Spoof news

Burntwood Wakes 2018 Festival to host “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year” Award

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Burntwood’s annual free festival of family fun and entertainment will be opened by their elusive Conservative MP Michael Fabricant on Saturday 30 June.

Mr Fabricant will be presenting the inaugural “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year Award” at 1pm at Burntwood Leisure Centre.

Early nominations include Mr Fabricant himself, he said:

‘I may have shot myself in the foot with this one, I recently nominated a Burntwood teenage girl who, in my opinion, is a “complete twat”. What was I thinking?

‘I’ve now been accused of using offensive and unprofessional language!

‘To be honest, anyone who wants to engage with me and a bottle of Pinot on Twitter on a sunny afternoon during a bank holiday weekend needs to be robust enough to take a roasting. Man up girl.

‘Now they’re saying that “twat” is a synonym for female genitalia! Well, come on what do I know about female genitalia? That’s not really up my Street.’

Wakes organisers have had to review security arrangements for this year’s Festival in the light of Mr Fabricant’s uncharacteristic attendance. Burntwood Labour councillor Myfanwy Hertz commented:

‘In view of the real threat of disorder during the Member’s controversial visit we have revised our security cover and rather than having the planned five highly trained hi-viz wearing unemployed gypsies on patrol, we’ll now have just the two.’

Nominations for this year’s prestigious award are now open and can be submitted to @fivespireslive #BurntwoodTwat . Nominations close on 14 June 2018 and twitter polls will be open on @fivespireslive until Thursday 28 June.

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Dr. Samuel Johnson of Lichfield adjudicates from the grave on the definition of “twat”

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TWAT

NOUN

VULGAR slang

1. Female genitalia, albeit unfamiliar territory for Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

2. Person regarded as stupid or obnoxious e.g. Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

VERB

BRITISH informal

1. To hit or punch (someone).

“If I was on a discussion programme with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown I’d twat her in the throat” says Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

A volunteer wrote this, say thanks with a coffee, or a punch in the throat

Lichfield Barnardo’s to recruit more volunteers to fund chief executive’s £200k pa lifestyle

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The new Barnardo’s charity shop in the Three Spires Shopping Centre was officially opened last week. Jason Worley, area business manager for Barnardo’s, said:

‘We are recruiting volunteers to run the new store for free and help fund our Corporate Leadership Team’s salaries and pension funds. Just a couple of hours a week from a volunteer can help put our executives’ children through public school, summer vacations in Tuscany and winters in Klosters. Remember, at Barnardo’s we’re all about the children.’

Local volunteer Paul Mycock, 63, welcomes the arrival of Barnardo’s in the city, he said:

‘There aren’t nearly enough charity shops in Lichfield at the moment. It’s very difficult for us elderly would-be volunteers to find decent unpaid unemployment in the city at the moment. As soon as vacancies arise they are filled by the young unemployed desperate to work for years for nothing, just to give themselves the semblance of a cv in the hope of securing that dream job on the Minimum Wage.’

But Paul is one of the lucky ones, he explained that research is important in preparing for a job interview:

‘Oxfam asked me why I thought I deserved to be an unpaid worker in their organisation, I said

“I’m an elderly sexual predator with a predilection for teenage Haitian prostitutes.”

‘I got the job. Let that be a lesson kids.’

Barnardo’s Chief Executive Javed Khan was unavailable for comment, he said:

‘Actually, my son is quite keen on Harvard, if you could just dig a little deeper please.’

A volunteer wrote this. Say thanks with a coffee or a punch in the face on a football pitch.

Barnardo’s photo courtesy of ace Lichfield photographer Robert Yardley and published without his knowledge or consent

Friarsgate developer reveals plans for a new car showroom and bus station

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The leader of Lichfield District Council, Cllr Mike Wilcox has confirmed that Friarsgate developer U+I has submitted new plans for the long-awaited city centre scheme.

From behind closed doors Cllr Cocks admitted:

‘The original redevelopment proposal for ten junk food outlets, 15 coffee houses, 26 charity shops, 82 apartments, 11 townhouses, a multi-screen cinema, theme park and a marina linking to the restored Lichfield & Hatherton canal has proven to be undeliverable.

‘A “challenging funding market” has meant that no one is prepared to invest in such a load of bollocks.’

Developer U+I claim to be committed to revitalising the gateway to the city. Deputy Chief executive Richard Upton was still at primary school when he came up with the original proposals. He said:

‘I always loved Lego as a kid and built my own Lichfield city centre out of plastic bricks in my bedroom. But now I am older and have to put away childish fantasies for a more pragmatic solution.’

Details are still being worked out but, in a statement prepared by Mr Upton, Cllr Cocks read:

‘We have a new vision for this great city – a car showroom and vehicle hire facility on the corner of Birmingham Road and a new bus station between the showroom and Debenhams with retail kiosks selling and hiring cycles.’

Mr Upton is sure that funding will be forthcoming for such an innovative proposal. Taking time out from opening other new retail developments up and down the country, he said:

‘This plan will deliver the perfect fusion of the desire of Lichfield’s Council tax payers for superior shopping facilities with the means of transport to access such facilities, by car or coach it’s just ten minutes down the road to Ventura Retail Park in Tamworth.

‘And if you look closely you’ll notice a number of significant milestones on the way.’

Addressing concerns that the abandonment of the original proposals could open the door to a more lucrative residential development on the Friarsgate site Cllr Crocks was told to comment:

‘Such a suggestion is ridiculous, as everyone knows that lucrative residential development is planned for the Bird Street car park.’

Lichfield Round Table to fold in the wake of Presidents Club scandal?

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The future of men-only clubs has been called into question following events at the scandal-hit Presidents Club charity evening in London last week.

Revelations that 130 well-paid adult women voluntarily subjected themselves to the drunken, sexually repressed antics of sildenafil-stoked obese rich men at the charity event has called into question the future of men-only clubs like Lichfield Round Table.

Round Table is a Club exclusively for men under the age of 45 who don’t know enough senior police officers to be invited to join the Masons. The Lichfield club meets twice a month to discuss clay pigeon shooting, according to its recruitment literature.

But not everyone is convinced by this facade. Former wife of a Tabler, 28-year-old Myfanwy Hertz is a self-employed business consultant, she explained:

‘I’m self-employed because I’m a successful independent woman who no-one else is prepared to employ.

‘I recommend self-employment to all those young women who will be losing their well paid jobs to satisfy my feminist fundamentalism.’

She believes that the days of men-only clubs are numbered, she said:

‘These enclaves of misogyny and sexism have had their day, it’s no longer acceptable in our free, liberal society for groups of like-minded guys to get together over a pint, claiming to discuss clay pigeon shooting and the most effective way to commit suicide.

‘Does anyone genuinely believe that? No, all they do is get drunk and moan about their wives and girlfriends and snigger about what they would like to do with the barmaid, given half an erection. I find it offensive and Round Table should be closed down.

‘And that bitch behind the bar at the Bowling Green can do one as well.’

Talking to BBC Radio 5Live’s Saturday Breakfast, diminutive local travel agent Richard “Dick” Holland,14, defended the traditions of the men-only Round Table movement, he said:

‘Round Table is a Club for young men under the age of 45, we meet up a couple of times a month to talk about clay pigeon shooting and practice techniques for talking fellow club members down from the roof.

‘It’s all about having a chat and a laugh and relaxing in male company away from the pressures of making the evening meal and putting the kids to bed

‘But it’s not all about us, we have a sister organisation for the girls, called ‘The Ladies Ring’, which is focussed on monthly get togethers to dress in pink and discuss knitting and baking. Nothing sexist about that I think you’ll agree.’

Mx Hertz listened in to the broadcast in the hair salon where she was preparing for a Ladies Night out at Lichfield’s new Cougar Club, she said:

‘Well I’m delighted, Dick makes the Round Table sound so dull I think it’ll die of natural causes without my help.

‘I like mine black with a big one’, she laughed, shouting her coffee order across the salon.

Anyone who would like to hear Richard Holland fall from his high chair during the interview can catch it here for a limited time

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b09nvq59

From 43 minutes

“Set fire to your house well before 8pm,” advises Lichfield fire chief

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Lichfield residents have been advised to set fire to their own homes well before 8pm if they are hoping for a response from Lichfield’s firefighters. Lichfield Fire Station manager Damian “Stretch” Armstrong said:

‘Lichfield Community Fire Station & Crèche is staffed throughout the day between 8am and 8pm. Any emergency calls outside of those hours may be covered by on-call firefighters from somewhere else in Staffordshire. So if you’re planning to torch the house or cause a major RTA for goodness sake do so well before 8pm.

‘Oh and try to avoid weekends and public holidays. And any particularly cold or wet days. Or any time during school holidays or major sporting events for that matter.’

Concern about lack of adequate cover for Lichfield has been highlighted by a delay of almost half an hour by fire crews responding to a 10.21pm alarm at David Garrick Gardens retirement homes. Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service said the nearest available crews were at a Christmas party in Rugeley at the time.

Local MP Michael Fabricant is not impressed, he said:

‘With any local issue my first question is “What does this mean to me?” Well my grace and favour luxury chambers in Cathedral Close are particularly vulnerable to fire, so I wrote to my office, made an appointment and raised my concerns with myself.

‘I have deep misgivings that the totally inadequate fire cover in Lichfield is entirely due to management incompetence and nothing whatsoever to do with my Government’s £5 million funding cuts.’

The Conservative Police & Crime Commissioner, Matthew Ellis agrees, he commented:

‘I should take control of the Fire service management as I’m looking to considerably enhance my already enormous salary. I’ve heard many people say “Fire Police & Crime Commissioner” in support of my proposal. I think that’s what they mean anyway.’

David Garrick Gardens resident Steve Applecox, 75, confessed that he had caused the fire scare, he explained:

‘I’d been drinking in the Dr Johnson pub since 5pm celebrating a goal by Lichfield FC. I staggered home about 10pm and fired up the deep fat fryer. Next thing I know the kitchen is alight and the alarm is blaring out, woke me up it did. And the lazy bastards didn’t turn up for half an hour.

‘I’ll be sure to get home pissed well before 8pm next weekend.’

Anyone wishing to organise an event at Lichfield Community Fire Station & Crèche should call 01785 898040

Friary School parents delighted by proposed parking restrictions on Eastern Avenue

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Staffordshire County Council proposals to set up of a ‘No Waiting At Any Time Restriction’ on Eastern Avenue between Monday-Friday outside The Friary School has been welcomed by many parents.

Lichfield mum Paulette Mycock spent hours over the Christmas period responding positively to the stealth consultation, she said:

‘This is great news, I need to be at work for 9 every morning so time is short, there’ll be no arguing now when I have to drop the little brat off at Morrisons – he’ll just have to walk the rest of the way.’

Other parents don’t think that the restrictions will have any impact on their school run, local dad Peter Parker said:

‘To be honest, when I’m dropping off the kids I slow down to about 20mph (as the sign suggests) and just push them out. No parking, no waiting. They soon got the hang of it, and the odd twisted ankle is always a good excuse to miss games.’

However young mum Brittany Singleton is in Year 12 and is not impressed, she complained:

‘I live many miles away from school in Weston Road, if uncle can’t take me up any closer than Morrisons then I’ll have to walk the rest of the way. It’s a disgrace, I already have to walk there and back from school at lunchtimes for a fag and to gob-off at the pensioners.’

Head of Friary School Matt Allman has written a letter of objection to the County Council, he said:

‘This is a safety issue. We have a large catchment area and many children live up to half a mile away, how can these morbidly obese pupils be expected to walk to school and back every day?

‘Even for the able-bodied kids, many of them will have to cross through the Dimbles area risking exposure to 19th century diseases and abuse from the self-styled mushroom sellers living on the Bromford sink housing estate. It’s shameful.’

Anyone wishing participate in the consultation can find more information Here