three spires shopping centre

Lichfield Barnardo’s to recruit more volunteers to fund chief executive’s £200k pa lifestyle

Posted on

The new Barnardo’s charity shop in the Three Spires Shopping Centre was officially opened last week. Jason Worley, area business manager for Barnardo’s, said:

‘We are recruiting volunteers to run the new store for free and help fund our Corporate Leadership Team’s salaries and pension funds. Just a couple of hours a week from a volunteer can help put our executives’ children through public school, summer vacations in Tuscany and winters in Klosters. Remember, at Barnardo’s we’re all about the children.’

Local volunteer Paul Mycock, 63, welcomes the arrival of Barnardo’s in the city, he said:

‘There aren’t nearly enough charity shops in Lichfield at the moment. It’s very difficult for us elderly would-be volunteers to find decent unpaid unemployment in the city at the moment. As soon as vacancies arise they are filled by the young unemployed desperate to work for years for nothing, just to give themselves the semblance of a cv in the hope of securing that dream job on the Minimum Wage.’

But Paul is one of the lucky ones, he explained that research is important in preparing for a job interview:

‘Oxfam asked me why I thought I deserved to be an unpaid worker in their organisation, I said

“I’m an elderly sexual predator with a predilection for teenage Haitian prostitutes.”

‘I got the job. Let that be a lesson kids.’

Barnardo’s Chief Executive Javed Khan was unavailable for comment, he said:

‘Actually, my son is quite keen on Harvard, if you could just dig a little deeper please.’

A volunteer wrote this. Say thanks with a coffee or a punch in the face on a football pitch.

Barnardo’s photo courtesy of ace Lichfield photographer Robert Yardley and published without his knowledge or consent

Advertisements

Disabled Lichfield residents should not be allowed out, claims Burntwood Labour councillor

Posted on

Disabled Lichfield residents should not be allowed out on the roads, claims Burntwood Labour councillor.

A Burntwood Labour councillor has called for more to be done to enable able-bodied Lichfield residents to drive around the city unimpeded by disabled people and their vehicles.

Cllr Eric Drinkwater (sic) told a recent meeting of Lichfield District Council that authorities needed to do more on the issue.

Eric Drinks Water ?
Eric Drinks Water ?

He said:

‘I have every sympathy with law-abiding motorists who are thoroughly sick of the blue badge brigade, parking in the premium spaces then dragging their lifeless limbs onto disability scooters and speeding off into the Three Spires Shopping Centre and terrorising young children and dogs.

Cllr Drinkswater (sic) claims that the blue badge the system is being abused.

‘Most of the blue badge holders aren’t even terminally ill,’ claimed the 79 year-old councillor. ‘Some drivers think that just because they lure their sick old granny out of the nursing home into a car on a Bank Holiday they can park wherever they damn well want. Well they damn well can’t.’

Dimbles stalwart, 43 year-old Bessy Banks (deceased) commented:

‘I’m sick to death of these Conservative councillors pontificating on what us poor disabled people can and can’t do. Me old mum’s been dead these past five years and all we’ve got to remember her by is what she left us in her will – her blue badge, with her dear old laminated face staring up at us from the dashboard of the fully liveried motability Mitsubishi Pajero. Makes me shed a tear it does, every day when we drive that disability car and park up outside B&M to load up on cheap dog food.’

Labour Cllr Drinkspirits responded:

‘I’m not accusing all blue badge holders of abuse, but why don’t they all just go back to Andrews House, curl up and fecking die?

‘When I’m out for an evening with m’lady at the heavily-council-tax-payer-subsidised Garrick Theatre, the last thing I want to see is a procession of cripples wheeling themselves through the Malt Bar to the easily accessible disabled toilets whilst I’m trying to enjoy a pre-show fine dining experience. If they’re not bloody careful I’ll be taking my custom elsewhere, perhaps to the new up market, no disabs-allowed venue that is Pom’s Kitchen & Deli, where I hear the menu is very similar.’

Twat
Twat

Cllr Drinkspirits’ views also drew a swift response from Conservative Cllr Natasha Pullmeoff

She said:

‘As the wife of a severely gingered husband, my family rely on the blue badge system, especially in the summer months – on hot days we’d be completely housebound if I couldn’t drive Doug into the centre of town and decant him directly into darkened recesses of The Angel.

Doug is ginger disabled
Doug is ginger disabled

‘I’d hoped that with the introduction of the blue badge all this discrimination and hatred would have been a thing of the past. But no, thanks to Cllr Drinkspirits the historic fascist stigma of the Orange Badge order is still with us today, here today in Lichfield’s ginger community.

‘And no, you can’t have a look at my tattoos.’

Cllr Pullemoff
Cllr Pullemoff

Cllr Drinksbeer has denied reports that his remarks may be a prelude to a defection to the Conservative Group, commenting:

‘There is no truth in the rumour that my offensive remarks about disabled residents signals a defection to the socially-anesthetized Conservative group. Since those drunken ramblings were spouted I have seen the rise of a saviour of the Labour Party in the form of Jeremy Corbyn, with whom I bear a striking resemblance, namely being old, unkempt and out of power for a generation.’

Michael Foot

Antiques expert finds nothing of value in Lichfield shopping centre

Posted on

crap2

BBC star and failed antiques dealer Jonty Hearnden was on hand in the Three Spires Shopping Centre, Lichfield to value various items of junk, including  plates, statues, sculptures, old maps and jewellery.

But the find of the day was an old pocket watch belonging to Linda Vixen.

The “Crap in the Attic” daytime TV celebrity said:

‘I understand it was Linda’s grandfather’s watch, and that he was alive in 1912 when, coincidentally, the Titanic sank. There’s a real interest in all things Titanic, so any tenuous link, such as surviving the sinking of the ship even though not a passenger, can really give value to what would otherwise be a worthless piece of shite.’

Mrs Vixen was advised to dig deeper into the history of the watch. She commented:

‘Jonty says it dates from 1890-1910 so it’s fascinating to think that it would have been ticking as the vessel sank and indeed it has survived two World Wars. This watch is just steeped in history and must be worth a fortune.’

Linda moved to Lichfield 20 years ago largely because of  the close links between her grandfather and the Titanic. She said:

‘When I heard that there was a statue of Captain Edward Smith in Beacon Park I just knew that I was destined to live in the City. And what a coincidence that my priceless pocket watch and the ill-fated captain should both wind up in a City with which they have no connection whatsoever.’

Other items that caught the TV expert’s eye, included one well-travelled dinner plate that had journeyed around the Sun and back at least 150 times since it was originally made in Staffordshire in the 1860’s. Jonty said:

‘It’s these sort of stories that make antiques so interesting.’