The Boundary Commission has drawn up plans to move Whittington and Streethay from the Lichfield constituency into the neighbouring Tamworth electoral area.
The proposal was branded as “excellent news” by Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant.
‘This will considerably reduce my workload. It will, at a stroke, remove all of those Whittington golfers whinging on about HS2 carving through their clubhouse and golf course. In addition I will no longer have to pretend to be interested in the local objections to the new residential and commercial developments in Streethay and its associated traffic problems. What’s not to like?’
Tamworth Conservative MP Chris Pincher says that the changes will bolster his parliamentary majority. He commented:
‘I welcome all former Lichfield Conservative voters into our Birmingham sink town constituency. I am sure that my objections to HS2 in 2010 that were instrumental in shifting the route out from Hopwas and Mile Oak and straight through Whittington Heath Golf Club have long since been forgotten.’
Less impressed is Robert Past, leader of Whittington’s Amish community and current chair of the so-called Green Party’s Lichfield and Burntwood branch. Speaking from the Tree House at the bottom of his parents’ garden the 15 year old firebrand said:
‘The Boundary Commission’s plan to remove Whittington from the Lichfield constituency is mindless and insensitive. Our weekly journey for essential provisions by pony and trap will take an extra three hours if we have to shop with the peasants at Tamworth Asda. This will be a real burden on our women folk especially in winter.’
Another consequence of the boundary changes will be the loss of Lichfield Trent Valley station from the constituency. MP Mr Fabricant has been taking up the matter of disabled access to the split level platforms with ministers for a number of years, he said:
‘Thank goodness I won’t be held responsible for this project when it’s kicked into the long grass again for another ten years. But as a regular rail traveller who is becoming increasingly infirm this is a real concern for Lichfield constituents. I will certainly be lobbying the MP responsible, Chris Pincher of Tamworth, to hold ministers to account.’
Mr Fabricant is widely expected to stand down as Conservative candidate for Lichfield MP before the next election in favour of his long term friend, West Midland’s Mayor Andy Street.
People have until December 5 to give their views on the proposed boundary changes via the online consultation website.
Lichfield constituents will now have to go online to book an appointment with their MP Michael Fabricant through the National Rail Enquiries website.
Previously only available by written application penned with a swan’s quill on the finest vellum and handed to a barista at Caffe Nero, these surgery appointments have proven to be rather too bothersome. Mr Fabricant explained:
‘It was proving just too popular, some weeks I’d have see up to three plebeians pleading their worthless causes. It was outrageous, turning up to interrupt my long-weekend break with moans and groans about trivial parochial issues – no health provision in Burntwood; appalling social housing conditions in the Dimbles; or, best of all, the sell-off of the Friary Library, what a joke, they can’t even read.
‘Well, local issues affecting people who don’t vote for me are of no interest and frankly it’s an unwelcome distraction from my camp Twitter innuendo sessions with a piping hot grande Americano.’
Our local member expects that the new booking arrangements, managed by National Rail Enquiries, will ensure that only issues relating to rail travel to and from London Euston on a Thursday afternoon and a Sunday evening will be raised. Mr Fabricant elaborated:
‘Constituents can go online, type in their West Coast Mainline or HS2 concerns and National Rail will book a reservation with me on the London/Lichfield line. But remember, it’s first come first served – there’s only one 2 minute slot available per journey. And at a ticket price of £250 I think that’s real value for money.’
Mr Fabricant regularly challenges @LondonMidland on matters of grave concern to his constituents, he has tweeted:
“Is vaping allowed on @LondonMidland trains? On Sunday, there were thick white fumes in my part of the train. Ugghhh!”
“Intensely irritating getting the message that @LondonMidland 14.46 EUS > Crewe is boarding then left on platform!”
The Lichfield MP has also called for a new HS2 station to be located by his home on The Close and for the new line to link up with Eurostar. The vociferous Brexit campaigner commented:
‘HS2 ought to have a complete rethink. The route is completely flawed. If it joined up with Eurostar we could deport migrants much more efficiently. What you have to ask is, if he had been in charge what would Hitler have done?’
Lichfield District Council has produced a list of the top 12 most popular rubbish dumping locations in the district, with Chorley coming in first position with no less that five of the top 12 slots.
Self-employed caravan dweller Mickey O’Connell said:
‘This is great news, so it is. I’ve just recently moved into the area and started up a house and garden clearance business. This Council report has saved me hours of research and a fortune in pink diesel.
‘With the evenings drawing in now it’s really handy to have a carefully selected list of excellent areas where I can drive and dump my load.’
The report entitled “Fly-tipping” has been compiled by council officer J R Hartley for consideration at tonight’s meeting of the Leisure, Parks and Waste Management (Overlook any Scrutiny) Committee.
The Committee will also be considering available options to abandon the Council’s involvement in local Parks and Open Spaces. In a separate F4F (“Fucked for the Foreseeable”) Service Review paper one of the proposals is for the sale of various facilities.
Committee member Cllr Sue Norman said:
‘Whilst wishing to secure a Waste Recycling Site for Burntwood I totally reject the proposal to sell-off Redwood Wildlife Park and Zoo to private waste site operators.’
Local Waste operator Rob Pass disagrees:
‘Redwood is already treated by the locals as a tip so the proposal makes perfect sense. In fact it would be a positive improvement as we wouldn’t accept dog shite and drug addicts.’
Any councillors who can read and wish to consider the reports or any local resident looking to discard that unwanted sofa with impunity should go here .
Lichfield UKIP “flying ant day” brings a swarm of press releases from anonymous racially challenged politicians
The unseasonally warm weather and the Jeremy Corbyn effect is being blamed for the sudden appearance of elderly unkempt politicians in the Lichfield area.
Burntwood South has not been represented by County Councillor Jeff Sheriff since 2013. Apart from a brief appearance alongside Pub Landlord Guvnor John (“I’m 70 years-old you know”) Rackham in the 2015 GE campaign, Cllr Sheriff has not been seen in public since his election to the County Council. Although there are unconfirmed reports that he was once spotted at Sankeys Corner looking confused and asking for directions to Stafford.
In recent days however the unseasonably warm weather and the ascendancy of Labour Leadership candidate Jeremy Corbyn has seen a sudden reappearance of Cllr Sheriff and his equally visually challenging UKIP colleagues.
Lichfield Green Party has started an online petition calling for Lichfield district to house ten refugee families. Commenting on the unfolding humanitarian crisis in Syria, the UKIP Sheriff commented :
‘These people are foreigners, whole families of foreigners in fact, fleeing persecution and death in their own country, parents risking the lives of themselves and their children to overcome unimaginable challenges, travelling by land and sea across continental Europe in the hope of finding sanctuary within the Wall.
‘The Lichfield Greens are emotionally stupid – ten, yes ten, families they want housing – do they not know the sort of strain that this will place on the local council tax payers? Yes, none, but I don’t bloody well want them here and neither do my mates, sorry UKIP officials, at the Kings Head.
‘Anyone fancy a chinky?’
Peter Cope, Chairman of the local UKIP branch believes public sympathy is misplaced. He said:
‘Ten families of foreigners? Do you know what sort of strain that will place on the local infrastructure of the wealthy district of Lichfield? Yes, that’s right, no strain at all. But I don’t want them here.’
Mr Cope, who has also not been seen in daylight since the General Election, continued:
‘That little drowned foreign boy and his poor brother who no-one much cares about because we didn’t get a photo, they were put in a boat and killed by their father, its as simple as that.
‘Cameron should stop being so weak, stand up to that German bitch Chancellor Merkel and start drowning them himself. The Royal Navy have been acting like a ferry service, well if they want a ferry service send in the Herald of Free Enterprise that’s what I say.
‘I don’t really feel like a chinky tonight Jeff, how about an Indian?’
John Rackham (85) has not been seen outside of the Kings Head since the General Election fiasco. Tonight (Tuesday) he is unwittingly playing host to local Leftie group of stone-gazers, Lichfield Discovered. Group leader Kate Gompertz said:
‘As a foreigner myself, I really don’t know what possessed me to arrange a meeting here, giving our hard earned cash to this character to fund his malign causes. And I can tell you, if he starts to falteringly recite the UKIP manifesto policy on immigration the cardigan will be on and I’ll be off.
‘Actually I fancy an Italian, get your coat love, you’ve pulled.’
The Society of Flying Ant Days wishes to disassociate itself from the sudden emergence of the UKIPs.
The Class War Party has announced the selection of local anarchist Andy Bennetts as it’s parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood in the 2015 General Election.
Class War, a UK class-struggle based group founded in 1983 by Ian Bonehead, became a registered political party in 2014.
Local water-gypsy and part-time comedian Andy said:
‘Class War puts working class politics at the heart of everything that it does, which means it is angry and fucking sweary just like all the great unwashed stereotypical working class that we claim to represent. They’re all at it, those stereotypical working class guys, boozing away the weekend on Carlsberg Special Brew, shagging ugly drunk birds and telling the Filth to “just fuck off out of my face”.’
Speaking at his launch event through a megaphone to group of five Tennents Super connoisseurs Andy compares the general election to a “‘periodic circus”.
‘Lichfield’s MP on May 8 will be Michael Fabricunt, he could go on fucking holiday today to his country mansion and leave his wig to fight the campaign and still win.’
Speaking from his North Wales country retreat Michael Fabricant commented:
‘I take nothing for granted. I stand on my record. Is it over yet?’
Mr Bennetts continued:
‘We’re having more of a pantomime than an election. Chris Whoishey is busy trying to make a good impression on the Labour party in the hope of being selected to fight a winnable seat in Sandwell in the future. Robert Passable (Green Amish Party), Paul Ray (Browne Nose Party) and the Pub Landlord (UKIP) are all trying to raise their profile locally in the hope of some success in local council elections.
‘This election is a lot of old fucking bollocks.’
When not on his canal boat swearing at passers-by and barking at dogs Andy works at Sabcat a Pelsall based Antichrist Workers Co-operative that sources ethically produced fair wear, organic, low-carbon T-shirts and then prints foul language and offensive images onto them for money.
Anyone who would like to learn more about the Provisional wing of the Labour Party can go to https://www.facebook.com/LichfieldClassWar
Anyone who would like to follow Andy’s antics in BBC TV’s House of Fools can go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5x79f1JLL4zYKZpcFKDjvYh/q-a-with-vic-and-bob