Matthew Ellis

Lichfield police officer to be disciplined for interacting with the public

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A Lichfield warranted police officer is facing disciplinary action after being seen walking around town on a Saturday afternoon chatting to local residents and assisting tourists. PC Paul Mycock has been with Staffordshire Police for over 20 years, he said:

‘I am stationed at the new Lichfield base on Eastern Avenue and spend most of my day investigating complaints from people who have been offended by social media posts or arranging for police vehicles to be reliveried for LGBT Pride parades.

‘Last week was a little slow as most complaints related to Boris Johnson and letterboxes, well that’s well above my pay grade.

‘It was a lovely day so I accompanied a colleague out on patrol, she had been ordered to drive around town in circles to give the impression of a strong police presence in the City. She had to alternate her hair style and wear a Michael Fabricant wig on each circuit to complete the illusion .

‘Feeling a little nostalgic I decided to take a walk around town on my old beat, catching up with locals and shopkeepers. Tourists were asking for selfies, assuming that I was part of the deluded local history group that dresses up in period costume.

‘A couple of days later I was called into the Inspector’s climate controlled office and informed that I was to be suspended for behaviour likely to bring the Force into disrepute.’

Staffordshire Police graduate entrant Inspector Bieber, 21, commented:

‘I can’t comment as this is an ongoing enquiry, but what I will say is that such behaviour, interacting directly with the public and addressing their day to day concerns is not what we are here to do and frankly makes the rest of us look bad.’

It is unclear who made the complaint but PC Mycock has his suspicions, he said

‘I have my suspicions. There are certain groups of vigilantes patrolling our streets and parks impersonating police officers.

‘As if the Speed Watch group aren’t irritating enough, we now have the self-styled Lichfield BID Officer Support (LIBIDOS) patrolling the town in para-police officer uniforms chatting to people and helping tourists.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I commend their aims but just like with Catholic priests, scout leaders and swimming coaches, you really do have to wonder about them don’t you?’’

PC Mycock is now planning to take early retirement and hopes to spend his nights with the shadowy vigilante group Lichfield Late Night Listeners.

Anyone who has been touched inappropriately by a vigilante is advised to contact the Daily Mail.

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“Set fire to your house well before 8pm,” advises Lichfield fire chief

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Lichfield residents have been advised to set fire to their own homes well before 8pm if they are hoping for a response from Lichfield’s firefighters. Lichfield Fire Station manager Damian “Stretch” Armstrong said:

‘Lichfield Community Fire Station & Crèche is staffed throughout the day between 8am and 8pm. Any emergency calls outside of those hours may be covered by on-call firefighters from somewhere else in Staffordshire. So if you’re planning to torch the house or cause a major RTA for goodness sake do so well before 8pm.

‘Oh and try to avoid weekends and public holidays. And any particularly cold or wet days. Or any time during school holidays or major sporting events for that matter.’

Concern about lack of adequate cover for Lichfield has been highlighted by a delay of almost half an hour by fire crews responding to a 10.21pm alarm at David Garrick Gardens retirement homes. Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service said the nearest available crews were at a Christmas party in Rugeley at the time.

Local MP Michael Fabricant is not impressed, he said:

‘With any local issue my first question is “What does this mean to me?” Well my grace and favour luxury chambers in Cathedral Close are particularly vulnerable to fire, so I wrote to my office, made an appointment and raised my concerns with myself.

‘I have deep misgivings that the totally inadequate fire cover in Lichfield is entirely due to management incompetence and nothing whatsoever to do with my Government’s £5 million funding cuts.’

The Conservative Police & Crime Commissioner, Matthew Ellis agrees, he commented:

‘I should take control of the Fire service management as I’m looking to considerably enhance my already enormous salary. I’ve heard many people say “Fire Police & Crime Commissioner” in support of my proposal. I think that’s what they mean anyway.’

David Garrick Gardens resident Steve Applecox, 75, confessed that he had caused the fire scare, he explained:

‘I’d been drinking in the Dr Johnson pub since 5pm celebrating a goal by Lichfield FC. I staggered home about 10pm and fired up the deep fat fryer. Next thing I know the kitchen is alight and the alarm is blaring out, woke me up it did. And the lazy bastards didn’t turn up for half an hour.

‘I’ll be sure to get home pissed well before 8pm next weekend.’

Anyone wishing to organise an event at Lichfield Community Fire Station & Crèche should call 01785 898040

Plan for a ‘Hipster glamping’ site in Lichfield green belt sparks outrage

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A planning application to convert agricultural land into a campsite complete with ‘glamping pods’ on Abnalls Lane has attracted fierce opposition. 

Local damp and mould campaigner Bessy Banks from the neighbouring Bromford Housing settlement in Lichfield North said:

‘We just don’t need these pretend camp-lite sites in our area. If you’re looking for break with all the comforts of home, then stay at home. If you’re looking for a real-life back-to-nature outdoor experience come and spend a night in my house. 

‘We grow mushrooms in our bedrooms you know. Stick that in your vape and smoke it.’

Objections have also been raised by Dr Nathaniel Braun, principal of the Maple Hayes Dilysxea School which adjoins the proposed hippy commune. He said:

‘It’s not the ridiculous beards and smug arrogance of these affluent, middle-class, white, politically-progressive, artisan food-loving millennials that’s the problem. 

‘It’s the fact that “glamping” isn’t even a real word. Here at Maple Hayes we have enough problems with real words without struggling with invented ones.’

Lichfield Police have expressed concerns about the integration of hipster teenagers into the local community. Recently re-elected Staffordshire Police and Crime Commissioner Clyde Ellis said:

‘Hipster families can cause real problems when they move into an area. Unlike normal travellers they refuse to use the local fields and watercourses for washing and defecation, preferring to migrate into town to ablute in our pubs and restaurants. This puts a real strain on local facilities; the disabled toilet at The Malt is particularly vulnerable especially in warm weather.

‘Public order issues are also worrying. Hipster youngsters wandering around Beacon Park with their books, floppy hair and wispy facial hair are just asking for a thump in the throat, admittedly a traditional Lichfield greeting invented by our MP, but unwelcome nonetheless.’

Charity shops expect to be overwhelmed as the visitors arrive in search of trendy retro tweeds and floral dresses. Charity shop manager Paul Mycock said:

‘These families swarming around the shops can cause real obstacles for the elderly charity workers as they shuffle and dither about the place trying to look busy.’

The owner of the field Farmer Ted said:

‘The land has previously been rented out for grazing, but a change to subsidies and an opportunity for me to cash in on the hipster market means the local livestock owners can just feck right off.

‘And you’d all better not object to the application, Plan B is a sale to the Staffordshire Gypsies’
The planning application can be viewed at https://planning.lichfielddc.gov.uk/online-applications/applicationDetails.do?activeTab=summary&keyVal=O68HOZJE0FV00

Burntwood nightclub No.7’s owners warned of deal with Beacon Church by Derek Acorah’s spirit guide

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Burntwood’s No.7’s Nightclub closed in May after providing a convenient venue for drunken fornication for almost 20 years. Mr Mansell, 78, who has owned the premises for over 40 years, joined forces with co-owner of the business Jennifer Heath, 65, over a couple of bottles of Prosecco in 1987.

Burntwood nightclub
Burntwood nightclub

Trevor said:

‘A 4am licence was granted in the late 1990s for the bar to become a late night venue and Burntwood’s own nightclub was launched. But I’m not getting any younger and I’d recently heard that Burntwood is being closed down in 2016 so we had to make a decision about the future of the business.

‘On Good Friday we opened as usual and the place was packed with family members all looking for easy jobs and free booze. By midnight the drink was flowing down the kid’s necks and the grandson was DJ’ing, cranking up the sound system with a bit of ELO and I turned to Jenny and said “Where did we go wrong?” ‘

Failing to get the Mr Blue Sky reference, Jenny continued:

‘Earlier that day I’d booked tickets to see the truly gifted and genuine psychic Derek Acorah at The Garrick next month. With each internet booking Derek arranges for you to be sent a text message direct from the spirit world. Well, Trevor was dribbling down my cleavage in his ‘70’s reverie when I got this text on my iPhone. Derek’s spirit guide said “Watch out for the pasta.”

Charlatan
Charlatan

‘Well I was absolutely gobsmacked, I’m actually gluten intolerant as you can probably smell. But when I looked up I saw a dark figure approaching us across the dance floor through the dry-ice mist and photo-epileptic strobe lighting.’

Wearing a stetson and cowboy boots the stranger introduced himself to the couple. Trevor recalls:

‘He said “Hi folks, my name is Pastor Sandy of the Beacon Community Church and I’m here to save you.” He sat down at our table and talked to us in his dulcet Scottish tones for the rest of the evening. For the life of me I can’t remember a single word he said, but by the end of the night the club closed and I found myself signing an agreement gifting the Club to the Church.’

Pastor Sandy McMeekin’s mission is to reach out to the community of Burntwood, raise up the community of Burntwood and send out the community of Burntwood to go and live in Brownhills. He explained:

‘Burntwood is dying, it’s vital organs, if you like, are closing down, it’s life-blood is thickening in the town’s arteries. End of Days was foretold in the Bible that I wrote with my sister, sorry, my wife Liz at our kitchen table five years ago. End of Days would be signalled by the triumphant return to the Walled City of the Clown Fabricuntio before the pagan festival of Bower.’

Pastor Sandy and Liz
Pastor Sandy and Liz

According to Pastor Sandy the signs of accelerated descent are all around, citing as examples the recently announced plans to close Chasetown police station and withdraw officers to the safety of new premises that will be built unchallenged in Lichfield’s Green belt; the leaked plans to sell off and close Chasewater and, most symbolically for the young people, the future, of the town, the closure of No.7’s nightclub

The reverend Pastor explained:

‘No.7, so called because of the average number of revellers that it attracted on a Friday and Saturday night, has been dying alongside with the town. These are dark days, I have answered God’s call, me and my sister, sorry my wife Liz together with our Beacon disciples will guide the lost and dislocated into the light.’

The Church has now received planning consent from Lichfield District Council to convert the former nightclub for its own purposes.

Take Me To Church
Take Me To Church

Trevor has no regrets, being a canny business man all his life he added:

‘I may have signed his agreement under the influence of the Pastor’s obvious charisma but what he doesn’t realise is that I transferred the property to my company T.J.M & D. (Burntwood) Limited in February. He’ll have a shock when he puts in for planning to build apartments here next year. Haha.’

Anyone who wants to find out more about the teachings of Pastor Sandy and the Beacon Church will discover very little by visiting their website at http://www.beacon-church.com/pages/

We know what you did last summer

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HOLIDAY in Portugal and Cornwall this summer a long lost memory?

Wondering what’s been happening in the Cathedral City whilst you’ve  been away?

Hanging onto the tail-end of summer before the glorious finale of  ‘Jerusalem’ and the fireworks of Saturday’s Proms in the Park?

Dreading the inevitable mirthless descent towards Christless?

Well don’t worry, we’ve been keeping an eye on things from a suitably tropical distance whilst you’ve had better things to do.

 And here’s some of the best bits:

 

Lichfield District Council in cash-grab from council taxpayers’ bank accounts

cash-grab

LICHFIELD District Council raided local council taxpayers bank accounts on 13 August.

The unscheduled Council Tax direct debit payment at the height of the summer holiday season came as an unexpected knockout blow for many cash-strapped locals.  A council spokesman said at the time:

‘Never mind, payment by direct debit remains the most simple, convenient and safe way for us to steal your money.

‘We would like to thank you for continuing to pay by this method and thereby avoiding that knock on the door by our over-enthusiastic bailiffs. Please enjoy what’s left of your miserable holiday, sorry the kids can’t eat this week.’

If you would like to discuss any of the points raised, please contact the Council Tax Billing Team on 01543 308882/3/4 who will be unable to help you with your account.

 

Unemployed Londoners occupy the roof of a Shenstone factory in random show of support of Palestinians

MEMBERS of the London Palestine Action Group occupied a camp on top of the UAV Engines factory in Shenstone.

The group claimed that the Israeli owned company makes engines for Israeli drones.

The company spokesman said:

‘We have owned this land since we stole it  from the Lammas Land Trust in 1948 as compensation for the atrocities committed against weapons manufacturers throughout our history. The unlawful occupation of the factory roof by these lowlife gentiles threaten the security of the region, their porridge eating and first floor defecating is a cause of great concern to the local commuters who congregate in The Plough each evening to pass judgement on the ‘lowers’ of the village.’

The siege was eventually ended as a police drone helicopter approached menacingly out of the early evening sun from within the Wall. Powered by a UAV engine the drone videoed  the removal of the protesters from the roof by officers on the ground.

drone

Tempted down by a promise of hot pork baguettes and bottles of merlot, ‘Palestinian’ leader Pete ‘Swampy’ Smith commented:

‘By allowing this factory to export drone components to Israel, the UK Government is providing direct support and approval to Israel’s massacres.

‘We demand the permanent closure of the factory and an end to all forms of military trade and co-operation with Israel.

‘But alternatively,if you could just pay for our train fares back to Brighton we’ll be off.’

Outside the factory supporters of the protest massed in their 10’s.

shenstone 10

 

Lichfield MP Michael Fabricant commented:

‘By a quirk of boundaries Shenstone is not within my constituency,  just like Burntwood. But had it have been I would have commented:

‘It is an outrage that the factory roof has been occupied and is a threat to the rest of the premises. I wholeheartedly support the Company should it choose to annihilate those concerned. There will of course be collateral damage to the roof but his can be repaired over the next 20 years by you, the taxpayers, with aid funded by humanitarian appeals on TV for just £3 a month.’

 

Councillor cleans up local wildlife park

CELEBRITY granny, Councillor Sue Woodward spent her summer holiday litter picking in the former Redwood Park.

Following questions from locals asking if the Park had been designated as the new Burntwood Tip Councillor Woodward commented:

‘No, Redwood Park is not the new tip. We have spent the past few weeks collecting old fag packets, crisp wrappers, chip papers, condoms  and the like from the hedgerows. Dog shit has been a significant problem but with the help of JCB from the People’s Republic of Uttoxeter this has also been removed.’

photo (9)

Looking to the future, newly appointed Burntwood Town Council enforcer Steve Lightfoot commented:

‘We are confident that the park will be designated, not as a tip, but as a Wildlife Park, being home, as it is, for all sorts of local wildlife who may find living in a traditional housing a little too challenging.’

 

 

Burntwood MP Michael Fabricant gets a bloody nose

FORMER member for Burntwood, Michael Fabricant  spent the summer Parliamentary recess addressing the pressing concerns of his constituents.

Whilst the lack of a Burntwood Health Centre debacle continued, Mr Fabricant lobbied against the unusual issue of discrimination against gay men in their right to donate blood.

In an article in the Guardian Mr Fabricant said:

‘It’s so unfair, if a promiscuous heterosexual man having unsafe sex is allowed to donate blood why shouldn’t the rules be applied equally to a promiscuous gay man having unsafe sex.’

Local gay Guy D Hiscock commented:

‘To be frank, if you ask me there are far more important discrimination issues that need tackling  than equality in blood donation. But on the other hand, the prospect of feeling a quick prick followed by ten minutes of a rhythmic throbbing is quite appealing now you mention it.’

When not campaigning for the right to donate bodily fluids indiscriminately, the honourable member was upping his campaign for the blood of the cuckolded midget Speaker Bercow.

Alas another campaign of no interest or significance to his loyal Burntwood constituents.

 

‘A’ Level results day ‘just an excuse to perv over teenage girls’

A GROUP of unattractive, unqualified and underemployed Lichfield ladies complained about the media coverage of our local schools’ ‘A’ level results.

Vicky Pearce of Lichfield Ladies Circle said:

‘We all pretend to be friends and entertain ourselves with baking and knitting whilst our ‘men’ are out having fantastic archery and real ale evenings and driving round in their fully-liveried Mitsubishi Priapic RotundTable car.

‘But then every summer, to add insult to injury,  we have to put up with pages of filth in the Lichfield Mercury and that on-line rag ‘Lichfield Died’  following on from ‘A’ Level results day.

‘Page after page of young fit attractive flat-stomached girls jumping in the air, vibrant and full of life, it’s an absolute disgrace.’

volleyballgirls

Lichfield Died’s football correspondent, former celebrity skateboarder Ross Hawkes defended the coverage:

‘Every year we get sent dozens of photographs on results day by our local schools. We just choose to publish the ones where the kids seem to be having the most fun, just so long as it’s a group of flat-stomached well-endowed hotties. Frankly I’m not bothered what grades they’ve  got, as far as I’m concerned everyone’s a winner!

‘The rest I leave for my mate Phil.’

 

Staffordshire Police become online lingerie salesmen

DESIGNER clothes bought by ball-achingly beautiful Lichfield mom Michaela Hutchings were put up for auction on e-Bay by Staffordshire Police.

Ms Hutchings had been innocently sent an unsolicited gift of £50,000 by the financially incompetent Lichfield District Council and then promptly convicted of dishonesty.

Kayla said :

‘Without prejudice, my understanding of the legal position is that under the provisions of the Unsolicited Goods and Services Act 1971 (as amended), any received monies can be retained as an unconditional gift. As the receiver, so to speak, I had no obligation to return the gift… sorted.’

Mickey spent a modest £7,000 of the LDC’s generosity buying luxury goods by Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Ralph Lauren and Dior, amongst other brands. She generously gave £1,000 to her mum before wisely investing £40,000 for the future in a savings account.

The designer clothes were seized and put up for sale on-line by Staffordshire Police in a bid to recoup some of the £51,006.55 confiscation order.

Kayla commented:

‘There really was no need for a confiscation order, as soon as I realised the mistake I agreed to give the money back, but it was tied up in a tax-free ISA with interest penalties for early withdrawal. And that’s not something I’m keen on – early withdrawal, so to speak, to be honest.’

Staffordshire PCC Matthew Ellis said :

‘All of these items were genuine, purchased at full retail price in High Street stores and were seized the day after purchase and I for one am delighted to have been the successful bidder for a nearly-new pair of Paramour panties.’

paramour

 

Labour Parliamentary Candidate gets married

LABOUR Parliamentary Candidate Chris Whoishey got married and went on honeymoon, somewhere.

Chris said:

‘Thanks for asking anyway. Maybe see you again in 2020?’

cw save

 

Welcome Back…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Staffordshire PCC Matthew Ellis admitted to Samuel Johnson Hospital with RSI of the finger

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Image

Staffordshire’s Police and Crime Commissioner @MatthewEllis was today recovering at home after being admitted to the Samuel Johnson Community Hospital (@SJCH) with suspected repetitive strain injury (@rsi) to his right index finger.

The 19-year old Police Commissioner admitted:

‘Since being elected I may have become a little obsessed with Twitter, tweeting the most inane rubbish and then repeating it all over again in my “Weekly Twitter Roundup” at the end of each week. This has resulted in a serious strain to my typing finger.’

Mr Ellis has warned fellow serial tweeters @StaffsPolice, @LichfieldPolice, @BurntwoodPolice, @CannockPolice, @StonePolice, @EStaffsPolice,@ACC Blazbey of the dangers, he said:

‘I spnt a day of xmas @ SJCH aftr 2mch finger action pls b carfl’

Other casualties of twitter are also being reported, traffic cop Sgt Mick Stallone of C-unit based in Lichfield commented:

‘ There’s been  a lot of pressure on the lads this festive season, not only have we had to do a full shifts work every day for a month during the Drink Drive campaign, we’ve also had to follow PCC Ellis’ lead and now seem to spend more time on twitter than on the beat. I’m expecting many officers to be on sick leave in the New Year as Mr Ellis has highlighted the dangers and RSI does provide a credible alternative to the traditional bad back.’

Mr Ellis, a self-made politician, has urged all local police officers to limit the use of social media to emergencies only:

‘Many of my voters, sorry members of the public,have contacted me to say that they do not want constant updates on the contents of PC Smith’s lunch box.’

Some though are concerned that Mr Ellis is over reacting, widow Mrs Anne Jones of 23 Field Lane Stonnall, who did not wish to be identified, commented:

‘ I actually find it very reassuring to receive 200 tweets a day from the local police, it certainly makes me feel more secure in my home even though a real policeman has not been seen around here for over five years.’

Hospitals are bracing themselves for an influx of officers with RSI related conditions following the festive season.  SJCH Consultant Ravi Singh explained :

‘The local police have been extremely busy over the festive period, typing their tweets and updating their facebook statuses which, when compounded by doing a full day’s work,may result in many serious injuries to the index finger. We have had to implement the hospital disaster preparedness plan to cope with the casualties.’

Commissioner Ellis continued:

‘This has certainly been a wake up call for me, my doctor explained , in no uncertain terms,that if I continue this way of life there is a serious risk that I could contract a condition that could end my political career, it’s known as Fabricuntitis.’