Theresa May

Lichfield constituents petition the PM to give Michael Fabricant peerage to get rid of him

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Following Prime Minister Theresa May’s drive to garner support for her defunct Brexit Withdrawal Agreement by bestowing honours on potential supporters, Lichfield voters are petitioning for their MP to be made a Lord as soon as possible.
Lord Lichfield
Burntwood health service worker Paul Mycock started the movement, he explained:

‘After the death this week of Conservative peer Baroness Trumpton and the knighthood of Tamworth MP Christopher “Bottom” Pincher, I conceived a plan that would rid us of our truculent member, a plan that his ego would find irresistible.

‘If we could persuade the PM offer him a peerage in return for his vote Fabricant would be unable to resist then he’d have to resign as our MP. Result. What a win win solution for all concerned.’

Not everyone is so enthusiastic about the premature ejaculation of Mr Fabricant into the upper echelons of British society. Long-time friend Andy Street is West Midlands Mayor. He said:

‘The plan was that when my term as Mayor ends in 2020, it would be general election time under the fixed term Parliament. Mike would retire and I would stand as candidate for Lichfield MP. Well, that was the plan, who knows when the next election will be now thanks to the incompetence of Mrs May.
‘But one thing’s for sure, if Mike becomes a Lord in the next few months I’m out of the game.
‘And that’s a shame, I’ve had my eye on Mike’s seat for years.’

Mr Fabricant was unavailable for comment as we went to press as he was trapped in a lift by Conservative Whips in a dummy run for 11 December.

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Lichfield MP’s doctor confirms that Conservatives ‘talk out of their arses’

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A local GP who referred Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant to a consultant proctologist has hit out at the Conservative government.

The Cloisters Medical Practice GP and chair of the  Royal College of General Practitioners, Helen Stokes-Lampard told ITV’s ‘Peston on Sunday’ this morning that doctors felt ‘demoralised and shocked’ by what many see as them being scapegoated for the crisis in the NHS. She said:

‘The Conservative government’s plan to force surgeries to open seven days a week,  8am to 8pm or suffer funding cuts is clearly preposterous. The current NHS crisis is a reflection of a service that is already cut beyond the bone.’

Lichfield patients, who are already facing long delays in securing appointments with their GP and local A&E departments being swamped by non-emergency admissions, are also threatened by the closure of Samuel Johnson Community Hospital minor injuries unit and a reduction in beds.


Shortly after the broadcast Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant tweeted:
‘Great to see @HelenStokesLam of @rcgp on #Peston. She is my GP in #Lichfield!’

In the run up to the 2015 General Election, Conservative candidate Mr Fabricant ‘ticked the NHS box’ by spending some time with Dr. Stokes-Lampard in her Greenhill surgery. At the time he said:
‘The work of the GP and their staff is the front end of our NHS – without their expertise, the system would collapse. I am hugely impressed. I hope to make use of my experience as a valuable resource when considering NHS matters in the House of Commons.’
In response to Dr. Stoke-Lampards comments and recent criticism of his government’s handling of the NHS by junior doctors, the Red Cross and patients groups Mr Fabricant made use of his experience as a valuable resource when he appeared on BBC’s Daily Politics. He said:
‘It is an outrage, the treatment that these elderly confused folk received in Birmingham last weekend. Blacking-up by morris dancing buffoons is an ancient tradition that I will go out of my way to defend.’

Commenting on Mr Fabricant’s lack of engagement in local matters medical a spokesman for The Cloisters Medical Practice said:
‘Like all Conservatives from the PM down, Mr Fabricant is talking out of his arse. And we should know.’

Lichfield MP urged by Theresa May not to support her campaign

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Conservative leadership candidate Theresa May has pleaded with Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant not to declare support for her campaign.

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Unwelcome support

The battle to succeed David Cameron at Number 10 has seen a number of MPs benefiting from the endorsement of the Lichfield incumbent. Before any candidates had declared, Mr Fabricant was first out of the trap to declare that he was firmly behind fellow clown Boris Johnson’s claim to the throne.
He announced on Twitter:

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But following a tip-off in the early hours of Thursday morning that Blair-cuckold Rupert Murdoch had ordered the political assassination of Mr Johnson, the Lichfield member immediately switched his allegiance to someone who looked like a winner.

Unwittingly he opted for Justice Secretary Michael Gove, a self-styled egotist powered by a vortex of schoolboy inadequacy, haunted by the fear that his wife was punching below her weight. Mr Gove said:

‘I did almost everything not to be a candidate for the leadership of this party. I was so very reluctant because I know my limitations. Whatever charisma is, I don’t have it, whatever glamour may be, I don’t think anyone could ever associate me with it.’

Prior to the public announcement by Boris of his own demise, Mr Fabricant in a Saul-to-Paul-like conversion declared that Mr Gove was the only credible candidate for the PM’s job. He said:

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With support for Mr Grove dramatically dwindling going into the weekend, Mrs May’s team became increasingly concerned that Mr Fabricant would switch support to the Home Secretary. In a late night telephone call to the Lichfield MP Mrs May said:

‘Michael you’re a buffoon, but if I can rely on you to lend your support to Julie Andrews tribute act Andrea Leadsom, I can promise you a Cabinet roll.’

Sandwiches are also available at Cabinet meetings.