Following Prime Minister Theresa May’s drive to garner support for her defunct Brexit Withdrawal Agreement by bestowing honours on potential supporters, Lichfield voters are petitioning for their MP to be made a Lord as soon as possible.
Burntwood health service worker Paul Mycock started the movement, he explained:
‘After the death this week of Conservative peer Baroness Trumpton and the knighthood of Tamworth MP Christopher “Bottom” Pincher, I conceived a plan that would rid us of our truculent member, a plan that his ego would find irresistible.
‘If we could persuade the PM offer him a peerage in return for his vote Fabricant would be unable to resist then he’d have to resign as our MP. Result. What a win win solution for all concerned.’
Not everyone is so enthusiastic about the premature ejaculation of Mr Fabricant into the upper echelons of British society. Long-time friend Andy Street is West Midlands Mayor. He said:
‘The plan was that when my term as Mayor ends in 2020, it would be general election time under the fixed term Parliament. Mike would retire and I would stand as candidate for Lichfield MP. Well, that was the plan, who knows when the next election will be now thanks to the incompetence of Mrs May.
‘But one thing’s for sure, if Mike becomes a Lord in the next few months I’m out of the game.
‘And that’s a shame, I’ve had my eye on Mike’s seat for years.’
Mr Fabricant was unavailable for comment as we went to press as he was trapped in a lift by Conservative Whips in a dummy run for 11 December.
Following Scotland Yard revelations that moped-based thieves are being deliberately rammed by police vehicles, Lichfield’s de facto police force, BID Beacon Street Runners, confirm that they are piloting plans to throw drunks into oncoming traffic outside The Brewhouse pub on Friday nights.
Steve Sargent is a volunteer badge seller in the city’s British Heart Foundation outlet during the week but at the weekend is a senior BIDBSR officer he said:
‘We have been very interested in the Met’s summary justice initiative. One of my colleagues is quite good at reading and has researched the background and success rate of the use of lethal force to combat mobile phone and handbag theft.
‘He reports that the tactic has had a big impact, especially if you can get them to bounce off the bonnet and roll under the front wheels of the squad car in front of a dashcam..
The vigilante force hopes that its new fully liveried look-alike police vehicle will be on the road early in the new year. Sergeant Sargent explained:
‘My driving test is booked for 23 January and I’m confident that I will pass, I’ve had plenty of driving experience as this will be my tenth attempt. If all goes well I expect to be driving over perps on Beacon Street well before Easter.’
Lichfield BID Chairman Paul “Mad Dog” Maddox is a former real police officer and sometime publican at Lichfield’s fine dining and drinking emporium The Scales. He often dons a police costume after kicking-out time to give moral support to the BIDBSR team.
‘Typically, I spend Saturday evening getting the local low life pissed and fighty. We encourage the passing trade to come into the bar so that the lads can ply them with drink in the hope of a shag. But I tell you, if the lads aren’t knuckle deep in filth by midnight they start getting a bit feisty so, provided that they’re all spent up, we kick’em out onto the street.
‘And that’s when the trouble starts. I leave the bar, change into my BIDBSR police costume and and join my colleagues on patrol in the city streets. Not all heros have a mask and a cape, but we do all have police replica hi-viz jackets and walkie-talkies.
‘I have a talent, almost a sixth sense, for spotting drunks that have been pouring their kids child support into my tills all night. This city deserves better than this, we need to rid our streets of this scum after closing time (04:00 at weekends). Especially if they’re from Brownhills. That’s why I am supporting this new MPS vigilante initiative.
‘I swear to God, during the festive season any drunks that BIDBSR arrest will be dragged out of town and thrown under the wheels of the nearest white cab being driven by those guys from Wolverhampton.’
Lichfield Late Night Listeners will be providing sweet tea and support for any injured drunks awaiting an ambulance.
In a dramatic move renegade Conservative ex-councilor Joanne Grange is standing in the Stowe ward by-election as her alter ego, the ‘70’s Labour activist Don Palmer.
Ms Granger commented:
‘It’s an open secret in my family that at the weekends I will often don a donkey jacket, pull on a pair of monkey boots and head into town for a chat and a few pints with the local common folk. I’ve found that the lads in Scales and the Angel are more prepared to listen to the rantings of Don, the left wing bloke from the ’70’s than the insane ramblings of a middle-aged, middle-class Tory NIMBY.’
Joe Grange quit the Tory-controlled Lichfield District Council and tore up her Conservative entitlement card after criticising the way planning rules are being applied. Local planning officer Paul Mycock spoke to 5SL off the record, he said:
‘We cracked open a bottle of Newkie Brown in the office when we heard that Cllr Grange-Hill had resigned. She was a typical newly-elected councillor, thinking that she could change decades of institutionalised incompetence overnight. A real pain in the arse to be honest. We didn’t expect it of a Conservative councillor, most of them either don’t turn up or nod through Cabinet decisions or just simply nod-off.’
Acting Council Leader Mike Wilcox has recently returned to “work” after a period of compassionate leave following the untimely death of his own alter ego the Chuckle Brothers, Barry Chuckle.
‘I very much regret that Jo has resigned as councillor, if only she had tried to contact me and opened a dialogue, a meeting or an email would have sufficed. And, if she had, which she didn’t, if only I had replied, then all of this nonsense could have been avoided.
‘I would have explained to her that as a Conservative councillor your job is to turn up (optional), vote for everything I say and collect your expenses. How difficult can that be? I did notice that she appeared at a recent planning meeting after resigning, that is most unwelcome and evidence of mental instability. However I wish Don well in the bi-election.
‘And yes, I miss Barry.’
District Council Labour group leader Cllr Sue Norman was delighted to to discover that candidate Don Palmer is none other than Tory blue rinse Joanne Grange. She said:
‘Does anyone remember that I was a close adviser to Tony Blair back in the day?
‘Back in the day when Labour was a credible, electable, socially liberal and progressive party? Remember that? No, neither do I.
‘Anyway, we are a Broadchurch, if the only way Labour can win an election is to embrace a transitioning Conservative then so be it.
‘If it’s good enough for Dr Who it’s good enough for me.’
The full list of candidates for the 27 September 2018 poll is available somewhere else.
A Lichfield warranted police officer is facing disciplinary action after being seen walking around town on a Saturday afternoon chatting to local residents and assisting tourists. PC Paul Mycock has been with Staffordshire Police for over 20 years, he said:
‘I am stationed at the new Lichfield base on Eastern Avenue and spend most of my day investigating complaints from people who have been offended by social media posts or arranging for police vehicles to be reliveried for LGBT Pride parades.
‘Last week was a little slow as most complaints related to Boris Johnson and letterboxes, well that’s well above my pay grade.
‘It was a lovely day so I accompanied a colleague out on patrol, she had been ordered to drive around town in circles to give the impression of a strong police presence in the City. She had to alternate her hair style and wear a Michael Fabricant wig on each circuit to complete the illusion .
‘Feeling a little nostalgic I decided to take a walk around town on my old beat, catching up with locals and shopkeepers. Tourists were asking for selfies, assuming that I was part of the deluded local history group that dresses up in period costume.
‘A couple of days later I was called into the Inspector’s climate controlled office and informed that I was to be suspended for behaviour likely to bring the Force into disrepute.’
Staffordshire Police graduate entrant Inspector Bieber, 21, commented:
‘I can’t comment as this is an ongoing enquiry, but what I will say is that such behaviour, interacting directly with the public and addressing their day to day concerns is not what we are here to do and frankly makes the rest of us look bad.’
It is unclear who made the complaint but PC Mycock has his suspicions, he said
‘I have my suspicions. There are certain groups of vigilantes patrolling our streets and parks impersonating police officers.
‘As if the Speed Watch group aren’t irritating enough, we now have the self-styled Lichfield BID Officer Support (LIBIDOS) patrolling the town in para-police officer uniforms chatting to people and helping tourists.
‘Don’t get me wrong, I commend their aims but just like with Catholic priests, scout leaders and swimming coaches, you really do have to wonder about them don’t you?’’
PC Mycock is now planning to take early retirement and hopes to spend his nights with the shadowy vigilante group Lichfield Late Night Listeners.
Anyone who has been touched inappropriately by a vigilante is advised to contact the Daily Mail.
Burntwood’s annual free festival of family fun and entertainment will be opened by their elusive Conservative MP Michael Fabricant on Saturday 30 June.
Mr Fabricant will be presenting the inaugural “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year Award” at 1pm at Burntwood Leisure Centre.
Early nominations include Mr Fabricant himself, he said:
‘I may have shot myself in the foot with this one, I recently nominated a Burntwood teenage girl who, in my opinion, is a “complete twat”. What was I thinking?
‘I’ve now been accused of using offensive and unprofessional language!
‘To be honest, anyone who wants to engage with me and a bottle of Pinot on Twitter on a sunny afternoon during a bank holiday weekend needs to be robust enough to take a roasting. Man up girl.
‘Now they’re saying that “twat” is a synonym for female genitalia! Well, come on what do I know about female genitalia? That’s not really up my Street.’
Wakes organisers have had to review security arrangements for this year’s Festival in the light of Mr Fabricant’s uncharacteristic attendance. Burntwood Labour councillor Myfanwy Hertz commented:
‘In view of the real threat of disorder during the Member’s controversial visit we have revised our security cover and rather than having the planned five highly trained hi-viz wearing unemployed gypsies on patrol, we’ll now have just the two.’
Nominations for this year’s prestigious award are now open and can be submitted to @fivespireslive #BurntwoodTwat . Nominations close on 14 June 2018 and twitter polls will be open on @fivespireslive until Thursday 28 June.
1. Female genitalia, albeit unfamiliar territory for Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant
2. Person regarded as stupid or obnoxious e.g. Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant
1. To hit or punch (someone).
“If I was on a discussion programme with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown I’d twat her in the throat” says Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant
A volunteer wrote this, say thanks with a coffee, or a punch in the throat
The new Barnardo’s charity shop in the Three Spires Shopping Centre was officially opened last week. Jason Worley, area business manager for Barnardo’s, said:
‘We are recruiting volunteers to run the new store for free and help fund our Corporate Leadership Team’s salaries and pension funds. Just a couple of hours a week from a volunteer can help put our executives’ children through public school, summer vacations in Tuscany and winters in Klosters. Remember, at Barnardo’s we’re all about the children.’
Local volunteer Paul Mycock, 63, welcomes the arrival of Barnardo’s in the city, he said:
‘There aren’t nearly enough charity shops in Lichfield at the moment. It’s very difficult for us elderly would-be volunteers to find decent unpaid unemployment in the city at the moment. As soon as vacancies arise they are filled by the young unemployed desperate to work for years for nothing, just to give themselves the semblance of a cv in the hope of securing that dream job on the Minimum Wage.’
But Paul is one of the lucky ones, he explained that research is important in preparing for a job interview:
‘Oxfam asked me why I thought I deserved to be an unpaid worker in their organisation, I said
“I’m an elderly sexual predator with a predilection for teenage Haitian prostitutes.”
‘I got the job. Let that be a lesson kids.’
Barnardo’s Chief Executive Javed Khan was unavailable for comment, he said:
‘Actually, my son is quite keen on Harvard, if you could just dig a little deeper please.’
A volunteer wrote this. Say thanks with a coffee or a punch in the face on a football pitch.
Barnardo’s photo courtesy of ace Lichfield photographer Robert Yardley and published without his knowledge or consent