Month: March 2014

Search continues for missing Lichfield Labour parliamentary candidate

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THE search is continuing this weekend for Labour Party parliamentary candidate Chris Whereishey who hasn’t been seen in Lichfield since his selection three months ago.

Leading the search is Lichfield Labour activist Ken Redman, he said:

‘Chris disappeared off the City’s political radar shortly after taking off as the Labour Parliamentary candidate back in January. There was a brief fund raising event with his Aunty Jacqui Spliff at an undisclosed location beyond the Wall, but after that… nothing.’

With the assistance of local computer nerd and amateur journalist John Philips, mobile phone records and sporadic re-tweet activity of 17-year-old Mr Whereishey’s Twitter account have been used to create a map showing his possible location to assist with search efforts.

Mr Philips commented:

‘My skills as a technical wizard and amateur journalist have enabled me create this digital map showing a north-south arch of likely locations to the west of the Wall, from Rugeley in the north, through the People’s Republic of Burntwood down to Great Barr in the south.’

Lichfield District Council Labour Group Leader, ‘Butcher of Burntwood’ Norman Steven said:

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‘It’s a mystery, I say, it’s a mystery what has happened to our Chris. I fear he may be lost to us forever, lost to us I say, lost to us forever just like those other young chaps Steve Hyden back in 2010, Nigel Gardner further back in 2005 and Marin Machray further further back in 2001. They disappeared, I say disappeared, without trace off of the face of the political earth.’

Not all former Labour candidates have been so easily disposed of. Sue Woodward, who  failed to win the seat in 1997, went on to have a fulfilling career as local councillor for potholes, speed-reading and expensive children’s swings.

But in the spirit of cross-party cooperation District Council Leader Mike Wilcox (Con) has put the Fradley Microlight  Airborne Division at the disposal of the Labour search party. Wing Commander Michael ‘Mick’ Shea is based at the Roddige Airfield, he commented:

‘We’ve been flying sorties over the northern and southern search arcs for the past two weeks.

‘Earlier today Flying Officer Sandra ‘Sandy’ Sanders spotted debris floating on Chasewater Reservoir, we’ve alerted ground forces. Sandy has done a sterling job despite being a girl.’

Burntwood-on-Sea Coast Guard Search and Rescue leader Dave Kitthoff explained:

‘As soon as we became aware of possible sightings we despatch a couple of windsurfers off to investigate. They returned to base after the wind changed direction three hours later.

‘Unfortunately, all they found were a couple of soiled disposable baby nappies and a floating bag of dog turds. Nothing unusual for Chasewater in fact.’

Meanwhile publicity shy, local pantomime ‘MP’  Michael Fabricant commented:

‘I have nothing against the lad, in fact… I rather wish I had!  #sexualinuendo. But I warn him now, I don’t give up my seat easily #sexualgag. Did I just say gag! [Panto face] He’s behind you! Haha ho ho I’m on fire today. Must have been that curry …bum bum!

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‘But please remember I am a serious politician, I wore a suit last week in Preston Crown Court. REDACTED-REDACTED-SUB JUDICE-REDACTED. Although, as I’m not a lawyer, the judge was absolutely right to order that I remove my wig in court.’

Meanwhile, the search goes on. Anyone who has any information that could help to trace Mr Whereishey should contact their local Labour councillor . Anyone who could help trace over 17,000 missing voters in time for the next general  election is advised to wake up.

 

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New swing in a park

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CHILDREN queued up for hours for a turn on a new swing in Chase Terrace Park last week when Lichfield District Council unveiled the new visitor attraction.

The swing was installed at a cost of £2,700.00 thanks to the sterling efforts of Councillor Sue Woodward.

Councillor Andy Smith, Lichfield District Council’s Cabinet Member for Public Toilets, said:

‘We’re ever so grateful to Councillor Woodward for spending £2,700.00 of public money on a swing. A swing is always really popular with children of all ages. The infants enjoy the rhythmic backwards and forwards motion and the look of utter boredom on their dad’s face; and the older kids enjoy recreating Foucault’s famous experiment to demonstrate the rotation of the earth.

‘We know it is sure to become a lively topic of conversation for families visiting the park.’

Local mum of three Britney Singleton commented:

‘I’ll certainly be taking the kids to see the £2,700.00 swing in the coming weeks, I can’t afford child care so there’s not much else I can do with them.’

Councillor Woodward, Staffordshire County Councillor for Burntwood North, said:

‘Through speaking to residents, I knew that a £2,700.00 swing was a top priority and a very popular choice. I am thrilled it is already being enjoyed by so many children on their way back from the food bank.’

Little six-year-old reveller Ben, enjoying his time marvelling at the new £2,700.00 swing said:

‘Please can we go home now mom.’

Lichfield District Council Leader Mike Wilcox (Con) reluctantly praised the popular Labour Councillor’s efforts:

‘I will certainly be taking my grandchildren to see the new £2,700.00 swing. I couldn’t have spent the money better myself, and that’s saying something.

‘Come on kids ‘To me to you’.’

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Parliamentary candidate for Lichfield pledges he ‘really wants to get a decent PR company’

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LABOUR parliamentary candidate for Lichfield, 17 year-old Sandwell College student Chris Whoishey, visited 5SL’s offices recently to introduce himself.

Our receptionist, Cloe, said:

‘Sorry the job of sourcing and photoshopping copyright pictures has been filled.’

Chris pushed his way passed and insisted:

‘I think I’m part of the next generation of politicians, I can’t be sure, but I’m told that I think I am,’ said Chris.

‘Everybody, including me, is pretty sick at the way things are going currently.

‘Sorry, but as you can see, my PR advisors can barely string together a coherent press release, and don’t get me started on the clichés.

‘What we need is less talk and more action. I got involved in politics because I genuinely believe I can make a difference. And in my short time already I think I have.’

‘See what I mean, I’m talking utter bollocks!’

Chris Whoishey is a local man, if you live in Walsall, and is studying for an ‘A’ Level in Career Politics at Sandwell College. Last year he completed a weekend break in New York which led to a work experience job in a large bank in London, but he soon realised that a career in banking was not for him.

‘After 6 months I woke up and thought “I’m crap at this”,’ said Chris.

‘I could see my life mapped out for me, yes I could see that I was about to be fired, and didn’t like what I saw.

‘I really had no choice but to move back home with Mom, became self-unemployed and get involved in the Labour Party.”

Lichfield’s current  MP Michael Fabricant has represented the constituency since 1992.

The flamboyant former whip and Preston Crown Court star prosecution witness is a popular figure in the constituency and won with a 17,683 majority in 2010, 10,000 votes up on the previous election in 2005.

‘I’ve got nothing against him personally,’ said Chris.

“The stuff I’ve seen of him has made me laugh – like wearing the fake tash in Parliament, appearing in clown costume around Lichfield, donating his hairpiece to the Cathedral Christmas tree, dressing up as Judy Garland and, most hilariously, pretending to care about the route of HS2,’ added Chris.

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‘Lichfield is a lovely place to live and I’m just hoping for the opportunity to visit the Cathedral City some day. For the moment though I’m happy to stray no further than Burntwood border and bask in the sycophantic adulation of the bitter elderly socialists of the PRofB and Brownhills.”

Outside of ‘work’ Chris enjoys football and also declares himself a big Villa fan.

“Many of my Labour heroes are also big Villa fans, for instance former PM and alleged war criminal Tony Blair has a big Villa in Tuscany.

‘As for the football, the first season I started going with my dad and brother David Prescott to see the Aston Villas was 1992/93 – we finished second. Mmmm perhaps not a great metaphor,’ said Chris reflecting again on his choice of PR firm.

‘My Dad turned to me and said “Why don’t you come up to live with me in Hull and spend a few years in the merchant navy, that’ll toughen you up you little scrote.”  That’s the last time he spoke to me, until my recent selection. Bastard.’

“I’m also a cricket fan, like my other Labour hero, former Conservative PM John Major. He ran away from the circus to become a politician, just like Mr Fabricunt but in reverse. So to speak, and no that wasn’t a euphemism.

‘I played cricket in Lichfield once at the old Birmingham Road ground before it was sold off and converted into a block of slum flats fit the 2020’s

‘I’ve also recently got into running – running for office, running out of time, running to catch up, running for cover in Burntwood.’

Chris said he was raised on music from the 60s and the 70s and, under his pseudonym Chris Worsley, is now an accomplished cellist, having played for a while with The Divine Comedy. The metaphor is again a little unfortunate as one commentator commentated:

‘He’s just changed from on big fiddle to another.’

The next few months are likely to be very busy for Chris who is getting married in August to Hannah, who teaches English as a second language to English kids at a school in West Bromwich.

‘Things are hectic at the moment what with the wedding and parliamentary campaign but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hopefully after the wedding Hannah will be able to help translate my press releases into English,’ he added.

Anyone who wants to know more about how Chris will overturn a 17,683 Conservative majority can contact former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, no expenses spared, at the UHB NHS Trust and @smithjj62 . Mrs Smith who attended a local fund raising event for Chris said:

‘Leave my husband out of this. I have friends who know what you’re watching as well you know.’

 

 

Boost for Chandlers Café as more Lichfield public toilets become available

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Following the successful launch of its coffee-shop-in-a-public-convenience in Bird Street, Lichfield based Chandlers expansion plans have been given a boost by a review of toilet facilities by the local council.

Lichfield District Council’s Leisure Parks and Waste Management (Overview and Scrutiny Committee) met this evening (Wednesday) to consider a report on the future of Lichfield’s public toilets.

Chandlers manager Steve Wicks commented:

‘We are aware that this review is taking place and that the Council Toilet Committee may elect to offload. We specialise in providing coffee, tea and tasty snacks in locations convenient to Lichfield residents. What could be better than having a hot drink, a chat with friends and then a quick crap on the way out. That’s the service we seek to provide.

‘We are particularly interested in the Lichfield Bus Station site where the Council estimates that some 310,000 service users have called in to take a piss in the last twelve months. We could easily double that number after a large Cappuccino and a Danish pastry.’

An internal working group of Council officers was formed to carry out a feasibility study for charging for toilet use in the future. The team is lead by elected member Harry Hardstaff. Cllr Hardstaffe said:

‘The number of toilet visits was measured by light-beam counters placed at shin level within the toilet blocks. The numbers were promising, but in the autumn the accuracy of the counters in each toilet block was calibrated by a series of 3-hour visual checks by my team.

‘Following my visual checks and later release from custody on bail, I concluded that the counters over-reported user numbers by a factor of 2 . No-one had realised that shin level beams were likely to count legs rather than people. Though in the Gents some lads were proudly recording a ‘3’ as they approached the porcelain.’

Faced with the possible closures the  Council Labour group leader Norman Stephen commented:

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‘You can’t, I say you can’t close all the district’s bogs. Chandlers won’t be interested, I say Chandlers won’t be interested in serving cappuccinos in the Burntwood shitters. If the Sankey’s Corner pisser closes the galls ’ll be spraying, I say spraying, up the chippy door on a Friday night.’’

As a substitute for the other closed sites the Council has considered a Community Public Toilet Scheme which  allows members of the public to use the toilet facilities in a range of approved local businesses.

Such a scheme is already being piloted in the City by The Malt Bar and Restaurant in Wade Street. With street level access via double doors opened by whoever is unwittingly sitting closest to them, the ground floor disabled toilet is a short wheelchair roll across a level wooden floor unobstructed by the three regular customers. The pretty blonde girl who works on a Saturday commented:

‘I’ve left. And stop following me.’

A decision on the future of the district’s toilets is expected within the next few weeks. Chanders Mr Wicks is confident that his coffee toilet chain will be expanding:

‘This is an exciting time for us, we intend to re-brand our outlets as ‘Chandlers Craperies.’

Anyone who may be double incontinent and unable to visit the City centre without relieving themselves every five minutes can download a few sheets of toilet paper at

http://www.lichfielddc.gov.uk/meetings/meeting/921/operational_services_leisure_tourism_and_communications_overview_and_scrutiny_committee