Month: May 2018

Burntwood Wakes 2018 Festival to host “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year” Award

Posted on

Burntwood’s annual free festival of family fun and entertainment will be opened by their elusive Conservative MP Michael Fabricant on Saturday 30 June.

Mr Fabricant will be presenting the inaugural “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year Award” at 1pm at Burntwood Leisure Centre.

Early nominations include Mr Fabricant himself, he said:

‘I may have shot myself in the foot with this one, I recently nominated a Burntwood teenage girl who, in my opinion, is a “complete twat”. What was I thinking?

‘I’ve now been accused of using offensive and unprofessional language!

‘To be honest, anyone who wants to engage with me and a bottle of Pinot on Twitter on a sunny afternoon during a bank holiday weekend needs to be robust enough to take a roasting. Man up girl.

‘Now they’re saying that “twat” is a synonym for female genitalia! Well, come on what do I know about female genitalia? That’s not really up my Street.’

Wakes organisers have had to review security arrangements for this year’s Festival in the light of Mr Fabricant’s uncharacteristic attendance. Burntwood Labour councillor Myfanwy Hertz commented:

‘In view of the real threat of disorder during the Member’s controversial visit we have revised our security cover and rather than having the planned five highly trained hi-viz wearing unemployed gypsies on patrol, we’ll now have just the two.’

Nominations for this year’s prestigious award are now open and can be submitted to @fivespireslive #BurntwoodTwat . Nominations close on 14 June 2018 and twitter polls will be open on @fivespireslive until Thursday 28 June.

Advertisements

Dr. Samuel Johnson of Lichfield adjudicates from the grave on the definition of “twat”

Posted on

TWAT

NOUN

VULGAR slang

1. Female genitalia, albeit unfamiliar territory for Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

2. Person regarded as stupid or obnoxious e.g. Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

VERB

BRITISH informal

1. To hit or punch (someone).

“If I was on a discussion programme with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown I’d twat her in the throat” says Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

A volunteer wrote this, say thanks with a coffee, or a punch in the throat

Lichfield Barnardo’s to recruit more volunteers to fund chief executive’s £200k pa lifestyle

Posted on

The new Barnardo’s charity shop in the Three Spires Shopping Centre was officially opened last week. Jason Worley, area business manager for Barnardo’s, said:

‘We are recruiting volunteers to run the new store for free and help fund our Corporate Leadership Team’s salaries and pension funds. Just a couple of hours a week from a volunteer can help put our executives’ children through public school, summer vacations in Tuscany and winters in Klosters. Remember, at Barnardo’s we’re all about the children.’

Local volunteer Paul Mycock, 63, welcomes the arrival of Barnardo’s in the city, he said:

‘There aren’t nearly enough charity shops in Lichfield at the moment. It’s very difficult for us elderly would-be volunteers to find decent unpaid unemployment in the city at the moment. As soon as vacancies arise they are filled by the young unemployed desperate to work for years for nothing, just to give themselves the semblance of a cv in the hope of securing that dream job on the Minimum Wage.’

But Paul is one of the lucky ones, he explained that research is important in preparing for a job interview:

‘Oxfam asked me why I thought I deserved to be an unpaid worker in their organisation, I said

“I’m an elderly sexual predator with a predilection for teenage Haitian prostitutes.”

‘I got the job. Let that be a lesson kids.’

Barnardo’s Chief Executive Javed Khan was unavailable for comment, he said:

‘Actually, my son is quite keen on Harvard, if you could just dig a little deeper please.’

A volunteer wrote this. Say thanks with a coffee or a punch in the face on a football pitch.

Barnardo’s photo courtesy of ace Lichfield photographer Robert Yardley and published without his knowledge or consent