#stafford

Lichfield councillor Joseph Powell to challenge city MP for buffoonery title

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Lichfield District Cllr Joseph Powell, who represents Little Aston and Stonnall has launched his campaign to become Conservative Party parliamentary candidate for the 2020 election.

Cllr Powell commented:

‘I have long admired the hilarious antics of our upright Member, Fabricuntio the Clown MP, but he will be over 70 years of age by the next election so I expect that he will be looking to hand over the title of Lichfield “Buffoon-in-Chief” to a worthy successor. I nominate myself for that important civic role and I’m delighted to report that many locals will wholeheartedly endorse the nomination.’

Joey Powell
Joey Powell

Since the local elections in May 2015 the previously anonymous Cllr Powell has begun to garner publicity for his ever more eccentric world views. His intervention in a debate on Council spending, broadcast live on Twitter by international news agency LichfieldLives, cast doubts on the politician’s sanity.

Justifying the £16,000 per year spend on the Chairman’s luxury chauffeur-driven Jaguar XF Cllr Powell explained:

‘It’s important that we make it clear that the car isn’t used for just having drinks and nice meals.

We use it for lots of very useful meetings with homosexuals. Castle Ring is lovely at this time of year don’t you think?’

Clownage is more evolution than revolution admits Cllr Powell:

‘After that Council meeting we retired to The Malt Bar, Lichfield’s premier disabled toilet venue. Council Leader Mike Wilcox was not chuckling that night, claiming that there was definitely something funny about me, but I challenged him:

‘You mean, let me understand this … cuz I … maybe it’s me, maybe I’m a little fcuked up maybe. I’m funny how? I mean funny, like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? Whattya you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

‘And then it suddenly dawned on me, there’s a precedent right here in the local Conservative party for clowns. Surely Michael Fabricant can’t go on forever, especially if he continues sunbathing. That could be me, I could be the next Clown of Lichfield.’

Cllr Powell’s ascension to clowndom has continued this week but, as with all clowns, there is something of the night about him.

Paying an uncomfortable amount of attention to newly elected young councillors. Joey jested:

‘The future of the Conservative Party in Lichfield and Burntwood is in excellent hands – mine.

‘The election of handsome young-gun Ben Rayner and those two lovely ginger girls is a real breath of fresh air,’ enthused the halitosisly challenged councillor.

‘There is a picture gallery going to back to 1898 at the council and the first three or four photos shows a group of male politicians with a solitary lady. Now that’s what I call a party. Is that Dolphin Square in the background?’

Labour opposition group leader Sue Norman has called on Cllr Powell to desist from making any further comments likely to bring the Council into disrepute.

‘If he doesn’t shut up I’ll start a petition,’ Cllr Norman threatened.

‘Well, with just four elected representatives,’ Cllr Powell retorted hilariously, ‘it means that I don’t need to listen to a single word that the Labour Party has to say.’

MP's answer to cuts in child benefits
MP’s answer to cuts in child benefits

Michael Fabricant is currently enjoying a three month summer holiday, starting off with a visit to the US to attend the annual convention of Clowns International. He said:

‘If Powell stands I will have no alternative but to step aside. Joey is a genuine buffoon, I wouldn’t stand a chance.’

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Government minister praises fire union for demonstrating its capacity for job cuts

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Fire chief
Fire chief

WESTMINSTER fire minister Penny Mordaunt praised the Fire Brigades Union today for demonstrating the capacity for further job cuts within the Fire and Rescue Service.

Visiting Lichfield today Ms Mordaunt said:

‘Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service confirmed that they attended just nine incidents during the 24-hour Fire Brigades Union strike, which ended at 7am this morning. There were no incidents of note during the strike. The figures compare to 16 in 2014, 38 in 2013 and 39 in 2012. This clearly shows that by reducing the number of firefighters we are improving public safety.’

Chief Fire Officer Peter Dartford said:

‘Once again we have seen the Fire Brigades Union’s policy of strike action go up in smoke.

‘But I would like to thank local residents and motorists for not setting themselves alight nor deliberately crashing their vehicles when the strike was taking place.’

Local fire crew leader and self-employed plumber Scott Tracy commented:

‘It’s a challenging time for the lads. Job cuts will have a disastrous effect on our businesses and the public will notice a dramatic reduction in fire engine “drive-rounds” that we do in the summer months eyeing up the local talent.’

Scott Tracy

The FBU does however have plenty of support locally. Britney Singleton,19 year-old mother of five under fives from Burntwood said:

‘I’m absolutely gobsmacked, you don’t expect something like this to happen round here. I’ll definitely be supporting the “Tits Out for the Tenders” campaign. And I’ll sign another petition, provided it’s online mind.’

This was the 14th round of strike action to result in dramatic improvements in public safety since the dispute between the FBU and the Government began in September 2013. Minister Penny Mordaunt added:

‘The FBU action has proven to be so successful that when the demolition of the Lichfield Fire Station has been completed I will be recommending that the site be incorporated into the new Friarsgate shopping centre development that I understand is due to start any day now.’

Burntwood to be closed down completely by 2016

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Former Dr Who characters Councillors Mrs S Sontaran and Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart show names and addresses of local agitators
Former Dr Who characters Councillors Mrs S Sontaran and Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart show names and addresses of local agitators

Following failed plans for a new health centre, the proposed closure of Children’s Centres and GP surgeries and the demise of Go Bananas, shocked Burntwood residents have now been informed that the town itself could be closed by 2016.

The proposal is being put out to consultation as part of Lichfield District Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Future) in a joint cost-cutting initiative with Staffordshire County Council.

Lichfield District Council acting leader Mike Wilcox (Con) chuckled:

Mike Wilcox
Mike Wilcox

‘This proposal works on so many levels. Rather than shutting the place down piecemeal as we’ve been doing to date, it makes much more sense to ditch it all at once.  Not only will it save the good council taxpayers of Lichfield the cost of maintaining what few services do remain in the wild west, but all those Labour councillors will disappear at the same time. This will provide a welcome shift in the balance of power on the Council in 2016 after we lose control in six weeks time.’

Burntwood Councillor and celebrity granny Sue Norman commented:

‘After the consultation process has closed and the representations of the three local residents who will bother to complain have been ignored, I will fight for the survival of this community. Yes, I’ll start another petition.’

Local mum of five under five year-olds Britney Singleton,19,  said:

‘I’m absolutely gobsmacked, you don’t expect this sort of thing to happen round here. I thought the closure of the Children’s Centres was bad enough, cheeky bastards expecting me to bring up my own kids and teach ‘em to read and stuff. Forget it, I’m definitely going to sign Granny Sue’s petition – provided it’s online mind.’

Labour group leader and local butcher Steve Woodward is furious:

‘I’m furious, I say furious. Mrs Norman tells me that she won’t take it lying down, I think she meant the town closure, although we were on the way to a late-night caravaners meet on Cannock Chase at the time.

‘But what’s, I say what’s our local Member doing about this I demand to know. I’m going to sign another petition and not only that, I will be making a further Freedom of Information request to establish the Fabricunt’s whereabouts.’

Chair of Lichfield Conservatives and regular God-botherer Jonathan Hall said:

‘Lord Fabricunt is enjoying a period of self-imposed exile in his North Wales Castle, keeping his mouth shut pending his triumphant return to the City for his coronation in May.

‘He sends his best wishes and hopes that his loyal subjects in Burntwood will soon settle down in their new homes in Brownhills. Amen.’

Labour Parliamentary candidate Chris Whoishey was unavailable for comment due to campaigning commitments in Yardley.

Anyone who would like to sign a Burntwood petition can find them all at www.change.org