MP Michael Fabricant has invited President-Elect Donald Trump to Lichfield for a masterclass in Wall building.
Following Trump’s shock success in the US presidential election Mr Fabricant sent his congratulations to the Republican usurper. Declaring Trump’s victory in November to be a “Western Spring”. He said:
‘I congratulated Donald on his impressive victory and invited him to Lichfield to show him how a carefully constructed imaginary Wall created in the minds of unwanted sections of a community can be as effective as any actual physical structure.’
Donald Trump wants to build an “impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, southern border wall” between the US and Mexico. The Republican victor’s big ideas have proven to be small on detail, and the wall is no exception. The US-Mexico border is almost 2,000 miles long and crosses all sorts of terrain from empty, dusty desert to the lush and rugged surroundings of the Rio Grande.
According to Mr Fabricant not only is the physical construction of such a wall a mammoth and costly engineering project, it is also unnecessary. He explained:
‘By vividly describing the wall during the election campaign many lazy Mexicans already believe that the structure exists and, preferring siestas to abseiling, will carry on raping and drug dealing in their own lands. It’s much the same in Burntwood which is itself beyond the Wall.’
Soon to be President Trump drew many parallels with Brexit during his campaign and harnessed the intellectual powers of UKIP’s odious recidivistic leader Nigel Fromage. Mr Trump admitted:
‘Sometimes all that the downtrodden, desperate and disenfranchised masses require is a leader of cunning, a demagogue who reads the waves of resentment and rides them to a popular victory. Well Hello there.’
Lichfield’s MP agreed:
‘Donald is basically a charismatic liar, selling the electorate an elaborate hoax of the utopian benefits of supporting his illusory world view.
‘Much the same was we did with Brexit. I’m the first person to stand up for our fantastic NHS, they’re doing a fantastic job already so do they really need that extra £350m a week? I don’t think so.’
When asked to comment on his invitation to Lichfield Mr Trump said:
‘I’m delighted that my idea of an imaginary wall has been implemented so effectively in Litchfield. I’ve never heard of this Fabricunt guy, but I’ll say this for him, he’s got great hair. Great hair.’
Lichfield UKIP “flying ant day” brings a swarm of press releases from anonymous racially challenged politicians
The unseasonally warm weather and the Jeremy Corbyn effect is being blamed for the sudden appearance of elderly unkempt politicians in the Lichfield area.
Burntwood South has not been represented by County Councillor Jeff Sheriff since 2013. Apart from a brief appearance alongside Pub Landlord Guvnor John (“I’m 70 years-old you know”) Rackham in the 2015 GE campaign, Cllr Sheriff has not been seen in public since his election to the County Council. Although there are unconfirmed reports that he was once spotted at Sankeys Corner looking confused and asking for directions to Stafford.
In recent days however the unseasonably warm weather and the ascendancy of Labour Leadership candidate Jeremy Corbyn has seen a sudden reappearance of Cllr Sheriff and his equally visually challenging UKIP colleagues.
Lichfield Green Party has started an online petition calling for Lichfield district to house ten refugee families. Commenting on the unfolding humanitarian crisis in Syria, the UKIP Sheriff commented :
‘These people are foreigners, whole families of foreigners in fact, fleeing persecution and death in their own country, parents risking the lives of themselves and their children to overcome unimaginable challenges, travelling by land and sea across continental Europe in the hope of finding sanctuary within the Wall.
‘The Lichfield Greens are emotionally stupid – ten, yes ten, families they want housing – do they not know the sort of strain that this will place on the local council tax payers? Yes, none, but I don’t bloody well want them here and neither do my mates, sorry UKIP officials, at the Kings Head.
‘Anyone fancy a chinky?’
Peter Cope, Chairman of the local UKIP branch believes public sympathy is misplaced. He said:
‘Ten families of foreigners? Do you know what sort of strain that will place on the local infrastructure of the wealthy district of Lichfield? Yes, that’s right, no strain at all. But I don’t want them here.’
Mr Cope, who has also not been seen in daylight since the General Election, continued:
‘That little drowned foreign boy and his poor brother who no-one much cares about because we didn’t get a photo, they were put in a boat and killed by their father, its as simple as that.
‘Cameron should stop being so weak, stand up to that German bitch Chancellor Merkel and start drowning them himself. The Royal Navy have been acting like a ferry service, well if they want a ferry service send in the Herald of Free Enterprise that’s what I say.
‘I don’t really feel like a chinky tonight Jeff, how about an Indian?’
John Rackham (85) has not been seen outside of the Kings Head since the General Election fiasco. Tonight (Tuesday) he is unwittingly playing host to local Leftie group of stone-gazers, Lichfield Discovered. Group leader Kate Gompertz said:
‘As a foreigner myself, I really don’t know what possessed me to arrange a meeting here, giving our hard earned cash to this character to fund his malign causes. And I can tell you, if he starts to falteringly recite the UKIP manifesto policy on immigration the cardigan will be on and I’ll be off.
‘Actually I fancy an Italian, get your coat love, you’ve pulled.’
The Society of Flying Ant Days wishes to disassociate itself from the sudden emergence of the UKIPs.
As the nation decides and the voters of Lichfield (and half a dozen folks from Burntwood) anoint Michael Fabricant on his triumphant return to Cathedral Close for another term, what becomes of the other candidates?
Chris Worse-y (Labour) leaves Lichfield for the final time and returns to his real life as a Sandwell Councillor hoping to be nominated in a West Midlands constituency that he is actually interested in when he leaves college in five years time.
The LibDem candidate Poor Ray, having failed to be elected either as our new MP or as councillor for Chadsmead returns to his charismatic and ever popular day job as a banking lawyer. The only chance he has of being called “councillor” [sic] is if he transfers to the New York Bar.
Pub Landlord, “the Gu’vnor” Johnny Rackman returns to the Kings Head stunned by the fact that despite the height of his campaign being his faltering rendition of sections of the UKIP manifesto, he has actually come second. Hosting a “private” party in the pub into the early hours of Friday morning celebrating the life of the comedy script writer Roy Clarke, the ruddy faced drunks head off to Burntwood Leisure Centre for the count.
On hearing the declaration he becomes giddy, not through an excess of Pedigree ale but rocked by the realisation of “what the fuck would I have done if I’d actually won”
Rob Pass of the Green Party impressed many during the campaign and benefited from the piss-poor performance of the
LibDems. When even the LibDems own campaign team say they’ll vote for another candidate you know it’s not going to end well. As a result the Greens keep their deposit and the passionate and earnest Pass returns to his beloved Tree house hoping that the coming years will involve more sex.
Water-gypsy and angry T-shirt printer Andy Bennetts burst onto the Lichfield political scene as the Class War Party candidate. Class War is a party of shaven-headed banner-waving drunks, the Provisional Wing of the Labour Party, whose image prompted Michael Fabricant to call for police protection at the Cathedral hustings.
In reality Bennetts fought a refreshing, articulate and entertaining campaign and captured the nature of the constituency perfectly. My favourite moment was at Speakers Corner where a CND/Green lady urged the crowd to join a protest against Trident outside of Waterstones in Birmingham the following day. Bennetts responded:
‘I don’t think there are any nuclear weapons in Waterstones Birmingham, so if you’re serious about protesting get a train to Faslane.’
A Class Act yet he loses his deposit but having been out drinking all day he doesn’t give a toss, after all it wasn’t his fucking money anyway.
The Stick was a late-comer but wowed the crowd with his appearance as Michael Fabricant’s alter-ego at the Speakers’ Corner hustings. He listened carefully to the debate, allowing the other candidates to put their case undaunted by the presence of the great parliamentarian himself. On international affairs Stick remained tight lipped about his travels far and wide around the globe, thereby avoiding the crowd’s heckle: “Pity you never managed to find Burntwood.”
Stick will now assist Michael Fabricant with his constituency work. Whilst Mr Fabricant is busy drinking with cronies in Cafe Nero or retweeting Twanks to his sycophantic Twitter followers, Stick will be holding the fort in Burntwood. Regular surgeries will be the order of the day, Stick will go along to the Leisure Centre twice a month and listen attentively to the health and welfare concerns of the Lost Tribe.
Stick will then say nothing and do nothing, just like Mr Fabricant himself.
Anyone who is concerned about the outcome of this election is advised to wait, another may well be on its way sooner than expected.
Lichfield and Burntwood UKIP candidate John Rackham promised local voters a real treat when he announced a series of public readings following his hugely successful appearance at the People InSpired election hustings last Sunday (19 April).
‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’
The city’s favourite barman added:
‘I was delighted that over 300 people packed into the Cathedral to see me and listen to what I had to say. And I can tell you they were stunned into silence by my eloquent reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto.’
The owner of The Kings Head pub in Bird Street can be found manning the UKIP stand in Market Street each Saturday in the run up to the General Election. Accompanied by fellow UKIP members and nightclub bouncers, John hands out leaflets and chats with local white middle-class voters of limited intelligence.
This Saturday (25 April) John will be joining the other parliamentary candidates for a hustings at Speakers’ Corner. John said:
‘I’m 69-years-old you know.’
‘Dozens of people have come up to me in the boozer and said “Pint of Pedi please guv’nor” That’s what they call me you know, “The Guv’nor”, like in them gangster movies and Eastenders, ’cause I may be 69-years-old but I’m still fuckin’ ‘ard. And they say to me, “Loved your reading of extracts from the UKIP manifesto guv, when can we hear more?”
‘Well there’s much more where that came from I can tell you, join me at the Speakers’ Corner on Saturday.’
At the Cathedral last Sunday John demonstrated his oratory skills as he read segments verbatim from the UKIP manifesto in response to impassioned pleas from the audience for guidance on a wide range of issues. He even threw in an ad-lib in reply to a question on what UKIP would do about climate change. To the delight and amusement of the audience John responded:
‘I’ve just read something about that…oh yes here we are – as you all well know, our position on climate change is “we’ll be keeping an eye on that”.’
After the break in proceedings,during which the congregation were invited to use the toilet facilities in McDonald’s Restaurant, John returned to the stage to apologise for the poor sound quality during the first session. He explained:
‘Apparently I should hold the microphone closer to my mouth, which I find a little bit of an odd suggestion as most of the time I’m talking out of my arse.’
The Kings Head is the oldest pub in Lichfield dating back to 1408 and is the birthplace of The Staffordshire Regiment. In honour of the pub’s military connections John has expressed a wish to expand his public reading repertoire. He explained:
‘I’m 69-years-old you know.
‘I plan to find time at the next hustings to give a poetry recital with a military theme.
‘ I had originally considered something by Siegfried Sassoon, but then our UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff pointed out that the guy must be a bloody German, that his middle name was Loraine and that after the War he went on to become a ladies hairdresser. That ticks all the wrong UKIP boxes.
‘So I’ve chosen “Dulce Et Decorum Est” by Wilfred Owen, he sounds like a good old fashioned English heterosexual to me, even if his poem does sound a bit French. Here’s a little extract:
“But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…
Dim, through the misty panes…”
‘Sounds a bit like me on Sunday evening at the Cathedral come to think of it,’ reflected the 69-year-old boozer.
Anyone who wishes to contact Burntwood UKIP County Councillor Jeff Sheriff, who has not been seen in public since his election in 2013, are advised to contact him either at The Kings Head or with the assistance of a medium.
Al Murray was unavailable for comment.
As the 2015 General Election campaign gets into it’s stride Lichfield’s Green Party candidate Robert Pass declares that when he is elected as MP Lichfield will become the UK’s first independent Amish community.
Rob will contest the seat currently held by Michael Fabricant on May 7. He grew up in Whittington and attended school in Lichfield before studying Old Chinese Proverbs at Birmingham University. He has also been an environmental campaigner with Birmingham Friends of the Earth and works in the family rag-and-bone company, “Where There’s Muck There’s Money” Limited based in Birmingham.
‘Admittedly I’ve never travelled very far from home in my life, but then a pony and trap has a very limited range.’
The Green Party’s local spokesperson is Whittington based Simon Partridge. The self-styled “Elegant Vintage Vocalist” and lounge lizard crooned:
‘There may be trouble ahead, but while there’s moonlight and music and love and romance, we couldn’t have hoped for a better candidate than Robert to represent the Green Party. And dance.’
The Green’s launch party was held at Burntwood Rugby Club where the campaign’s incoherent national policy was explained to an uninterested audience. Attracted to the event by the warmth of the venue on a freezing-cold Sunday afternoon and with the promise of free lentil soup and herbal tea, the five locals were left bemused by the Green Party policy pledges (many of which are true) including:
- Handouts of £250 billion to enable people to “choose whether or not to bother going to work.”
- Basic maths and economics – banned as irrelevant
- Inheritance tax – 100%
- Cars – banned
- Foreign holidays – banned
- Imports – banned
- The sex industry- compulsory.
- Prisons closed and inmates released to work on the land and paint barns doors.
- Independent schools – banned.
- Religious instruction – banned.
- Basket weaving,ploughing and tree-whispering will become core subjects.
- Wispy beards compulsory for all, including womenfolk
- Advertising – banned.
- International sporting fixtures – banned.
- New airports – banned.
- New homes and businesses to provide stables for horses.
- Helicopters – banned.
- Abortion liberalised to allow doctor’s receptionists to carry out the procedure
- Breastfeeding in public – compulsory
- Membership of a terrorist groups – discretionary
- As the standing Armed services are “unnecessary”, bases will be turned into nature reserves and the arms industry “converted” to produce wind turbines.
- The monarchy will be abolished and the Queen will become a tenant of Bromford Housing
During the eight hour launch party Mr Partridge glided amongst the gatherers to give wonderful renditions of timeless Green Party classics such as Pennies From Heaven, Call Me Irresponsible and Anything Goes . Rob was delighted and commented:
‘A big thanks to Lloyd the Bartender, this style of music has always appealed to the Greens – the Big Banned Sound.’
Speaking later from his home in the Tree-house at the bottom of his parents’ garden, Rob said:
‘The Green Party offers a truly bonkers alternative to real world politics. I’m proud to stand as Green Party candidate in my home city and pledge to fight for an economy that functions in the interests of the common good, for a society that is fair and democratic…’
‘…and a planet that is habitable for future generations Rob,’ prompted the Tree, quietly but with a hint of menace.
Anyone wishing to send their loved ones off in style can contact Simon for a funeral wake package at www.simonpartridge.com
The candidates standing in the Lichfield constituency in May are:
- Andy Bennetts – EDL Splinter Left Drunk Faction Party
- Michael Fabricant – Whigs
- Robert Pass – Amish
- John Rackham – Pub Landlord FUKP
- Paul Ray – Sepia Jacobson Bored Lawyer Party
- Chris Worsey – Labour (Sandwell) 2020 Party
BURNTWOOD residents were astonished to find their local Member of Parliament, Michael Fabricant, was in their town this week.
Local hair technician Britney Singleton commented:
‘We was pushing the babbies back home from the “Sue Woodward Memorial Swing Theme Park” when I spotted an elderly gentleman with a blonde hair enhancement staggering down the street in a confused state. It was almost eleven o’clock in the morning so I naturally assumed that he was pissed.’
Britney’s mum Pauline was with her at the time. The 35 year-old mother of five said:
‘I couldn’t believe my eyes. Britney is too young to remember, but there in front of my very eyes was the fabled Member. In all the years since he was elected in 1992 we’ve hoped and prayed that there would be visitation by the mythical Fabricunt to lend his support to our local struggles and deliver us from this socialist tyranny. And there he was in the flesh – a real disappointment to be honest.’
Burntwood pharmacist Sukhwinder Singh said:
‘We get many mentally challenged locals in here every day. And frankly, to most of them I have to say – sorry I cant help you, try Bargain Booze down the road, it’s the shop with the boarded up windows following an attack by drunks.
‘But, although I tend to the needs of these badlands, I actually I live within the Wall and I’m hoping one day to be allowed into the Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS). I recognised the clown instantly. My assistant took him into the back of the shop whilst I secured the entrance. They were baying like wolves at the door for a sight of the legendary Fabricunt, saviour of the East.’
Mr Singh’s assistant, Pam Larlor continued:
‘Fabricuntio was clearly confused and disoriented when he came into the shop. He said that he’d been on his way to a college reunion in Oxford, when I know for a fact that he got a Desmond in Running and Jumping from the University of Laughborough.’
Mrs Larlor added:
‘He was rambling on about being a high-ranking member of the Conservative Party and having an urgent appointment with the PM at Chequers to discuss his proposed response to recent UKIP advances.
‘I’m stupid and have no idea what he was talking about but he clearly needed medical attention. If only he had lobbied for that new Burntwood medical centre we were promised. As it was Mr Singh just drove him back to the Cathedral City on his way home.’
Mr Singh explained:
‘As we approached the City and the spires of the Cathedral came into view Mr Fabricunt’s condition improved markedly. By the time I’d shown my passport and driven beyond the Wall he was back to his old self, tweeting knob gags on his phone before skipping off in the direction of the Close.’
Any residents of Burntwood who would like to see their local MP again before the 2015 General Election are advised to be prepared for a disappointment.