As the nation decides and the voters of Lichfield (and half a dozen folks from Burntwood) anoint Michael Fabricant on his triumphant return to Cathedral Close for another term, what becomes of the other candidates?
Chris Worse-y (Labour) leaves Lichfield for the final time and returns to his real life as a Sandwell Councillor hoping to be nominated in a West Midlands constituency that he is actually interested in when he leaves college in five years time.
The LibDem candidate Poor Ray, having failed to be elected either as our new MP or as councillor for Chadsmead returns to his charismatic and ever popular day job as a banking lawyer. The only chance he has of being called “councillor” [sic] is if he transfers to the New York Bar.
Pub Landlord, “the Gu’vnor” Johnny Rackman returns to the Kings Head stunned by the fact that despite the height of his campaign being his faltering rendition of sections of the UKIP manifesto, he has actually come second. Hosting a “private” party in the pub into the early hours of Friday morning celebrating the life of the comedy script writer Roy Clarke, the ruddy faced drunks head off to Burntwood Leisure Centre for the count.
On hearing the declaration he becomes giddy, not through an excess of Pedigree ale but rocked by the realisation of “what the fuck would I have done if I’d actually won”
Rob Pass of the Green Party impressed many during the campaign and benefited from the piss-poor performance of the
LibDems. When even the LibDems own campaign team say they’ll vote for another candidate you know it’s not going to end well. As a result the Greens keep their deposit and the passionate and earnest Pass returns to his beloved Tree house hoping that the coming years will involve more sex.
Water-gypsy and angry T-shirt printer Andy Bennetts burst onto the Lichfield political scene as the Class War Party candidate. Class War is a party of shaven-headed banner-waving drunks, the Provisional Wing of the Labour Party, whose image prompted Michael Fabricant to call for police protection at the Cathedral hustings.
In reality Bennetts fought a refreshing, articulate and entertaining campaign and captured the nature of the constituency perfectly. My favourite moment was at Speakers Corner where a CND/Green lady urged the crowd to join a protest against Trident outside of Waterstones in Birmingham the following day. Bennetts responded:
‘I don’t think there are any nuclear weapons in Waterstones Birmingham, so if you’re serious about protesting get a train to Faslane.’
A Class Act yet he loses his deposit but having been out drinking all day he doesn’t give a toss, after all it wasn’t his fucking money anyway.
The Stick was a late-comer but wowed the crowd with his appearance as Michael Fabricant’s alter-ego at the Speakers’ Corner hustings. He listened carefully to the debate, allowing the other candidates to put their case undaunted by the presence of the great parliamentarian himself. On international affairs Stick remained tight lipped about his travels far and wide around the globe, thereby avoiding the crowd’s heckle: “Pity you never managed to find Burntwood.”
Stick will now assist Michael Fabricant with his constituency work. Whilst Mr Fabricant is busy drinking with cronies in Cafe Nero or retweeting Twanks to his sycophantic Twitter followers, Stick will be holding the fort in Burntwood. Regular surgeries will be the order of the day, Stick will go along to the Leisure Centre twice a month and listen attentively to the health and welfare concerns of the Lost Tribe.
Stick will then say nothing and do nothing, just like Mr Fabricant himself.
Anyone who is concerned about the outcome of this election is advised to wait, another may well be on its way sooner than expected.
The Class War Party has announced the selection of local anarchist Andy Bennetts as it’s parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood in the 2015 General Election.
Class War, a UK class-struggle based group founded in 1983 by Ian Bonehead, became a registered political party in 2014.
Local water-gypsy and part-time comedian Andy said:
‘Class War puts working class politics at the heart of everything that it does, which means it is angry and fucking sweary just like all the great unwashed stereotypical working class that we claim to represent. They’re all at it, those stereotypical working class guys, boozing away the weekend on Carlsberg Special Brew, shagging ugly drunk birds and telling the Filth to “just fuck off out of my face”.’
Speaking at his launch event through a megaphone to group of five Tennents Super connoisseurs Andy compares the general election to a “‘periodic circus”.
‘Lichfield’s MP on May 8 will be Michael Fabricunt, he could go on fucking holiday today to his country mansion and leave his wig to fight the campaign and still win.’
Speaking from his North Wales country retreat Michael Fabricant commented:
‘I take nothing for granted. I stand on my record. Is it over yet?’
Mr Bennetts continued:
‘We’re having more of a pantomime than an election. Chris Whoishey is busy trying to make a good impression on the Labour party in the hope of being selected to fight a winnable seat in Sandwell in the future. Robert Passable (Green Amish Party), Paul Ray (Browne Nose Party) and the Pub Landlord (UKIP) are all trying to raise their profile locally in the hope of some success in local council elections.
‘This election is a lot of old fucking bollocks.’
When not on his canal boat swearing at passers-by and barking at dogs Andy works at Sabcat a Pelsall based Antichrist Workers Co-operative that sources ethically produced fair wear, organic, low-carbon T-shirts and then prints foul language and offensive images onto them for money.
Anyone who would like to learn more about the Provisional wing of the Labour Party can go to https://www.facebook.com/LichfieldClassWar
Anyone who would like to follow Andy’s antics in BBC TV’s House of Fools can go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5x79f1JLL4zYKZpcFKDjvYh/q-a-with-vic-and-bob