MP Michael Fabricant has invited President-Elect Donald Trump to Lichfield for a masterclass in Wall building.
Following Trump’s shock success in the US presidential election Mr Fabricant sent his congratulations to the Republican usurper. Declaring Trump’s victory in November to be a “Western Spring”. He said:
‘I congratulated Donald on his impressive victory and invited him to Lichfield to show him how a carefully constructed imaginary Wall created in the minds of unwanted sections of a community can be as effective as any actual physical structure.’
Donald Trump wants to build an “impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall” between the US and Mexico. The Republican victor’s big ideas have proven to be small on detail, and the wall is no exception. The US-Mexico border is almost 2,000 miles long and crosses all sorts of terrain from empty, dusty desert to the lush and rugged surroundings of the Rio Grande.
According to Mr Fabricant not only is the physical construction of such a wall a mammoth and costly engineering project, it is also unnecessary. He explained:
‘By vividly describing the wall during the election campaign many lazy Mexicans already believe that the structure exists and, preferring siestas to abseiling, will carry on raping and drug dealing in their own lands. It’s much the same in Burntwood which is itself beyond the Wall.’
Soon to be President Trump drew many parallels with Brexit during his campaign and harnessed the intellectual powers of UKIP’s odious recidivistic leader Nigel Fromage. Mr Trump admitted:
‘Sometimes all that the downtrodden, desperate and disenfranchised masses require is a leader of cunning, a demagogue who reads the waves of resentment and rides them to a popular victory. Well Hello there.’
Lichfield’s MP agreed:
‘Donald is basically a charismatic liar, selling the electorate an elaborate hoax of the utopian benefits of supporting his illusory world view.
‘Much the same was we did with Brexit. I’m the first person to stand up for our fantastic NHS, they’re doing a fantastic job already so do they really need that extra £350m a week? I don’t think so.’
When asked to comment on his invitation to Lichfield Mr Trump said:
‘I’m delighted that my idea of an imaginary wall has been implemented so effectively in Litchfield. I’ve never heard of this Fabricunt guy, but I’ll say this for him, he’s got great hair. Great hair.’
Conservative leadership candidate Theresa May has pleaded with Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant not to declare support for her campaign.
The battle to succeed David Cameron at Number 10 has seen a number of MPs benefiting from the endorsement of the Lichfield incumbent. Before any candidates had declared, Mr Fabricant was first out of the trap to declare that he was firmly behind fellow clown Boris Johnson’s claim to the throne.
He announced on Twitter:
But following a tip-off in the early hours of Thursday morning that Blair-cuckold Rupert Murdoch had ordered the political assassination of Mr Johnson, the Lichfield member immediately switched his allegiance to someone who looked like a winner.
Unwittingly he opted for Justice Secretary Michael Gove, a self-styled egotist powered by a vortex of schoolboy inadequacy, haunted by the fear that his wife was punching below her weight. Mr Gove said:
‘I did almost everything not to be a candidate for the leadership of this party. I was so very reluctant because I know my limitations. Whatever charisma is, I don’t have it, whatever glamour may be, I don’t think anyone could ever associate me with it.’
Prior to the public announcement by Boris of his own demise, Mr Fabricant in a Saul-to-Paul-like conversion declared that Mr Gove was the only credible candidate for the PM’s job. He said:
With support for Mr Grove dramatically dwindling going into the weekend, Mrs May’s team became increasingly concerned that Mr Fabricant would switch support to the Home Secretary. In a late night telephone call to the Lichfield MP Mrs May said:
‘Michael you’re a buffoon, but if I can rely on you to lend your support to Julie Andrews tribute act Andrea Leadsom, I can promise you a Cabinet roll.’
Sandwiches are also available at Cabinet meetings.
Lichfield constituents will now have to go online to book an appointment with their MP Michael Fabricant through the National Rail Enquiries website.
Previously only available by written application penned with a swan’s quill on the finest vellum and handed to a barista at Caffe Nero, these surgery appointments have proven to be rather too bothersome. Mr Fabricant explained:
‘It was proving just too popular, some weeks I’d have see up to three plebeians pleading their worthless causes. It was outrageous, turning up to interrupt my long-weekend break with moans and groans about trivial parochial issues – no health provision in Burntwood; appalling social housing conditions in the Dimbles; or, best of all, the sell-off of the Friary Library, what a joke, they can’t even read.
‘Well, local issues affecting people who don’t vote for me are of no interest and frankly it’s an unwelcome distraction from my camp Twitter innuendo sessions with a piping hot grande Americano.’
Our local member expects that the new booking arrangements, managed by National Rail Enquiries, will ensure that only issues relating to rail travel to and from London Euston on a Thursday afternoon and a Sunday evening will be raised. Mr Fabricant elaborated:
‘Constituents can go online, type in their West Coast Mainline or HS2 concerns and National Rail will book a reservation with me on the London/Lichfield line. But remember, it’s first come first served – there’s only one 2 minute slot available per journey. And at a ticket price of £250 I think that’s real value for money.’
Mr Fabricant regularly challenges @LondonMidland on matters of grave concern to his constituents, he has tweeted:
“Is vaping allowed on @LondonMidland trains? On Sunday, there were thick white fumes in my part of the train. Ugghhh!”
“Intensely irritating getting the message that @LondonMidland 14.46 EUS > Crewe is boarding then left on platform!”
The Lichfield MP has also called for a new HS2 station to be located by his home on The Close and for the new line to link up with Eurostar. The vociferous Brexit campaigner commented:
‘HS2 ought to have a complete rethink. The route is completely flawed. If it joined up with Eurostar we could deport migrants much more efficiently. What you have to ask is, if he had been in charge what would Hitler have done?’