LABOUR parliamentary candidate for Lichfield, 17 year-old Sandwell College student Chris Whoishey, visited 5SL’s offices recently to introduce himself.
Our receptionist, Cloe, said:
‘Sorry the job of sourcing and photoshopping copyright pictures has been filled.’
Chris pushed his way passed and insisted:
‘I think I’m part of the next generation of politicians, I can’t be sure, but I’m told that I think I am,’ said Chris.
‘Everybody, including me, is pretty sick at the way things are going currently.
‘Sorry, but as you can see, my PR advisors can barely string together a coherent press release, and don’t get me started on the clichés.
‘What we need is less talk and more action. I got involved in politics because I genuinely believe I can make a difference. And in my short time already I think I have.’
‘See what I mean, I’m talking utter bollocks!’
Chris Whoishey is a local man, if you live in Walsall, and is studying for an ‘A’ Level in Career Politics at Sandwell College. Last year he completed a weekend break in New York which led to a work experience job in a large bank in London, but he soon realised that a career in banking was not for him.
‘After 6 months I woke up and thought “I’m crap at this”,’ said Chris.
‘I could see my life mapped out for me, yes I could see that I was about to be fired, and didn’t like what I saw.
‘I really had no choice but to move back home with Mom, became self-unemployed and get involved in the Labour Party.”
Lichfield’s current MP Michael Fabricant has represented the constituency since 1992.
The flamboyant former whip and Preston Crown Court star prosecution witness is a popular figure in the constituency and won with a 17,683 majority in 2010, 10,000 votes up on the previous election in 2005.
‘I’ve got nothing against him personally,’ said Chris.
“The stuff I’ve seen of him has made me laugh – like wearing the fake tash in Parliament, appearing in clown costume around Lichfield, donating his hairpiece to the Cathedral Christmas tree, dressing up as Judy Garland and, most hilariously, pretending to care about the route of HS2,’ added Chris.
‘Lichfield is a lovely place to live and I’m just hoping for the opportunity to visit the Cathedral City some day. For the moment though I’m happy to stray no further than Burntwood border and bask in the sycophantic adulation of the bitter elderly socialists of the PRofB and Brownhills.”
Outside of ‘work’ Chris enjoys football and also declares himself a big Villa fan.
“Many of my Labour heroes are also big Villa fans, for instance former PM and alleged war criminal Tony Blair has a big Villa in Tuscany.
‘As for the football, the first season I started going with my dad and brother David Prescott to see the Aston Villas was 1992/93 – we finished second. Mmmm perhaps not a great metaphor,’ said Chris reflecting again on his choice of PR firm.
‘My Dad turned to me and said “Why don’t you come up to live with me in Hull and spend a few years in the merchant navy, that’ll toughen you up you little scrote.” That’s the last time he spoke to me, until my recent selection. Bastard.’
“I’m also a cricket fan, like my other Labour hero, former Conservative PM John Major. He ran away from the circus to become a politician, just like Mr Fabricunt but in reverse. So to speak, and no that wasn’t a euphemism.
‘I played cricket in Lichfield once at the old Birmingham Road ground before it was sold off and converted into a block of slum flats fit the 2020’s
‘I’ve also recently got into running – running for office, running out of time, running to catch up, running for cover in Burntwood.’
Chris said he was raised on music from the 60s and the 70s and, under his pseudonym Chris Worsley, is now an accomplished cellist, having played for a while with The Divine Comedy. The metaphor is again a little unfortunate as one commentator commentated:
‘He’s just changed from on big fiddle to another.’
The next few months are likely to be very busy for Chris who is getting married in August to Hannah, who teaches English as a second language to English kids at a school in West Bromwich.
‘Things are hectic at the moment what with the wedding and parliamentary campaign but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hopefully after the wedding Hannah will be able to help translate my press releases into English,’ he added.
Anyone who wants to know more about how Chris will overturn a 17,683 Conservative majority can contact former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, no expenses spared, at the UHB NHS Trust and @smithjj62 . Mrs Smith who attended a local fund raising event for Chris said:
‘Leave my husband out of this. I have friends who know what you’re watching as well you know.’
Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant has responded to claims that his appearances are “harming society” and helping to fuel the fear of clowns.
Tony Eldridge, secretary of Clowns International which represents the performers in the UK has said:
‘The Lichfield Clown is doing clowning no favours and is spoiling the reputation of professional clowns.’
The Lichfield Clown has regularly appeared in the City since his election in April 1992 and has more than 13,800 followers on Twitter. Often considered to be a copycat clown in the tradition of fellow Conservative buffoon, Boris Johnson, Mr Fabricant has made appearances on ‘Have I Got News for You’ and at Prime Minister’s Question Time sporting a false moustache and comedy wig.
Mr Eldridge said:
‘He might see it as a bit of a laugh, but for his constituents it can be a horrible experience. This has nothing to do with clowning, it’s just a small group of politicians with stupid views and it spoils the fun for everybody else.
‘Most professional clowns follow the clown code of conduct which includes not wearing their costume in public. Yet Mr Fabricant can regularly be seen in garishly coloured outfits in Lichfield and behaving like a fool.’
But, in an exclusive interview with Five Spires Live the publicity shy 75-year old MP said:
‘I’m sorry if my appearances have affected the work of professional clowns. All I do is appear in recognisable places around Lichfield and a lot of people still love it.
‘I wave at people who spot me and they wave back and ask for a photo. I can’t help it if some one who sees me is afraid of clowns.’
Although Mr Fabricant concedes:
‘I did have to apologise when I once posted a photo on Twitter with a guy standing behind me with his cock out.’
Staffordshire’s Police and Crime Commissioner @MatthewEllis was today recovering at home after being admitted to the Samuel Johnson Community Hospital (@SJCH) with suspected repetitive strain injury (@rsi) to his right index finger.
The 19-year old Police Commissioner admitted:
‘Since being elected I may have become a little obsessed with Twitter, tweeting the most inane rubbish and then repeating it all over again in my “Weekly Twitter Roundup” at the end of each week. This has resulted in a serious strain to my typing finger.’
Mr Ellis has warned fellow serial tweeters @StaffsPolice, @LichfieldPolice, @BurntwoodPolice, @CannockPolice, @StonePolice, @EStaffsPolice,@ACC Blazbey of the dangers, he said:
‘I spnt a day of xmas @ SJCH aftr 2mch finger action pls b carfl’
Other casualties of twitter are also being reported, traffic cop Sgt Mick Stallone of C-unit based in Lichfield commented:
‘ There’s been a lot of pressure on the lads this festive season, not only have we had to do a full shifts work every day for a month during the Drink Drive campaign, we’ve also had to follow PCC Ellis’ lead and now seem to spend more time on twitter than on the beat. I’m expecting many officers to be on sick leave in the New Year as Mr Ellis has highlighted the dangers and RSI does provide a credible alternative to the traditional bad back.’
Mr Ellis, a self-made politician, has urged all local police officers to limit the use of social media to emergencies only:
‘Many of my voters, sorry members of the public,have contacted me to say that they do not want constant updates on the contents of PC Smith’s lunch box.’
Some though are concerned that Mr Ellis is over reacting, widow Mrs Anne Jones of 23 Field Lane Stonnall, who did not wish to be identified, commented:
‘ I actually find it very reassuring to receive 200 tweets a day from the local police, it certainly makes me feel more secure in my home even though a real policeman has not been seen around here for over five years.’
Hospitals are bracing themselves for an influx of officers with RSI related conditions following the festive season. SJCH Consultant Ravi Singh explained :
‘The local police have been extremely busy over the festive period, typing their tweets and updating their facebook statuses which, when compounded by doing a full day’s work,may result in many serious injuries to the index finger. We have had to implement the hospital disaster preparedness plan to cope with the casualties.’
Commissioner Ellis continued:
‘This has certainly been a wake up call for me, my doctor explained , in no uncertain terms,that if I continue this way of life there is a serious risk that I could contract a condition that could end my political career, it’s known as Fabricuntitis.’
MP MICHAEL Fabricant is preparing for a hair raising moment in aid of charity in the next few days.
The Lichfield and Burntwood Parliamentarian’s latest prank involves donating his golden locks to the City for the duration of the House of Common’s Christmas recess.
Last month publicity shy Mr Fabricant, 75, took part in Movember – the charity moustache-growing campaign in aid of Prostate Cancer UK – wearing a false “wing commander” during the last Prime Minister’s Questions in November.
This week Mr Fabricant will be donating his hair, which will then spend the festive season adorning one of the Cathedral’s trees during it’s Christmas Tree Festival. Starting at the bottom, the blonde thatch will gradually make its way up the tree as each charity donation target is met. It is hoped that by the big day the well known weave will have reached the very top.
The Bishop of Lichfield Jonathan Gledhill rejoiced: “This is a great contribution that Mikey has made to our Festival, depicting as it does the baldness of the baby Jesus and the gradual progression to a luxuriant full head of blonde hair in adulthood. On another level it also looks a little bit like straw in the manger.”
Resident in Cathedral Close whilst he is in Lichfield Mr Fabricant commented: “What better way to celebrate Christmas than to watch your own peruke steadily climbing up through the branches.” Asked what other bodily part would next get detached in the interest of charity, the MP said:”I tried it with my retina earlier in the year and at my age, who knows what will drop off next.”
To contribute to the cause, visit Mr Fabricant’s fund-raising page at www.alopeciaareatasupport.com