Malt Bar

Plan for a ‘Hipster glamping’ site in Lichfield green belt sparks outrage

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A planning application to convert agricultural land into a campsite complete with ‘glamping pods’ on Abnalls Lane has attracted fierce opposition. 

Local damp and mould campaigner Bessy Banks from the neighbouring Bromford Housing settlement in Lichfield North said:

‘We just don’t need these pretend camp-lite sites in our area. If you’re looking for break with all the comforts of home, then stay at home. If you’re looking for a real-life back-to-nature outdoor experience come and spend a night in my house. 

‘We grow mushrooms in our bedrooms you know. Stick that in your vape and smoke it.’

Objections have also been raised by Dr Nathaniel Braun, principal of the Maple Hayes Dilysxea School which adjoins the proposed hippy commune. He said:

‘It’s not the ridiculous beards and smug arrogance of these affluent, middle-class, white, politically-progressive, artisan food-loving millennials that’s the problem. 

‘It’s the fact that “glamping” isn’t even a real word. Here at Maple Hayes we have enough problems with real words without struggling with invented ones.’

Lichfield Police have expressed concerns about the integration of hipster teenagers into the local community. Recently re-elected Staffordshire Police and Crime Commissioner Clyde Ellis said:

‘Hipster families can cause real problems when they move into an area. Unlike normal travellers they refuse to use the local fields and watercourses for washing and defecation, preferring to migrate into town to ablute in our pubs and restaurants. This puts a real strain on local facilities; the disabled toilet at The Malt is particularly vulnerable especially in warm weather.

‘Public order issues are also worrying. Hipster youngsters wandering around Beacon Park with their books, floppy hair and wispy facial hair are just asking for a thump in the throat, admittedly a traditional Lichfield greeting invented by our MP, but unwelcome nonetheless.’

Charity shops expect to be overwhelmed as the visitors arrive in search of trendy retro tweeds and floral dresses. Charity shop manager Paul Mycock said:

‘These families swarming around the shops can cause real obstacles for the elderly charity workers as they shuffle and dither about the place trying to look busy.’

The owner of the field Farmer Ted said:

‘The land has previously been rented out for grazing, but a change to subsidies and an opportunity for me to cash in on the hipster market means the local livestock owners can just feck right off.

‘And you’d all better not object to the application, Plan B is a sale to the Staffordshire Gypsies’
The planning application can be viewed at