The future of men-only clubs has been called into question following events at the scandal-hit Presidents Club charity evening in London last week.
Revelations that 130 well-paid adult women voluntarily subjected themselves to the drunken, sexually repressed antics of sildenafil-stoked obese rich men at the charity event has called into question the future of men-only clubs like Lichfield Round Table.
Round Table is a Club exclusively for men under the age of 45 who don’t know enough senior police officers to be invited to join the Masons. The Lichfield club meets twice a month to discuss clay pigeon shooting, according to its recruitment literature.
But not everyone is convinced by this facade. Former wife of a Tabler, 28-year-old Myfanwy Hertz is a self-employed business consultant, she explained:
‘I’m self-employed because I’m a successful independent woman who no-one else is prepared to employ.
‘I recommend self-employment to all those young women who will be losing their well paid jobs to satisfy my feminist fundamentalism.’
She believes that the days of men-only clubs are numbered, she said:
‘These enclaves of misogyny and sexism have had their day, it’s no longer acceptable in our free, liberal society for groups of like-minded guys to get together over a pint, claiming to discuss clay pigeon shooting and the most effective way to commit suicide.
‘Does anyone genuinely believe that? No, all they do is get drunk and moan about their wives and girlfriends and snigger about what they would like to do with the barmaid, given half an erection. I find it offensive and Round Table should be closed down.
‘And that bitch behind the bar at the Bowling Green can do one as well.’
Talking to BBC Radio 5Live’s Saturday Breakfast, diminutive local travel agent Richard “Dick” Holland,14, defended the traditions of the men-only Round Table movement, he said:
‘Round Table is a Club for young men under the age of 45, we meet up a couple of times a month to talk about clay pigeon shooting and practice techniques for talking fellow club members down from the roof.
‘It’s all about having a chat and a laugh and relaxing in male company away from the pressures of making the evening meal and putting the kids to bed
‘But it’s not all about us, we have a sister organisation for the girls, called ‘The Ladies Ring’, which is focussed on monthly get togethers to dress in pink and discuss knitting and baking. Nothing sexist about that I think you’ll agree.’
Mx Hertz listened in to the broadcast in the hair salon where she was preparing for a Ladies Night out at Lichfield’s new Cougar Club, she said:
‘Well I’m delighted, Dick makes the Round Table sound so dull I think it’ll die of natural causes without my help.
‘I like mine black with a big one’, she laughed, shouting her coffee order across the salon.
Anyone who would like to hear Richard Holland fall from his high chair during the interview can catch it here for a limited time
From 43 minutes
Distraught children and parents from the Lichfield area have joined a mounting campaign to “Free Santa”. Campaigners claim that Santa Claus has been kidnapped and is being held hostage by a dissident band of ultra-conservative egos, the self-styled District 250.
Formerly a branch of Round Table of Great Britain and Ireland, a social organisation for middle-aged men with an interest in go-karting and archery, District 250 has, according to concerned local mum Maureen Roberts, gone rogue.
Mother of two, Maureen said:
‘I became suspicious that something was amiss last week at the Lichfield Christmas Lights switch-on. Santa wasn’t driven around the Market Square like he usually is, instead he seemed to be tethered-up outside the George IV pub. When he did appear his beard covered his whole face, it could’ve been anyone!’
Rumours have been spreading throughout the City for some time that Santa had been captured. Publican Paul Pardoe of The Whippet Inn Micropub in Tamworth Street said:
‘The fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero had been abandoned outside my pub for months. Fortunately the pub windows become so misted up with fat boozers’ heavy-breathing and farting that you couldn’t see the car unless you popped out to piss up its tyres. But a few weeks ago Old Bob Brown nipped out to sick-up his pork pie and ale and swore that he could hear a knocking coming from the car’s boot. I ignored the old drunk at the time but now I’m beginning to wonder.’
The “Free Santa” campaign was boosted today when FSL was contacted by a man claiming to be a member of District 250. Nick, not his real name, doesn’t wish to be identified but said:
‘I joined Lichfield Round Table a couple of years ago because I didn’t have a girlfriend but do have a passion for go-karting and archery. But things have now got out of hand. Last Christmas Santa said he wouldn’t be doing the driving-around-the-streets thing again this year, the parents were going to extreme lengths to avoid his visits and, in the wake of the Jimmy Savile scandal, young kids were more likely to phone Childline than sit on his lap.’
‘Santa also said that it was a little incongruous that he, being Santa, the giver-of-gifts, was being driven around the streets begging for cash from the unemployed self-employed.’
Nick says that it was at this point that District 250 realised the serious threat to it’s income stream. Santa was kidnapped, thrown into the boot of the fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero and parked up at various locations around the City for the rest of the year.
The nightly Christmas Santa tour is now well underway, with the discretely shackled Santa visiting different areas of the City every evening. Nick continued:
‘After 12 months Santa was beginning to exhibit signs of Stockholm Syndrome, he seemed to be actively assisting with the money making plans, he created a website http://www.lichfieldsanta.co.uk even suggesting routes for the tour to take each evening. Now the website has a tracker which show’s Santa’s progress. Ostensibly this is a useful tool, parents can now time precisely when to switch off all the house lights or drive to Tesco. But if you look a little more closely at the tracker map it tells a different story.’
Earlier today District 250 issued a statement:
‘We can confirm that Santa is helping us with our fundraising efforts again this Christmas. We’re expecting to have a very expensive year, what with the credit card bill for the New York trip to pay and plans to visit Belgium, Italy and India next year. Please do all give very generously when we visit your house. If we do not exceed last years target by 24 December then Christmas will be cancelled.’
Maureen has asked children and parents throughout the City to join the protest. She told us:
‘To ensure Santa’s safety we are asking everyone to give generously but please also to take part in a silent protest, holding up “Free Santa” placards as they parade Santa through your streets.’
For more information visit www.lichfieldsanta.co.uk
HOLIDAY in Portugal and Cornwall this summer a long lost memory?
Wondering what’s been happening in the Cathedral City whilst you’ve been away?
Hanging onto the tail-end of summer before the glorious finale of ‘Jerusalem’ and the fireworks of Saturday’s Proms in the Park?
Dreading the inevitable mirthless descent towards Christless?
Well don’t worry, we’ve been keeping an eye on things from a suitably tropical distance whilst you’ve had better things to do.
And here’s some of the best bits:
Lichfield District Council in cash-grab from council taxpayers’ bank accounts
LICHFIELD District Council raided local council taxpayers bank accounts on 13 August.
The unscheduled Council Tax direct debit payment at the height of the summer holiday season came as an unexpected knockout blow for many cash-strapped locals. A council spokesman said at the time:
‘Never mind, payment by direct debit remains the most simple, convenient and safe way for us to steal your money.
‘We would like to thank you for continuing to pay by this method and thereby avoiding that knock on the door by our over-enthusiastic bailiffs. Please enjoy what’s left of your miserable holiday, sorry the kids can’t eat this week.’
If you would like to discuss any of the points raised, please contact the Council Tax Billing Team on 01543 308882/3/4 who will be unable to help you with your account.
Unemployed Londoners occupy the roof of a Shenstone factory in random show of support of Palestinians
MEMBERS of the London Palestine Action Group occupied a camp on top of the UAV Engines factory in Shenstone.
The group claimed that the Israeli owned company makes engines for Israeli drones.
The company spokesman said:
‘We have owned this land since we stole it from the Lammas Land Trust in 1948 as compensation for the atrocities committed against weapons manufacturers throughout our history. The unlawful occupation of the factory roof by these lowlife gentiles threaten the security of the region, their porridge eating and first floor defecating is a cause of great concern to the local commuters who congregate in The Plough each evening to pass judgement on the ‘lowers’ of the village.’
The siege was eventually ended as a police drone helicopter approached menacingly out of the early evening sun from within the Wall. Powered by a UAV engine the drone videoed the removal of the protesters from the roof by officers on the ground.
Tempted down by a promise of hot pork baguettes and bottles of merlot, ‘Palestinian’ leader Pete ‘Swampy’ Smith commented:
‘By allowing this factory to export drone components to Israel, the UK Government is providing direct support and approval to Israel’s massacres.
‘We demand the permanent closure of the factory and an end to all forms of military trade and co-operation with Israel.
‘But alternatively,if you could just pay for our train fares back to Brighton we’ll be off.’
Outside the factory supporters of the protest massed in their 10’s.
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:
‘By a quirk of boundaries Shenstone is not within my constituency, just like Burntwood. But had it have been I would have commented:
‘It is an outrage that the factory roof has been occupied and is a threat to the rest of the premises. I wholeheartedly support the Company should it choose to annihilate those concerned. There will of course be collateral damage to the roof but his can be repaired over the next 20 years by you, the taxpayers, with aid funded by humanitarian appeals on TV for just £3 a month.’
Councillor cleans up local wildlife park
CELEBRITY granny, Councillor Sue Woodward spent her summer holiday litter picking in the former Redwood Park.
Following questions from locals asking if the Park had been designated as the new Burntwood Tip Councillor Woodward commented:
‘No, Redwood Park is not the new tip. We have spent the past few weeks collecting old fag packets, crisp wrappers, chip papers, condoms and the like from the hedgerows. Dog shit has been a significant problem but with the help of JCB from the People’s Republic of Uttoxeter this has also been removed.’
Looking to the future, newly appointed Burntwood Town Council enforcer Steve Lightfoot commented:
‘We are confident that the park will be designated, not as a tip, but as a Wildlife Park, being home, as it is, for all sorts of local wildlife who may find living in a traditional housing a little too challenging.’
Burntwood MP Michael Fabricant gets a bloody nose
FORMER member for Burntwood, Michael Fabricant spent the summer Parliamentary recess addressing the pressing concerns of his constituents.
Whilst the lack of a Burntwood Health Centre debacle continued, Mr Fabricant lobbied against the unusual issue of discrimination against gay men in their right to donate blood.
In an article in the Guardian Mr Fabricant said:
‘It’s so unfair, if a promiscuous heterosexual man having unsafe sex is allowed to donate blood why shouldn’t the rules be applied equally to a promiscuous gay man having unsafe sex.’
Local gay Guy D Hiscock commented:
‘To be frank, if you ask me there are far more important discrimination issues that need tackling than equality in blood donation. But on the other hand, the prospect of feeling a quick prick followed by ten minutes of a rhythmic throbbing is quite appealing now you mention it.’
When not campaigning for the right to donate bodily fluids indiscriminately, the honourable member was upping his campaign for the blood of the cuckolded midget Speaker Bercow.
Alas another campaign of no interest or significance to his loyal Burntwood constituents.
‘A’ Level results day ‘just an excuse to perv over teenage girls’
A GROUP of unattractive, unqualified and underemployed Lichfield ladies complained about the media coverage of our local schools’ ‘A’ level results.
Vicky Pearce of Lichfield Ladies Circle said:
‘We all pretend to be friends and entertain ourselves with baking and knitting whilst our ‘men’ are out having fantastic archery and real ale evenings and driving round in their fully-liveried Mitsubishi Priapic RotundTable car.
‘But then every summer, to add insult to injury, we have to put up with pages of filth in the Lichfield Mercury and that on-line rag ‘Lichfield Died’ following on from ‘A’ Level results day.
‘Page after page of young fit attractive flat-stomached girls jumping in the air, vibrant and full of life, it’s an absolute disgrace.’
Lichfield Died’s football correspondent, former celebrity skateboarder Ross Hawkes defended the coverage:
‘Every year we get sent dozens of photographs on results day by our local schools. We just choose to publish the ones where the kids seem to be having the most fun, just so long as it’s a group of flat-stomached well-endowed hotties. Frankly I’m not bothered what grades they’ve got, as far as I’m concerned everyone’s a winner!
‘The rest I leave for my mate Phil.’
Staffordshire Police become online lingerie salesmen
DESIGNER clothes bought by ball-achingly beautiful Lichfield mom Michaela Hutchings were put up for auction on e-Bay by Staffordshire Police.
Ms Hutchings had been innocently sent an unsolicited gift of £50,000 by the financially incompetent Lichfield District Council and then promptly convicted of dishonesty.
Kayla said :
‘Without prejudice, my understanding of the legal position is that under the provisions of the Unsolicited Goods and Services Act 1971 (as amended), any received monies can be retained as an unconditional gift. As the receiver, so to speak, I had no obligation to return the gift… sorted.’
Mickey spent a modest £7,000 of the LDC’s generosity buying luxury goods by Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Ralph Lauren and Dior, amongst other brands. She generously gave £1,000 to her mum before wisely investing £40,000 for the future in a savings account.
The designer clothes were seized and put up for sale on-line by Staffordshire Police in a bid to recoup some of the £51,006.55 confiscation order.
‘There really was no need for a confiscation order, as soon as I realised the mistake I agreed to give the money back, but it was tied up in a tax-free ISA with interest penalties for early withdrawal. And that’s not something I’m keen on – early withdrawal, so to speak, to be honest.’
Staffordshire PCC Matthew Ellis said :
‘All of these items were genuine, purchased at full retail price in High Street stores and were seized the day after purchase and I for one am delighted to have been the successful bidder for a nearly-new pair of Paramour panties.’
Labour Parliamentary Candidate gets married
LABOUR Parliamentary Candidate Chris Whoishey got married and went on honeymoon, somewhere.
‘Thanks for asking anyway. Maybe see you again in 2020?’
Burntwood residents will get a rare opportunity to meet their local MP at a specially arranged ‘An Evening with Michael Fabricant’ at the Lichfield Garrick on Friday 27 June at 8.00pm.
Stung into action by the remarks of Labour Group leader ‘Butcher of Burntwood’ Councillor Norman Stephen and celebrity granny Councillor Sue Woodwind, Mr Fabricant has organised a gala surgery for the disenfranchised from beyond the Wall.
The MP commented:
‘Traditional MP’s surgeries deal with the moans and the groans of the frankly rather tedious, ‘Fix My Street’ types who have nothing better to fill their dreary lives with than complaining about the Austerity Project and dog shit.
‘This week at the Garrick my constituents get the fabulous chance to listen to me talk for over 90 minutes about my radical campaigning for self-promotion. Much more entertaining I’m sure you’ll all agree.’
The throbbing member will charge £8.50 per ticket to attend this prestigious event. Mr Fabricant continued:
‘I have no liking for local surgeries of any kind, as everyone with health issues in Burntwood will testify. But charging £8.50 for a ticket will ensure that only the truly deluded will attend.
‘If successful I’ll propose this as a template for appointments to see your local GP, if you can find one. It’ll discourage the time-wasters and of course, the poor and sick.’
Originally aimed at his sycophantic twitterers, the local member will choose the records he would take on a desert island in a show based on Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs
Mr Fabricant is expected to enter stage left to “Rocky’s Theme” and his fans will be disappointed if the Stephen Sondheim classic, “Send in the Clowns” doesn’t feature.
Somewhere in the show the select audience can expect to hear “Talk to the Animals”,an old Rex Harrison number, with a special guest appearance by the ‘Cougar and Dark’s Circus’ Push Me Pull You. The two-faced creature is credited with inspiring Mr Fabricant’s political stance on most local issues and his unnatural interest in llamas.
Playing Kirsty Young (presenter of BBC Radio 4’s ‘Desert Island Discs’) will be local Conservative Party chairman Jonathan Hall:
‘I’ve enjoyed playing Kirsty Young for many years, my wife is very supportive provided that I don’t go to church dressed like that.’
‘At the end of the show, Michael will take questions. If they are on any serious topics to which he takes exception there could be hilarious consequences,’ joked Mr Hall.
‘Expect a brain haemorrhage or a thump in the throat at the very least,’ he quipped.
Mr Fabricant promised:
‘The evening should be a lot of fun and for each mug that buys a £8.50 ticket I promise to donate absolutely nothing to a local charity. It’ll sell out fast,” said the MP, desperately trying to fill the remaining third of the small auditorium with just days to go.
‘This will be a first for the Lichfield Garrick, a disastrous political stunt, but that’s nothing new for me,’ added Micky.
No.10 is keeping a low profile on the event but when asked PM David Cameron said:
‘The idiot is a complete embarrassment and I urge all the good citizens of Lichfield and Burntwood to vote for the local Labour lost boy Chris Whoishey if you can find him.’
Anyone who prefers not to mix with the common folk in the cheap seats can always opt for the more prestigious House of Commons Dinner earlier in the week. For a modest £100 per ticket you can join local Tory Boys from Lichfield Round Table at the exclusive event in Westminster.
Diminutive Rounder Dicky Ladman commented :
‘There are still tickets available, I’ll be leaving Lichfield straight after my tanning session on Wednesday afternoon and anyone who needs a lift is welcome to join me in my fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero.’
Rumours abound that the event may be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Anyone who would like to attend either event is advised to book early to ensure disappointment. However it may not be suitable for opinionated Muslim women unless of course they are shopkeepers or nannies.
A group of neighbours on Lichfield’s Boley Park estate have raised £156 and donated it to Lichfield Round Table for charity.
John Smith of Pentire Road explained: “We are delighted with the amount raised. Luckily I saw a tweet yesterday saying that Santa would be in the area on Tuesday night, that gave me just enough time to rally the neighbours.”
Sandra Jackson takes up the story :”That’s right, we all agreed, it would be much better to raise the money on the understanding that the Round Table Santa wouldn’t come along our road at all. We’re all busy working parents, I’m out of the house for at least twelve hours a day and when I get home I have to feed and bath the kids and get them into bed. The last thing I need is for a bloody fake Santa to come ‘yo-ho- hoing’ along the road in the middle of Holby City.”
Rounder, Pete “Up the Villa” Adams commented:”We’re very grateful to the Pentire residents for this generous donation, it will certainly go some way towards this evenings fuel costs for our fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero.”
Others however were a little more circumspect. Tabler stalwart of two years, Mike “I’m a Right Laugh” Collins told us: “A big thank you to the Pentire folks but this cut an hour out of our evening and to be honest that’s the last thing that I need at Christmas. I’ve had more time on my hand than I know what to do with since Vicky left me for that Morris Dancer. It’s no laughing matter.”
Santa’s tour of the City streets continues right up to Christmas Eve, so check out his itinerary on http://www.lichfield.roundtable.co.uk to avoid disappointment by being unexpectedly in.
As Santa prepares to empty his sack for another Christmas, Lichfield Round Table members are anxiously reviewing their options as to where to park their fully-liveried Mitsubishi Pajero for the next twelve months.
Earlier in the year the car could be found abandoned in various locations in and around the City – traffic islands, farmers’ fields, Eastern Avenue cemetery. But there are now few places left that it hasn’t been towed away from.
Mike “I’m a Right Laugh” Collins, who has been involved with the group for two years, said: “I had it on my drive for a few weeks, it was a right laugh! But I had to let it go when my wife called me a knob and left me for a Morris Dancer. I still miss it.”
The club – a social club for mainly, or soon to be, single men aged 18-45 – raises about £2,000 each year less than they spend on car running costs, real ale and archery evenings.
“If we can’t find suitable parking,” said chairman Pete “Up the Villa” Adams, “we’ll have to sell it, give the proceeds to charity and join Lichfield Golf and Country Club. Now that’s what I call sad.”
To join Lichfield Round Table email firstname.lastname@example.org. Or call the Samaritans.