Month: September 2015

Migrants inexorably drawn to Lichfield UKIP members, claims local councillors

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Burntwood county councillor Jeff Sheriff emerged from the shadows for the fifth time in the space of a week with the remarkable claim that migrants are attracted to UKIP. He said:

‘I woke this morning to find one sitting on my face, dirty stinking foreigner.’

Popular local naturist and badger-hugger Georgia Locock explained :

‘These migrants have travelled hundreds of miles from North Africa and Southern Europe.

jeff sheriff 2

‘ The Convolvulus Hawk moth is the largest moth in Europe with an average wingspan of 10cm.’

Promoting this month’s Moth Nights event , Georgia continued:

‘This beautiful palm-sized creature is attracted by the smell of tobacco, beer and wine.’

Local UKIP chairman Peter Cope said:

‘Our members are particularly vulnerable to attack by these foreign migrants. They have evolved an immunity to the natural repulsion of all living creatures to UKIP policies and are attracted to the overwhelming stench of stale beer and tobacco seeping out of our every pore. It’s time David Cameron stood up to them and told them to f**k right back off to where they came from.’

It has been a particular problem for UKIP Pub Landlord John Rackman (92) of the Kings Head. He said:

‘Give me a minute, I’ve just read something about this.

‘These big bastards are all over us, feeding off our beery hair and beards and they just can’t get enough of our alcohol-sodden soft furnishings. My regulars are covered in them.’

Mr Cole added:

‘These are economic migrants and need to go. They are threatening the livelihoods of our indigenous moths, there just aren’t enough dirty old UKIP clothes to go around.

‘And with a proboscis reputedly longer than their own body length these bastards are a threat to our women folk. We all know that our girls are particularly vulnerable to exploitation by anything with an enormous tongue.’

The bat-sized moth has been spotted as far north as the Shetland Islands. Members of the SNP have been alerted.

Anyone who would like to participate in this month’s Butterfly Conservation Society’s  Moth Nights recording project is advised to hang out a beer-soaked smoked kipper in their garden after dusk.

Go to www.butterfly-conservation.org  for more details.

Lichfield UKIP “flying ant day” brings a swarm of press releases from anonymous racially challenged politicians

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A rare day out in the sun
A rare day out in the sun

The unseasonally warm weather and the Jeremy Corbyn effect is being blamed for the sudden appearance of elderly unkempt politicians in the Lichfield area.

Burntwood South has not been represented by County Councillor Jeff Sheriff since 2013. Apart from a brief appearance alongside Pub Landlord Guvnor John (“I’m 70 years-old you know”) Rackham in the 2015 GE campaign, Cllr Sheriff has not been seen in public since his election to the County Council.  Although there are unconfirmed reports that he was once spotted at Sankeys Corner looking confused and asking for directions to Stafford.

Jeremy Corbyn
Jeremy Corbyn

In recent days however the unseasonably warm weather and the ascendancy of Labour Leadership candidate Jeremy Corbyn has seen a sudden reappearance of Cllr Sheriff and his equally visually challenging UKIP colleagues.

Lichfield Green Party has started an online petition calling for Lichfield district to house ten refugee families. Commenting on the unfolding humanitarian crisis in Syria, the UKIP Sheriff commented :

‘These people are foreigners, whole families of foreigners in fact, fleeing persecution and death in their own country, parents risking the lives of themselves and their children to overcome unimaginable challenges, travelling by land and sea across continental Europe in the hope of finding sanctuary within the Wall.

‘The Lichfield Greens are emotionally stupid – ten, yes ten, families they want housing – do they not know the sort of strain that this will place on the local council tax payers? Yes, none, but I don’t bloody well want them here and neither do my mates, sorry UKIP officials, at the Kings Head.

‘Anyone fancy a chinky?’

Peter Cope, Chairman of the local UKIP branch believes public sympathy is misplaced. He said:

‘Ten families of foreigners? Do you know what sort of strain that will place on the local infrastructure of the wealthy district of Lichfield? Yes, that’s right, no strain at all. But I don’t want them here.’

Mr Cope, who has also not been seen in daylight since the General Election, continued:

‘That little drowned foreign boy and his poor brother who no-one much cares about because we didn’t get a photo, they were put in a boat and killed by their father, its as simple as that.

‘Cameron should stop being so weak, stand up to that German bitch Chancellor Merkel and start drowning them himself. The Royal Navy have been acting like a ferry service, well if they want a ferry service send in the Herald of Free Enterprise that’s what I say.

‘I don’t really feel like a chinky tonight Jeff, how about an Indian?’

Pull it love?
Pull it love?

John Rackham (85) has not been seen outside of the Kings Head since the General Election fiasco. Tonight (Tuesday) he is unwittingly playing host to local Leftie group of stone-gazers, Lichfield Discovered. Group leader Kate Gompertz said:

‘As a foreigner myself, I really don’t know what possessed me to arrange a meeting here, giving our hard earned cash to this character to fund his malign causes. And I can tell you, if he starts to falteringly recite the UKIP manifesto policy on immigration the cardigan will be on and I’ll be off.

‘Actually I fancy an Italian, get your coat love, you’ve pulled.’

The Society of Flying Ant Days wishes to disassociate itself from the sudden emergence of the UKIPs.