Month: September 2016

Lichfield’s Night Watch crack down on “West Midlands filth” breaching the Wall via the Cross City line.

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Staffordshire Police have responded in support of Lichfield’s self-styled Watchers on the Wall to rid the city of West Midland migrant youths pouring into Lichfield City train station and causing havoc in the town.

Lichfield’s Watchers, the provisional wing of Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS), have made a number of “citizen’s arrests” in an ongoing operation to stop the young male troublemakers flocking into Lichfield from the West Midlands conurbation.

Lichfield retained control of its borders by opting out the Shenstone Zone Agreement which permits free movement of people within the West Midlands. However over the summer there have been an increasing number of troubling incidents, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Sidney Sprite, 103, said:

‘There have been a number of incidents of violence, sexual assault and burglary in the last month all involving young males from the Birmingham area entering the City via the Cross City train line. In the evening Lichfield City station is effectively an open sewer spewing West Midlands filth out onto the streets of our City.

‘We have been working very closely and sharing intelligence with British Transport Police and West Midlands Police with the aim to resolve this issue.This includes the setting up of external Lichfield border controls in Shenstone.’

Shenstone residents are not impressed, local IT consultant Paul Mycock, 33, said:

‘I’m not impressed. Setting up border controls in Shenstone merely shifts what is essentially a Lichfield problem onto the streets of our village. Brummies have started to set up a makeshift camp in the grounds of UAV Engines. It’s like a jungle out there.’

Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant fully supports the Provo BSTARDS Shenstone solution. He said:

‘This is the perfect solution to the migrant crisis and, more importantly, Shenstone is not in my constituency. I will be taking the matter up directly with the Transport minister.’

Lichfield MP welcomes Boundary Commission changes

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The Boundary Commission has drawn up plans to move Whittington and Streethay from the Lichfield constituency into the neighbouring Tamworth electoral area.

The proposal was branded as “excellent news” by Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant.
He said:

‘This will considerably reduce my workload. It will, at a stroke, remove all of those Whittington golfers whinging on about HS2 carving through their clubhouse and golf course. In addition I will no longer have to pretend to be interested in the local objections to the new residential and commercial developments in Streethay and its associated traffic problems. What’s not to like?’

Tamworth Conservative MP Chris Pincher says that the changes will bolster his parliamentary majority. He commented:

‘I welcome all former Lichfield Conservative voters into our Birmingham sink town constituency. I am sure that my objections to HS2 in 2010 that were instrumental in shifting the route out from Hopwas and Mile Oak and straight through Whittington Heath Golf Club have long since been forgotten.’


Less impressed is Robert Past, leader of Whittington’s Amish community and current chair of the so-called Green Party’s Lichfield and Burntwood branch. Speaking from the Tree House at the bottom of his parents’ garden the 15 year old firebrand said:

‘The Boundary Commission’s plan to remove Whittington from the Lichfield constituency is mindless and insensitive. Our weekly journey for essential provisions by pony and trap will take an extra three hours if we have to shop with the peasants at Tamworth Asda. This will be a real burden on our women folk especially in winter.’

Another consequence of the boundary changes will be the loss of Lichfield Trent Valley station from the constituency. MP Mr Fabricant has been taking up the matter of disabled access to the split level platforms with ministers for a number of years, he said:

‘Thank goodness I won’t be held responsible for this project when it’s kicked into the long grass again for another ten years. But as a regular rail traveller who is becoming increasingly infirm this is a real concern for Lichfield constituents. I will certainly be lobbying the MP responsible, Chris Pincher of Tamworth, to hold ministers to account.’

Mr Fabricant is widely expected to stand down as Conservative candidate for Lichfield MP before the next election in favour of his long term friend, West Midland’s Mayor Andy Street.

People have until December 5 to give their views on the proposed boundary changes via the online consultation website.

Lichfield MP endorses Street coronation

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Andy Street

Andy Street, former managing director of John Lewis Partnership, launched his political career amid speculation that he is being groomed to become the Conservative Party candidate for Lichfield at the next general election.

Current incumbent Michael Fabricant is widely expected to step aside, by popular demand, in favour of his long term friend in that election which is scheduled to take place in May 2020.

The start of Mr Street’s political career will be his coronation as the Conservative Party candidate for West Midlands mayor on 29 September, ahead of the Conservative Party conference where Mr Street will welcome Prime Minister Theresa May and the party faithful to Birmingham on October 2.

Lichfield Conservative Party chairman, Fr. Jonathan Hall welcomed the anointment he said:

‘Andy has done brilliantly well, he was the only candidate with the vision to submit his application for West Midlands mayor in an unannounced and secretive selection process before nominations closed on 31 August. And he’s a close friend of Michael’s, what could possibly go wrong?’

A spokesman for John Lewis said:

‘We wish Andy well in his bid to become West Midlands Mayor. We would also like to thank the Conservative party for keeping the selection process as covert and undemocratic as possible, thereby protecting the John Lewis group from exposure to the commercial risks that would have resulted from a correctly procured selection process. We thank Andy for his prompt resignation and no, he will not be welcome back when he fails to get elected.’

The West Midlands mayoral election will take place in May 2017 with the successful candidate being in place for three years, which will coincide with the next scheduled general election in 2012.

Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant said:

‘My long standing friendship with Andy Street is well documented in my previous interviews with the Daily Mail and Pink News, but I deny that I had any influence in the selection process for mayor. However I fully endorse Andy as my worthy successor to the crown of Lichfield in 2020. I need to retire whilst I’m still on top but I’m running dry on the Twitter nob gags.

‘Lichfield deserves a seamless succession and with Andy as MP that’s what it will get, after all he is strong advocate for HS2 and a Remainer in the Brexit referendum. Oh, hang on a minute….’

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