Staffordshire Police

Police appeal for help to trace missing Lichfield District Council

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Staffordshire Police is appealing for the help of the public to trace a District Council from Lichfield.

Lichfield District Council was last seen functioning in the Lichfield area in the run up to local and parliamentary elections in May 2015. It was reported missing to Staffordshire Police after it failed to attend the annual meeting with Bromford Housing Association on February 28.

Meeting Room
Full Council meeting with Bromford Housing Association

Former Council leader Cllr. Mike Wilcox said:

‘I have been concerned about the Council’s erratic behaviour for some time, it’s not the first time that it’s gone missing. Like any loving parent I’ve ranted and raved when it’s gone AWOL but it makes no difference. I’ve tried emailing and making appeals on local and social media, but nothing.’

Equally concerned is Lichfield Chain Gang chairman Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd, he said:

‘I was only going to one civic event this year in my council tax payers’ chauffeur driven limousine, imagine my disappointment when the Council snubbed the event. It is with huge regret and a heavy heart that my one and only civic event of the year has had to be cancelled.’

Sir Kenneth Dodd
Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd: ‘Is it me?’

Cllr. Dodd added that he still hoped to raise some money for Free Spirit charity by raffling off prizes that had already been donated.

‘I’m literally flogging a dead horse,’ he exclaimed.

Investigating officer Insp Paul Mycock, based at Lichfield’s virtual reality police station, said:

‘If anyone has seen Lichfield District Council, or has any information which they think could help us to find it, I would urge them to contact us as soon as possible.

‘LDC, if you see this appeal, please get in touch to let us know that you are safe and well.’

The Local Government Boundary Commission was already considering to proposals to reduce the number of district councillors from 47 to 13 to reflect the pathetic extent of councillor engagement in representing their constituents.

FiveSpiresLive has not attempted to contact anyone for comment.

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Lichfield’s Night Watch crack down on “West Midlands filth” breaching the Wall via the Cross City line.

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Staffordshire Police have responded in support of Lichfield’s self-styled Watchers on the Wall to rid the city of West Midland migrant youths pouring into Lichfield City train station and causing havoc in the town.


Lichfield’s Watchers, the provisional wing of Beacon Street Area Residents Association (BSTARDS), have made a number of “citizen’s arrests” in an ongoing operation to stop the young male troublemakers flocking into Lichfield from the West Midlands conurbation.

Lichfield retained control of its borders by opting out the Shenstone Zone Agreement which permits free movement of people within the West Midlands. However over the summer there have been an increasing number of troubling incidents, Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, Sidney Sprite, 103, said:

‘There have been a number of incidents of violence, sexual assault and burglary in the last month all involving young males from the Birmingham area entering the City via the Cross City train line. In the evening Lichfield City station is effectively an open sewer spewing West Midlands filth out onto the streets of our City.


‘We have been working very closely and sharing intelligence with British Transport Police and West Midlands Police with the aim to resolve this issue.This includes the setting up of external Lichfield border controls in Shenstone.’

Shenstone residents are not impressed, local IT consultant Paul Mycock, 33, said:

‘I’m not impressed. Setting up border controls in Shenstone merely shifts what is essentially a Lichfield problem onto the streets of our village. Brummies have started to set up a makeshift camp in the grounds of UAV Engines. It’s like a jungle out there.’


Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant fully supports the Provo BSTARDS Shenstone solution. He said:

‘This is the perfect solution to the migrant crisis and, more importantly, Shenstone is not in my constituency. I will be taking the matter up directly with the Transport minister.’

Lichfield McDonald’s youth club forced to close if no funding found

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Lichfield McDonald’s has informed Staffordshire County Council that it will no longer be able to fulfil the County’s obligation to provide a Youth Club for local kids unless the Council provides funding and martial arts training for its staff.

Since the County Council closed all local youth centres last year the Conduit Street fast food restaurant has become the meeting venue of choice for many Lichfield teenagers.

McDonald’s Manager Bess Groscull commented:

‘The situation is getting out of hand. Now the club is closed there are hoards of youths hanging around here all night, every night. The paying customers have complained about all the shouting and swearing, I have apologised for the staff behaviour but those kids would try the patience of a saint.’

Local mum Britney Singleton, 19, said:

‘I bring my five under five-year-olds in here for a nutritious meal three or four nights a week. They get really upset by all the rowdy behaviour, especially as two or three of the lads that the manager’s bawling at could well be my kids’ dads.’     

Ms Groscull explained the company’s position:

‘Unless we can get funding from the Council for staff training and pest control we will have no alternative but to refuse admission to anyone under the age of 21. It’s so bad for business when customers regularly see police officers wielding Exclusion Orders on the premise. I simply can’t afford to lose any more staff.

‘Or, and I know that this may be controversial, the Council could always re-open the youth centre.’

 

 

 

‘Not a vandal, just the victim of a poor bricklaying course,’ claims Burntwood skatepark resident.

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Burntwood youths have been accused of vandalism after bricked up entrances to popular living accommodation beneath skate park ramps were demolished. park1

Staffordshire County Council bricked up sections beneath the ramps at the popular park off Cherry Close last month.
Local park dweller Kev Slagson, 19, commented:

‘When we were told the Council were coming to do some brickwork I thought, great, it’s about time we got some walls on these homes. So I left them to it while I went to the methadone clinic.
‘I was gob-smacked when I got back, it was totally bricked up – they’d only gone and forget to put in any bloody doors. So I’ve had to knock through, it’s not vandalism, I was just installing my own doorway. Admittedly I didn’t make a very good job of it, but I blame three years on the crap  bricklaying course at Chase Terrace Collage for that.’

Kevin found himself homeless earlier this year after his mother threw him out of the eight bedroomed Bromford Housing home in the Dimbles. Mother of five Greta Slagson said:
‘As soon as the bedroom tax started to bite I had to do something., Kev had to go for a start off, waster that he is, I’ve not even been getting child benefit for him for months. I’ve sublet his room to a travelling salesman, lovely chap, always asks politely before he climbs into my bed after a night out.’

Having been thrown out of his own home Kevin embarked on his journey to the fabled former socialist enclave of Burntwood .
‘It was an arduous journey,’ Kev recalls. ‘Battling through the harsh winter but eventually I happened upon Burntwood, the forgotten outpost beyond the Wall.’

Exhausted and destitute, Kevin was taken in by the local Youth Centre. They provided him with food and an old snooker table for a bed. Former youth worker Barrington Weaver explained:
‘Kev was in a poor way when he arrived on our doorstep. My first thought was to take him to the new Burntwood Health Centre but then I remembered that we don’t have one. So I tried to get him registered with a local GP only to discover that most doctors had already abandoned the town.’

Things went from bad to worse as Kevin was made homeless again when the Youth Centre was closed down by Staffordshire County Council in March 2015.

Kevin continued:
‘Fortunately the skate park is right next to the Youth Centre and the ramps provide excellent shelter, especially if you can get a fire going down there. Before long I’d settled in and was inviting mates round for beer and drugs parties, the music was awesome, even the local neighbours joined in, throwing shapes and shouting from their bedroom windows. The park is known as a real hot-spot now.’

Not all residents who live near the park, known locally as Dolophine Square, are so enthusiastic. One neighbour Sheila Sparrow who does not want to be identified said:

‘My life is a living hell and having these weirdos in my back garden doesn’t help. The park is attracting drug dealers and I’ve  even seen that Pastor Sandy and his sister from 7’s Nightclub wandering around with cans of hot soup, it’s a disgrace. I’d call the police but there aren’t any left in Burntwood these days.’

Publicity shy local County Councillor Sue Norman commented:
‘Youngsters need better facilities in the town. This is a reaction to the county council closing down the youth centres.

‘I’m going to start a petition.’

Mike Lawrence Cabinet Member for Children and Community Safety said
‘It is disappointing that a small group of individuals seem determined to vandalise their new homes and ruin it for all the other young people who will be destitute on the streets when we finalise the closure of Burntwood in 2016.’



Lichfield City FC fail to win in what proved to be a scintillating opening match of the new season

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Fourteen players and only one can score
Fourteen players and only one can score

With the long-awaited start of the 2015/16 football season, our award-winning  soccer correspondent Ross Hamstring reports:

Lichfield City FC drew 2-2 against Atherstone on Saturday.

Gary Birch’s men started well with Ricardo Richards kicking the ball, missing the goal and straining his groin.

Odane Barnes replaced him, kicked the ball and also missed the goal.

Lichfield’s Tony Clarke kicked the ball and also missed the goal.  

Barnes kicked the ball into the net. Goal.

Atherstone’s Ryan Ball kicked the ball in the opposite direction and scored.

That was the end of a thrilling first half.

Following the break Barnes kicked the ball in the opposite direction and into the net. Another goal.

One of Lichfield’s players tried to catch the ball to keep it out of the goal. He is not the goalie, so penalty.

Atherstone’s Simeon Smith kicked the ball into the goal. Goal.

Lichfield’s Clarke kicked the ball and missed.

Barnes kicked the ball and missed again.

That was the end of the match.

Lichfield return to action tomorrow (August 11) with a home game against Heather St Johns. Kick-off is at 7.45pm if anyone is remotely interested.

Burntwood nightclub No.7’s owners warned of deal with Beacon Church by Derek Acorah’s spirit guide

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Burntwood’s No.7’s Nightclub closed in May after providing a convenient venue for drunken fornication for almost 20 years. Mr Mansell, 78, who has owned the premises for over 40 years, joined forces with co-owner of the business Jennifer Heath, 65, over a couple of bottles of Prosecco in 1987.

Burntwood nightclub
Burntwood nightclub

Trevor said:

‘A 4am licence was granted in the late 1990s for the bar to become a late night venue and Burntwood’s own nightclub was launched. But I’m not getting any younger and I’d recently heard that Burntwood is being closed down in 2016 so we had to make a decision about the future of the business.

‘On Good Friday we opened as usual and the place was packed with family members all looking for easy jobs and free booze. By midnight the drink was flowing down the kid’s necks and the grandson was DJ’ing, cranking up the sound system with a bit of ELO and I turned to Jenny and said “Where did we go wrong?” ‘

Failing to get the Mr Blue Sky reference, Jenny continued:

‘Earlier that day I’d booked tickets to see the truly gifted and genuine psychic Derek Acorah at The Garrick next month. With each internet booking Derek arranges for you to be sent a text message direct from the spirit world. Well, Trevor was dribbling down my cleavage in his ‘70’s reverie when I got this text on my iPhone. Derek’s spirit guide said “Watch out for the pasta.”

Charlatan
Charlatan

‘Well I was absolutely gobsmacked, I’m actually gluten intolerant as you can probably smell. But when I looked up I saw a dark figure approaching us across the dance floor through the dry-ice mist and photo-epileptic strobe lighting.’

Wearing a stetson and cowboy boots the stranger introduced himself to the couple. Trevor recalls:

‘He said “Hi folks, my name is Pastor Sandy of the Beacon Community Church and I’m here to save you.” He sat down at our table and talked to us in his dulcet Scottish tones for the rest of the evening. For the life of me I can’t remember a single word he said, but by the end of the night the club closed and I found myself signing an agreement gifting the Club to the Church.’

Pastor Sandy McMeekin’s mission is to reach out to the community of Burntwood, raise up the community of Burntwood and send out the community of Burntwood to go and live in Brownhills. He explained:

‘Burntwood is dying, it’s vital organs, if you like, are closing down, it’s life-blood is thickening in the town’s arteries. End of Days was foretold in the Bible that I wrote with my sister, sorry, my wife Liz at our kitchen table five years ago. End of Days would be signalled by the triumphant return to the Walled City of the Clown Fabricuntio before the pagan festival of Bower.’

Pastor Sandy and Liz
Pastor Sandy and Liz

According to Pastor Sandy the signs of accelerated descent are all around, citing as examples the recently announced plans to close Chasetown police station and withdraw officers to the safety of new premises that will be built unchallenged in Lichfield’s Green belt; the leaked plans to sell off and close Chasewater and, most symbolically for the young people, the future, of the town, the closure of No.7’s nightclub

The reverend Pastor explained:

‘No.7, so called because of the average number of revellers that it attracted on a Friday and Saturday night, has been dying alongside with the town. These are dark days, I have answered God’s call, me and my sister, sorry my wife Liz together with our Beacon disciples will guide the lost and dislocated into the light.’

The Church has now received planning consent from Lichfield District Council to convert the former nightclub for its own purposes.

Take Me To Church
Take Me To Church

Trevor has no regrets, being a canny business man all his life he added:

‘I may have signed his agreement under the influence of the Pastor’s obvious charisma but what he doesn’t realise is that I transferred the property to my company T.J.M & D. (Burntwood) Limited in February. He’ll have a shock when he puts in for planning to build apartments here next year. Haha.’

Anyone who wants to find out more about the teachings of Pastor Sandy and the Beacon Church will discover very little by visiting their website at http://www.beacon-church.com/pages/

Staffordshire PCC Matthew Ellis admitted to Samuel Johnson Hospital with RSI of the finger

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Staffordshire’s Police and Crime Commissioner @MatthewEllis was today recovering at home after being admitted to the Samuel Johnson Community Hospital (@SJCH) with suspected repetitive strain injury (@rsi) to his right index finger.

The 19-year old Police Commissioner admitted:

‘Since being elected I may have become a little obsessed with Twitter, tweeting the most inane rubbish and then repeating it all over again in my “Weekly Twitter Roundup” at the end of each week. This has resulted in a serious strain to my typing finger.’

Mr Ellis has warned fellow serial tweeters @StaffsPolice, @LichfieldPolice, @BurntwoodPolice, @CannockPolice, @StonePolice, @EStaffsPolice,@ACC Blazbey of the dangers, he said:

‘I spnt a day of xmas @ SJCH aftr 2mch finger action pls b carfl’

Other casualties of twitter are also being reported, traffic cop Sgt Mick Stallone of C-unit based in Lichfield commented:

‘ There’s been  a lot of pressure on the lads this festive season, not only have we had to do a full shifts work every day for a month during the Drink Drive campaign, we’ve also had to follow PCC Ellis’ lead and now seem to spend more time on twitter than on the beat. I’m expecting many officers to be on sick leave in the New Year as Mr Ellis has highlighted the dangers and RSI does provide a credible alternative to the traditional bad back.’

Mr Ellis, a self-made politician, has urged all local police officers to limit the use of social media to emergencies only:

‘Many of my voters, sorry members of the public,have contacted me to say that they do not want constant updates on the contents of PC Smith’s lunch box.’

Some though are concerned that Mr Ellis is over reacting, widow Mrs Anne Jones of 23 Field Lane Stonnall, who did not wish to be identified, commented:

‘ I actually find it very reassuring to receive 200 tweets a day from the local police, it certainly makes me feel more secure in my home even though a real policeman has not been seen around here for over five years.’

Hospitals are bracing themselves for an influx of officers with RSI related conditions following the festive season.  SJCH Consultant Ravi Singh explained :

‘The local police have been extremely busy over the festive period, typing their tweets and updating their facebook statuses which, when compounded by doing a full day’s work,may result in many serious injuries to the index finger. We have had to implement the hospital disaster preparedness plan to cope with the casualties.’

Commissioner Ellis continued:

‘This has certainly been a wake up call for me, my doctor explained , in no uncertain terms,that if I continue this way of life there is a serious risk that I could contract a condition that could end my political career, it’s known as Fabricuntitis.’