In a dramatic move renegade Conservative ex-councilor Joanne Grange is standing in the Stowe ward by-election as her alter ego, the ‘70’s Labour activist Don Palmer.
Ms Granger commented:
‘It’s an open secret in my family that at the weekends I will often don a donkey jacket, pull on a pair of monkey boots and head into town for a chat and a few pints with the local common folk. I’ve found that the lads in Scales and the Angel are more prepared to listen to the rantings of Don, the left wing bloke from the ’70’s than the insane ramblings of a middle-aged, middle-class Tory NIMBY.’
Joe Grange quit the Tory-controlled Lichfield District Council and tore up her Conservative entitlement card after criticising the way planning rules are being applied. Local planning officer Paul Mycock spoke to 5SL off the record, he said:
‘We cracked open a bottle of Newkie Brown in the office when we heard that Cllr Grange-Hill had resigned. She was a typical newly-elected councillor, thinking that she could change decades of institutionalised incompetence overnight. A real pain in the arse to be honest. We didn’t expect it of a Conservative councillor, most of them either don’t turn up or nod through Cabinet decisions or just simply nod-off.’
Acting Council Leader Mike Wilcox has recently returned to “work” after a period of compassionate leave following the untimely death of his own alter ego the Chuckle Brothers, Barry Chuckle.
‘I very much regret that Jo has resigned as councillor, if only she had tried to contact me and opened a dialogue, a meeting or an email would have sufficed. And, if she had, which she didn’t, if only I had replied, then all of this nonsense could have been avoided.
‘I would have explained to her that as a Conservative councillor your job is to turn up (optional), vote for everything I say and collect your expenses. How difficult can that be? I did notice that she appeared at a recent planning meeting after resigning, that is most unwelcome and evidence of mental instability. However I wish Don well in the bi-election.
‘And yes, I miss Barry.’
District Council Labour group leader Cllr Sue Norman was delighted to to discover that candidate Don Palmer is none other than Tory blue rinse Joanne Grange. She said:
‘Does anyone remember that I was a close adviser to Tony Blair back in the day?
‘Back in the day when Labour was a credible, electable, socially liberal and progressive party? Remember that? No, neither do I.
‘Anyway, we are a Broadchurch, if the only way Labour can win an election is to embrace a transitioning Conservative then so be it.
‘If it’s good enough for Dr Who it’s good enough for me.’
The full list of candidates for the 27 September 2018 poll is available somewhere else.
A Lichfield warranted police officer is facing disciplinary action after being seen walking around town on a Saturday afternoon chatting to local residents and assisting tourists. PC Paul Mycock has been with Staffordshire Police for over 20 years, he said:
‘I am stationed at the new Lichfield base on Eastern Avenue and spend most of my day investigating complaints from people who have been offended by social media posts or arranging for police vehicles to be reliveried for LGBT Pride parades.
‘Last week was a little slow as most complaints related to Boris Johnson and letterboxes, well that’s well above my pay grade.
‘It was a lovely day so I accompanied a colleague out on patrol, she had been ordered to drive around town in circles to give the impression of a strong police presence in the City. She had to alternate her hair style and wear a Michael Fabricant wig on each circuit to complete the illusion .
‘Feeling a little nostalgic I decided to take a walk around town on my old beat, catching up with locals and shopkeepers. Tourists were asking for selfies, assuming that I was part of the deluded local history group that dresses up in period costume.
‘A couple of days later I was called into the Inspector’s climate controlled office and informed that I was to be suspended for behaviour likely to bring the Force into disrepute.’
Staffordshire Police graduate entrant Inspector Bieber, 21, commented:
‘I can’t comment as this is an ongoing enquiry, but what I will say is that such behaviour, interacting directly with the public and addressing their day to day concerns is not what we are here to do and frankly makes the rest of us look bad.’
It is unclear who made the complaint but PC Mycock has his suspicions, he said
‘I have my suspicions. There are certain groups of vigilantes patrolling our streets and parks impersonating police officers.
‘As if the Speed Watch group aren’t irritating enough, we now have the self-styled Lichfield BID Officer Support (LIBIDOS) patrolling the town in para-police officer uniforms chatting to people and helping tourists.
‘Don’t get me wrong, I commend their aims but just like with Catholic priests, scout leaders and swimming coaches, you really do have to wonder about them don’t you?’’
PC Mycock is now planning to take early retirement and hopes to spend his nights with the shadowy vigilante group Lichfield Late Night Listeners.
Anyone who has been touched inappropriately by a vigilante is advised to contact the Daily Mail.
Burntwood’s annual free festival of family fun and entertainment will be opened by their elusive Conservative MP Michael Fabricant on Saturday 30 June.
Mr Fabricant will be presenting the inaugural “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year Award” at 1pm at Burntwood Leisure Centre.
Early nominations include Mr Fabricant himself, he said:
‘I may have shot myself in the foot with this one, I recently nominated a Burntwood teenage girl who, in my opinion, is a “complete twat”. What was I thinking?
‘I’ve now been accused of using offensive and unprofessional language!
‘To be honest, anyone who wants to engage with me and a bottle of Pinot on Twitter on a sunny afternoon during a bank holiday weekend needs to be robust enough to take a roasting. Man up girl.
‘Now they’re saying that “twat” is a synonym for female genitalia! Well, come on what do I know about female genitalia? That’s not really up my Street.’
Wakes organisers have had to review security arrangements for this year’s Festival in the light of Mr Fabricant’s uncharacteristic attendance. Burntwood Labour councillor Myfanwy Hertz commented:
‘In view of the real threat of disorder during the Member’s controversial visit we have revised our security cover and rather than having the planned five highly trained hi-viz wearing unemployed gypsies on patrol, we’ll now have just the two.’
Nominations for this year’s prestigious award are now open and can be submitted to @fivespireslive #BurntwoodTwat . Nominations close on 14 June 2018 and twitter polls will be open on @fivespireslive until Thursday 28 June.
1. Female genitalia, albeit unfamiliar territory for Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant
2. Person regarded as stupid or obnoxious e.g. Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant
1. To hit or punch (someone).
“If I was on a discussion programme with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown I’d twat her in the throat” says Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant
A volunteer wrote this, say thanks with a coffee, or a punch in the throat
The new Barnardo’s charity shop in the Three Spires Shopping Centre was officially opened last week. Jason Worley, area business manager for Barnardo’s, said:
‘We are recruiting volunteers to run the new store for free and help fund our Corporate Leadership Team’s salaries and pension funds. Just a couple of hours a week from a volunteer can help put our executives’ children through public school, summer vacations in Tuscany and winters in Klosters. Remember, at Barnardo’s we’re all about the children.’
Local volunteer Paul Mycock, 63, welcomes the arrival of Barnardo’s in the city, he said:
‘There aren’t nearly enough charity shops in Lichfield at the moment. It’s very difficult for us elderly would-be volunteers to find decent unpaid unemployment in the city at the moment. As soon as vacancies arise they are filled by the young unemployed desperate to work for years for nothing, just to give themselves the semblance of a cv in the hope of securing that dream job on the Minimum Wage.’
But Paul is one of the lucky ones, he explained that research is important in preparing for a job interview:
‘Oxfam asked me why I thought I deserved to be an unpaid worker in their organisation, I said
“I’m an elderly sexual predator with a predilection for teenage Haitian prostitutes.”
‘I got the job. Let that be a lesson kids.’
Barnardo’s Chief Executive Javed Khan was unavailable for comment, he said:
‘Actually, my son is quite keen on Harvard, if you could just dig a little deeper please.’
A volunteer wrote this. Say thanks with a coffee or a punch in the face on a football pitch.
Barnardo’s photo courtesy of ace Lichfield photographer Robert Yardley and published without his knowledge or consent
The leader of Lichfield District Council, Cllr Mike Wilcox has confirmed that Friarsgate developer U+I has submitted new plans for the long-awaited city centre scheme.
From behind closed doors Cllr Cocks admitted:
‘The original redevelopment proposal for ten junk food outlets, 15 coffee houses, 26 charity shops, 82 apartments, 11 townhouses, a multi-screen cinema, theme park and a marina linking to the restored Lichfield & Hatherton canal has proven to be undeliverable.
‘A “challenging funding market” has meant that no one is prepared to invest in such a load of bollocks.’
Developer U+I claim to be committed to revitalising the gateway to the city. Deputy Chief executive Richard Upton was still at primary school when he came up with the original proposals. He said:
‘I always loved Lego as a kid and built my own Lichfield city centre out of plastic bricks in my bedroom. But now I am older and have to put away childish fantasies for a more pragmatic solution.’
Details are still being worked out but, in a statement prepared by Mr Upton, Cllr Cocks read:
‘We have a new vision for this great city – a car showroom and vehicle hire facility on the corner of Birmingham Road and a new bus station between the showroom and Debenhams with retail kiosks selling and hiring cycles.’
Mr Upton is sure that funding will be forthcoming for such an innovative proposal. Taking time out from opening other new retail developments up and down the country, he said:
‘This plan will deliver the perfect fusion of the desire of Lichfield’s Council tax payers for superior shopping facilities with the means of transport to access such facilities, by car or coach it’s just ten minutes down the road to Ventura Retail Park in Tamworth.
‘And if you look closely you’ll notice a number of significant milestones on the way.’
Addressing concerns that the abandonment of the original proposals could open the door to a more lucrative residential development on the Friarsgate site Cllr Crocks was told to comment:
‘Such a suggestion is ridiculous, as everyone knows that lucrative residential development is planned for the Bird Street car park.’
The future of men-only clubs has been called into question following events at the scandal-hit Presidents Club charity evening in London last week.
Revelations that 130 well-paid adult women voluntarily subjected themselves to the drunken, sexually repressed antics of sildenafil-stoked obese rich men at the charity event has called into question the future of men-only clubs like Lichfield Round Table.
Round Table is a Club exclusively for men under the age of 45 who don’t know enough senior police officers to be invited to join the Masons. The Lichfield club meets twice a month to discuss clay pigeon shooting, according to its recruitment literature.
But not everyone is convinced by this facade. Former wife of a Tabler, 28-year-old Myfanwy Hertz is a self-employed business consultant, she explained:
‘I’m self-employed because I’m a successful independent woman who no-one else is prepared to employ.
‘I recommend self-employment to all those young women who will be losing their well paid jobs to satisfy my feminist fundamentalism.’
She believes that the days of men-only clubs are numbered, she said:
‘These enclaves of misogyny and sexism have had their day, it’s no longer acceptable in our free, liberal society for groups of like-minded guys to get together over a pint, claiming to discuss clay pigeon shooting and the most effective way to commit suicide.
‘Does anyone genuinely believe that? No, all they do is get drunk and moan about their wives and girlfriends and snigger about what they would like to do with the barmaid, given half an erection. I find it offensive and Round Table should be closed down.
‘And that bitch behind the bar at the Bowling Green can do one as well.’
Talking to BBC Radio 5Live’s Saturday Breakfast, diminutive local travel agent Richard “Dick” Holland,14, defended the traditions of the men-only Round Table movement, he said:
‘Round Table is a Club for young men under the age of 45, we meet up a couple of times a month to talk about clay pigeon shooting and practice techniques for talking fellow club members down from the roof.
‘It’s all about having a chat and a laugh and relaxing in male company away from the pressures of making the evening meal and putting the kids to bed
‘But it’s not all about us, we have a sister organisation for the girls, called ‘The Ladies Ring’, which is focussed on monthly get togethers to dress in pink and discuss knitting and baking. Nothing sexist about that I think you’ll agree.’
Mx Hertz listened in to the broadcast in the hair salon where she was preparing for a Ladies Night out at Lichfield’s new Cougar Club, she said:
‘Well I’m delighted, Dick makes the Round Table sound so dull I think it’ll die of natural causes without my help.
‘I like mine black with a big one’, she laughed, shouting her coffee order across the salon.
Anyone who would like to hear Richard Holland fall from his high chair during the interview can catch it here for a limited time
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