Defeated Labour party parliamentary candidate Chris Worsey has blamed leaflet drops to every door in the constituency for his defeat in the general election.
In the wake of the ballot box thrashing which saw incumbent MP Michael Fabricant re-elected with an increased majority on a reduced turn-out following five years of austerity imposed by the Conservative-led coalition government, Mr Worsey gave his in-depth analysis on Twitter, he said:
‘Labour needs to learn these lessons and fast – no more leaflet drops to every door in a constituency.’
Speaking from his home in Walsall, the Sandwell councillor for Great Barr elaborated:
‘It became clear to me, immediately after I failed to get elected and the number of Labour councillors on Lichfield District Council was reduced to four, that the weeks that I spent posting leaflets through Conservative voters’ doors in Yardley had been a complete waste of time.
‘Another key reason for the result was that the Tories spent £100,000 a month on Facebook. That’s ten times as much as Labour did.
‘I recall saying to my mate, paedophile-hunter Tom Watson whilst out canvassing with him in West Bromwich, that I should
spend more time on Twitter. At the time he disagreed, saying that not everyone in Lichfield and Burntwood were Aston Villa fans. But I think he was wrong. Look at the runaway success of the Lichfield Hobbit MP who spent all of his “campaign” tweeting and twanking from Cafe Nero.
‘’Wherever that is?’
Recently appointed Leader of Lichfield District Council’s Sue Woodward was equally disappointed. She said:
‘We clearly failed to connect with our core voters. I understand Chris’ argument, what’s the point in pushing leaflets through the letter boxes of people who can’t read?
‘I will be launching a petition calling for all ballot papers to include photo’s of all of the candidates. Not only would it help identify me as the out-and-about nosey local councillor but it would also frighten away voters who may otherwise have inadvertently voted for LibDem Marion Bland.’
Defeated former Labour Group Leader agreed with his wife, Steve Woodward said:
‘I say Chris is a nice lad, a nice lad I say – I almost met him once. And I agree with his comments on social media – is it really just a coincidence that FiveSpiresLive twitter nonsense is frequently retweeted by Fabricant, ignored by me and Sue and blocked by failed LIbDem Poor Ray? The results speak for themselves.’
As the nation decides and the voters of Lichfield (and half a dozen folks from Burntwood) anoint Michael Fabricant on his triumphant return to Cathedral Close for another term, what becomes of the other candidates?
Chris Worse-y (Labour) leaves Lichfield for the final time and returns to his real life as a Sandwell Councillor hoping to be nominated in a West Midlands constituency that he is actually interested in when he leaves college in five years time.
The LibDem candidate Poor Ray, having failed to be elected either as our new MP or as councillor for Chadsmead returns to his charismatic and ever popular day job as a banking lawyer. The only chance he has of being called “councillor” [sic] is if he transfers to the New York Bar.
Pub Landlord, “the Gu’vnor” Johnny Rackman returns to the Kings Head stunned by the fact that despite the height of his campaign being his faltering rendition of sections of the UKIP manifesto, he has actually come second. Hosting a “private” party in the pub into the early hours of Friday morning celebrating the life of the comedy script writer Roy Clarke, the ruddy faced drunks head off to Burntwood Leisure Centre for the count.
On hearing the declaration he becomes giddy, not through an excess of Pedigree ale but rocked by the realisation of “what the fuck would I have done if I’d actually won”
Rob Pass of the Green Party impressed many during the campaign and benefited from the piss-poor performance of the
LibDems. When even the LibDems own campaign team say they’ll vote for another candidate you know it’s not going to end well. As a result the Greens keep their deposit and the passionate and earnest Pass returns to his beloved Tree house hoping that the coming years will involve more sex.
Water-gypsy and angry T-shirt printer Andy Bennetts burst onto the Lichfield political scene as the Class War Party candidate. Class War is a party of shaven-headed banner-waving drunks, the Provisional Wing of the Labour Party, whose image prompted Michael Fabricant to call for police protection at the Cathedral hustings.
In reality Bennetts fought a refreshing, articulate and entertaining campaign and captured the nature of the constituency perfectly. My favourite moment was at Speakers Corner where a CND/Green lady urged the crowd to join a protest against Trident outside of Waterstones in Birmingham the following day. Bennetts responded:
‘I don’t think there are any nuclear weapons in Waterstones Birmingham, so if you’re serious about protesting get a train to Faslane.’
A Class Act yet he loses his deposit but having been out drinking all day he doesn’t give a toss, after all it wasn’t his fucking money anyway.
The Stick was a late-comer but wowed the crowd with his appearance as Michael Fabricant’s alter-ego at the Speakers’ Corner hustings. He listened carefully to the debate, allowing the other candidates to put their case undaunted by the presence of the great parliamentarian himself. On international affairs Stick remained tight lipped about his travels far and wide around the globe, thereby avoiding the crowd’s heckle: “Pity you never managed to find Burntwood.”
Stick will now assist Michael Fabricant with his constituency work. Whilst Mr Fabricant is busy drinking with cronies in Cafe Nero or retweeting Twanks to his sycophantic Twitter followers, Stick will be holding the fort in Burntwood. Regular surgeries will be the order of the day, Stick will go along to the Leisure Centre twice a month and listen attentively to the health and welfare concerns of the Lost Tribe.
Stick will then say nothing and do nothing, just like Mr Fabricant himself.
Anyone who is concerned about the outcome of this election is advised to wait, another may well be on its way sooner than expected.
As the 2015 General Election campaign gets into it’s stride Lichfield’s Green Party candidate Robert Pass declares that when he is elected as MP Lichfield will become the UK’s first independent Amish community.
Rob will contest the seat currently held by Michael Fabricant on May 7. He grew up in Whittington and attended school in Lichfield before studying Old Chinese Proverbs at Birmingham University. He has also been an environmental campaigner with Birmingham Friends of the Earth and works in the family rag-and-bone company, “Where There’s Muck There’s Money” Limited based in Birmingham.
‘Admittedly I’ve never travelled very far from home in my life, but then a pony and trap has a very limited range.’
The Green Party’s local spokesperson is Whittington based Simon Partridge. The self-styled “Elegant Vintage Vocalist” and lounge lizard crooned:
‘There may be trouble ahead, but while there’s moonlight and music and love and romance, we couldn’t have hoped for a better candidate than Robert to represent the Green Party. And dance.’
The Green’s launch party was held at Burntwood Rugby Club where the campaign’s incoherent national policy was explained to an uninterested audience. Attracted to the event by the warmth of the venue on a freezing-cold Sunday afternoon and with the promise of free lentil soup and herbal tea, the five locals were left bemused by the Green Party policy pledges (many of which are true) including:
- Handouts of £250 billion to enable people to “choose whether or not to bother going to work.”
- Basic maths and economics – banned as irrelevant
- Inheritance tax – 100%
- Cars – banned
- Foreign holidays – banned
- Imports – banned
- The sex industry- compulsory.
- Prisons closed and inmates released to work on the land and paint barns doors.
- Independent schools – banned.
- Religious instruction – banned.
- Basket weaving,ploughing and tree-whispering will become core subjects.
- Wispy beards compulsory for all, including womenfolk
- Advertising – banned.
- International sporting fixtures – banned.
- New airports – banned.
- New homes and businesses to provide stables for horses.
- Helicopters – banned.
- Abortion liberalised to allow doctor’s receptionists to carry out the procedure
- Breastfeeding in public – compulsory
- Membership of a terrorist groups – discretionary
- As the standing Armed services are “unnecessary”, bases will be turned into nature reserves and the arms industry “converted” to produce wind turbines.
- The monarchy will be abolished and the Queen will become a tenant of Bromford Housing
During the eight hour launch party Mr Partridge glided amongst the gatherers to give wonderful renditions of timeless Green Party classics such as Pennies From Heaven, Call Me Irresponsible and Anything Goes . Rob was delighted and commented:
‘A big thanks to Lloyd the Bartender, this style of music has always appealed to the Greens – the Big Banned Sound.’
Speaking later from his home in the Tree-house at the bottom of his parents’ garden, Rob said:
‘The Green Party offers a truly bonkers alternative to real world politics. I’m proud to stand as Green Party candidate in my home city and pledge to fight for an economy that functions in the interests of the common good, for a society that is fair and democratic…’
‘…and a planet that is habitable for future generations Rob,’ prompted the Tree, quietly but with a hint of menace.
Anyone wishing to send their loved ones off in style can contact Simon for a funeral wake package at www.simonpartridge.com
The candidates standing in the Lichfield constituency in May are:
- Andy Bennetts – EDL Splinter Left Drunk Faction Party
- Michael Fabricant – Whigs
- Robert Pass – Amish
- John Rackham – Pub Landlord FUKP
- Paul Ray – Sepia Jacobson Bored Lawyer Party
- Chris Worsey – Labour (Sandwell) 2020 Party
The Class War Party has announced the selection of local anarchist Andy Bennetts as it’s parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood in the 2015 General Election.
Class War, a UK class-struggle based group founded in 1983 by Ian Bonehead, became a registered political party in 2014.
Local water-gypsy and part-time comedian Andy said:
‘Class War puts working class politics at the heart of everything that it does, which means it is angry and fucking sweary just like all the great unwashed stereotypical working class that we claim to represent. They’re all at it, those stereotypical working class guys, boozing away the weekend on Carlsberg Special Brew, shagging ugly drunk birds and telling the Filth to “just fuck off out of my face”.’
Speaking at his launch event through a megaphone to group of five Tennents Super connoisseurs Andy compares the general election to a “‘periodic circus”.
‘Lichfield’s MP on May 8 will be Michael Fabricunt, he could go on fucking holiday today to his country mansion and leave his wig to fight the campaign and still win.’
Speaking from his North Wales country retreat Michael Fabricant commented:
‘I take nothing for granted. I stand on my record. Is it over yet?’
Mr Bennetts continued:
‘We’re having more of a pantomime than an election. Chris Whoishey is busy trying to make a good impression on the Labour party in the hope of being selected to fight a winnable seat in Sandwell in the future. Robert Passable (Green Amish Party), Paul Ray (Browne Nose Party) and the Pub Landlord (UKIP) are all trying to raise their profile locally in the hope of some success in local council elections.
‘This election is a lot of old fucking bollocks.’
When not on his canal boat swearing at passers-by and barking at dogs Andy works at Sabcat a Pelsall based Antichrist Workers Co-operative that sources ethically produced fair wear, organic, low-carbon T-shirts and then prints foul language and offensive images onto them for money.
Anyone who would like to learn more about the Provisional wing of the Labour Party can go to https://www.facebook.com/LichfieldClassWar
Anyone who would like to follow Andy’s antics in BBC TV’s House of Fools can go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5x79f1JLL4zYKZpcFKDjvYh/q-a-with-vic-and-bob
Following failed plans for a new health centre, the proposed closure of Children’s Centres and GP surgeries and the demise of Go Bananas, shocked Burntwood residents have now been informed that the town itself could be closed by 2016.
The proposal is being put out to consultation as part of Lichfield District Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Future) in a joint cost-cutting initiative with Staffordshire County Council.
Lichfield District Council acting leader Mike Wilcox (Con) chuckled:
‘This proposal works on so many levels. Rather than shutting the place down piecemeal as we’ve been doing to date, it makes much more sense to ditch it all at once. Not only will it save the good council taxpayers of Lichfield the cost of maintaining what few services do remain in the wild west, but all those Labour councillors will disappear at the same time. This will provide a welcome shift in the balance of power on the Council in 2016 after we lose control in six weeks time.’
Burntwood Councillor and celebrity granny Sue Norman commented:
‘After the consultation process has closed and the representations of the three local residents who will bother to complain have been ignored, I will fight for the survival of this community. Yes, I’ll start another petition.’
Local mum of five under five year-olds Britney Singleton,19, said:
‘I’m absolutely gobsmacked, you don’t expect this sort of thing to happen round here. I thought the closure of the Children’s Centres was bad enough, cheeky bastards expecting me to bring up my own kids and teach ‘em to read and stuff. Forget it, I’m definitely going to sign Granny Sue’s petition – provided it’s online mind.’
Labour group leader and local butcher Steve Woodward is furious:
‘I’m furious, I say furious. Mrs Norman tells me that she won’t take it lying down, I think she meant the town closure, although we were on the way to a late-night caravaners meet on Cannock Chase at the time.
‘But what’s, I say what’s our local Member doing about this I demand to know. I’m going to sign another petition and not only that, I will be making a further Freedom of Information request to establish the Fabricunt’s whereabouts.’
Chair of Lichfield Conservatives and regular God-botherer Jonathan Hall said:
‘Lord Fabricunt is enjoying a period of self-imposed exile in his North Wales Castle, keeping his mouth shut pending his triumphant return to the City for his coronation in May.
‘He sends his best wishes and hopes that his loyal subjects in Burntwood will soon settle down in their new homes in Brownhills. Amen.’
Labour Parliamentary candidate Chris Whoishey was unavailable for comment due to campaigning commitments in Yardley.
Anyone who would like to sign a Burntwood petition can find them all at www.change.org
Lichfield social landlord Bromford Housing has recently written to one of it’s enterprising tenants threatening her with eviction if she doesn’t stop selling home-grown mushrooms from a stall in her front garden.
Dimbles resident 43 year-old Bessy Banks has lived in the north Lichfield all her life. She said:
‘I got this letter from Bromford and took it to show our Kieran when I visited him in Swinfen. He’s good at reading, being a convicted forger and all that.
‘ “Mom,” he says, “Mom, they’re gonna kick you out the house if you don’t stop selling them bleeding mushrooms!” ‘
‘It’s really hard when you’re living in a house that ain’t fit for human consumption.
‘It’s so damp that mould is growing on the walls in every room, it’s even spreading to the furniture. If it takes hold of me fella’s 80in 4k Ultra HD 3D Curved LED TV there’ll be hell to pay, he don’t even live here really, if you know what I mean.’
Not being a woman who is easily beaten Bessy has tried to make the best of her predicament. She told us:
‘So I thought, I’ve got this house that’s covered in mould, mould is a fungus and so are mushrooms! I’ll grow mushrooms and sell ‘em to the neighbours!
‘I’d got all the raw ingredients, all I needed to do was to push the bed in the Bedroom Tax room up against the mouldy damp wall and let nature take its course. The mattress was sprouting with mushrooms in no time.’
Bromford Housing struggle to manage and maintain over 5,000 former council houses in the Lichfield Area.
Local manager David Ahktar said:
‘I sympathise with Mrs Banks but the tenancy agreement clearly states that the premises cannot be used for any business purposes. With the appalling conditions in these substandard homes we could have a whole new hydroponics industry sprouting up right under our noses if we’re not careful.’
Bromford have been paying lip-service to the complaints of tenants for years but have recently arranged for each complaining whiny tenant’s house to be inspected by a professional surveyor with an undeserved superiority complex.
Martin Sixsmith is one such surveyor, he commented:
‘We recommend that tenants turn up their central heating to the maximum temperature, regardless of the cost; keep open all the windows; never take showers or baths; and refrain from boiling water for any purposes in the kitchen. All furniture should be moved to the centre of the room well away from the walls.
‘If tenants choose to ignore our advice and continue to pursue this anti-social behaviour then they only have themselves to blame for the dreadful conditions in which they live. Scumbag scroungers the lot of them.’
Mr Akhtar of Bromford added :
‘For just £1.79 tenants can buy their very own hygrometer and monitor their ever-increasing despair for themselves. We are also handing out complimentary thermometers to enable them to chart their children’s temperature as they decline towards a chronically sick adulthood.’
Having received nothing but blame from the Landlord, as a very last resort Bessy has turned to local politicians:
Labour County Councillor, self-employed chiropodist Caroline Wood said that the lives of poor people could be considerably improved if they would only take good care of their feet. Mrs Wood promised Bessy a voucher for a complimentary chiropody appointment.
Liberal Democrat District Councillor Marion Bland said in an email :
‘I’m very sorry to hear of your plight and know only too well what it’s like to be a discriminated minority. By the way, I live just round the corner, could you drop off some mushrooms after dusk one evening?’
Hoping to raise the profile of her campaign, Mrs Banks tweeted incumbent member Sir Michael Fabricant and young Labour firebrand Chris Whoishey.
Eventually Sir Fabricant informed Bessy that she must write to him to request an audience:
‘A missive addressed to me at Cathedral Close, written on the finest quality vellum with a quill pen fashioned from a swan’s feather stands the best possible chance of receiving a patronising response,’ he advised.
Mr Whoishey tweeted Bessy offering to breath heavily down the phone to her early one morning:
‘As you may know I have no interest in visiting the Lichfield and my life insurance cover specifically excludes any claim arising from entering the City from the north via Dimbles Bar. Good luck, and if you ever relocate to Sandwell please vote for me in the next Election 2020 which I plan to take seriously.’
Bessy has vowed to continue selling her mushroom but all parties are looking to the future and considering their options.
You can follow Bessy’s ongoing campaign here bessybanksgrave.wordpress.com
The second season of the hit TV drama “The Missing” is to be based in and around Lichfield and Burntwood, the BBC has announced.
The original series starred James Nesbitt as a bereft father searching for his lost son. The second season, with a new cast, follows distraught constituents searching for their lost politicians.
Co-writer Jack Williams commented:
‘We don’t want to give too much away but I was intrigued by reports of local politicians mysteriously disappearing and wanted to weave this into the new drama.’
In the past couple of months Burntwood has experienced the strange disappearance of Conservative town councillors from Council meetings and surgeries.
Celebrity granny and serial local councillor Sue Norman (Labour) commented :
‘There are regular Tory no-shows at Council, I took a picture of their empty chairs at a recent meeting. That went down well I can tell you.’
A spokesman for a Burntwood Conservative who couldn’t be traced responded:
‘That photograph was an absolute disgrace, it suggests that we just hadn’t bothered to turn up, which is absolute rubbish. In fact we had been inadvertently delayed by a gluhwein incident whilst on a fact-finding visit to the Birmingham’s German Market. We complained about the picture because it showed two local voters who actually had made the effort to turn up’
Another Tory no-show at a recent surgery prompted a local resident to complain, Ted Tumbleweed explained:
‘I went along to the surgery at the Library only to be told that no Conservative councillor was available. I have issues with dog fouling outside of my house and I wanted my councillor to look into it. If my dog decides to shit on the public footpath, it’s the council’s problem not mine. They’re useless.
‘I pushed a note complaining about the councillors’ absence through the door of Labour group leader Steve Woodward as I couldn’t find any Conservatives.’
Mystery also surrounds missing Labour Parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood, Mr Chris Whereishey, who has not been seen in the city of Lichfield since his selection in January 2014. At that time he issued a press statement by phone from his living room in Great Barr suggesting that his selection would have incumbent Member Michael Fabricunt “trembling in his boots”.
Mr Whereishey’s agent, Sue Norman said:
‘I remain hopeful that Chris will put in an appearance before the general election. I’ve no idea what’s happened to him, he’s just disappeared. Mysteriously.’
Mrs Norman denied rumours that he is appearing in panto as Dr Seuss’ The Grinch.
Burntwood residents also have concerns for the safety of their beloved MP Michael Fabricunt who went missing from the constituency in May 2010 and has not been seen since. Local hairdresser Bev Francesco said:
‘I voted for him in May 2014 hoping that he would pop along now and again for a haircut, but nothing. It’s like he’s disappeared off the face of the constituency. Mysteriously’
Screenwriter Jack Williams said:
‘There is clearly some evil afoot in the badlands of Burntwood and we will be crafting “The Missing 2” around these real-life events. I dont want to give too much away but we are planning a story set in the near future, a dystopian vision of a small community left alone by their political leaders with fear stalking the streets.’
A teasing trailer for the new series is now available to view on-line and was shown at the end of the final episode of the first season:
A small girl on the new Burntwood Swing, wearing a cheap dove-shaped hair clip recently purchased from Brownhill’s Christmas Market in her hair.
The area is surrounded by a perimeter fence and CCTV cameras, reminiscent of Redwood Wildlife and Safari Park.
A hole in the fence to which is attached a similar/the same dove jewelry; a VW campervan drives off, presumably in the direction of Gentleshaw Common for one of the regular dogging sessions.
Cut to the girl looking through the fence which has a “No Unauthorised Access” (in German for added menace); beyond the fence, military personnel and vehicles, suggesting an upgrading of security measures around the Wall following the election.
Final external shot of a family home, Christmas; inside a toy monkey bashes cymbals before falling off a window ledge – a clear reference to the fate of the UKIPs after the election.
Watch the trailer here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4I1R8RBWp8