SANDWELL Parliamentary candidate Chris Worsey held a press conference at the Labour Party Conference in Manchester earlier this week to explain his sudden change in appearance.
Sporting what appeared to be a manley “full set” beard and moustache, Mr Worsey explained:
‘Since my selection earlier this year I have been ceaselessly campaigning on the streets of Great Barr to overthrow the middle class smug tyranny of the Lichfield incumbent Conservative Mikhail Fabricuntio. But my message has been lost in the curse of our modern age, lost in the hideous cult of my own celebrity.
‘Day after day, at every meeting I have attended, I’ve been swamped by the public, young and old; drunk on the desire for change but so overwhelmed by my personality that core Labour policies are being overlooked. Policies on the deficit and immigration for example, although admittedly easily forgotten.’
Mr Worsey grew his beard over the summer following his wedding to teacher Mrs Worsey, pledging not to shave again until elected to Parliament.
‘With this beard I have, at last, been able to pass amongst you on the streets of the Fabled City unrecognised, promising the earth with the impunity of the unelectable and no one would ever know that I’d bothered to visit the place at all.’
Political commentators have suggested that there may be some symbolism in the facial growth, coming as it does up against the cranial weave of the current member Mr Fabricuntio.
Local political pundit Gary Thompson, formerly of The Malt bar and restaurant said:
‘The symbolism is clear after a couple of Jager bombs – the hair on the chin opposes the hair on the head, the dark opposes the blonde, the real opposes the enhanced. Cheers!’
Lichfield Mercury editor Gary Phelps commented:
‘What I want to know is – what are the implications of Chris Worsey’s facial hair for HS2?
‘Why not write to us with your inane thoughts?
‘Looking to buy or rent a new house, why not trawl through our defunct property pages?’
Mrs Worsey is delighted by her husband’s new look, she said :
‘I think it’s great, now there’s no chance that Chris will be recognised within the Wall. And I don’t care what anyone else says, I love a man with a slightly odd beard.
‘Yes, take me Leonardo DiCaprio, take me hard.’
Beast of Bolsover, Dennis Skinner added:
‘Fuck off, I’m not your father either, you middle class ponce.’
Chris Worsey confidently expects to shave again in 2025.
THE search is continuing this weekend for Labour Party parliamentary candidate Chris Whereishey who hasn’t been seen in Lichfield since his selection three months ago.
Leading the search is Lichfield Labour activist Ken Redman, he said:
‘Chris disappeared off the City’s political radar shortly after taking off as the Labour Parliamentary candidate back in January. There was a brief fund raising event with his Aunty Jacqui Spliff at an undisclosed location beyond the Wall, but after that… nothing.’
With the assistance of local computer nerd and amateur journalist John Philips, mobile phone records and sporadic re-tweet activity of 17-year-old Mr Whereishey’s Twitter account have been used to create a map showing his possible location to assist with search efforts.
Mr Philips commented:
‘My skills as a technical wizard and amateur journalist have enabled me create this digital map showing a north-south arch of likely locations to the west of the Wall, from Rugeley in the north, through the People’s Republic of Burntwood down to Great Barr in the south.’
Lichfield District Council Labour Group Leader, ‘Butcher of Burntwood’ Norman Steven said:
‘It’s a mystery, I say, it’s a mystery what has happened to our Chris. I fear he may be lost to us forever, lost to us I say, lost to us forever just like those other young chaps Steve Hyden back in 2010, Nigel Gardner further back in 2005 and Marin Machray further further back in 2001. They disappeared, I say disappeared, without trace off of the face of the political earth.’
Not all former Labour candidates have been so easily disposed of. Sue Woodward, who failed to win the seat in 1997, went on to have a fulfilling career as local councillor for potholes, speed-reading and expensive children’s swings.
But in the spirit of cross-party cooperation District Council Leader Mike Wilcox (Con) has put the Fradley Microlight Airborne Division at the disposal of the Labour search party. Wing Commander Michael ‘Mick’ Shea is based at the Roddige Airfield, he commented:
‘We’ve been flying sorties over the northern and southern search arcs for the past two weeks.
‘Earlier today Flying Officer Sandra ‘Sandy’ Sanders spotted debris floating on Chasewater Reservoir, we’ve alerted ground forces. Sandy has done a sterling job despite being a girl.’
Burntwood-on-Sea Coast Guard Search and Rescue leader Dave Kitthoff explained:
‘As soon as we became aware of possible sightings we despatch a couple of windsurfers off to investigate. They returned to base after the wind changed direction three hours later.
‘Unfortunately, all they found were a couple of soiled disposable baby nappies and a floating bag of dog turds. Nothing unusual for Chasewater in fact.’
Meanwhile publicity shy, local pantomime ‘MP’ Michael Fabricant commented:
‘I have nothing against the lad, in fact… I rather wish I had! #sexualinuendo. But I warn him now, I don’t give up my seat easily #sexualgag. Did I just say gag! [Panto face] He’s behind you! Haha ho ho I’m on fire today. Must have been that curry …bum bum!
‘But please remember I am a serious politician, I wore a suit last week in Preston Crown Court. REDACTED-REDACTED-SUB JUDICE-REDACTED. Although, as I’m not a lawyer, the judge was absolutely right to order that I remove my wig in court.’
Meanwhile, the search goes on. Anyone who has any information that could help to trace Mr Whereishey should contact their local Labour councillor . Anyone who could help trace over 17,000 missing voters in time for the next general election is advised to wake up.
LABOUR Parliamentary candidate for Lichfield and Burntwood 2015 general election has been forced to deny that Lord John Prescott of Hull is his biological father.
Chris Worsey said:
‘Ever since my selection, rumours have been circulating about my parentage. I can categorically deny that John Prescott ever had congress with my mother.’
Mr Worsey, 17, grew up near Great Wyrley and played cricket. He is currently part-way through an ‘A’ Level course in Career Politics at Sandwell College. He added:
‘I would be proud to represent Lichfield, a fantastic historic City with a fine tradition for Morris dancing. I hope to visit one day.’
Lord Prescott’s acknowledged son David Prescott failed in his father’s bid for him to become the parliamentary candidate for Greenwich and Woolwich. His Lordship commented:
‘David has been a great disappointment to me and his mother, whoever she may be. But you have to move on in public life and young Chris Worsey is a great fellow. I clearly remember passing through West Brom in the ‘90’s so there’s a good chance that we are related. Needless to say, I was instrumental in his selection.’
Mr Worsey’s reluctance to acknowledge his ancestry is understandable. Once considered to be an advantage, the offspring of famous political parents now view their linage to be more of a hindrance.
Highly tipped to stand for a safe Labour seat in 2015, son of former Prime Minister and alleged war criminal, Euan Blair has not had the courage to put his head above the political parapet. City banker Blair Jnr commented:
‘If it could be guaranteed that I would move straight into a ministerial post, become Prime Minister within 5 years, shag a press baron’s missus and then retire to become a multimillionaire on the world public speaking circuit, then yes, maybe. But a constituency MP, with Friday surgeries for ‘local’ people with drainage worries? I don’t think so.’
Local Labour party activists however have a different perspective on the influence of political families. Brownhills activist Jim Hardman said:
‘Euan Blair didn’t get selected through choice but because, as Tony’s son he is, how do they say down south? Toxic.’
Not every child of the famous have fared so badly. Will Straw, son of former Foreign Secretary Jack Straw has been selected as Labour candidate for Rossendale and Darwen in Lancashire. Jim Hardman commented:
‘That was a slightly different case, as a former cannabis seller Will Straw is an established character in his own right. Most people don’t remember Jack Straw, I showed a photo of him at a meeting recently and a few said they thought they recognised him, but only as the guy from ‘Wycliffe’ who was in that play at the Lichfield Garrick last week.’
Other ‘dynastic’ children have changed their name to escape the curse. Only after selection for Lewisham did Joe Dromey admit that his mother is in fact 2015 Labour leader Harriet Harman, he said:
‘It’s bad enough having Jack ‘Pikey’ Dromey, Labour MP for Birmingham Erdington and former trade union baron, as a father, but if everyone had known about my mom I’d be dead in the water. At least no one has ever heard of Dad, apart from the Daily Mail and the Metropolitan Police’
Chris Worsey commented:
‘Sorry, but I thought this article was supposed to be all about me?’
Anyone who may have been affected by the Lichfield and Burntwood Labour Party selection process can contact http://www.patient.co.uk/health/insomnia-poor-sleep/support . The lines are open from 10pm to 7am.