twat

Burntwood Wakes 2018 Festival to host “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year” Award

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Burntwood’s annual free festival of family fun and entertainment will be opened by their elusive Conservative MP Michael Fabricant on Saturday 30 June.

Mr Fabricant will be presenting the inaugural “Fabricant’s Twat of the Year Award” at 1pm at Burntwood Leisure Centre.

Early nominations include Mr Fabricant himself, he said:

‘I may have shot myself in the foot with this one, I recently nominated a Burntwood teenage girl who, in my opinion, is a “complete twat”. What was I thinking?

‘I’ve now been accused of using offensive and unprofessional language!

‘To be honest, anyone who wants to engage with me and a bottle of Pinot on Twitter on a sunny afternoon during a bank holiday weekend needs to be robust enough to take a roasting. Man up girl.

‘Now they’re saying that “twat” is a synonym for female genitalia! Well, come on what do I know about female genitalia? That’s not really up my Street.’

Wakes organisers have had to review security arrangements for this year’s Festival in the light of Mr Fabricant’s uncharacteristic attendance. Burntwood Labour councillor Myfanwy Hertz commented:

‘In view of the real threat of disorder during the Member’s controversial visit we have revised our security cover and rather than having the planned five highly trained hi-viz wearing unemployed gypsies on patrol, we’ll now have just the two.’

Nominations for this year’s prestigious award are now open and can be submitted to @fivespireslive #BurntwoodTwat . Nominations close on 14 June 2018 and twitter polls will be open on @fivespireslive until Thursday 28 June.

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Dr. Samuel Johnson of Lichfield adjudicates from the grave on the definition of “twat”

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TWAT

NOUN

VULGAR slang

1. Female genitalia, albeit unfamiliar territory for Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

2. Person regarded as stupid or obnoxious e.g. Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

VERB

BRITISH informal

1. To hit or punch (someone).

“If I was on a discussion programme with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown I’d twat her in the throat” says Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant

A volunteer wrote this, say thanks with a coffee, or a punch in the throat