Month: November 2015

“Christmas is cancelled” declares Lichfield Round Table militants

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kidnapped
Kidnap victim

Lichfield Round Table militant faction, the self-styled District 250, has declared that Christmas is cancelled this year.

Talks between the group and Lichfield District Council to agree this year’s “funding” settlement broke down yesterday (Saturday).

District 250, a dissident band of ultra-right wing egos with relationship issues and an interest in go-karting and archery, has cancelled today’s planned Lichfield Christmas Lights switch on. Spokesman for D250, Dick, his real name, said:

‘We regret that due to the intransigence of the Council we had no alternative but to cancel the Christmas Lights switch on. Our annual running costs have escalated and they will no longer be covered by parading Santa through the streets of Lichfield demanding cash from the poor and feeble-minded.’

It became clear in 2014  that Santa Claus had been kidnapped by the Round Table militants and forced to fund raise for the group each December.

Dick explained:

‘It’s a very expensive time for us, we’ve recently returned from Portugal after a week’s golfing holiday and there are many more foreign jollies in the pipeline that need paying for by the local public. That doesn’t come cheap you know.’

District 250
District 250 Christmas plot hatched abroad

Cllr Christmas Spruce, Cabinet Member for Finance, explained the Council’s position:

spruce
Cllr Spruce

‘As part of the Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Foreseeable) financial strategy we have had to scale back support for local dissident groups. Discussions with some of these groups have become quite heated. A more disagreeable bunch you’re unlikely to encounter, but after Beacon Community Church this District 250 group come a close second.

‘We tried our best to negotiate a settlement to secure Christmas for another year, we even offered up Michael Fabricant in a hostage exchange for Santa, but they were having none of it. Can’t blame them on that score to be fair.’

hostage exchange
Hostage exchange rejected

Dick denied that they were behaving unreasonably:

‘Why would we exchange Santa for Fabricant? It may not be much but at least Santa bothers to get out to meet the community once a year.’

Further talks are expected to take place next week in a final bid to save Christmas.

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Lichfield Councillor appointed as Cabinet member for the Blindingly Obvious

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Pick a card

Lichfield District councillor Doug Pullem, Cabinet member for Community and the Blindingly Obvious  has been tasked with communicating the blindingly obvious to local residents, councillors and council staff.

The Burntwood councillor has drawn up a Blindingly Obvious Report on the issue of vulnerable children and young adults which will be considered by the Council’s Cabinet at its meeting next month.

Councillor Pullem is no stranger to abuse, he said :

‘Being a livid ginger myself  I was mocked as a child and now shunned as a vulnerable adult especially during summer holidays. But I harnessed that hatred to become a qualified barrister, fortunately one of the few professions where it is acceptable to wear a wig to work. Going forward I hope to trade in the horsehair for Michael Fabricunt’s luxuriant merkin as Conservative Parliamentary Candidate in 2020.’

The Blindingly Obvious Report is entitled:

‘If I See Signs of Abuse Should I Report It?’

Cllr Pullem explained:

‘Council staff have a key role to play in preventing abuse, my report of the Blindingly Obvious will provided an essential tool for navigating this minefield.’

A copy of the Blindingly Obvious report is available on the Council website, but for those who are short on time here is the executive summary:

‘Yes’

The prolific polymath that is Cllr Pullem has also turned his attention to public safety during the festive season. He explained :

‘I’ve put together an easy to understand calendar of tips to get across important safety messages to the local hard of thinking, primarily aimed at my own constituents in Burntwood.’

natasha

The tips include not leaving shopping and presents unattended in the pub car park, not attaching petrol soaked rags to Christmas candles, not sticking fingers in plug sockets whilst bathing, not performing a sex acts with the Boxing Day ham and not taking taxis driven by potential suicide bombers.

The Cabinet member added:

‘The calendar worked well last year at getting across important safety messages to local idiots.

‘From Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service to our own community health teams, lots of experts have contributed to the calendar to give a clear indication of planned dates for industrial action by the Fire Brigades Union and the junior doctors and lots of handy hints for DIY CPR over the Christmas period.’

The calendar is available from Lichfield District Council’s Frog Lane reception and venues across the district. More details are available online.

Homeless Lichfield man seeks Syrian passport in the hope of finding a house

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beach

Local homeless man, Peter Smith, is seeking a Syrian passport in the hope that he will then qualify for a decent house in Lichfield or Burntwood.

Staffordshire County Council has pledged to take in up to 50 Syrian refugee families and is consulting with Lichfield District Council on local numbers.

Mr Smith, a local celebrity “chugger”, sells The Big Issue from his patch outside Boots in the City centre. He explained:

‘I’ve been trying to get a council house for years but I’ve been discriminated against because I own a BMW convertible and a portfolio of stocks and shares.’

With Syrian families expected to arrive early next year Mr Smith believes that he has no alternative but to obtain a Syrian passport at the earliest opportunity. Pete continued:

‘The weather outside is frightful. As I’m homeless and without children that I’m aware of, I often winter abroad. This Christmas I’m planning a trip to Kos to see what I can find washed up on the beach, the Aegean can be quite choppy at this time it year especially if you’re in a packed dingy.’

Mr Smith also plans a stopover in France on the way home.

‘If I have no luck in Kos then I’ll call in on Paris, I’ve heard that French security services have scattered loads of fake Syrian passports all over the city.’

Peter’s only concern about becoming a Syrian refugee is the reaction of local residents. Rob of Burntwood commented:

‘We don’t want swarms of stinking Syrians here, self-detonating all over the place. If Peter Smith becomes a Syrian refugee then that will make him a terrorist and he will not be welcome here in Burntwood. Unless he goes to live with Cllr Sue Woodward who is keen to offer these people accommodation provided that it’s in other people’s homes.’