Month: April 2014

Lichfield Mayor demonstrates Council cuts

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THE Mayor of Lichfield Councillor Bob Awty has has officially opened a new light bulb shop in the city.

Bradshaws Discount Lighting on Britannia Enterprise Park has doubled the number of light bulbs and fluorescent tubes that it sells to both businesses and the general public.

The mayor marvelled at the demonstration of a dimmer switch and then, to the evident delight and astonishment of the staff, managed to operate a pair of scissors and successfully cut the ribbon to officially open the new showroom. He said:

‘My wife and I were delighted to be invited to open the new showroom, as lighting has been an important part of our lives.’

Councillor Awty, who for many years appeared regularly on BBC TV’s Eastenders as the popular character Dr Legg, continued:

‘My father got our first ever television set from Bradshaws in time for us to watch the Coronation – they didn’t sell TV’s of course, so I think he must have nicked it from their parlour, rich bastards.

‘My wife also remembers buying a 13 amp fuse from the store when she was younger.’

‘The new showroom looks amazing, and it’s fantastic to see how the family business keeps growing and changing, especially the young lady in the black dress.’

Director, Lee Bradshaw says:

‘We’ve been really turned on by the response to the new showroom.’

The mayor then had the scissors carefully taken away from him by his wife who then led him to their car. She commented:

‘I’m afraid he still thinks he’s Dr Legg, I had to apologise to that young lady, she clearly didn’t welcome the examination. I’m sorry dear, the lights are on but no-one is home.’

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Photo credits to The Lichfield Mercurial and BBC TV. We thank you…. 

Lichfield grandparents plead: ‘Please leave us alone over the Bank Holiday weekend’

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MANY Lichfield grandparents are praying that they will be left alone over the Bank Holiday weekend.

Betty Smith, a 85 year-old gran of three and great-grandmother of 8 under ten-year-olds said:

‘I’m hoping to pass away peacefully in my sleep before I’m dragged out for dinner at the Bowling Green on Bank Holiday Monday.

‘I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t want them coming round here dressing me up in a hideous S&M outfit and rolling me into the back of their car. I only see them twice a year and this is what they do to me. Then they force the grandchildren to kiss me, I know they’d rather lick the dog’s arse and, to be honest, so would I.’

Daughter Becky laughed:

‘Oh Mum it’s an M&S outfit! She’s such a card.’

‘As in credit card you mean,’ Betty chipped in, ‘and don’t think I’m paying for everyone’s meal either, you scrounging bitch.’

Some relatives are a little more imaginative. Tracey Watkins, mother of two teenage boys, takes her mom out every bank holiday, she said:

‘The lads are grown-up now and always complain about wasting a day out with granny when they could be back home masturbating in their rooms.

‘I knew that I’d have to try something different to liven up the event so I contacted Lichfield Costume Hire.’

Al Finney manager of the costume hire company explained:

‘We were delighted to be able to help Tracey, we took her mother’s measurements and put together a lovely ‘Alice in Wonderland’ costume with integrated Tena Lady gusset.’

Tracey continued:

‘Mum loved it, it made such a change to the floral outfit we put her in last year. Everyone was pointing and laughing at her, it was great.’

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In the opinion of many old folks Easter Day is bad enough, but Bank Holiday Monday is worse – a mastication-resistant pub meal will often be followed by a trip to the local garden centre.

Sheila Plant, assistant manager at Byrkley Park Garden Centre near Burton-on-Trent  said:

‘We welcome all of our visitors of course, but I do  feel sorry for the old ladies, these bank holidays arrive thick and fast at this time of year. The old biddies are driven up to our front door, hoisted off the towel-covered car seat into one of our complimentary wheelchairs, which is odd because many of them are perfectly able to walk. But it’s those poor people who roll up on a hospital trolley that I really feel sorry for.

‘The family then push them around, forcing them to make inane, jolly conversation and then feel disappointed if granny doesn’t spend an hour smiling at all the plants and flowers.

However not all grandparents complain. Bill Blight is a regular garden centre visitor and commented:

‘Some of the elderly do enjoy a garden centre visit although preferably without the family. It’s always nice to spend time with something with a life-expectancy shorter than your own. But I have to say, some of those perennials really do take the piss.’

Any grandparents who would like to check if a table has been reserved for them and then to cancel the booking can call manager Mo at the Bowling Green on 01543 257344.

 

 

By the pricking of my thumbs…

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FOLLOWING his successful ‘sacking’ as Conservative Party vice-chairman Michael Fabricant has run away to join another circus. The Lichfield member hasn’t had far to go – during the Parliamentary Easter recess he will be performing in and around the City with the American Circus clown troupe.

The publicity-shy 79 year-old former Tory whip said:

‘I met Party Chairman Grant Schapps and had a very informal meeting. He told me to resign, I told him to fuck off, he told me that I was sacked and we parted the best of friends.

‘This gives me more freedom to tweet and act the buffoon at the taxpayers expense. If you think that I’ve been free and easy in the past you aint seen nothing yet.’

Circus manager Ian Thomas, who also performs as Gingernuts the Clown, said:

‘We are delighted to have been invited back to entertain the citizens of this great historic cathedral city and it is fantastic that Fabricuntio the Clown can join us for a few days.’

Not everyone was impressed, a publicity stunt earlier in the week caused two pounds worth of damage to the newly opened skatepark. Lichfield District Council chief chain-wearer and ribbon-cutter Derek Leytham explained:

‘Within hours of the official skatepark opening the Lichfield Member was seen jumping on another bandwagon, this time in the form of a circus advertising trailer. This was being pushed by a group of his Twitter sycophants in the direction of the Bowling Green. He ran off to his meeting when the trailer careered into one of the skate bowls.’

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Shortly afterwards Mr Fabricant was almost ‘mown down’ by a passing motorist whilst crossing the road to the pub. Police are appealing for witnesses who may have seen a red Renault Clio in the vicinity being driven by what a police spokesman described as a ‘Grinch’ like teenager.

Blue Brattle, a former chairman and honorary vice president of Clowns International who performs as Clown Bluey, is in town this weekend and said :

‘There is an image problem for clowns at the moment, some people think we are sinister. It’s not helped by the likes of Fabricuntio. There is even a recognised phobia now called coulrophobia – a fear of clowns being re-elected with an increased majority. It’s a beep-beep disgrace.’

Some locals are also in two-minds about the circus. Charles Holloway, a 53 year-old unfulfilled and disillusioned father of one who suppresses his feelings of abject personal failure by spending time on the BSARA committee told 5SL:

‘My son Will and his mate Jim Nightshade were very excited when the circus appeared from nowhere overnight, they went there on the day and had a great time. But then they went back again last night and came home terrified. I’ll be writing a letter of complaint to Staffordshire County Council and South Staffs Water.’

The promoter of the circus, Cougar & Dark Pandemonium Shadow Shows Limited, dismissed the complaint. The company’s director Susan Cougar, the self-publicist, part-time councillor and deputy Police and Crime Commissioner, said:

‘We try to cater for all tastes so in the evenings our entertainment is a little more edgy and adult-orientated, being a little bit scarey is all part of the fun.’

But Will is not convinced that what he saw was just an illusion, from behind the sofa he said:

‘It was the carousel that really spooked us. That nice clown Fabricuntio got on board and it started going backwards, before our eyes he changed from an old joke into a younger serious well educated politician. He kept on saying “I’ve fooled them all, I’ve fooled them all!” ‘

Local Labour parliamentary candidate Chris Whatshisname was keen to visit the circus but was busy campaigning in Tamworth. He said:

‘I hope to have found my way to Lichfield in time for next year’s circus. I can then ride that carousel fast forwards.

‘I aim to be at least 35 years-old by the time of the General Election,’ added the 17 year-old.

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Hat tip to Ray Bradbury