A spike in recorded greenhouse gas emissions in Lichfield has been attributed to an increase in beery farts in Beerbohm on Tamworth Road during the recent heatwave. The bespoke bar, specialising in craft and continental ales, is frequented predominantly by MPs and bearded obese men with relationship issues.
The popular hostelry was opened in 2015 by Wendy and that bloke she married, she said:
‘Running a craft ale house carries an inherent risk of attack from climate change activists. Admittedly the build-up of greenhouse gases expelled by our crusty-arsed beery farting customers doesn’t help our environmental credentials.
‘But we have tried to mitigate the climate impact of as far as possible – promoting salty seaweed crisps, installing an improved manure collection system and keeping the windows closed in all but the hottest weather.’
Disgraced former Friary School swimming teacher Paul Mycock is a regular, he said:
‘I’m a regular. I retired from teaching in 2009, although for some reason I’m still on the register.
‘I’ve been an admirer of Wendy for many years, following her from Derby, to Stoke and then on to the Duke of York. And, sometimes, I’ve even followed her home.
‘I’m here most days, eating my Greggs meal deal, washed down with three pints of Vedett IPA – a refreshing, hoppy and complex beer with fruity, floral and green aromas underpinned by citrusy flavours, with a mild bitter taste and a long, dry finish.
‘As you can probably smell….Excuse me…’
The bar takes its name from Henry Maximilian Beerbohm who was born in London in 1876. He was an essayist, parodist and caricaturist but really first became known as a drunken misogynist in the 1890’s. Oscar Wilde said of him “The gods have bestowed on Max the gift of perpetual flatulence.” A theme embraced by the regulars of the eponymous bar to this day.
The bar has proven popular with local celebrity and former MP Michael Fabricant, a regular crafty imbiber of Barbar Blonde and Chimay Blue. Wendy said:
‘A guy came in the other evening, he asked “Do you serve Old Peculiar?”, quick as a flash I quipped, “Yes, Mike’s sitting upstairs.”
Wendy is here all week, except for Sundays and Bank Holiday Mondays. She doesn’t like making too much money. Which is just as well as tariffs on the import of continental beers post-Brexit will probably force the bar to close. Cheers Mike!
Lichfield member Michael Fabricant claims that his mobile phone “must have been hacked by sinister forces” as he fails to receive a call from new PM Boris Johnson offering him a high level cabinet position.
Speaking via a clear line on his phone from outside the former Friary Grange Leisure Centre, Mr Fabricant said:
‘I’d arranged to meet a local developer this evening to discuss alternative uses for this derelict pool but I’d left clear contact details with no.10.
‘I have made and received numerous calls today congratulating me on my invaluable sycophancy in securing Boris’s success. But not a thing from Team Boris, there can be only one explanation – a Russian sponsored hack of my phone to intercept vital communications with no.10.
‘I recognise the hand of Putin in this – have I ever mentioned that I was an imaginary agent for MI6 when I was an imaginary entrepreneur selling dodgy radios in the Soviet Union in the 70’s?’
A spokesman for No.10 said:
‘We can confirm that we have made no attempt to contact Mr Fabricant today or any other day. In fact we have a note from a Grant Shapps from years ago saying “Do not resuscitate his career, Fabricant is a buffoon and a fantasist.”
Theresa May was too drunk to comment.
Plans for a luxury aqua park complex in the centre of Lichfield have emerged following the announcement that Friary Grange Leisure Centre is to close in April 2020.
Unicorn and Imaginary (U+I Group plc), the development partner behind the defunct Friarsgate project, have released plans for the new swimming pool facility to be located on the current B&M Bird Street car park.
Provisionally called Friary Minster PoolWorld, the scheme has been welcomed by local residents who will be affected by the closure of the Friary Grange pool next year.
Dimbles bather Paul Mycock said:
‘It’s great news that this imaginary water world will soon be within walking distance of ‘spoons. I was expecting to have to take the kids to Stowe Pool for a bath next summer, but it does get a bit crowded in there in the hot weather. And it’s not very convenient for the air ambulance.’
U+I director and former District Council leader Rich Richman commented:
‘We welcome the opportunity to partner Lichfield District Council again in another flagship development in the city. Our shareholders were delighted with the risk-free profits generated by our involvement with Friarsgate.
‘The decision to turn Friarsgate into a car park and to redevelop the former B&M store and car park will be announced by the Council in September followed by a public consultation in November.’
B&M merchandise display organiser Brittney Singleton,19, has mixed feelings, she said:
‘I have mixed feelings. I’ll love to spend an afternoon with my five kids on the water slides but I will lose my job when the store closes. I’ve been offered a position at the brand new store on Eastern Avenue but the commute from Netherstowe three days a week would kill me.’
B&M spokesman Simon Aurora insisted that the Market Street store will not be closing despite the launch of the new store, he said:
‘The Market Street store is not closing.
‘Well not until Lichfield District Council increases its offer for our lease. That will be announced in September.’
Lichfield David Lloyd members actively support the petition to keep Friary Grange Leisure centre open
Following local media reports that Lichfield District Council has decided to close the Friary Grange Leisure Centre from April 2020, social media users have reacted with fury. David Lloyd Lichfield Health and Racquet club members have come out in full support of the online petition to keep the centre open to the general public.
David Lloyd member Paul Mycock was one of the first to sign up, he said:
‘I was one of the first members to sign up to the plebiscite, closing Friary Grange will be a disaster for the general health and well-being of our members.’ Vigorously towelling-off his genitalia in the changing rooms, he added:
‘Imagine the number of Dimbles internees who will apply for the concessionary three-month introductory package at David Lloyd next summer if they can’t take a bath in the Friary Grange Pool. The members-only club will be ruined. I commend this petition to the membership.’
Objections to the proposed closure were equally vociferous in other parts of the City. Fradley mother of three under two-year-olds, Myfanwy Hertz is “gobsmacked”, she commented:
‘I am gobsmacked. I can’t believe that the swimming pool where I learnt to swim as a child ten years ago is closing down, it’s a disgrace. I’ve never been back there since mind you, but that’s not the point. Its part of our history. And what about Friarsgate and Tempest Ford and all the housing around the Saxon Penny and the canal restoration and the plight of elephants in Asia. The world’s gone raving mad.
‘Did I miss anything? Let me check on the comments section of Lichfield Live and get back to you.’
Local politicians have been more restrained in their reactions.
Local Lib-Dem councillor for the Ward in which Friary Grange is situated, Cllr Paul X-Ray said:
‘Thank you for drawing this to my attention, being absent from most council meetings I am often late to the party unless prompted by social media.’
Concerned Lichfield (and Burntwood) MP Michael Fabricant commented:
‘Not my monkey, not my circus,’ he said, appealing to the local Polish electorate. ‘I never go swimming, for obvious reason, so I have no interest in the closure of the Leisure Centre. But as there is a general election coming I am an active supported of the Abbots Bromley Horn Dancers and commend their commemorative stamps set to the House.’
Recently appointed Conservative Lichfield District Council leader Cllr Red Doug-Pullem has announced that he would like to see £2.4m spent on a new leisure centre rather than patching up Friary Grange. He added:
‘It wasn’t me.’
Cllr Mike Chuckle was unavailable for comment.
Cllr Doug-Pullem’s honeymoon period is due to end in September.
A controversial proposal to overcome the Brexit deadlock emerged over the weekend in a Lichfield pub. Regular drunks in the Kings Head came up with the solution late on Saturday night following a wide-ranging debate about the Villa and the unreasonable expectations of their respective wives and girlfriends.
Local plumber Paul Mycock commented: ‘Now I don’t profess to know anything about Brexit, but I do know that Theresa May’s a traitor and that, as it stands, her Withdrawal Agreement is a complete betrayal of the referendum result.
‘When I voted Leave, I voted to abolish free movement of people into our country from India and Pakistan and to take back control of our convenience shops and hospitals. The government needs to deliver on that vote. Do they think we’re all stupid or what?’
Former Birmingham pub-goer Paddy McGuinness explained that the problem with the Withdrawal Agreement relates to the treatment of the Northern Ireland border with the Republic.
He said: ‘The lads weren’t very interested in the detail to be honest until they noticed BBC News reporting a car bomb in what is incorrectly called Londonderry.
‘Then Cocky pipes up “What’s the fecking point of Northern Ireland anyway?” It was like a light had been switched on. Everyone agreed that the solution to the Brexit impasse was to hand over Northern Ireland to the Republic. Border problem sorted.
‘I could barely contain myself, who’d have thought that the Conservative Party would have done more for the Republican cause in two years than Sinn Fein managed in half a century.’
Westgate Medical Practice’s celebrity doctor “Prof” Helen Stokes-Lampard (f) is concerned that the local member’s voting record, in what has been a tumultuous shitfest of a week in British politics, exhibits symptoms of the so-called Schrodinger’s Member Syndrome (SMS).
Dr Hilary said: ’My intimate knowledge of my patient coupled with my bourgeoning media career has given me ample opportunity to observe Michael in his natural habitat in Westminster. SMS is a psychological condition, little-known outside of the Parliamentary estate, enabling a politician to simultaneously hold two contradictory views of reality without any discernible internal conflict.’
On Tuesday evening Mr Fabricant was instrumental in delivering an historically humiliating defeat to his own Tory government when he voted against the Withdrawal Agreement.
On Wednesday evening he joined his fellow Tory raft-clingers and gave his whole-hearted support to the Tory government in a No Confidence vote.
Mr Fabricant commented: ‘On Tuesday evening Mrs May was a treacherous Remainer who is failing to deliver the will of the British people. On Wednesday evening the PM was the most glorious leader this country has seen since Mrs Thatcher during the Falklands War. What’s the problem?
‘And, in common with Westgate, I’ve no idea who this Dr Strobes is. She most certainly has never entered me, nor me her. Obviously.
‘But let’s not confuse my ability to see all sides of an argument as being a symptom of this SMS. Forget Brexit and consider my unequivocal position on HS2 for example – I am a strong supporter of this major infrastructure project that will deliver huge commercial benefits to the whole nation. And I will be lobbying for the cancellation of this vanity project, it’ll never be delivered on time or on budget. What could be clearer?’
Fellow Tory buffoon Jacob Ree-Smogg came to Mr Fabricant’s aid: ‘I see nothing inconsistent in Michael’s position, it is entirely in alignment with my own. I whole heartedly support the PM and will campaign for her to be replaced at the earliest opportunity. More champers Nanny please!’
GP Dr Helen Stokes-Lampard commented: ‘I did perform a digital rectal exam on Mr Fabricant when he presented with symptoms of laryngitis, but I have never publicly disclosed the deterioration in his mental health. However, I guess the cat is out of the bag now. Or the box. If it was ever in there, dead or alive.’
Mr Fabricant has asked that constituents contact him by email or Twitter in future as he will no longer be accepting text messages.
Crematoria throughout the UK are preparing contingency plans to cope with an expected increased body count in the event of the UK delaying its exit from the EU beyond 29 March.
Paul Mycock is the operations manager of Lichfield & District Crematorium, he said: ‘We have been receiving reports from our suppliers in the Nearly Dead industry that the sick and elderly are so depressed by reports that Brexit may be delayed that they are giving up their tenuous hold on life. The old folks are just letting go. Good news for my productivity bonus though.’
Sundowner Nursing Home resident Myfanwy Hertz, 103, is on the Nearly Dead pathway, she commented: ‘I had planned to hold on until Wimbledon but if Article 50 is extended or revoked then I’m just going to end it here and now. I can’t stomach months of endless Brexit news and Andy Murray crying.
‘I have taken out a “Buy Now Die Later” plan with my lovely funeral director. I get a special discount if I kick it in the summer months, but it’s really not worth the wait. I voted Leave and now I’m off!’
The startling statistics have given a new impetus to the Remain camp who are hopeful that the Tory chaos will result in a second referendum. Remain MP Anna Soubry said: ‘If all the elderly Leavers top themselves over the next few weeks then that could swing a new vote in our favour. Now fuck off out of my face you Nazi.’