Month: April 2015

Overwhelming public demand forces Lichfield UKIP candidate to agree to a poetry recital

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Lichfield and Burntwood UKIP candidate John Rackham promised local voters a real treat when he announced a series of public readings following his hugely successful appearance at the People InSpired election hustings last Sunday (19 April).

Last orders
Last orders

John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

The city’s favourite barman added:

‘I was delighted that over 300 people packed into the Cathedral to see me and listen to what I had to say. And I can tell you they were stunned into silence by my eloquent reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto.’

The owner of The Kings Head pub in Bird Street can be found manning the UKIP stand in Market Street each Saturday in the run up to the General Election. Accompanied by fellow UKIP members and nightclub bouncers, John hands out leaflets and chats with local white middle-class voters of limited intelligence.

This Saturday (25 April) John will be joining the other parliamentary candidates for a hustings at Speakers’ Corner. John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

He added:

‘Dozens of people have come up to me in the boozer and said “Pint of Pedi please guv’nor” That’s what they call me you know, “The Guv’nor”, like in them gangster movies and Eastenders, ’cause I may be 69-years-old but I’m still fuckin’ ‘ard. And they say to me, “Loved your reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto guv, when can we hear more?”

‘Well there’s much more where that came from I can tell you, join me at the Speakers’ Corner on Saturday.’

At the Cathedral last Sunday John demonstrated his oratory skills as he read segments verbatim from the UKIP manifesto in response to impassioned pleas from the audience for guidance on a wide range of issues. He even threw in an ad-lib in reply to a question on what UKIP would do about climate change. To the delight and amusement of the audience John responded:

‘I’ve just read something about that…oh yes here we are – as you all well know, our position on climate change is “we’ll be keeping an eye on that”.’

After the break in proceedings,during which the congregation were invited to use the toilet facilities in McDonald’s Restaurant, John returned to the stage to apologise for the poor sound quality during the first session. He explained:

‘Apparently I should hold the microphone closer to my mouth, which I find a little bit of an odd suggestion as most of the time I’m talking out of my arse.’

Missing presumed dead
Missing presumed dead

The Kings Head is the oldest pub in Lichfield dating back to 1408 and is the birthplace of The Staffordshire Regiment. In honour of the pub’s military connections John has expressed a wish to expand his public reading repertoire. He explained:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.

‘I plan to find time at the next hustings to give a poetry recital with a military theme.

‘ I had originally considered something by Siegfried Sassoon, but then our UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff pointed out that the guy must be a bloody German, that his middle name was Loraine and that after the War he went on to become a ladies hairdresser. That ticks all the wrong UKIP boxes.

‘So I’ve chosen “Dulce Et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen, he sounds like a good old fashioned  English heterosexual to me, even if his poem does sound a bit French. Here’s a little extract:

“But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,

And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…

Dim, through the misty panes…”

‘Sounds a bit like me on Sunday evening at the Cathedral come to think of it,’  reflected the 69-year-old boozer.

Anyone who wishes to contact Burntwood UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff, who has not been seen in public since his election in 2013, are advised to contact him either at The Kings Head or with the assistance of a medium.

Al Murray was unavailable for comment.

Lichfield to become an Amish community under proposals set out in Green Party election manifesto

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As the 2015 General Election campaign gets into it’s stride Lichfield’s Green Party candidate Robert Pass declares that when he is elected as MP Lichfield will become the UK’s first independent Amish community.

amish-pas

Rob will contest the seat currently held by Michael Fabricant on May 7. He grew up in Whittington and attended school in Lichfield before studying Old Chinese Proverbs at Birmingham University. He has also been an environmental campaigner with Birmingham Friends of the Earth and works in the family rag-and-bone company, “Where There’s Muck There’s Money” Limited based in Birmingham.

Rob said:

‘Admittedly I’ve never travelled very far from home in my life, but then a pony and trap has a very limited range.’

The Green Party’s local spokesperson is Whittington based Simon Partridge. The self-styled “Elegant Vintage Vocalist” and lounge lizard crooned:

‘There may be trouble ahead, but while there’s moonlight and music and love and romance, we couldn’t have hoped for a better candidate than Robert to represent the Green Party. And dance.’

Simon Partridge
Simon Partridge

The Green’s launch party was held at Burntwood Rugby Club  where the campaign’s incoherent national policy was explained to an uninterested audience. Attracted to the event by the warmth of the venue on a  freezing-cold Sunday afternoon and with the promise of free lentil soup and herbal tea, the five locals were left bemused by the Green Party policy pledges (many of which are true) including:

  • Handouts of £250 billion to enable people to “choose whether or not to bother going to work.”
  • Basic maths and economics – banned as irrelevant
  • Inheritance tax – 100%
  • Cars – banned
  • Foreign holidays – banned
  • Imports – banned
  • The sex industry- compulsory.
  • Prisons closed and inmates released to work on the land and paint barns doors.
  • Independent schools – banned.
  • Religious instruction – banned.
  • Basket weaving,ploughing and tree-whispering will become core subjects.
  • Wispy beards compulsory for all, including womenfolk
  • Advertising – banned.
  • International sporting fixtures – banned.
  • New airports – banned.
  • New homes and businesses to provide stables for horses.
  • Helicopters – banned.
  • Abortion liberalised to allow doctor’s receptionists to carry out the procedure
  • Breastfeeding in public – compulsory
  • Membership of a terrorist groups – discretionary
  • As the standing Armed services are “unnecessary”, bases will be turned into nature reserves and the arms industry “converted” to produce wind turbines.
  • The monarchy will be abolished and the Queen will become a tenant of Bromford Housing

During the eight hour launch party Mr Partridge glided amongst the gatherers to give wonderful renditions of timeless Green Party classics such as Pennies From Heaven, Call Me Irresponsible and Anything Goes . Rob was delighted and commented:

‘A big thanks to Lloyd the Bartender, this style of music has always appealed to the Greens – the Big Banned Sound.’

'Words of wisdom, Lloyd my man. Words of wisdom.'
‘Words of wisdom, Lloyd my man. Words of wisdom.’

Speaking later from his home in the Tree-house at the bottom of his parents’ garden, Rob said:

‘The Green Party offers a truly bonkers alternative to real world politics. I’m proud to stand as Green Party candidate in my home city and pledge to fight for an economy that functions in the interests of the common good, for a society that is fair and democratic…’

‘…and a planet that is habitable for future generations Rob,’ prompted the Tree, quietly but with a hint of menace.

Anyone wishing to send their loved ones off in style can contact Simon for a funeral wake package at www.simonpartridge.com

The candidates standing in the Lichfield constituency in May are:

  • Andy Bennetts – EDL Splinter Left Drunk Faction Party
  • Michael Fabricant – Whigs
  • Robert Pass – Amish
  • John Rackham – Pub Landlord FUKP
  • Paul Ray – Sepia Jacobson Bored Lawyer Party
  • Chris Worsey – Labour (Sandwell) 2020 Party