilets are often out of order or nonexistent, I’ve had no alternative but to relieve myself in the station lift. The problem is that it only takes the lift 28 seconds to descend to the ground floor; but it takes a good 45 seconds to stoop, pull my panties aside and spray in the corner. It can be a real embarrassment when those doors open.’
London Midland, which runs the Birmingham Road station, has had 27 individual complaints about the inadequate facilities and said it would be “irresponsible” not to take action to extend the time of the lift’s descent.
Spokesman Joan Cassie said:
‘As a lady commuter myself I understand only too well the embarrasment that can be caused by going down too quickly after a few drinks.
‘There is no statutory requirement to provide toilets at railway stations but we are looking into the feasibility of providing shoe-drying facilities in the ticket office.’
Ms Reilly also complained about the attitude of some station staff, she said :
‘That Scottish guy can be a right grumpy bastard, huffing and puffing over his mop and bucket.’
Anyone who wishes to complain about the toilet facilities at Lichfield City can tweet London Midland @LondonMidland
HOLIDAY in Portugal and Cornwall this summer a long lost memory?
Wondering what’s been happening in the Cathedral City whilst you’ve been away?
Hanging onto the tail-end of summer before the glorious finale of ‘Jerusalem’ and the fireworks of Saturday’s Proms in the Park?
Dreading the inevitable mirthless descent towards Christless?
Well don’t worry, we’ve been keeping an eye on things from a suitably tropical distance whilst you’ve had better things to do.
And here’s some of the best bits:
Lichfield District Council in cash-grab from council taxpayers’ bank accounts
LICHFIELD District Council raided local council taxpayers bank accounts on 13 August.
The unscheduled Council Tax direct debit payment at the height of the summer holiday season came as an unexpected knockout blow for many cash-strapped locals. A council spokesman said at the time:
‘Never mind, payment by direct debit remains the most simple, convenient and safe way for us to steal your money.
‘We would like to thank you for continuing to pay by this method and thereby avoiding that knock on the door by our over-enthusiastic bailiffs. Please enjoy what’s left of your miserable holiday, sorry the kids can’t eat this week.’
If you would like to discuss any of the points raised, please contact the Council Tax Billing Team on 01543 308882/3/4 who will be unable to help you with your account.
Unemployed Londoners occupy the roof of a Shenstone factory in random show of support of Palestinians
MEMBERS of the London Palestine Action Group occupied a camp on top of the UAV Engines factory in Shenstone.
The group claimed that the Israeli owned company makes engines for Israeli drones.
The company spokesman said:
‘We have owned this land since we stole it from the Lammas Land Trust in 1948 as compensation for the atrocities committed against weapons manufacturers throughout our history. The unlawful occupation of the factory roof by these lowlife gentiles threaten the security of the region, their porridge eating and first floor defecating is a cause of great concern to the local commuters who congregate in The Plough each evening to pass judgement on the ‘lowers’ of the village.’
The siege was eventually ended as a police drone helicopter approached menacingly out of the early evening sun from within the Wall. Powered by a UAV engine the drone videoed the removal of the protesters from the roof by officers on the ground.
Tempted down by a promise of hot pork baguettes and bottles of merlot, ‘Palestinian’ leader Pete ‘Swampy’ Smith commented:
‘By allowing this factory to export drone components to Israel, the UK Government is providing direct support and approval to Israel’s massacres.
‘We demand the permanent closure of the factory and an end to all forms of military trade and co-operation with Israel.
‘But alternatively,if you could just pay for our train fares back to Brighton we’ll be off.’
Outside the factory supporters of the protest massed in their 10’s.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:
‘By a quirk of boundaries Shenstone is not within my constituency, just like Burntwood. But had it have been I would have commented:
‘It is an outrage that the factory roof has been occupied and is a threat to the rest of the premises. I wholeheartedly support the Company should it choose to annihilate those concerned. There will of course be collateral damage to the roof but his can be repaired over the next 20 years by you, the taxpayers, with aid funded by humanitarian appeals on TV for just £3 a month.’
Councillor cleans up local wildlife park
CELEBRITY granny, Councillor Sue Woodward spent her summer holiday litter picking in the former Redwood Park.
Following questions from locals asking if the Park had been designated as the new Burntwood Tip Councillor Woodward commented:
‘No, Redwood Park is not the new tip. We have spent the past few weeks collecting old fag packets, crisp wrappers, chip papers, condoms and the like from the hedgerows. Dog shit has been a significant problem but with the help of JCB from the People’s Republic of Uttoxeter this has also been removed.’
Looking to the future, newly appointed Burntwood Town Council enforcer Steve Lightfoot commented:
‘We are confident that the park will be designated, not as a tip, but as a Wildlife Park, being home, as it is, for all sorts of local wildlife who may find living in a traditional housing a little too challenging.’
Burntwood MP Michael Fabricant gets a bloody nose
FORMER member for Burntwood, Michael Fabricant spent the summer Parliamentary recess addressing the pressing concerns of his constituents.
Whilst the lack of a Burntwood Health Centre debacle continued, Mr Fabricant lobbied against the unusual issue of discrimination against gay men in their right to donate blood.
In an article in the Guardian Mr Fabricant said:
‘It’s so unfair, if a promiscuous heterosexual man having unsafe sex is allowed to donate blood why shouldn’t the rules be applied equally to a promiscuous gay man having unsafe sex.’
Local gay Guy D Hiscock commented:
‘To be frank, if you ask me there are far more important discrimination issues that need tackling than equality in blood donation. But on the other hand, the prospect of feeling a quick prick followed by ten minutes of a rhythmic throbbing is quite appealing now you mention it.’
When not campaigning for the right to donate bodily fluids indiscriminately, the honourable member was upping his campaign for the blood of the cuckolded midget Speaker Bercow.
Alas another campaign of no interest or significance to his loyal Burntwood constituents.
‘A’ Level results day ‘just an excuse to perv over teenage girls’
A GROUP of unattractive, unqualified and underemployed Lichfield ladies complained about the media coverage of our local schools’ ‘A’ level results.
Vicky Pearce of Lichfield Ladies Circle said:
‘We all pretend to be friends and entertain ourselves with baking and knitting whilst our ‘men’ are out having fantastic archery and real ale evenings and driving round in their fully-liveried Mitsubishi Priapic RotundTable car.
‘But then every summer, to add insult to injury, we have to put up with pages of filth in the Lichfield Mercury and that on-line rag ‘Lichfield Died’ following on from ‘A’ Level results day.
‘Page after page of young fit attractive flat-stomached girls jumping in the air, vibrant and full of life, it’s an absolute disgrace.’
Lichfield Died’s football correspondent, former celebrity skateboarder Ross Hawkes defended the coverage:
‘Every year we get sent dozens of photographs on results day by our local schools. We just choose to publish the ones where the kids seem to be having the most fun, just so long as it’s a group of flat-stomached well-endowed hotties. Frankly I’m not bothered what grades they’ve got, as far as I’m concerned everyone’s a winner!
‘The rest I leave for my mate Phil.’
Staffordshire Police become online lingerie salesmen
DESIGNER clothes bought by ball-achingly beautiful Lichfield mom Michaela Hutchings were put up for auction on e-Bay by Staffordshire Police.
Ms Hutchings had been innocently sent an unsolicited gift of £50,000 by the financially incompetent Lichfield District Council and then promptly convicted of dishonesty.
Kayla said :
‘Without prejudice, my understanding of the legal position is that under the provisions of the Unsolicited Goods and Services Act 1971 (as amended), any received monies can be retained as an unconditional gift. As the receiver, so to speak, I had no obligation to return the gift… sorted.’
Mickey spent a modest £7,000 of the LDC’s generosity buying luxury goods by Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Ralph Lauren and Dior, amongst other brands. She generously gave £1,000 to her mum before wisely investing £40,000 for the future in a savings account.
The designer clothes were seized and put up for sale on-line by Staffordshire Police in a bid to recoup some of the £51,006.55 confiscation order.
‘There really was no need for a confiscation order, as soon as I realised the mistake I agreed to give the money back, but it was tied up in a tax-free ISA with interest penalties for early withdrawal. And that’s not something I’m keen on – early withdrawal, so to speak, to be honest.’
Staffordshire PCC Matthew Ellis said :
‘All of these items were genuine, purchased at full retail price in High Street stores and were seized the day after purchase and I for one am delighted to have been the successful bidder for a nearly-new pair of Paramour panties.’
Labour Parliamentary Candidate gets married
LABOUR Parliamentary Candidate Chris Whoishey got married and went on honeymoon, somewhere.
‘Thanks for asking anyway. Maybe see you again in 2020?’