Month: November 2016
Staffordshire County Council approved almost £5 million in cuts to health and care services in September this year, which would see £439,000 of the Citizens Advice service’s funding being lost.
As part of the cuts Burntwood’s Citizens Advice Bureau has been closed and it’s elderly volunteers replaced with an Amazon Echo, a voice-activated internet-connected intelligent device that answers to the name of Alexa.
The device will be located on a table behind the Bureau’s front door and can be activated by citizens shouting their problems through the letterbox.
One of Burntwood’s many troubled residents is unemployed life coach Paul Mycock. He said:
‘I’ve been a regular at the CAB since I lost my job, especially during bad weather and the Jeremy Vine show.
‘The problem that I don’t really have this week turns on the correct interpretation of the provisions of The Consumer Contracts (Information, Cancellation and Additional Charges) Regulations 2013.
‘The CAB volunteers are great, particularly Mrs Norman, she’s a lovely old dear, but she hasn’t a clue – not unless it involves organising an online petition.
‘I knew she’d be on the Google for an hour or more before suggesting I see a decent local solicitor in Birmingham. Plenty of time for a brew and a chat by the radiator.’
Paul was shocked to discover the door to the CAB was locked but was intrigued by the instructions to shout through the letterbox. He continued:
‘I called out her name, “Alexa, Alexa are you there?” She said hello, she has a lovely sexy calming voice. I composed myself, placed my hand in my trouser pocket and told her of my 2013 Regulations based problem.
‘Quick as a flash Alexa came back with the answer, “14 days”. No tea, no biscuits and no time to sort myself out. It may be a quick, accurate and cost effective solution to Staffordshire’s financial crisis, but that’s not the point.
‘All I’m after is a bit of company, is that too much to ask?’
Staffordshire County Council refused to comment on the Echo trials although spokesperson Paula Wright did say:
‘There is an 80% chance of rain today.’
Proposals for an “adult café” in Lichfield’s Three Spires Shopping Centre have been submitted to the District Council’s planning department for pre-application consideration.
Modelled on successful businesses in Thailand, such as Dr. BJ’s Salon in Bangkok, Swiss entrepreneur Bradley Charvet hopes to open the UK’s first “fellatio café” in Lichfield. However due to the UK’s strict prostitution laws Charvet has revealed that the oral sex will be performed by ‘erotic cyborgs.’
In support of the application Mr Charvet said:
‘Our research indicates that Lichfield is an ideal location, demographically the city has the highest percentage of jerk jockeys in the UK.
‘A 15-minute oral sex session with a flat white will set punters back just £50. Any patrons who work up an appetite can pay extra for a sausage roll or cheesy panini.
‘The cafe will be home to eight robots dressed in a variety of costumes including nurse, police, student and local councillor.’
Lichfield plumber Paul Mycock commented:
‘As a member of Lichfield Round Table I’m obviously sexually frustrated, but if you’re asking me to pay £50 for a 15-minute sex session with a robot you’ve got to be having a laugh. I’d only last a minute.
‘Although I’ve no objection to robot sex, I imagine it’s much like going at it with my Pauline. Before she ran off with my mate from the Table. I still miss him.’
Any comments on the proposals should be addressed to Jon in Lichfield District Council’s planning department, although the plans are expected to go through on the nod. #OurDay
A Lichfield driver has expressed amazement after his first journey through Streethay for almost four months. The A5127 Burton Road was reopened at the weekend following a four month closure to allow construction works to take place.
‘The road closure has caused havoc with my daily commute, adding over 3,500 miles to my travel over the summer. Imagine my surprise driving through Streethay again today for the first time in months, not a thing has changed.
‘Four months of construction works, miles of diversions and traffic congestion and nothing, absolutely nothing to show for it. At the very least I was expecting to see a new leisure complex complete with a twenty-screen cinema and luxury marina.
‘And it’s not like I could have missed it, I was in stationary traffic for fifteen minutes waiting at the temporary traffic lights.’
For Streethay residents the road closure has provided welcome relief from the constant noise of through traffic. Local resident Frank Angryman said:
‘It has been a peaceful summer, especially as no noticeable construction work has taken place. Now we are looking forward to full scale work getting going on the new housing and industrial developments which will hopefully be completed in time for HS2 works to carve up the county.’
Local MP Michael Fabricant was asked to comment, he said:
The Boundary Commission 2018 boundary change proposals can be found Here
MP Michael Fabricant has invited President-Elect Donald Trump to Lichfield for a masterclass in Wall building.
Following Trump’s shock success in the US presidential election Mr Fabricant sent his congratulations to the Republican usurper. Declaring Trump’s victory in November to be a “Western Spring”. He said:
‘I congratulated Donald on his impressive victory and invited him to Lichfield to show him how a carefully constructed imaginary Wall created in the minds of unwanted sections of a community can be as effective as any actual physical structure.’
Donald Trump wants to build an “impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall” between the US and Mexico. The Republican victor’s big ideas have proven to be small on detail, and the wall is no exception. The US-Mexico border is almost 2,000 miles long and crosses all sorts of terrain from empty, dusty desert to the lush and rugged surroundings of the Rio Grande.
According to Mr Fabricant not only is the physical construction of such a wall a mammoth and costly engineering project, it is also unnecessary. He explained:
‘By vividly describing the wall during the election campaign many lazy Mexicans already believe that the structure exists and, preferring siestas to abseiling, will carry on raping and drug dealing in their own lands. It’s much the same in Burntwood which is itself beyond the Wall.’
Soon to be President Trump drew many parallels with Brexit during his campaign and harnessed the intellectual powers of UKIP’s odious recidivistic leader Nigel Fromage. Mr Trump admitted:
‘Sometimes all that the downtrodden, desperate and disenfranchised masses require is a leader of cunning, a demagogue who reads the waves of resentment and rides them to a popular victory. Well Hello there.’
Lichfield’s MP agreed:
‘Donald is basically a charismatic liar, selling the electorate an elaborate hoax of the utopian benefits of supporting his illusory world view.
‘Much the same was we did with Brexit. I’m the first person to stand up for our fantastic NHS, they’re doing a fantastic job already so do they really need that extra £350m a week? I don’t think so.’
When asked to comment on his invitation to Lichfield Mr Trump said:
‘I’m delighted that my idea of an imaginary wall has been implemented so effectively in Litchfield. I’ve never heard of this Fabricunt guy, but I’ll say this for him, he’s got great hair. Great hair.’