Conservatives

A doctor asks, “Is Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant suffering from Schrodinger’s Member Syndrome?”

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Westgate Medical Practice’s celebrity doctor “Prof” Helen Stokes-Lampard (f) is concerned that the local member’s voting record, in what has been a tumultuous shitfest of a week in British politics, exhibits symptoms of the so-called Schrodinger’s Member Syndrome (SMS).

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Dr Hilary said: ’My intimate knowledge of my patient coupled with my bourgeoning media career has given me ample opportunity to observe Michael in his natural habitat in Westminster. SMS is a psychological condition, little-known outside of the Parliamentary estate, enabling a politician to simultaneously hold two contradictory views of reality without any discernible internal conflict.’

On Tuesday evening Mr Fabricant was instrumental in delivering an historically humiliating defeat to his own Tory government when he voted against the Withdrawal Agreement.

On Wednesday evening he joined his fellow Tory raft-clingers and gave his whole-hearted support to the Tory government in a No Confidence vote.

Mr Fabricant commented: ‘On Tuesday evening Mrs May was a treacherous Remainer who is failing to deliver the will of the British people. On Wednesday evening the PM was the most glorious leader this country has seen since Mrs Thatcher during the Falklands War. What’s the problem?

‘And, in common with Westgate, I’ve no idea who this Dr Strobes is. She most certainly has never entered me, nor me her. Obviously.

‘But let’s not confuse my ability to see all sides of an argument as being a symptom of this SMS. Forget Brexit and consider my unequivocal position on HS2 for example – I am a strong supporter of this major infrastructure project that will deliver huge commercial benefits to the whole nation. And I will be lobbying for the cancellation of this vanity project, it’ll never be delivered on time or on budget.  What could be clearer?’

Fellow Tory buffoon Jacob Ree-Smogg came to Mr Fabricant’s aid: ‘I see nothing inconsistent in Michael’s position, it is entirely in alignment with my own. I whole heartedly support the PM and will campaign for her to be replaced at the earliest opportunity. More champers Nanny please!’

GP Dr Helen Stokes-Lampard commented: ‘I did perform a digital rectal exam on Mr Fabricant when he presented with symptoms of laryngitis, but I have never publicly disclosed the deterioration in his mental health. However, I guess the cat is out of the bag now. Or the box. If it was ever in there, dead or alive.’

Mr Fabricant has asked that constituents contact him by email or Twitter in future as he will no longer be accepting text messages.

 

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Ex-Conservative councillor “transitions” and stands as a Labour candidate in Stowe by-election

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In a dramatic move renegade Conservative ex-councilor Joanne Grange is standing in the Stowe ward by-election as her alter ego, the ‘70’s Labour activist Don Palmer.

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Ms Granger commented:

‘It’s an open secret in my family that at the weekends I will often don a donkey jacket, pull on a pair of monkey boots and head into town for a chat and a few pints with the local common folk. I’ve found that the lads in Scales and the Angel are more prepared to listen to the rantings of Don, the left wing bloke from the ’70’s than the insane ramblings of a middle-aged, middle-class Tory NIMBY.’

Joe Grange quit the Tory-controlled Lichfield District Council and tore up her Conservative entitlement card after criticising the way planning rules are being applied. Local planning officer Paul Mycock spoke to 5SL off the record, he said:

‘We cracked open a bottle of Newkie Brown in the office when we heard that Cllr Grange-Hill had resigned. She was a typical newly-elected councillor, thinking that she could change decades of institutionalised incompetence overnight. A real pain in the arse to be honest. We didn’t expect it of a Conservative councillor, most of them either don’t turn up or nod through Cabinet decisions or just simply nod-off.’

Acting Council Leader Mike Wilcox has recently returned to “work” after a period of compassionate leave following the untimely death of his own alter ego the Chuckle Brothers, Barry Chuckle.

He said:

‘I very much regret that Jo has resigned as councillor, if only she had tried to contact me and opened a dialogue, a meeting or an email would have sufficed. And, if she had, which she didn’t, if only I had replied, then all of this nonsense could have been avoided.

‘I would have explained to her that as a Conservative councillor your job is to turn up (optional), vote for everything I say and collect your expenses. How difficult can that be? I did notice that she appeared at a recent planning meeting after resigning, that is most unwelcome and evidence of mental instability. However I wish Don well in the bi-election.

‘And yes, I miss Barry.’

District Council Labour group leader Cllr Sue Norman was delighted to to discover that candidate Don Palmer is none other than Tory blue rinse Joanne Grange. She said:

‘Does anyone remember that I was a close adviser to Tony Blair back in the day?

‘Back in the day when Labour was a credible, electable, socially liberal and progressive party? Remember that? No, neither do I.

‘Anyway, we are a Broadchurch, if the only way Labour can win an election is to embrace a transitioning Conservative then so be it.

‘If it’s good enough for Dr Who it’s good enough for me.’

The full list of candidates for the 27 September 2018 poll is available somewhere else.

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Lichfield MP’s appearance in Burntwood blamed on GPS malfunction

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BURNTWOOD residents were astonished to find their local Member of Parliament, Michael Fabricant, was in their town this week.

Local hair technician Britney Singleton commented:

‘We was pushing the babbies back home from the “Sue Woodward Memorial Swing Theme Park” when I spotted an elderly gentleman with a blonde hair enhancement staggering down the street in a confused state. It was almost eleven o’clock in the morning so I naturally assumed that he was pissed.’

Britney’s mum Pauline was with her at the time. The 35 year-old mother of five said:

‘I couldn’t believe my eyes. Britney is too young to remember, but there in front of my very eyes was the fabled Member.  In all the years since he was elected in 1992 we’ve hoped and prayed that there would be visitation by the mythical Fabricunt to lend his support to our local struggles and deliver us from this socialist tyranny. And there he was in the flesh – a real disappointment to be honest.’

Burntwood pharmacist Sukhwinder Singh said:

‘We get many mentally challenged locals in here every day. And frankly, to most of them I have to say – sorry I cant help you, try Bargain Booze down the road, it’s the shop with the boarded up windows following an attack by drunks.

‘But, although I tend to the needs of these badlands, I actually I live within the Wall and I’m hoping one day to be allowed into the Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS). I recognised the clown instantly. My assistant took him into the back of the shop whilst I secured the entrance. They were baying like wolves at the door for a sight of the legendary Fabricunt, saviour of the East.’

Mr Singh’s assistant, Pam Larlor continued:

‘Fabricuntio was  clearly confused and disoriented when he came into the shop. He said that he’d  been on his way to a college reunion in Oxford, when I know for a fact that he got a Desmond in Running and Jumping from the University of Laughborough.’

Mrs Larlor added:

‘He was rambling on about being a high-ranking member of the Conservative Party and having an urgent appointment with the PM at Chequers to discuss his proposed response to recent UKIP advances.

‘I’m stupid and have no idea what he was talking about but he clearly needed medical attention. If only he had lobbied for that new Burntwood medical centre we were promised. As it was Mr Singh just drove him back to the Cathedral City on his way home.’

Mr Singh explained:

‘As we approached the City and the spires of the Cathedral came into view Mr Fabricunt’s condition improved markedly. By the time I’d shown my passport and driven beyond the Wall he was back to his old self, tweeting knob gags on his phone before skipping off in the direction of the Close.’

Any residents of Burntwood who would like to see their local MP again before the 2015 General Election are advised to be prepared for a disappointment.