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Mike Wilcox

Friarsgate director to be co-opted as Leader of Lichfield District Council

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Police appeal for help to trace missing Lichfield District Council

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Staffordshire Police is appealing for the help of the public to trace a District Council from Lichfield.

Lichfield District Council was last seen functioning in the Lichfield area in the run up to local and parliamentary elections in May 2015. It was reported missing to Staffordshire Police after it failed to attend the annual meeting with Bromford Housing Association on February 28.

Meeting Room
Full Council meeting with Bromford Housing Association

Former Council leader Cllr. Mike Wilcox said:

‘I have been concerned about the Council’s erratic behaviour for some time, it’s not the first time that it’s gone missing. Like any loving parent I’ve ranted and raved when it’s gone AWOL but it makes no difference. I’ve tried emailing and making appeals on local and social media, but nothing.’

Equally concerned is Lichfield Chain Gang chairman Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd, he said:

‘I was only going to one civic event this year in my council tax payers’ chauffeur driven limousine, imagine my disappointment when the Council snubbed the event. It is with huge regret and a heavy heart that my one and only civic event of the year has had to be cancelled.’

Sir Kenneth Dodd
Cllr. Sir Kenneth Dodd: ‘Is it me?’

Cllr. Dodd added that he still hoped to raise some money for Free Spirit charity by raffling off prizes that had already been donated.

‘I’m literally flogging a dead horse,’ he exclaimed.

Investigating officer Insp Paul Mycock, based at Lichfield’s virtual reality police station, said:

‘If anyone has seen Lichfield District Council, or has any information which they think could help us to find it, I would urge them to contact us as soon as possible.

‘LDC, if you see this appeal, please get in touch to let us know that you are safe and well.’

The Local Government Boundary Commission was already considering to proposals to reduce the number of district councillors from 47 to 13 to reflect the pathetic extent of councillor engagement in representing their constituents.

FiveSpiresLive has not attempted to contact anyone for comment.

Lichfield welcomes news of Premiership away game ticket price cap

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Lichfield residents and businesses have welcomed the news that the Premier League has agreed plans to cap away tickets at £30 from next season.Historically a thriving coaching city, Lichfield frequently plays host to football fans stopping off for refreshment on the way to Premiership fixtures.

Local curtain-twitcher Sidney Sprite, 97, is chairman of Bacon Street residents association, BSTRDS, he said:

‘This is excellent news for Lichfield in general and Bacon Street in particular. As one of the main arteries into the City we frequently welcome coach-loads of away fans en-route to Villa Park or The Hawthorns. There is ample parking on and around Bacon Street and local residents can be relied upon to give a warm welcome to visitors and direct them to the nearest hostelries.’

With soccer fans making savings of up to £30 per ticket they will be able to afford to spend more in the City pubs and bars. Newcastle United supporter Paul Mycock is delighted, he said:

‘Whenever we’re playing the Villa away we stop off in Lichfield and call in at the George and Dragon to re-fuel and decant. It’s great news that next season we’ll have a few more quid in our pockets, I reckon we’ll set off a couple of hours earlier and really make a day of it. We’ve always had such a warm welcome from the people of Broken Street, they take loads of photos and write lots of letters to the Club chairman afterwards.’

  
However some locals have sounded a note of caution. City football correspondent Ross Hawksmore said:

‘Whilst a Premiership ticket price cap is a welcome initiative, it’ll be of no value to Villa or Newcastle fans next season. But on the plus side they will both still be in the same league and tickets will be cheaper anyway. Cheers.’

Lichfield District Council is keen to promote the city as a tourist destination, Council Leader Mike Wiltcox commented:

‘Lichfield has been a thriving coaching city since the 18th century and the new Friarsgate development has been designed with this in mind, there will be a brand new coach park located conveniently in what was once known as Burntwood.’

Lichfield Friarsgate development boosted by Lego’s Ai Weiwei decision

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Following the recent submission of a full planning application, the Friarsgate shopping centre redevelopment has come a step closer on the announcement that Lego is reversing its policy on bulk purchases and will no longer ask customers what they want to use the bricks for.
The U-turn follows a recent controversy involving Chinese artist Ai Weiwei where Lego was accused of censorship when it refused to sell bricks directly to him.
The company said its policy was to reject bulk requests if it believed that the resulting construction could tarnish its image.

Lego spokesman Roar Rude Trangbæk explained:
‘When we were approached by Lichfield developers with a preliminary enquiry as to the availability of our building materials were were initially reluctant to agree. Many other recent constructions in and around Lichfield have been based on our design concepts and incorporated our bricks. We are aware that this has aroused criticism locally and we feared a backlash.’
Now, following the Ai case, Lego has stated that they will no longer question customers as to the “thematic purpose” of their project.

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Lichfield District Council leader Mike Wilcox commented:
‘We are delighted with Lego’s decision. This will mean that the design of new city centre will sympathetically compliment our other historic buildings such as the Friary Car Park Apartments, the Premier Inn and not forgetting the Garrick Theatre.
‘And we can now cancel the proposed confiscation of lego bricks from the orphans of Burntwood and North Lichfield.’
Dean of Lichfield Cathedral The Very Very Reverend Friend of Fabricant Adrian Dorber was equally delighted, he said:
‘I am delighted that Lego is onboard. With the ease of modular construction this will mean that the height of the new buildings can be increased so as to completely block all lines of sight to Lichfield’s spires on most approaches to the city.’
Praise has also come from Orchard Street Investments, owner of the existing Three Spires Shopping centre, a spokesman commented:
‘We are equally delighted, with such thoughtful design input into the new build we are confident that this can only serve to increase the footfall in the direction of Three Spires.’
Anyone who wishes to comment on the development proposals can do so at http://www.lichfielddc.gov.uk

 

Friarsgate development traffic congestion solved by designating access roads as car parks

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The new Friarsgate development will not add to congestion in Lichfield, it has been claimed.+

On road car parks proposed
On road car parks proposed

In a joint statement Lichfield District Council leader Mike Chuckle and joint venture partners LegoLand and Bang Olufsen chief executive Jorgen Turdskorp said:

‘We are in the process of piecing together the final blocks of this exciting new development. Central to the design strategy will be the need to improve congestion in the City.

‘Our proposal is for Birmingham Road, St John Street and Upper St John Street to be converted into permanent car park facilities, The space previously earmarked for a multi-story car park could then be more profitably utilised.’

Local self-styled councillors-in-exile, BSTARDS, based in Beacon Street, welcomed the plans. Interferer-in-chief, 87 year-old Sidney Sprite commented:

‘BSTARDS welcomes any innovative solution to the city’s problems that don’t involve Beacon Street.

‘Converting City Centre roads into car parks is a no brainer. Most people won’t notice the difference as traffic is stationary on these roads for the best part of the day anyway.’

One suggestion for the top deck of the newly available multi-storey car park has come from local ambulance chief Andy Lance he said: helic

‘I propose that the Midlands Air Ambulance be permanently stationed on the top deck of the car park site. This will save vital minutes in helicopter deployment to scoop up victims of road carnage which is a daily event on the A38 around the City.’

The possible release of the proposed site for alternative uses has also attracted the attention of local God-botherers. The Burntwood Church of the Inexplicable having taken on that town’s defunct No.7 Club (now the rebranded  No.Heaven Club) Pastor Sandy and his sister and wife Liz have turned their attention to the City.

Pastor Sandy said:
‘As the lightning flashes from west to east so shall be the coming of Jesus to smite the moneylenders and fornicators within the Wall.

‘Coffee mornings Wednesday at 10.30, all welcome.’

Cllr Chuckle added:

‘This has been a momentous week in local politics, not only have we solved the traffic flow problems through the City centre by declaring all former access roads to be car parks, but by rejecting the invitation of the Socialist Militant Trotskyist Corbynista Councils to join the West Midland Combined Authority, we have jettisoned all hope of inward investment in local transport and economic development for a generation.

‘But on the plus side we’ve still got The Garrick.’

Mike Wilcox
Mike Wilcox

Lichfield councillor Joseph Powell to challenge city MP for buffoonery title

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Lichfield District Cllr Joseph Powell, who represents Little Aston and Stonnall has launched his campaign to become Conservative Party parliamentary candidate for the 2020 election.

Cllr Powell commented:

‘I have long admired the hilarious antics of our upright Member, Fabricuntio the Clown MP, but he will be over 70 years of age by the next election so I expect that he will be looking to hand over the title of Lichfield “Buffoon-in-Chief” to a worthy successor. I nominate myself for that important civic role and I’m delighted to report that many locals will wholeheartedly endorse the nomination.’

Joey Powell
Joey Powell

Since the local elections in May 2015 the previously anonymous Cllr Powell has begun to garner publicity for his ever more eccentric world views. His intervention in a debate on Council spending, broadcast live on Twitter by international news agency LichfieldLives, cast doubts on the politician’s sanity.

Justifying the £16,000 per year spend on the Chairman’s luxury chauffeur-driven Jaguar XF Cllr Powell explained:

‘It’s important that we make it clear that the car isn’t used for just having drinks and nice meals.

We use it for lots of very useful meetings with homosexuals. Castle Ring is lovely at this time of year don’t you think?’

Clownage is more evolution than revolution admits Cllr Powell:

‘After that Council meeting we retired to The Malt Bar, Lichfield’s premier disabled toilet venue. Council Leader Mike Wilcox was not chuckling that night, claiming that there was definitely something funny about me, but I challenged him:

‘You mean, let me understand this … cuz I … maybe it’s me, maybe I’m a little fcuked up maybe. I’m funny how? I mean funny, like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? Whattya you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?

‘And then it suddenly dawned on me, there’s a precedent right here in the local Conservative party for clowns. Surely Michael Fabricant can’t go on forever, especially if he continues sunbathing. That could be me, I could be the next Clown of Lichfield.’

Cllr Powell’s ascension to clowndom has continued this week but, as with all clowns, there is something of the night about him.

Paying an uncomfortable amount of attention to newly elected young councillors. Joey jested:

‘The future of the Conservative Party in Lichfield and Burntwood is in excellent hands – mine.

‘The election of handsome young-gun Ben Rayner and those two lovely ginger girls is a real breath of fresh air,’ enthused the halitosisly challenged councillor.

‘There is a picture gallery going to back to 1898 at the council and the first three or four photos shows a group of male politicians with a solitary lady. Now that’s what I call a party. Is that Dolphin Square in the background?’

Labour opposition group leader Sue Norman has called on Cllr Powell to desist from making any further comments likely to bring the Council into disrepute.

‘If he doesn’t shut up I’ll start a petition,’ Cllr Norman threatened.

‘Well, with just four elected representatives,’ Cllr Powell retorted hilariously, ‘it means that I don’t need to listen to a single word that the Labour Party has to say.’

MP's answer to cuts in child benefits
MP’s answer to cuts in child benefits

Michael Fabricant is currently enjoying a three month summer holiday, starting off with a visit to the US to attend the annual convention of Clowns International. He said:

‘If Powell stands I will have no alternative but to step aside. Joey is a genuine buffoon, I wouldn’t stand a chance.’

“Include more Gingers in Lichfield District Council Cabinet,” says exiled Shadow Council

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Lichfield District Council should have included more gingers in the Cabinet, according to chairman of the Beacon Street  Shadow Council in exile, BSTARD.

The controlling Conservative group added two new posts to the Cabinet at the first meeting of the local authority since the elections.

Doug Pullem
Doug Pullem

The new additions saw Councillor Helen Fisher take on responsibility for booking family holidays and with Councillor Doug Pullen looking after community he is the only openly ginger member of the eight person cabinet.

Cllr Mike Wilcox, leader of Lichfield District Council claimed the additions would enable a more folically diverse type of councillor to emerge.

He said:

‘We have to recognise that in our insular community, where dogs will bark at the unexpected sight of a visiting gypsy at Bower, many gingers can find themselves discriminated against.

‘As a result we are creating two new cabinet positions to enable gingers to put themselves in a position to be considered for a senior role.

‘Doug Pullen is startlingly ginger and Helen Fisher has clearly had bit of ginger in her in the past. Helen’s daughter, newly-

Beth Fisher
Beth Fisher

elected former musical theatre star Councillor Connie Fisher, is a natural ginger.’

But BSTARD chairman Sidney Sprite, 86, said he would like to see even more ginger  diversity. From a dank and mouldy corner of his Beacon Street residence, the bitter and twisted, sunlight averse Newcastle United fan hater commented:

‘Mrs Sprite was a beautiful ginger in her day, but she was never able to come to terms with her colouration. “I’m not ginger Sidney,” she’d plead, “I’m auburn, maybe strawberry blonde in a certain light?”

‘That was before before her hair turned grey, she was only 28. I knew that deep down she blamed me for that; sticking my nose into other people’s business, quoting meaningless statistics, commenting on local issues from a self-constructed ivory tower build on sand but never daring to stand for office myself.

‘”You’re draining the very colour from my life,” she’d say. That was her little joke; she was always joking – a common defensive trait of a ginger. She died shortly afterwards, just to get away from me she’d have said. Jokingly, in her typically defensive ginger way. I miss her. Bitch.’

Councillor Pullen has welcomed his appointment to Cabinet. He said:

‘I welcome my appointment to Cabinet, the whole family is delighted.’

Doug’s wife is none other than fellow councillor Natasha Inez Pullen. The Spanish former lingerie model commented:

natasha pullem‘In my country a flame-headed man is every woman’s dream, engorged with passion and virility, a man who drives a woman to the very edge of sensuality and beyond with his physical prowess.

‘Clearly it’s different over here,’ she sighed.

No stranger to punching above his weight, Doug Pullen said:

‘As a cabinet member with responsibility for “community” I am determined to make a difference. Dog mess is a priority and I will be on the streets supporting Cllr Greatrix with as many black bags as he needs.’

Any ginger who has been disturbed by this article is advised to contact the Very Reverend Philip John @lichfieldLive

Philip John