lichfield cathedral

Stowe Field earmarked for new gypsy site following Bishop of Lichfield’s Lent Appeal

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Stowe Field has been earmarked as a permanent gypsy and traveller site following the intervention of the Bishop of Lichfield in his Lent Appeal. Set against the backdrop of Lichfield Cathedral and bordering Stowe Pool, Stowe Field has been identified as an ideal site by Tamworth Borough Council.

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Cllr Robert Prickhard, 15, deputy leader of Tamworth Borough Council, commented:

‘Lichfield has just taken an enormous dump on Tamworth by swamping us with a planning consent for 1,000 houses on land at Arkall Farm. So in response we have invited Lichfield to accommodate the gypsies, Tamworth no longer has space. Stowe Field will be an ideal location.’

Tamworth’s case is supported by the Bishop of Lichfield, the Right Revd Dr Michael Ipcress. In his Lent Appeal the Bishop said:

‘I appeal to you to open your hearts and wallets in generosity as we focus on the needs of refugees and asylum seekers, strangers, aliens and even gypsies and travellers, certainly all people made in the image of God.’

Bishop Michael urged the local community to remember St Chad, the first Bishop of Lichfield who died on March 2, 672. He explained:

‘Chad was a Northumbrian, but the people to whom he came as bishop in Lichfield in 669 were Mercians. In a very real sense Chad was coming not to his own people, but to enemy territory where he could have been suspected, possibly resented, even hated. Just like the gypsies.

‘It is a fitting solution to Tamworth’s problems that the new encampment be located at Stowe Field, in the shelter of Lichfield Cathedral and in sight of St Chad’s own church.’

One of the travelling community’s leaders Paul Mycock commented:

‘Stowe Field would be an ideal location, having bathing facilities in Stowe Pool and easy access to the public disabled toilets at Malt and Faro Lounge – for those of us who prefer not to defecate in the kiddies play area.’

Bishop Michael added:

‘God and I commended Cllr Prickhard’s proposal to Lichfield District Council, not least because we live in Shrewsbury.’

On Saturday (March 4) the Community of St Chad will hold its annual service of commitment at St Chad’s Church in Lichfield at 11am, where Bishop Michael will preach.

FiveSpiresLive has not approached anyone for comment.

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National Rail to process all future bookings for Lichfield MP’s surgeries

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Lichfield constituents will now have to go online to book an appointment with their MP Michael Fabricant through the National Rail Enquiries website.

Caffe Nero
Lichfield constituency office (c)Michael Fabricant

Previously only available by written application penned with a swan’s quill on the finest vellum and handed to a barista at Caffe Nero, these surgery appointments have proven to be rather too bothersome. Mr Fabricant explained:

‘It was proving just too popular, some weeks I’d have see up to three plebeians pleading their worthless causes. It was outrageous, turning up to interrupt my long-weekend break with moans and groans about trivial parochial issues –  no health provision in Burntwood; appalling social housing conditions in the Dimbles; or, best of all, the sell-off of the Friary Library, what a joke, they can’t even read.

‘Well, local issues affecting people who don’t vote for me are of no interest and frankly it’s an unwelcome distraction from my camp Twitter innuendo sessions with a piping hot grande Americano.’

Our local member expects that the new booking arrangements, managed by National Rail Enquiries, will ensure that only issues relating to rail travel to and from London Euston on a Thursday afternoon and a Sunday evening will be raised.  Mr Fabricant elaborated:

‘Constituents can go online, type in their West Coast Mainline or HS2 concerns and National Rail will book a reservation with me on the London/Lichfield line. But remember, it’s first come first served – there’s only one 2 minute slot available per journey. And at a ticket price of £250 I think that’s real value for money.’

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“Intensely irritating” slight delay at Euston (c) Michael Fabricant

Mr Fabricant regularly challenges @LondonMidland on matters of grave concern to his constituents, he has tweeted:

“Is vaping allowed on @LondonMidland trains?  On Sunday, there were thick white fumes in my part of the train. Ugghhh!”

“Intensely irritating getting the message that @LondonMidland 14.46 EUS > Crewe is boarding then left on platform!”

The Lichfield MP has also called for a new HS2 station to be located by his home on The Close and for the new line to link up with Eurostar. The vociferous Brexit campaigner commented:

‘HS2 ought to have a complete rethink. The route is completely flawed. If it joined up with Eurostar we could deport migrants much more efficiently. What you have to ask is, if he had been in charge what would Hitler have done?’

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“What would Hitler have done?” (c) LichfieldLive

 

Lichfield Friarsgate development boosted by Lego’s Ai Weiwei decision

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Following the recent submission of a full planning application, the Friarsgate shopping centre redevelopment has come a step closer on the announcement that Lego is reversing its policy on bulk purchases and will no longer ask customers what they want to use the bricks for.
The U-turn follows a recent controversy involving Chinese artist Ai Weiwei where Lego was accused of censorship when it refused to sell bricks directly to him.
The company said its policy was to reject bulk requests if it believed that the resulting construction could tarnish its image.

Lego spokesman Roar Rude Trangbæk explained:
‘When we were approached by Lichfield developers with a preliminary enquiry as to the availability of our building materials were were initially reluctant to agree. Many other recent constructions in and around Lichfield have been based on our design concepts and incorporated our bricks. We are aware that this has aroused criticism locally and we feared a backlash.’
Now, following the Ai case, Lego has stated that they will no longer question customers as to the “thematic purpose” of their project.

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Lichfield District Council leader Mike Wilcox commented:
‘We are delighted with Lego’s decision. This will mean that the design of new city centre will sympathetically compliment our other historic buildings such as the Friary Car Park Apartments, the Premier Inn and not forgetting the Garrick Theatre.
‘And we can now cancel the proposed confiscation of lego bricks from the orphans of Burntwood and North Lichfield.’
Dean of Lichfield Cathedral The Very Very Reverend Friend of Fabricant Adrian Dorber was equally delighted, he said:
‘I am delighted that Lego is onboard. With the ease of modular construction this will mean that the height of the new buildings can be increased so as to completely block all lines of sight to Lichfield’s spires on most approaches to the city.’
Praise has also come from Orchard Street Investments, owner of the existing Three Spires Shopping centre, a spokesman commented:
‘We are equally delighted, with such thoughtful design input into the new build we are confident that this can only serve to increase the footfall in the direction of Three Spires.’
Anyone who wishes to comment on the development proposals can do so at http://www.lichfielddc.gov.uk

 

Crowds turn away in disgust as Lichfield Cathedral becomes a canvas to a travesty of a festive display

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Artist Peter Walker and composer David Harper have created A Cathedral Illuminated light and sound display only to see it descend into chaos this evening.

Festive images were expected to have been beamed onto the west front, with hundreds turning out for the display tonight (December 21).

Crowds gathered from 5pm hoping to see images from the nativity superimposed on the Cathedral façade.

Local plumber Paul Mycock was there with is three young children, he said:

‘I was expecting this to be a nice event for the kids in the run up to the big day, a bit high brow like lots of the crap they put on in Lichfield but it’s free so what’s not to like?

‘We were all excited as the show was about to begin, but then it all descended into chaos, we were subjected to multiple images of local member Michelle Fabricunt splashing up against the Cathedral walls to the strains of Land of Hope and Glory. The kids started screaming and running away down the Close. It’s a disgrace.’

There will be another chance to see the display between 5pm and 9pm tomorrow evening (Tuesday 22 December).

Lichfield businessman announces partnership with Jesus this Christmas

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Jesus joint venture deal done

A local knife and fork salesman has confirmed that he will be sponsoring Jesus Christ in Lichfield this Christmas.

Arthur Price CEO Vincent Price said:

‘Christmas is an extra special time, especially  for those of us with a raging God-complex. This joyous season presents numerous opportunities for self-promotion. With the assistance of the Very Very Rev’d Adrian Dorber, Dean of Lichfield, I can announce that I will be partnering Jesus Christ himself this year.

‘When Adrian told me that he had a direct line to God I explained that I had no need to contact Fabricant again. But this new partnership is a truly remarkable deal and will give Jesus a real boost in his marketing profile. Together we will welcome people to the vast array of festive events at which I will be photographed handing over cheques.’

The Cathedral Christmas tree is the focus of various events, including the To Be A Light and St Giles Hospice Light up a Life services. In previous years other local celebrities have make charitable contributions to the Tree. In 2013 local member Michael Fabricunt donated his hair piece during the Parliamentary recess.

The self-effacing spoon polisher is no stranger to sponsorship in his inexorable rise to deity-like status. In the summer Mr Price announced his company’s agreement with the Lichfield Garrick Theatre to top up the £360,000 generously donated by the poor, old and sick of Lichfield and Burntwood to support the artistic pretensions of Darwin Park residents.

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Vincent Price with Harry Hill and Albert Steptoe

Vince said:

‘I have been delighted by the pictures of me and Garrick artistic director Harry Hill that appeared in the local media. We have a packed program for the new season, I’m especially looking forward to “The Life and Times of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley” and later in the year, “The Addams Family: The Musical”.’

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Pain in the neck

Christmas giving started early again this year at Arthur Price. In October the cutlery and giftware firm announced a sale in support of the “We Love Lichfield” Fund. Mr Price explained:
‘The idea is simple, in October we increase our prices by 10% and then if customers buy from our factory outlet during November we donate £10 for every sale over £100 to this fantastic local cause.’

WLL-Nov-2015-Sale
Ten pounds raised for We Love Lichfield

“We Love Lichfield” offers grants of up to £1,000 in time for Christmas. Mr Price, a patron of the charity, he continued:

‘The fund helps support young entrepreneurs who can’t yet afford to be as ostentatiously charitable and well-dressed as myself. Do you like my moleskin jacket by the way? Come on, give it a feel.’

The Utterly Rev’d Doombar commented:

‘It wasn’t an easy deal to negotiate, Jesus was reluctant at first, fearing that he would be overshadowed by Vincent in the selfless giving stakes. I think that it was the complimentary set of stainless steel fish knives that swung it. Amen.’

 

 

 

Overwhelming public demand forces Lichfield UKIP candidate to agree to a poetry recital

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Lichfield and Burntwood UKIP candidate John Rackham promised local voters a real treat when he announced a series of public readings following his hugely successful appearance at the People InSpired election hustings last Sunday (19 April).

Last orders
Last orders

John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

The city’s favourite barman added:

‘I was delighted that over 300 people packed into the Cathedral to see me and listen to what I had to say. And I can tell you they were stunned into silence by my eloquent reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto.’

The owner of The Kings Head pub in Bird Street can be found manning the UKIP stand in Market Street each Saturday in the run up to the General Election. Accompanied by fellow UKIP members and nightclub bouncers, John hands out leaflets and chats with local white middle-class voters of limited intelligence.

This Saturday (25 April) John will be joining the other parliamentary candidates for a hustings at Speakers’ Corner. John said:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’

He added:

‘Dozens of people have come up to me in the boozer and said “Pint of Pedi please guv’nor” That’s what they call me you know, “The Guv’nor”, like in them gangster movies and Eastenders, ’cause I may be 69-years-old but I’m still fuckin’ ‘ard. And they say to me, “Loved your reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto guv, when can we hear more?”

‘Well there’s much more where that came from I can tell you, join me at the Speakers’ Corner on Saturday.’

At the Cathedral last Sunday John demonstrated his oratory skills as he read segments verbatim from the UKIP manifesto in response to impassioned pleas from the audience for guidance on a wide range of issues. He even threw in an ad-lib in reply to a question on what UKIP would do about climate change. To the delight and amusement of the audience John responded:

‘I’ve just read something about that…oh yes here we are – as you all well know, our position on climate change is “we’ll be keeping an eye on that”.’

After the break in proceedings,during which the congregation were invited to use the toilet facilities in McDonald’s Restaurant, John returned to the stage to apologise for the poor sound quality during the first session. He explained:

‘Apparently I should hold the microphone closer to my mouth, which I find a little bit of an odd suggestion as most of the time I’m talking out of my arse.’

Missing presumed dead
Missing presumed dead

The Kings Head is the oldest pub in Lichfield dating back to 1408 and is the birthplace of The Staffordshire Regiment. In honour of the pub’s military connections John has expressed a wish to expand his public reading repertoire. He explained:

‘I’m 69-years-old you know.

‘I plan to find time at the next hustings to give a poetry recital with a military theme.

‘ I had originally considered something by Siegfried Sassoon, but then our UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff pointed out that the guy must be a bloody German, that his middle name was Loraine and that after the War he went on to become a ladies hairdresser. That ticks all the wrong UKIP boxes.

‘So I’ve chosen “Dulce Et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen, he sounds like a good old fashioned  English heterosexual to me, even if his poem does sound a bit French. Here’s a little extract:

“But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,

And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…

Dim, through the misty panes…”

‘Sounds a bit like me on Sunday evening at the Cathedral come to think of it,’  reflected the 69-year-old boozer.

Anyone who wishes to contact Burntwood UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff, who has not been seen in public since his election in 2013, are advised to contact him either at The Kings Head or with the assistance of a medium.

Al Murray was unavailable for comment.

Lichfield MP donates his hair to Christmas Tree Festival charity effort

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MP MICHAEL Fabricant is preparing for a hair raising moment in aid of charity in the next few days.

The Lichfield and Burntwood Parliamentarian’s latest prank involves donating his golden locks to the City for the duration of the House of Common’s Christmas recess.

Last month publicity shy Mr Fabricant, 75, took part in Movember – the charity moustache-growing campaign in aid of Prostate Cancer UK –  wearing  a false “wing commander” during the last Prime Minister’s Questions in November.

This week Mr Fabricant will be donating his hair, which will then spend the festive season adorning one of the Cathedral’s trees during it’s Christmas Tree Festival. Starting at the bottom, the blonde thatch will gradually make its way up the tree as each charity donation target is met. It is hoped that by the big day the well known weave will have reached the very top.

The Bishop of Lichfield Jonathan Gledhill rejoiced: “This is a great contribution that Mikey has made to our Festival, depicting as it does the baldness of the baby Jesus and the gradual progression to a luxuriant full head of blonde hair in adulthood. On another level it also looks a little bit like straw in the manger.”

Resident in Cathedral Close whilst he is in Lichfield Mr Fabricant commented: “What better way to celebrate Christmas than to watch your own peruke steadily climbing up through the branches.” Asked what other bodily part would next get detached in the interest of charity, the MP said:”I tried it with my retina earlier in the year and at my age, who knows what will drop off next.”

To contribute to the cause, visit Mr Fabricant’s fund-raising page at www.alopeciaareatasupport.com