Lichfield Round Table

Lichfield Round Table to fold in the wake of Presidents Club scandal?

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The future of men-only clubs has been called into question following events at the scandal-hit Presidents Club charity evening in London last week.

Revelations that 130 well-paid adult women voluntarily subjected themselves to the drunken, sexually repressed antics of sildenafil-stoked obese rich men at the charity event has called into question the future of men-only clubs like Lichfield Round Table.

Round Table is a Club exclusively for men under the age of 45 who don’t know enough senior police officers to be invited to join the Masons. The Lichfield club meets twice a month to discuss clay pigeon shooting, according to its recruitment literature.

But not everyone is convinced by this facade. Former wife of a Tabler, 28-year-old Myfanwy Hertz is a self-employed business consultant, she explained:

‘I’m self-employed because I’m a successful independent woman who no-one else is prepared to employ.

‘I recommend self-employment to all those young women who will be losing their well paid jobs to satisfy my feminist fundamentalism.’

She believes that the days of men-only clubs are numbered, she said:

‘These enclaves of misogyny and sexism have had their day, it’s no longer acceptable in our free, liberal society for groups of like-minded guys to get together over a pint, claiming to discuss clay pigeon shooting and the most effective way to commit suicide.

‘Does anyone genuinely believe that? No, all they do is get drunk and moan about their wives and girlfriends and snigger about what they would like to do with the barmaid, given half an erection. I find it offensive and Round Table should be closed down.

‘And that bitch behind the bar at the Bowling Green can do one as well.’

Talking to BBC Radio 5Live’s Saturday Breakfast, diminutive local travel agent Richard “Dick” Holland,14, defended the traditions of the men-only Round Table movement, he said:

‘Round Table is a Club for young men under the age of 45, we meet up a couple of times a month to talk about clay pigeon shooting and practice techniques for talking fellow club members down from the roof.

‘It’s all about having a chat and a laugh and relaxing in male company away from the pressures of making the evening meal and putting the kids to bed

‘But it’s not all about us, we have a sister organisation for the girls, called ‘The Ladies Ring’, which is focussed on monthly get togethers to dress in pink and discuss knitting and baking. Nothing sexist about that I think you’ll agree.’

Mx Hertz listened in to the broadcast in the hair salon where she was preparing for a Ladies Night out at Lichfield’s new Cougar Club, she said:

‘Well I’m delighted, Dick makes the Round Table sound so dull I think it’ll die of natural causes without my help.

‘I like mine black with a big one’, she laughed, shouting her coffee order across the salon.

Anyone who would like to hear Richard Holland fall from his high chair during the interview can catch it here for a limited time

From 43 minutes

Lichfield hospital site to be used as NHS Park & Ride facility

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Details have emerged of plans to transform the site of the former Samuel Johnson Memorial Hospital into a NHS Park & Ride facility. The future of the site has been uncertain since the announcement of the closure of the hospital’s Minor Injuries Unit earlier this month. A spokesman for Burton Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust commented:

‘With NHS hospitals in England collecting over £120m last year from hospital car parking charges it makes sense to look closely at this potentially lucrative use for the now defunct Lichfield site.’

A confidential report by the Staffordshire and Stoke-on-Trent Sustainability and Transformation committee highlighted the potential revenue stream that could be achieved by converting the hospital building into a multi-story car park for premium rate secure parking along side the existing 174 parking spaces.’

Burton Hospitals Trust continued:

‘With the closure of Samuel Johnson and the A&E department at Queen’s Hospital Burton the new parking facility will enable sick and injured Lichfield residents to drive themselves to the Park & Ride and take a regular Arriva bus service to the nearest available A&E department, currently the Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle upon Tyne.’

Paul Mycock, head of Lichfield Patients Association, is outraged. He said:

‘I’m outraged. The charges are expected to be £95 per person per day for the secure car park with return ticket to Newcastle. With a journey time of almost four hours many critically ill patients and trauma victims are unlikely to survive the journey despite having pre-paid for their return trip.’

Dr Anton Declan, spokesman for Newcastle Hospitals Foundation Trust said:

‘We are delighted to confirm that we are a stakeholder in this innovative P&R2A&E scheme. The welfare of paying patients is paramount, each bus will be boarded immediately on arrival by a qualified veterinary nurse  who will assess all passengers. Those who appear to be still alive will be admitted for urgent attention to our A&E department.

‘For those unfortunate service users who have not survived the journey our new joint venture partners at Newcastle Co-operative Funeral Service will be on hand to take delivery.’

Lichfield Round Table has been approached for comment.


Lichfield man resorts to “attempted murder” to get wife medical attention

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A Lichfield man arrested on suspicion of the attempted murder of his wife has claimed that he took desperate measures to get his wife some much needed medical attention.

Local taxidermist Paul Mycock, 45, is accused of deliberately reversing his fully liveried Mitsubishi Pajero over his wife on the driveway of their home on the Boley Park estate. He said:

‘After driving around the streets of Lichfield demanding money with menaces with the nob mob [Round Tablers], I arrived home last night to find my wife in tears clutching her foot. She’d only gone and tripped over one of my stuffed beavers.’

Mr Mycock suggested to his wife, Pauline, 48, that they go to get her checked out at the 24 hour Minor Injuries Unit at the Samuel Johnson Community Hospital. 

From her ICU bed in Newcastle Pauline explained:

‘I said to Paul, we’ll be lucky, I’ve heard that our local hospital’s been closed down to prepare it for privatisation. If I’d suffered major trauma then I’d have had to go to our nearest functioning A&E Unit in Newcastle upon Tyne. For minor injuries you’re told to take a couple of paracetamol and visit the pharmacy a week on Monday. No-one’s going to be interested in my broken foot, I said.’

Mycock’s solicitor Jonathan Scroat claims that two weeks on the road with District 250’s Santa coupled with his wife’s excruciating pain left his client’s mind seriously disturbed. He said:
‘There is no doubt that the balance of my client’s mind was seriously disturbed by the failings of the Burton Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust when he led his injured wife out onto the driveway of their home and then deliberately reversed his car over her. 
‘Fortunately the air ambulance was on the scene within minutes and Mrs Mycock was admitted to Newcastle A&E within the hour.’
Pauline will not be pressing charges, she said:
‘Paul was just trying to get me medical attention and he succeeded. I just hope no one else has to go through this for the sake of a leg X-ray. I blame Brexit.’
‘On the plus side my ankle was only sprained after all,’ she added. 

“Sex Cafe” proposals for Lichfield shopping centre

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Proposals for an “adult café” in Lichfield’s Three Spires Shopping Centre have been submitted to the District Council’s planning department for pre-application consideration.
Modelled on successful businesses in Thailand, such as Dr. BJ’s Salon in Bangkok, Swiss entrepreneur Bradley Charvet hopes to open the UK’s first “fellatio café” in Lichfield. However due to the UK’s strict prostitution laws Charvet has revealed that the oral sex will be performed by ‘erotic cyborgs.’

In support of the application Mr Charvet said:
‘Our research indicates that Lichfield is an ideal location, demographically the city has the highest percentage of jerk jockeys in the UK.
‘A 15-minute oral sex session with a flat white will set punters back just £50. Any patrons who work up an appetite can pay extra for a sausage roll or cheesy panini.
‘The cafe will be home to eight robots dressed in a variety of costumes including nurse, police, student and local councillor.’

Lichfield plumber Paul Mycock commented:
‘As a member of Lichfield Round Table I’m obviously sexually frustrated, but if you’re asking me to pay £50 for a 15-minute sex session with a robot you’ve got to be having a laugh. I’d only last a minute.
‘Although I’ve no objection to robot sex, I imagine it’s much like going at it with my Pauline. Before she ran off with my mate from the Table. I still miss him.’

Any comments on the proposals should be addressed to Jon in Lichfield District Council’s planning department, although the plans are expected to go through on the nod. #OurDay

Lichfield man hospitalised by successful Sengalese trader in Tenerife 

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An early winter break has been ruined for a Lichfield man when he collapsed in a beach bar after witnessing a successful sale by an illegal street vendor.image

Paul Mycock, 46, was on an all-expenses paid charity fact-finding trip to Tenerife funded by Lichfield Round Table when the incident occurred. His wife Paula spend two days of her all-inclusive holiday at Paul’s hospital bedside, she commented:

‘We’ve been coming to Tenerife for many years, sometimes at our own expense, but we’ve never seen anything like this before.

‘We were sitting in a beach bar watching the usual procession of vagrant Senegalese illegal street traders trying to force their shite on elderly Brits when Paul suddenly grabbed my arm and said “Look, I think someone’s just bought a fake Louis Vuitton handbag from that guy.”

‘Next thing I know, Paul clutches his chest and collapses, taking our table to the ground with him. I was beside myself, a full jug of Sangria into the sand, clumsy bastard.’

Paul has now made a full recovery and is enjoying the last few days of their holiday, he said:

‘It’s been such a stressful few days, no sooner had we arrived in Tenerife than we were alerted by The Daily Express to PANIC in the streets as the volcanic island was set to explode. We had to fight our way through hoards of drunken pensioners sunning themselves, indifferent to the imminent threat of annihilation, to our hotel in the foothills of Mount Teide.

‘Then the next day to be confronted by the sight someone actually voluntarily buying something from one of these beach gypsies, it just blew a valve. I’m lucky to be alive to be honest.

‘The usual custom around here is to politely suggest to the traders that that they just “Vete a la miedra.”’

“Christmas is cancelled” declares Lichfield Round Table militants

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Kidnap victim

Lichfield Round Table militant faction, the self-styled District 250, has declared that Christmas is cancelled this year.

Talks between the group and Lichfield District Council to agree this year’s “funding” settlement broke down yesterday (Saturday).

District 250, a dissident band of ultra-right wing egos with relationship issues and an interest in go-karting and archery, has cancelled today’s planned Lichfield Christmas Lights switch on. Spokesman for D250, Dick, his real name, said:

‘We regret that due to the intransigence of the Council we had no alternative but to cancel the Christmas Lights switch on. Our annual running costs have escalated and they will no longer be covered by parading Santa through the streets of Lichfield demanding cash from the poor and feeble-minded.’

It became clear in 2014  that Santa Claus had been kidnapped by the Round Table militants and forced to fund raise for the group each December.

Dick explained:

‘It’s a very expensive time for us, we’ve recently returned from Portugal after a week’s golfing holiday and there are many more foreign jollies in the pipeline that need paying for by the local public. That doesn’t come cheap you know.’

District 250
District 250 Christmas plot hatched abroad

Cllr Christmas Spruce, Cabinet Member for Finance, explained the Council’s position:

Cllr Spruce

‘As part of the Council’s F4F (Fucked for the Foreseeable) financial strategy we have had to scale back support for local dissident groups. Discussions with some of these groups have become quite heated. A more disagreeable bunch you’re unlikely to encounter, but after Beacon Community Church this District 250 group come a close second.

‘We tried our best to negotiate a settlement to secure Christmas for another year, we even offered up Michael Fabricant in a hostage exchange for Santa, but they were having none of it. Can’t blame them on that score to be fair.’

hostage exchange
Hostage exchange rejected

Dick denied that they were behaving unreasonably:

‘Why would we exchange Santa for Fabricant? It may not be much but at least Santa bothers to get out to meet the community once a year.’

Further talks are expected to take place next week in a final bid to save Christmas.