Staffordshire Police

Lichfield BID Police to throw suspects into oncoming traffic following successful Met trial

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Following Scotland Yard revelations that moped-based thieves are being deliberately rammed by police vehicles, Lichfield’s de facto police force, BID Beacon Street Runners, confirm that they are piloting plans to throw drunks into oncoming traffic outside The Brewhouse pub on Friday nights.

Police car

Steve Sargent is a volunteer badge seller in the city’s British Heart Foundation outlet during the week but at the weekend is a senior BIDBSR officer he said:

‘We have been very interested in the Met’s summary justice initiative. One of my colleagues is quite good at reading and has researched the background and success rate of the use of lethal force to combat mobile phone and handbag theft.

‘He reports that the tactic has had a big impact, especially if you can get them to bounce off the bonnet and roll under the front wheels of the squad car in front of a dashcam..

The vigilante force hopes that its new fully liveried look-alike police vehicle will be on the road early in the new year. Sergeant Sargent explained:

‘My driving test is booked for 23 January and I’m confident that I will pass, I’ve had plenty of driving experience as this will be my tenth attempt. If all goes well I expect to be driving over perps on Beacon Street well before Easter.’

Lichfield BID Chairman Paul “Mad Dog” Maddox is a former real police officer and sometime publican at Lichfield’s fine dining and drinking emporium The Scales. He often dons a police costume after kicking-out time to give moral support to the BIDBSR team.

Mad Dog

He said:

‘Typically, I spend Saturday evening getting the local low life pissed and fighty. We encourage the passing trade to come into the bar so that the lads can ply them with drink in the hope of a shag. But I tell you, if the lads aren’t knuckle deep in filth by midnight they start getting a bit feisty so, provided that they’re all spent up, we kick’em out onto the street.

‘And that’s when the trouble starts. I leave the bar, change into my BIDBSR police costume and and join my colleagues on patrol in the city streets. Not all heros have a mask and a cape, but we do all have police replica hi-viz jackets and walkie-talkies.

‘I have a talent, almost a sixth sense, for spotting drunks that have been pouring their kids child support into my tills all night. This city deserves better than this, we need to rid our streets of this scum after closing time (04:00 at weekends). Especially if they’re from Brownhills. That’s why I am supporting this new MPS vigilante initiative.

‘I swear to God, during the festive season any drunks that BIDBSR arrest will be dragged out of town and thrown under the wheels of the nearest white cab being driven by those guys from Wolverhampton.’

Lichfield Late Night Listeners will be providing sweet tea and support for any injured drunks awaiting an ambulance.

 

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Lichfield police officer to be disciplined for interacting with the public

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A Lichfield warranted police officer is facing disciplinary action after being seen walking around town on a Saturday afternoon chatting to local residents and assisting tourists. PC Paul Mycock has been with Staffordshire Police for over 20 years, he said:

‘I am stationed at the new Lichfield base on Eastern Avenue and spend most of my day investigating complaints from people who have been offended by social media posts or arranging for police vehicles to be reliveried for LGBT Pride parades.

‘Last week was a little slow as most complaints related to Boris Johnson and letterboxes, well that’s well above my pay grade.

‘It was a lovely day so I accompanied a colleague out on patrol, she had been ordered to drive around town in circles to give the impression of a strong police presence in the City. She had to alternate her hair style and wear a Michael Fabricant wig on each circuit to complete the illusion .

‘Feeling a little nostalgic I decided to take a walk around town on my old beat, catching up with locals and shopkeepers. Tourists were asking for selfies, assuming that I was part of the deluded local history group that dresses up in period costume.

‘A couple of days later I was called into the Inspector’s climate controlled office and informed that I was to be suspended for behaviour likely to bring the Force into disrepute.’

Staffordshire Police graduate entrant Inspector Bieber, 21, commented:

‘I can’t comment as this is an ongoing enquiry, but what I will say is that such behaviour, interacting directly with the public and addressing their day to day concerns is not what we are here to do and frankly makes the rest of us look bad.’

It is unclear who made the complaint but PC Mycock has his suspicions, he said

‘I have my suspicions. There are certain groups of vigilantes patrolling our streets and parks impersonating police officers.

‘As if the Speed Watch group aren’t irritating enough, we now have the self-styled Lichfield BID Officer Support (LIBIDOS) patrolling the town in para-police officer uniforms chatting to people and helping tourists.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I commend their aims but just like with Catholic priests, scout leaders and swimming coaches, you really do have to wonder about them don’t you?’’

PC Mycock is now planning to take early retirement and hopes to spend his nights with the shadowy vigilante group Lichfield Late Night Listeners.

Anyone who has been touched inappropriately by a vigilante is advised to contact the Daily Mail.

Friary School parents delighted by proposed parking restrictions on Eastern Avenue

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Staffordshire County Council proposals to set up of a ‘No Waiting At Any Time Restriction’ on Eastern Avenue between Monday-Friday outside The Friary School has been welcomed by many parents.

Lichfield mum Paulette Mycock spent hours over the Christmas period responding positively to the stealth consultation, she said:

‘This is great news, I need to be at work for 9 every morning so time is short, there’ll be no arguing now when I have to drop the little brat off at Morrisons – he’ll just have to walk the rest of the way.’

Other parents don’t think that the restrictions will have any impact on their school run, local dad Peter Parker said:

‘To be honest, when I’m dropping off the kids I slow down to about 20mph (as the sign suggests) and just push them out. No parking, no waiting. They soon got the hang of it, and the odd twisted ankle is always a good excuse to miss games.’

However young mum Brittany Singleton is in Year 12 and is not impressed, she complained:

‘I live many miles away from school in Weston Road, if uncle can’t take me up any closer than Morrisons then I’ll have to walk the rest of the way. It’s a disgrace, I already have to walk there and back from school at lunchtimes for a fag and to gob-off at the pensioners.’

Head of Friary School Matt Allman has written a letter of objection to the County Council, he said:

‘This is a safety issue. We have a large catchment area and many children live up to half a mile away, how can these morbidly obese pupils be expected to walk to school and back every day?

‘Even for the able-bodied kids, many of them will have to cross through the Dimbles area risking exposure to 19th century diseases and abuse from the self-styled mushroom sellers living on the Bromford sink housing estate. It’s shameful.’

Anyone wishing participate in the consultation can find more information Here

Police appeal for help to trace missing Lichfield District Council

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Staffordshire Police is appealing for the help of the public to trace a District Council from Lichfield.

Lichfield District Council was last seen functioning in the Lichfield area in the run up to local and parliamentary elections in May 2015. It was reported missing to Staffordshire Police after it failed to attend the annual meeting with Bromford Housing Association on February 28.

Meeting Room
Full Council meeting with Bromford Housing Association

Former Council leader Cllr. Mike Wilcox said:

‘I have been concerned about the Council’s erratic behaviour for some time, it’s not the first time that it’s gone missing. Like any loving parent I’ve ranted and raved when it’s gone AWOL but it makes no difference. I’ve tried emailing and making appeals on local and social media, but nothing.’

Equally concerned is Lichfield Chain Gang chairman Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd, he said:

‘I was only going to one civic event this year in my council tax payers’ chauffeur driven limousine, imagine my disappointment when the Council snubbed the event. It is with huge regret and a heavy heart that my one and only civic event of the year has had to be cancelled.’

Sir Kenneth Dodd
Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd: ‘Is it me?’

Cllr. Dodd added that he still hoped to raise some money for Free Spirit charity by raffling off prizes that had already been donated.

‘I’m literally flogging a dead horse,’ he exclaimed.

Investigating officer Insp Paul Mycock, based at Lichfield’s virtual reality police station, said:

‘If anyone has seen Lichfield District Council, or has any information which they think could help us to find it, I would urge them to contact us as soon as possible.

‘LDC, if you see this appeal, please get in touch to let us know that you are safe and well.’

The Local Government Boundary Commission was already considering to proposals to reduce the number of district councillors from 47 to 13 to reflect the pathetic extent of councillor engagement in representing their constituents.

FiveSpiresLive has not attempted to contact anyone for comment.

Lichfield’s Night Watch crack down on “West Midlands filth” breaching the Wall via the Cross City line.

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Staffordshire Police have responded in support of Lichfield’s self-styled Watchers on the Wall to rid the city of West Midland migrant youths pouring into Lichfield City train station and causing havoc in the town.


Lichfield’s Watchers, the provisional wing of Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS), have made a number of “citizen’s arrests” in an ongoing operation to stop the young male troublemakers flocking into Lichfield from the West Midlands conurbation.

Lichfield retained control of its borders by opting out the Shenstone Zone Agreement which permits free movement of people within the West Midlands. However over the summer there have been an increasing number of troubling incidents, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Sidney Sprite, 103, said:

‘There have been a number of incidents of violence, sexual assault and burglary in the last month all involving young males from the Birmingham area entering the City via the Cross City train line. In the evening Lichfield City station is effectively an open sewer spewing West Midlands filth out onto the streets of our City.


‘We have been working very closely and sharing intelligence with British Transport Police and West Midlands Police with the aim to resolve this issue.This includes the setting up of external Lichfield border controls in Shenstone.’

Shenstone residents are not impressed, local IT consultant Paul Mycock, 33, said:

‘I’m not impressed. Setting up border controls in Shenstone merely shifts what is essentially a Lichfield problem onto the streets of our village. Brummies have started to set up a makeshift camp in the grounds of UAV Engines. It’s like a jungle out there.’


Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant fully supports the Provo BSTARDS Shenstone solution. He said:

‘This is the perfect solution to the migrant crisis and, more importantly, Shenstone is not in my constituency. I will be taking the matter up directly with the Transport minister.’

Lichfield McDonald’s youth club forced to close if no funding found

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Lichfield McDonald’s has informed Staffordshire County Council that it will no longer be able to fulfil the County’s obligation to provide a Youth Club for local kids unless the Council provides funding and martial arts training for its staff.

Since the County Council closed all local youth centres last year the Conduit Street fast food restaurant has become the meeting venue of choice for many Lichfield teenagers.

McDonald’s Manager Bess Groscull commented:

‘The situation is getting out of hand. Now the club is closed there are hoards of youths hanging around here all night, every night. The paying customers have complained about all the shouting and swearing, I have apologised for the staff behaviour but those kids would try the patience of a saint.’

Local mum Britney Singleton, 19, said:

‘I bring my five under five-year-olds in here for a nutritious meal three or four nights a week. They get really upset by all the rowdy behaviour, especially as two or three of the lads that the manager’s bawling at could well be my kids’ dads.’     

Ms Groscull explained the company’s position:

‘Unless we can get funding from the Council for staff training and pest control we will have no alternative but to refuse admission to anyone under the age of 21. It’s so bad for business when customers regularly see police officers wielding Exclusion Orders on the premise. I simply can’t afford to lose any more staff.

‘Or, and I know that this may be controversial, the Council could always re-open the youth centre.’

 

 

 

‘Not a vandal, just the victim of a poor bricklaying course,’ claims Burntwood skatepark resident.

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Burntwood youths have been accused of vandalism after bricked up entrances to popular living accommodation beneath skate park ramps were demolished. park1

Staffordshire County Council bricked up sections beneath the ramps at the popular park off Cherry Close last month.
Local park dweller Kev Slagson, 19, commented:

‘When we were told the Council were coming to do some brickwork I thought, great, it’s about time we got some walls on these homes. So I left them to it while I went to the methadone clinic.
‘I was gob-smacked when I got back, it was totally bricked up – they’d only gone and forget to put in any bloody doors. So I’ve had to knock through, it’s not vandalism, I was just installing my own doorway. Admittedly I didn’t make a very good job of it, but I blame three years on the crap  bricklaying course at Chase Terrace Collage for that.’

Kevin found himself homeless earlier this year after his mother threw him out of the eight bedroomed Bromford Housing home in the Dimbles. Mother of five Greta Slagson said:
‘As soon as the bedroom tax started to bite I had to do something., Kev had to go for a start off, waster that he is, I’ve not even been getting child benefit for him for months. I’ve sublet his room to a travelling salesman, lovely chap, always asks politely before he climbs into my bed after a night out.’

Having been thrown out of his own home Kevin embarked on his journey to the fabled former socialist enclave of Burntwood .
‘It was an arduous journey,’ Kev recalls. ‘Battling through the harsh winter but eventually I happened upon Burntwood, the forgotten outpost beyond the Wall.’

Exhausted and destitute, Kevin was taken in by the local Youth Centre. They provided him with food and an old snooker table for a bed. Former youth worker Barrington Weaver explained:
‘Kev was in a poor way when he arrived on our doorstep. My first thought was to take him to the new Burntwood Health Centre but then I remembered that we don’t have one. So I tried to get him registered with a local GP only to discover that most doctors had already abandoned the town.’

Things went from bad to worse as Kevin was made homeless again when the Youth Centre was closed down by Staffordshire County Council in March 2015.

Kevin continued:
‘Fortunately the skate park is right next to the Youth Centre and the ramps provide excellent shelter, especially if you can get a fire going down there. Before long I’d settled in and was inviting mates round for beer and drugs parties, the music was awesome, even the local neighbours joined in, throwing shapes and shouting from their bedroom windows. The park is known as a real hot-spot now.’

Not all residents who live near the park, known locally as Dolophine Square, are so enthusiastic. One neighbour Sheila Sparrow who does not want to be identified said:

‘My life is a living hell and having these weirdos in my back garden doesn’t help. The park is attracting drug dealers and I’ve  even seen that Pastor Sandy and his sister from 7’s Nightclub wandering around with cans of hot soup, it’s a disgrace. I’d call the police but there aren’t any left in Burntwood these days.’

Publicity shy local County Councillor Sue Norman commented:
‘Youngsters need better facilities in the town. This is a reaction to the county council closing down the youth centres.

‘I’m going to start a petition.’

Mike Lawrence Cabinet Member for Children and Community Safety said
‘It is disappointing that a small group of individuals seem determined to vandalise their new homes and ruin it for all the other young people who will be destitute on the streets when we finalise the closure of Burntwood in 2016.’