Boris Johnson

Lichfield police officer to be disciplined for interacting with the public

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A Lichfield warranted police officer is facing disciplinary action after being seen walking around town on a Saturday afternoon chatting to local residents and assisting tourists. PC Paul Mycock has been with Staffordshire Police for over 20 years, he said:

‘I am stationed at the new Lichfield base on Eastern Avenue and spend most of my day investigating complaints from people who have been offended by social media posts or arranging for police vehicles to be reliveried for LGBT Pride parades.

‘Last week was a little slow as most complaints related to Boris Johnson and letterboxes, well that’s well above my pay grade.

‘It was a lovely day so I accompanied a colleague out on patrol, she had been ordered to drive around town in circles to give the impression of a strong police presence in the City. She had to alternate her hair style and wear a Michael Fabricant wig on each circuit to complete the illusion .

‘Feeling a little nostalgic I decided to take a walk around town on my old beat, catching up with locals and shopkeepers. Tourists were asking for selfies, assuming that I was part of the deluded local history group that dresses up in period costume.

‘A couple of days later I was called into the Inspector’s climate controlled office and informed that I was to be suspended for behaviour likely to bring the Force into disrepute.’

Staffordshire Police graduate entrant Inspector Bieber, 21, commented:

‘I can’t comment as this is an ongoing enquiry, but what I will say is that such behaviour, interacting directly with the public and addressing their day to day concerns is not what we are here to do and frankly makes the rest of us look bad.’

It is unclear who made the complaint but PC Mycock has his suspicions, he said

‘I have my suspicions. There are certain groups of vigilantes patrolling our streets and parks impersonating police officers.

‘As if the Speed Watch group aren’t irritating enough, we now have the self-styled Lichfield BID Officer Support (LIBIDOS) patrolling the town in para-police officer uniforms chatting to people and helping tourists.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I commend their aims but just like with Catholic priests, scout leaders and swimming coaches, you really do have to wonder about them don’t you?’’

PC Mycock is now planning to take early retirement and hopes to spend his nights with the shadowy vigilante group Lichfield Late Night Listeners.

Anyone who has been touched inappropriately by a vigilante is advised to contact the Daily Mail.

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Lichfield MP urged by Theresa May not to support her campaign

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Conservative leadership candidate Theresa May has pleaded with Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant not to declare support for her campaign.

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Unwelcome support

The battle to succeed David Cameron at Number 10 has seen a number of MPs benefiting from the endorsement of the Lichfield incumbent. Before any candidates had declared, Mr Fabricant was first out of the trap to declare that he was firmly behind fellow clown Boris Johnson’s claim to the throne.
He announced on Twitter:

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But following a tip-off in the early hours of Thursday morning that Blair-cuckold Rupert Murdoch had ordered the political assassination of Mr Johnson, the Lichfield member immediately switched his allegiance to someone who looked like a winner.

Unwittingly he opted for Justice Secretary Michael Gove, a self-styled egotist powered by a vortex of schoolboy inadequacy, haunted by the fear that his wife was punching below her weight. Mr Gove said:

‘I did almost everything not to be a candidate for the leadership of this party. I was so very reluctant because I know my limitations. Whatever charisma is, I don’t have it, whatever glamour may be, I don’t think anyone could ever associate me with it.’

Prior to the public announcement by Boris of his own demise, Mr Fabricant in a Saul-to-Paul-like conversion declared that Mr Gove was the only credible candidate for the PM’s job. He said:

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With support for Mr Grove dramatically dwindling going into the weekend, Mrs May’s team became increasingly concerned that Mr Fabricant would switch support to the Home Secretary. In a late night telephone call to the Lichfield MP Mrs May said:

‘Michael you’re a buffoon, but if I can rely on you to lend your support to Julie Andrews tribute act Andrea Leadsom, I can promise you a Cabinet roll.’

Sandwiches are also available at Cabinet meetings.