Clowns International

Lichfield councillor Joseph Powell to challenge city MP for buffoonery title

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Lichfield District Cllr Joseph Powell, who represents Little Aston and Stonnall has launched his campaign to become Conservative Party parliamentary candidate for the 2020 election.

Cllr Powell commented:

‘I have long admired the hilarious antics of our upright Member, Fabricuntio the Clown MP, but he will be over 70 years of age by the next election so I expect that he will be looking to hand over the title of Lichfield “Buffoon-in-Chief” to a worthy successor. I nominate myself for that important civic role and I’m delighted to report that many locals will wholeheartedly endorse the nomination.’

Joey Powell
Joey Powell

Since the local elections in May 2015 the previously anonymous Cllr Powell has begun to garner publicity for his ever more eccentric world views. His intervention in a debate on Council spending, broadcast live on Twitter by international news agency LichfieldLives, cast doubts on the politician’s sanity.

Justifying the £16,000 per year spend on the Chairman’s luxury chauffeur-driven Jaguar XF Cllr Powell explained:

‘It’s important that we make it clear that the car isn’t used for just having drinks and nice meals.

We use it for lots of very useful meetings with homosexuals. Castle Ring is lovely at this time of year don’t you think?’

Clownage is more evolution than revolution admits Cllr Powell:

‘After that Council meeting we retired to The Malt Bar, Lichfield’s premier disabled toilet venue. Council Leader Mike Wilcox was not chuckling that night, claiming that there was definitely something funny about me, but I challenged him:

‘You mean, let me understand this … cuz I … maybe it’s me, maybe I’m a little fcuked up maybe. I’m funny how? I mean funny, like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? Whattya you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

‘And then it suddenly dawned on me, there’s a precedent right here in the local Conservative party for clowns. Surely Michael Fabricant can’t go on forever, especially if he continues sunbathing. That could be me, I could be the next Clown of Lichfield.’

Cllr Powell’s ascension to clowndom has continued this week but, as with all clowns, there is something of the night about him.

Paying an uncomfortable amount of attention to newly elected young councillors. Joey jested:

‘The future of the Conservative Party in Lichfield and Burntwood is in excellent hands – mine.

‘The election of handsome young-gun Ben Rayner and those two lovely ginger girls is a real breath of fresh air,’ enthused the halitosisly challenged councillor.

‘There is a picture gallery going to back to 1898 at the council and the first three or four photos shows a group of male politicians with a solitary lady. Now that’s what I call a party. Is that Dolphin Square in the background?’

Labour opposition group leader Sue Norman has called on Cllr Powell to desist from making any further comments likely to bring the Council into disrepute.

‘If he doesn’t shut up I’ll start a petition,’ Cllr Norman threatened.

‘Well, with just four elected representatives,’ Cllr Powell retorted hilariously, ‘it means that I don’t need to listen to a single word that the Labour Party has to say.’

MP's answer to cuts in child benefits
MP’s answer to cuts in child benefits

Michael Fabricant is currently enjoying a three month summer holiday, starting off with a visit to the US to attend the annual convention of Clowns International. He said:

‘If Powell stands I will have no alternative but to step aside. Joey is a genuine buffoon, I wouldn’t stand a chance.’

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Burntwood nightclub No.7’s owners warned of deal with Beacon Church by Derek Acorah’s spirit guide

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Burntwood’s No.7’s Nightclub closed in May after providing a convenient venue for drunken fornication for almost 20 years. Mr Mansell, 78, who has owned the premises for over 40 years, joined forces with co-owner of the business Jennifer Heath, 65, over a couple of bottles of Prosecco in 1987.

Burntwood nightclub
Burntwood nightclub

Trevor said:

‘A 4am licence was granted in the late 1990s for the bar to become a late night venue and Burntwood’s own nightclub was launched. But I’m not getting any younger and I’d recently heard that Burntwood is being closed down in 2016 so we had to make a decision about the future of the business.

‘On Good Friday we opened as usual and the place was packed with family members all looking for easy jobs and free booze. By midnight the drink was flowing down the kid’s necks and the grandson was DJ’ing, cranking up the sound system with a bit of ELO and I turned to Jenny and said “Where did we go wrong?” ‘

Failing to get the Mr Blue Sky reference, Jenny continued:

‘Earlier that day I’d booked tickets to see the truly gifted and genuine psychic Derek Acorah at The Garrick next month. With each internet booking Derek arranges for you to be sent a text message direct from the spirit world. Well, Trevor was dribbling down my cleavage in his ‘70’s reverie when I got this text on my iPhone. Derek’s spirit guide said “Watch out for the pasta.”

Charlatan
Charlatan

‘Well I was absolutely gobsmacked, I’m actually gluten intolerant as you can probably smell. But when I looked up I saw a dark figure approaching us across the dance floor through the dry-ice mist and photo-epileptic strobe lighting.’

Wearing a stetson and cowboy boots the stranger introduced himself to the couple. Trevor recalls:

‘He said “Hi folks, my name is Pastor Sandy of the Beacon Community Church and I’m here to save you.” He sat down at our table and talked to us in his dulcet Scottish tones for the rest of the evening. For the life of me I can’t remember a single word he said, but by the end of the night the club closed and I found myself signing an agreement gifting the Club to the Church.’

Pastor Sandy McMeekin’s mission is to reach out to the community of Burntwood, raise up the community of Burntwood and send out the community of Burntwood to go and live in Brownhills. He explained:

‘Burntwood is dying, it’s vital organs, if you like, are closing down, it’s life-blood is thickening in the town’s arteries. End of Days was foretold in the Bible that I wrote with my sister, sorry, my wife Liz at our kitchen table five years ago. End of Days would be signalled by the triumphant return to the Walled City of the Clown Fabricuntio before the pagan festival of Bower.’

Pastor Sandy and Liz
Pastor Sandy and Liz

According to Pastor Sandy the signs of accelerated descent are all around, citing as examples the recently announced plans to close Chasetown police station and withdraw officers to the safety of new premises that will be built unchallenged in Lichfield’s Green belt; the leaked plans to sell off and close Chasewater and, most symbolically for the young people, the future, of the town, the closure of No.7’s nightclub

The reverend Pastor explained:

‘No.7, so called because of the average number of revellers that it attracted on a Friday and Saturday night, has been dying alongside with the town. These are dark days, I have answered God’s call, me and my sister, sorry my wife Liz together with our Beacon disciples will guide the lost and dislocated into the light.’

The Church has now received planning consent from Lichfield District Council to convert the former nightclub for its own purposes.

Take Me To Church
Take Me To Church

Trevor has no regrets, being a canny business man all his life he added:

‘I may have signed his agreement under the influence of the Pastor’s obvious charisma but what he doesn’t realise is that I transferred the property to my company T.J.M & D. (Burntwood) Limited in February. He’ll have a shock when he puts in for planning to build apartments here next year. Haha.’

Anyone who wants to find out more about the teachings of Pastor Sandy and the Beacon Church will discover very little by visiting their website at http://www.beacon-church.com/pages/

By the pricking of my thumbs…

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FOLLOWING his successful ‘sacking’ as Conservative Party vice-chairman Michael Fabricant has run away to join another circus. The Lichfield member hasn’t had far to go – during the Parliamentary Easter recess he will be performing in and around the City with the American Circus clown troupe.

The publicity-shy 79 year-old former Tory whip said:

‘I met Party Chairman Grant Schapps and had a very informal meeting. He told me to resign, I told him to fuck off, he told me that I was sacked and we parted the best of friends.

‘This gives me more freedom to tweet and act the buffoon at the taxpayers expense. If you think that I’ve been free and easy in the past you aint seen nothing yet.’

Circus manager Ian Thomas, who also performs as Gingernuts the Clown, said:

‘We are delighted to have been invited back to entertain the citizens of this great historic cathedral city and it is fantastic that Fabricuntio the Clown can join us for a few days.’

Not everyone was impressed, a publicity stunt earlier in the week caused two pounds worth of damage to the newly opened skatepark. Lichfield District Council chief chain-wearer and ribbon-cutter Derek Leytham explained:

‘Within hours of the official skatepark opening the Lichfield Member was seen jumping on another bandwagon, this time in the form of a circus advertising trailer. This was being pushed by a group of his Twitter sycophants in the direction of the Bowling Green. He ran off to his meeting when the trailer careered into one of the skate bowls.’

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Shortly afterwards Mr Fabricant was almost ‘mown down’ by a passing motorist whilst crossing the road to the pub. Police are appealing for witnesses who may have seen a red Renault Clio in the vicinity being driven by what a police spokesman described as a ‘Grinch’ like teenager.

Blue Brattle, a former chairman and honorary vice president of Clowns International who performs as Clown Bluey, is in town this weekend and said :

‘There is an image problem for clowns at the moment, some people think we are sinister. It’s not helped by the likes of Fabricuntio. There is even a recognised phobia now called coulrophobia – a fear of clowns being re-elected with an increased majority. It’s a beep-beep disgrace.’

Some locals are also in two-minds about the circus. Charles Holloway, a 53 year-old unfulfilled and disillusioned father of one who suppresses his feelings of abject personal failure by spending time on the BSARA committee told 5SL:

‘My son Will and his mate Jim Nightshade were very excited when the circus appeared from nowhere overnight, they went there on the day and had a great time. But then they went back again last night and came home terrified. I’ll be writing a letter of complaint to Staffordshire County Council and South Staffs Water.’

The promoter of the circus, Cougar & Dark Pandemonium Shadow Shows Limited, dismissed the complaint. The company’s director Susan Cougar, the self-publicist, part-time councillor and deputy Police and Crime Commissioner, said:

‘We try to cater for all tastes so in the evenings our entertainment is a little more edgy and adult-orientated, being a little bit scarey is all part of the fun.’

But Will is not convinced that what he saw was just an illusion, from behind the sofa he said:

‘It was the carousel that really spooked us. That nice clown Fabricuntio got on board and it started going backwards, before our eyes he changed from an old joke into a younger serious well educated politician. He kept on saying “I’ve fooled them all, I’ve fooled them all!” ‘

Local Labour parliamentary candidate Chris Whatshisname was keen to visit the circus but was busy campaigning in Tamworth. He said:

‘I hope to have found my way to Lichfield in time for next year’s circus. I can then ride that carousel fast forwards.

‘I aim to be at least 35 years-old by the time of the General Election,’ added the 17 year-old.

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Hat tip to Ray Bradbury

 

Clowns International complain about the antics of Lichfield MP

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Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant has responded to claims that his appearances are “harming society” and helping to fuel the fear of clowns.

                                                            

Tony Eldridge, secretary of Clowns International which represents the performers in the UK  has said:

 

‘The Lichfield Clown is doing clowning no favours and is spoiling the reputation of professional clowns.’

 

The Lichfield Clown has regularly appeared in the City since his election in April 1992 and has more than 13,800 followers on Twitter. Often considered to be a copycat clown in the tradition of fellow Conservative buffoon, Boris Johnson, Mr Fabricant has made appearances on ‘Have I Got News for You’ and at Prime Minister’s Question Time sporting a false moustache and comedy wig.

 

Mr Eldridge said:

 

‘He might see it as a bit of a laugh, but for his constituents it can be a horrible experience. This has nothing to do with clowning, it’s just a small group of politicians with stupid views and it spoils the fun for everybody else.

 

‘Most professional clowns follow the clown code of conduct which includes not wearing their costume in public. Yet Mr Fabricant can regularly be seen in garishly coloured outfits in Lichfield and behaving like a fool.’

 

But, in an exclusive interview with Five Spires Live the publicity shy 75-year old MP said:

 

‘I’m sorry if my appearances have affected the work of professional clowns. All I do is appear in recognisable places around Lichfield and a lot of people still love it.

 

‘I wave at people who spot me and they wave back and ask for a photo. I can’t help it if some one who sees me is afraid of clowns.’

 

Although Mr Fabricant concedes:

 

‘I did have to apologise when I once posted a photo on Twitter with a guy standing behind me with his cock out.’